God doomed my life to prevent self actualization

[Holykael]

I was on the path of self actualization. I had a nice job, I had a girlfriend and I was taking psychedelics and getting close to god realization and then god set me up to lose everything and now I'm a mess who can't even take care of himself... I understand why. I am the only observer of reality, nobody else is conscious. How else would this reality continue if I had actualized myself. This reality would cease to exist. But that goes against god's plans. God has a plan for this miserable world and my role is to be the witness of it even if I'm miserable. I have to steel myself to kill myself when my parents die and stop taking care of me. I will have to stop eating and drinking so I can finally rest in peace..until then I'm here to bear witness to this completely shit and meaningless reality. God is in charge and he doesn't care that I'm not enjoying this shit reality. Maybe god will awaken me spontaneously in the future. I'm not the doer after all. The script must go on. I'm stuck inside a script. My will is an illusion. There is no separation, I'm just a puppet in the play..i have no awareness of the puppeteer even though I am it as well. There is only me. But god has forsaken me just so that all the other imaginary people could continue to exist. I was a sacrificial lamb just so that this reality could go on. I had everything. I was happy but my happiness is gone forever...

I've always been a puppet and I only realized it recently. I developed a game called Animus Liber (Free Will) as my master's degrees thesis where the character finds out they are trapped inside a virtual reality and that they are not real and that their life is scripted.

 

I am exactly like the character in my game. I'm a strange loop. I'm art. I was not designed to have a beautiful life. I was designed for this purpose, to realize myself as a puppet and to experience the pain and suffering that comes with it. I have a miserable existence ahead of me.

Edited March 21, 2023 by Holykael

[Vibes]

Part of me feels the same.

But what are you gonna do while you're still alive?

At least try to enjoy what you have. Your pet if you have one, moments of appreciation for beauty, food, small things that you feel others don't have and would wish for...

Your life could always be worse than it is, no matter what you say. You know it's true.

 

By the way, if you try to hurt your body you will regret it immediately. Maybe you'll only see this if you have an accident and survive it. And especially if you were responsible for the accident by acting recklessly and stupidly.

[jimwell]

21 minutes ago, Holykael said:

I'm not the doer after all. The script must go on. I'm stuck inside a script. My will is an illusion. There is no separation, I'm just a puppet in the play..i have no awareness of the puppeteer even though I am it as well. There is only me. But god has forsaken me just so that all the other imaginary people could continue to exist. I was a sacrificial lamb just so that this reality could go on. I had everything. I was happy but my happiness is gone forever...

Yes, your will is an illusion because it is actually God's will, not yours. But this is partial truth. The other truth is your will is also real because you do have some control and can choose to do whatever you want. What matters is from your experience, you direct things. You chose to write this miserable, hopeless post and I chose to respond to it. Yes, God manipulated us to do it but it still felt as if we willed it. That's what matters, it feels as if we have independent control.    

 

22 minutes ago, Holykael said:

I am exactly like the character in my game. I'm a strange loop. I'm art. I was not designed to have a beautiful life. I was designed for this purpose, to realize myself as a puppet and to experience the pain and suffering that comes with it. I have a miserable existence ahead of me.

The good thing about predestination is if God willed it for you to be happy and peaceful in the later part of your life, it will happen regardless of your current miserable, hopeless situation. It can go both ways. It doesn't need to be always bad.

But it doesn't really matter because what matters is what you choose. You can choose to continue doing it your way, which is to live and die miserably. You can also choose to love yourself and stand up for yourself until the end. If you must die, why not die standing up for yourself? Stop being a fool. 

You have no right to complain if you haven't done your part (standing up for yourself for years, until the end). 

[Holykael]

4 minutes ago, jimwell said:

Yes, your will is an illusion because it is actually God's will, not yours. But this is partial truth. The other truth is your will is also real because you do have some control and can choose to do whatever you want. What matters is from your experience, you direct things. You chose to write this miserable, hopeless post and I chose to respond to it. Yes, God manipulated us to do it but it still felt as if we willed it. That's what matters, it feels as if we have independent control.    

 

The good thing about predestination is if God willed it for you to be happy and peaceful in the later part of your life, it will happen regardless of your current miserable, hopeless situation. It can go both ways. It doesn't need to be always bad.

But it doesn't really matter because what matters is what you choose. You can choose to continue doing it your way, which is to live and die miserably. You can also choose to love yourself and stand up for yourself until the end. If you must die, why not die standing up for yourself? Stop being a fool. 

