OCD, HFA, cPTSD, abclmnopxzy?

[Vegan]

Supposedly I got OCD, High functioning autism, and cPTSD.

LCP says I could go on disability and I guess I am filling. I have been alive 25 years listened to most of leo's videos since 17ish. Really wanted enlightenment did a fair bit of 30-minute strong determination sits. Felt like I got some glimpses of the OX. I am watching my life pass me by. Wasting it on OCD nonsense. NEET looser living at homes with my parents only thing I have to show for it is bunch of political stunts and shameful articles written about me, (also got pretty good at martial arts and running). Got really into conspiracy theories, and image boards. And prepping. OCD about cellphones being around them, food, water, I could not be around other people. I had to be ready to fight off an attack at any moment. I don't want to make this too long. But like I wanted to go to school. I have no real social skills, I spent all that time trolling people on discord and "debating politics". I want to build a space ship, AI, and automation life extension. Regenerative tech so I can have a foreskin and intact finally. Get laid.  But most importantly show that I wasn't crazy, and I could do those things I knew I could. An extraordinary life, !@#$ disability. I am trying to let go of the trauma mostly at the moment and the OCD. Let go of anger, learn to trust other people be vulnerable, fit into society or whatever so I can talk to people and make friends. Sexy friends ideally. Basically, I did enough meditating to be able to tolerate pain and emotional what ever but still I get dragged along on all these OCD/cPTSD things.  I don't want to be forever alone.

I am skeptical about mental health and I feel like all these labels are me being made a fool out of by a big pharma industry.

like maybe it's just

git gud?

[ZenAlex]

ok

[Vegan]

I have been asked to be open-minded and trust by all the mental health people and people around me last few months. So keeping an open mind, I do seriously purpose that perhaps given that things like OCD and PTSD have a lot to do with cognitive distortions and problems with thought patterns, and stepping away from any presumption that the changes to the brain chemically or otherwise, are the cause rather than a side effect of the thoughts them self's, a side effect of miss management of things controllable and voluntary within the perceptional reality of that person. Their POV you can control your thoughts and actions what else in your mind do you not control simply because you never thought to try? So basically religion is an easy way to get someone to start changing things on their own that only really they can change but historically you have to trick them, they have to trick themselves. So if someone had some hyper-toxic masculine meme philosophy and that caused someone to correct those things only they can, maybe that really could be a way out of this. Or maybe a hyper-feminine one IDK, CBT and ERP ERM and drugs can not be the ONLY possible way to treat this stuff, I want to think outside the box that is what I like the most about me, it is what me, me to me, and I wanted to say that because it was traumatic to me that I was thrown in a hospital and tortured/mocked for thinking outside the box and I had to hide it, I don't ever want to let go of it, they "made me" feel like I had to let go of morality caring about other people and that is something else I'll never let go of.

Sorry for the trauma dump at end, I think that is what that was. I am learning.

I also have OCD about the concepts/words of maturity and adult. And I have thought to allot outside the box on that as well. Type of stuff I don't typically share or talk about. It's hard to ever be serious when society is a fucking joke. I'm a joke to too but at least I let myself in on it. Like for real why would I ever want to be an A word like ever, that doesn't mean never get a job or get your shit to gather achieving great things frankly the opposite, ALSO NO IT DOES NOT MEAN BE A PEDOPHILE either. Like its the whole mindset and culture ever social programming I see all these people clicked into and it's got to have something to do those words and how they are used to brake these people as bad as they are. It everything they did in school bro college you get a job paying the man. The way the worker is treated and neglected by the state and fascist corporatism is disgusting to me. And the way people tolerate it and just accept it keeps their heads down... live their life. I thought long and hard about what it would take for them to stop taking it, it's one thing for people with kids if they don't realize their kids have no future anyways, but to me if you are unmarried no kids and your living in this shit you really just going to get with the program and take it up the !@# your whole life? People get SOOOO comfortable in it they don't even realize how addicted they are to it, people think they'd do this or that, and they go try then they realize. They learn to like it and not like anyone that doesn't like what they like. I don't like taking it up the !@# from the system. If you ever tasted what stepping outside of that is really breaking free from all the mental chains really seeing what is possible. I would never want to be an A word or m word. the only m word I am caught up on is man, IDK if I like that word or not I recoil from thinking about my self that way. It triggers OCD about it lot of mental feelings and psychosomatic stuff, and I want to think of my self as male rather. The theme behind it as well is that if you don't think of yourself as those words you potentially might live longer dissociating from the other A word numbers model for years you have lived and what they mean. Like if you have this image in your head of you and that by this year you have to be this and your body is going to start looking X way. Like you can't rule out that doesn't effect your body and mind. Placebo is a real thing, you beliefs and thoughts and conscious will for your body if skill full I think does have real effects on your biology and mind. I do not claim anything with this, this is something I like to play and experiment around with it. It's also massive OCD that consumes most of my day. 