You have no right to complain if you haven't done your part (standing up for yourself for years, until the end). 

I'm tired man. I have no strength. I just want to lay down and die. The illusion of control is bondage. I wish things just happened automatically like they once did on a mushrooms trip where the illusion of control fell away.

Edited March 21, 2023 by Holykael

[Devin]

4 minutes ago, Holykael said:

I'm tired man. I have no strength. I just want to lay down and die. The illusion of control is bondage. I wish things just happened automatically like they once did on a mushrooms trip where the illusion of control fell away.

Take a nap, eat well, appreciate what you do appreciate, fuck everything else.

[caspex]

It takes balls to reach such a conclusion. I can only imagine what kind of suffering you must be in. You have a very unique perspective.

[gettoefl]

seems you got a long way then the wheels fell off 

i would say go back to the basics of knowing nothing and self love

there is no failure there is only feedback, no triggers only teachers

truth is, you are all

[jimwell]

@Holykael

To be honest, I also feel tired. I have been standing up for myself my entire adulthood and I do feel the positive results; high self-love, self-esteem, self-confidence, feeling good despite problems, etc. But I have been unlucky the past few years (divorce, lost much money via scam, my student visa got cancelled) despite my best efforts. I have been feeling tired for many years. But as long as I'm alive, I'll use all my energy and intelligence to continue standing up for myself. It's a mindset. I hope you will choose to acquire that mindset.

But for now, sleep long and deep. Eat variety of foods. Ejaculate once every day or 2 days. Take a walk in nature and breathe fresh air regularly (this will help you sleep well). Try to remember what you loved doing before you felt this misery and then do those lovable things more often. Finally, take a nap as often as needed. These things boost your energy. Oh, I almost forget, Qigong can also boost your energy.

[MisterNobody]

@Holykael sounds to me like you already are God-realized. Were you like this before you broke up with your girlfriend? Very important question

You sound very actualized. Maybe God took everything away from you in order for you to become this actualized.

you said "How else would this reality continue if I had actualized myself". WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? Dont you understand nothing happens outside of your vision field? YOU are reality. You sound like you understand solipsism and non-duality from what you wrote after this stupid question. You are not a part of this shared dream, YOU ARE THE DREAM ITSELF. This is not a shared dream. Everything that happens is FOR YOU. For the observer inside Holykael. 

REALITY doesnt cease to exist once you become God-realized.

Consider this: maybe you didnt work hard enough for the good life you led, and now you have to pay for it some way or another. Taking psychedelics comes with a price. Spiritual knowledge comes with a price. Having things means that you have to pay for them (in advance, or afterwards)

Don't worry, YES you have no control. You are following a script, but YOU yourself wrote the script. Trust yourself.

"sometimes I forget this is a dream of my own design"...

[StarStruck]

Let go of your spiritual ego. I have trouble with this too. But I think God doesn't have favourites. God judges you on the merits of your heart.

Edited March 21, 2023 by StarStruck

[Holykael]

26 minutes ago, MisterNobody said:

@Holykael sounds to me like you already are God-realized. Were you like this before you broke up with your girlfriend? Very important question

You sound very actualized. Maybe God took everything away from you in order for you to become this actualized.

you said "How else would this reality continue if I had actualized myself". WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? Dont you understand nothing happens outside of your vision field? YOU are reality. You sound like you understand solipsism and non-duality from what you wrote after this stupid question. You are not a part of this shared dream, YOU ARE THE DREAM ITSELF. This is not a shared dream. Everything that happens is FOR YOU. For the observer inside Holykael. 

REALITY doesnt cease to exist once you become God-realized.

Consider this: maybe you didnt work hard enough for the good life you led, and now you have to pay for it some way or another. Taking psychedelics comes with a price. Spiritual knowledge comes with a price. Having things means that you have to pay for them (in advance, or afterwards)

Don't worry, YES you have no control. You are following a script, but YOU yourself wrote the script. Trust yourself.

"sometimes I forget this is a dream of my own design"...