[Vegan]

Ok, Here is a Fun one. Why is it I can free-claim cell towers, give ZERO !@#$'s about people pointing lethal objects at me on multiple occasions? Be totally booted up and ready to go stand 10 feet away from the cartel on the beach at night moving weight on the border (Was on accident, location is a tourist sight, I am not doxing a cartel trap spot, I like being alive ). And a myriad of other dare I say BALLYS endeavors, TALK"N about straight up adventures, all predicated on a critical CLEAR DECISION each time that I valued courage, honor, integrity, and a bunch of others stuff that I probably I maybe shouldn't have and probably can't say here. And that I wanted to learn kung Fu, to be enlightened, and never abandon morality. Clearly not to me I am unsure I decide to define as keeping the oil in my spoon... 

Ass kissing aside Why is it that I could do all that....

And I am fucking terrified of talking to girls/seeing them as people in person instead of NEET'ing out and avoiding eye contact and responding to speech only?

It's honestly funny to me I enjoy it in a way cause I feel reassured I think that I am not doing anything wrong or disrespectful and I am scared of wronging women in person in any way.                                                                                                                                                        Portal IN ----->O 

(out of like an actually desire to do the right thing... not just to try and get laid... I could be lying to myself there, I may just have a strange simp sissy kink or something, but if that's it than I am pretty much just a creep, OCD makes this tricky to figure out sometime, you'll accuse yourself of shit that is not the case and soft believe it for a bit )

Portal OUT      O-------> Even tho I would regularly Troll the !@#$ out of people online including girls. (Non maliciously, I mean saying EDGY shit and arguing Politics... As an angry right-wing conspiracy theorist persona/character. WTF is wrong with me? 

I am going to start making decisions, I have been very indecisive with OCD not blaming it I blame my self obviously...

 

"It's not my fault! I have OCD"

"Well OCD is a mental disorder, you think you are your mind, if you don't think you are your mind, you must have lost it, thus ur insane. A someone with a mental disorder would also be flawed in that way, that would be a fault. So it is by definition it is your fault" 

"OK you can't just use logic or what ever to invalidate my feelings"

"The fact is I just did. How to you feel about that, How do you like them apples!"

"They are pretty good, thanks"

"I got them off a tree from my mansion"

"OH! a mansion you have...  a mansion you say?!?!

"Yes, it is very big and very impressive"

(bow chicka bow wow)

"Ok b!@#$ here is the deal you got to keep this fancy af oil in this spoon while you look around at all my cool rich people stuff naked, If you spill a single f!@#$$# drop I get to smack your @$$ with it and tap it silly, in my indoor skydiving room. 50 hues of harlot aint got nothing on what I am going to do if you drop the spoon, and one of my servents has to clean it up without me asking by direction from my private security watching the whole house on camera and also you naked, because I am enlightened, and bought a mansion, so I could troll unenlightened people by inviting them over and watch them clumsily fuck it up, and cause them psychological trauma by being rejected by a savior archetype at a vulnerable stage of personal development and thus more often than not will let me have kinky cult sex with them, regardless the fact I have a small penis!!!!!!!!"

 

                                  ^ Ok like this, I, in the past, have really repressed this sort of thing. Most of the trolling was political and some of the people happened to be girls I was not a Migtow or any other cringe sexist ideologies, at least not personally and I am sure I have some sensitivity training for microaggressions or whatever else I am not aware I would have learned about if I had not been living under a rock under a bridge for the last decade trolling discord. I am trying, but also I think the above is really funny or tried to make it funny I like making people laugh and historically mostly didn't care about the common rules/social boundaries on that, the more offensive the more of a reaction and I thought it was funny, I want to say that it was not about hurting the person being trolled and more about how funny this would be to others in my echo chamber, looking back it didn't feel malicious or getting off'y felt innocent to be honest no shame or guilt and no reason to. There were things I did feel bad about joking about and didn't so I had my own boundaries. Also if someone ever started crying or sounding really hurt I would stop immediately if they didn't and they were just mad I guess I thought they could take it. Never disliked being mad after like maybe 13-16ish, It felt really good it always felt amazing in a way too elusive for description. Now because of recent events. ----------->

(I came downstairs and told the monastery that last night I got enlightened and I don't need to do choirs or work anymore that is for all the unenlightened people, and then got hit with a stick, and now I am in the process of starting to pull my own head back out of my @$$, get back to being open-minded and all this actualized stuff I got distracted from, long time watcher)

---------------> I am trying and I think at this point have succesfully ride my self or at least repressed really well seeking and holding on to anger and trolling(For the time being). I have certainly thought threw and CLEARLY mad the decision just now to no longer be faulted by unskillful anger(if there is a time and a place IDK yet). So I am making HUGE STEPS. LCP is proud of me apparently. I have lost my train of thought Thought I would dump all this out here and See if I get any good input. Also get to interact with actual ACTUALIZED Mother FUCKING . ORG viewers! Yall got no idea I have been watching this stuff, and like ALL of it had ALL of downloaded at one point as mp3's as a PREPPER because unironically I was like I want my kids to get to hear this if society fails and I live long enough to have them. Seriously I took this existing for granted and was always recalling stuff leo said for life decisions. The dude helped make me in some very fundamental ways, more than my parents TBH, think I discovered him at 17ish, saw the early enlightenment videos and was meditating, not smoking illegal things, sitting around listening to him all day and night long side (gorge rogan and alex jones) <----- Factually not trying to bring up the politics I am moving on from that side of the internet now. Meditating running looking out side seeking enlightenment reading the books on his list. Like do want to say thanks you. Cause I do intend on being on of those people that ends up actualizing what he talks about, Cause I look back on my life and it's like SHIT!!! FUCK!!!! oh shit oh fuck!!!! I wasted so much time, like fuck most the people who gave me advice in my memory in terms of being game changing if I had listened, cause most of them would have messed me up worse IF I had listened almost a decade listening to this guy, getting paranoid OCD thinking he was part of the (Globalist Alex Jones Conspiracy stuff) and not watching it very often the last 3 years, and I look back and it's like If I would have listened to this guy and followed through on what I learned from it I would be the shit right now, (Assuming there where also no unrecoverable unfortunate events). So it is not on faith or Cult of personality or anything else.... unless I am repressing being gay for him or something but I think that is just an OCD intrusive thought. And of course being gay is OK.         

OK I called, constantly, all the time in my head and verbally, everything I didn't like gay and a repetive running meme for... literally my whole life after 7-8 and It only got funnier after I had gay sex at 15 with someone 23, lol, I had a dick in my mouth and then went around for the next ten years larping as homophobic, I hypothesize because I wanted to get caught, I thought it was funny when I did and people accused me of being gay and then I would play along as a bad, but never admitting lair about it, trying to hide it.

MAYBE this is all TMI but I do want to kinda get this out somewhere, Also in particular I am doing ALOT of self inquiry about it, but it would be nice to get some insight on allot of the edgy stuff I was doing/thinking meme'ing about it/getting WOKE. I think I am starting to see through the "alex jones" stuff but more like stage RED. I need to go rewatch the spiral dynamics stuff but yeah I think I am coming out of stage red. I think I was on or past Orange frankly before the alex jones stuff had me LITTERALLY THINKING I WAS in an infoWAR AGAINST THE GLOBALIST AND THE FUCKING WORLD WAS GOING TO END AND DIFFERENT WAY EVERY 6 MONTHS HIGH AF ON ALEX JONES SUPPLEMENTS AND SLEEPING WITH MY SURVIVAL GEAR ENCASE OBAMA SUMMONED CTHULHU to RALLY THE LIZARD PEOPLE AND NOW GAY FROGS TO ROUND UP ALL THE CHRISTIANS INTO FEMA CAMPS AND FORCE THEM TO DRINK SOY MILK!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yeah I recall leo talking about how a war could make you go back a stage or two, I think that happened and I am being funny but none of it was a joke to me at my core, I did joke about it, at my core it was real 100%, I trusted alex jones and thought he was on gods side, that god was portecting me and him and all the patriots and that god wanted me (never thought he was talking to me I was going off of what alex jones said, I had feelings and experances and understandings and understandings of thing said by others that made up intuitions of what maybe god might want or think.) Like I believed that shit and that I was doing the right thing, and all the offensive shit was just the "liberals" getting triggered and being sissies getting worked up by the NWO controlled media and universities. I thought that mental health was liberal. So I never got help for my OCD that was largely about contamination OCD of my food water and surfaces air and basically everything all based around alex jones conspiracies about house hold products and really basic parts of life like having a cell phone (1st world problems I went better part of 4 years with no cellphone, I would OCD feel like it was attacking me and alex jones has went on air once and talked about how he felt the 5g towers where doing something to him and he felt it)