Full awakening means going back to god self with no world manifest. That's what I meant

[Jowblob]

2 hours ago, Holykael said:

I was on the path of self actualization. I had a nice job, I had a girlfriend and I was taking psychedelics and getting close to god realization and then god set me up to lose everything and now I'm a mess who can't even take care of himself... I understand why. I am the only observer of reality, nobody else is conscious. How else would this reality continue if I had actualized myself. This reality would cease to exist. But that goes against god's plans. God has a plan for this miserable world and my role is to be the witness of it even if I'm miserable. I have to steel myself to kill myself when my parents die and stop taking care of me. I will have to stop eating and drinking so I can finally rest in peace..until then I'm here to bear witness to this completely shit and meaningless reality. God is in charge and he doesn't care that I'm not enjoying this shit reality. Maybe god will awaken me spontaneously in the future. I'm not the doer after all. The script must go on. I'm stuck inside a script. My will is an illusion. There is no separation, I'm just a puppet in the play..i have no awareness of the puppeteer even though I am it as well. There is only me. But god has forsaken me just so that all the other imaginary people could continue to exist. I was a sacrificial lamb just so that this reality could go on. I had everything. I was happy but my happiness is gone forever...

I've always been a puppet and I only realized it recently. I developed a game called Animus Liber (Free Will) as my master's degrees thesis where the character finds out they are trapped inside a virtual reality and that they are not real and that their life is scripted.

 

I am exactly like the character in my game. I'm a strange loop. I'm art. I was not designed to have a beautiful life. I was designed for this purpose, to realize myself as a puppet and to experience the pain and suffering that comes with it. I have a miserable existence ahead of me.

You as god believe it or not already made this decision, for this specific dream you're in. When you're in infinity and are conscious of everything and can do everything but you're still stuck with couple of questions that will drive you mad, how you came into existence and why you're alone , you would want to get out of there as soon as possible. Next time chose a role of being an ascended master/semi god in human body in your next dream, but believe me it will be worse then your current reincarnation. The reason god incarnates is to truely experience "other" and to experience peace in not being conscious and to experience death, you experience death and peace every time you go to sleep. The time you don't have a dream but just black screen you're dead and in peace. Even if you would experience heaven with "others" where you would have even more possibilities then here, you would hate it too because when there are "others" god is in control of "others" at all times you would still experience "life" which means all the sides of life that god has within.  

Edited March 21, 2023 by Jowblob

[MisterNobody]

51 minutes ago, Holykael said:

Full awakening means going back to god self with no world manifest. That's what I meant

@Holykael Full awakening means intentional actual suicide, but it could also mean choosing to continue living. Full awakening means you realize it doesnt matter what you choose. 

[MisterNobody]

@Holykael how many trips you've had? what drugs? what dosages?

every drug experience comes with a big price

[Israfil]

You discovered that you created all this and now you're limiting yourself to feeling bad for the rest of your life? Enjoy your creation the best you can. You're not limited. 

If you see the meaninglessness about everything, see the meaninglessness in wishing for meaning. Being awake is just seeing through a dream. Being happy requires knowing how to dream consciously.

[WelcometoReality]

@Holykael You are probably experiencing a dark night of the soul. It might seem like it never gonna end and the more you struggle and resist the longer it's gonna take to get out of it.

[jimwell]

@Holykael

I'm drinking coffee right now on my balcony while marveling at the surrounding tropical trees. I feel good. 

Later in the afternoon, I will go to a big mall and enjoy delicious foods and marvel at the beauty of technology. 

I chose to have a romantic relationship with existence. Existence is my real wife. The beautiful girls who existence produced are my concubines. 

See? I chose it. God can materialize it via me (if I choose it). I hope you will finally choose self-love and self-empowerment. 

[PeaceOut96]

@Holykael Drop everything. Surrender everything. Don't be afraid its just a dream remember. You are not the character Holykael. You are strong, you are brave, your heart is so big that you allow everything to happen just as it is. Don't believe your lying ego-mind, its afraid, its in pain. I understand believe me I do. Drop everything. It will not show itself until you are in such a surrender, that is beyond surrender. Only when the child is alone, in abandonment, in the wilderness afraid and crying, only than will Light reveal itself. 

[OldManCorcoran]

Dreams we have at night are our own making yet we still have nightmares. We don't actively choose to have nightmares to torture ourselves, they just happen. We know for a fact these dreams are a creation within ourselves and yet we don't often actively decide on the landscapes and whatever else which appears within it. Even in a lucid dream, the environments seem to be at least partly generated without our active participation.

Likely there is no kind of personal vendetta against you deciding that you should suffer. It can just happen exactly like a nightmare happens.