He'd say always go with your gut, well first off your gut is full of shit, secondly that is a terrible idea if you have OCD I do not blame him for that or any of the other stuff I chose to listen and follow him. I am looking back tho like this alex jones stuff arguably wasted a near decade of my life, IDK tho because it was me making some real decisions alot of people wouldn't and it was a process of getting out of my comfort zone and tbh there is alot of shit I learned from him that was life saving and transformative, I have sat down and not eaten (To OCD about food) with the crew of the show a few times, (I was into this stuff like far out circle groupy type shit, doing protesting and shit and drop of the hat going out every time they where doing something or had a protest (I lived near Austin)) They where very nice to me, And they never stuck me as bad people or nazi's or racist, or any of the things people would say about them, the crew was pretty racially diverse as well, so when I would be out prosting alex jones stuff or arguing on behalf of it on discord people saying that shit would be funny, cause to me it wasn't true and I would say shit they thought was racist and I thought it wasn't and them getting mad for no reason was just them being liberal soy boys and I thought it was funny. I would have had a problem If I thought what I was doing was actually racist. I mean it was, in hindsight I am still trying to honestly figure that out for my self not just say/think the right thing socially (TRYING TO GET LAID!!!!!). I think I have something  on that I'll have to write about latter. but if it was flawed it would be in that I guess to me racism was ok as long as it was a joke/funny and everyone was in on it/thought it was funny or anyone that wasn't, "was just them selves being racist because they are liberal and think whites can't make racial jokes too". There is a lot that went into it I don't want to eulogize it too much but also I do not want to apologize for any of it unless I mean it/understand why. ATM I am kinda just doing some OPEN mindedness stuff and trying to get a fresh perspective away from it all so I can think clear and get moved out of my parents house, I'll look back on it all peace by peace right now I see firmly the possibility that it was all wrong and I basically was an idiot. AND all the shity stuff I did thinking it was ok cause the world was going to end was to everyone else hence perhaps objectively me being a massive asshole.

 

 

 

Yeah I am very much seriously looking for fresh out side perspectives on my life unfiltered/honest as I could when writing this and where I should take it.

Please don't ban me off the jump for mentioning my past with the gay frog man,  I am moving on with my life regardless cause I have core values and early held onto dreams goals and purpose that I want to chase after he was a massive detraction from, I and wanted to do the whole time but ACTUALLY HONESTLY THOUGHT i had to ignore everything and prioty 1 save the world with alex jones and the last of the patriots from total extinction from intergalactic lizard people aka satan.

 

Now I say HAIL SATAN trying

and get over the christian shit, Christianity in general and the kind he taught, was not good for me long run, I got SUPER OCD about it, and I was an none religious prior to alex jones, very open minded, meditation/buddhism/leo was my religion if anything.

 

 

(and not mods I am trying to be honest here but that includes I think expressing myself as I am and embarrassingly humor is what I got outside of debate/dead serious for interaction and would be appreciative if that is within reason allowed I'm a little gray area I think on the rules for that. I am genuinely here to learn and have a chance to interact with high-quality people outside of my echo chambers)

 

Thanks to anyone that read this monstrosity.

I did not inhale

I want to change please help.

I am making the CLEAR DECISION, to post this shit, and if I fail, then I learn from that failure. 

On 3/23/2023 at 6:51 PM, Vegan said:

 

Edited March 29, 2023 by Vegan

[Vegan]

Yeah the repression, in the beginning, was about having more... I guess not sissy virgin male fantasies/ a real male sexuality about girls. Cause right now I am pretty stuck on the idea of them just dominating me/me being submissive in one way or another. The shit, in the beginning, was to mostly to be funny but also like, I intuit I am repressing being like a male and having muscles and being alpha in the bedroom, pull her hair a little smack that ass (If she is ok with it), historically I OCD out and shy away from that even mentally, no way I'd do that in person, I could think/meme maybe I would but I intuit from experience that I would have a real chance doing that rn, even if she was asking me to, or if I would even want to but maybe I can just make the DECISION to get over it.

You know what it is, I am trying to come out of my shell. I would only do that prior if I was booted up DeBATING some politics anger I have no social skills/experience out side of that.

I am sure this is all cringe af, but like I am making the DECISION to say it.

I probably could have done a lot better with my time than writing this but I differently learned from it, took over 3 hours,

again Sorry, and Thanks to anyone that read all this.