Giving To A Taker

[eskwire]

This is probably not the sub to put this.

My brother needs a kidney transplant. My parents and I will test for the best match, but the probability that it will come from me has been hanging on my mind.

I feel like I have to or I'm a gigantic asshole (belief).

My brother and I are very close now, mostly through personal development. We are both into it.

The undercurrent is...

He was cruel to me for most of my life. He just started being civil 2 years ago.

He called me a fat, ugly moron most days growing up, during my formative years. This continued into my adulthood. 

Big brothers are supposed to toughen you up, but he was so cruel, I always thought he made me weaker by cutting to my core daily. 

If it is the case, I will give him my kidney, but I am angry about it because I know he would not have done the same for me. He refused to hug me goodbye when I left for college because he said it didn't matter that I was leaving. 

I know....expectations about the behaviors of others, forgiveness, understanding how his suffering spilled onto me...

I know it, but don't feel it. 

[Bob84]

Those are all things you have been told you need to think. 

People expect you to suffer and feel sorry (there egos demand that you share there view) and your ego has convinced you that you are a bad person when you dont.

This is all delusion in our delusional world. You can still have preferences do. But they should be yours and not programming 

P.s. note that people do not understand this. I dont care about a lot of things but people expect me to so i pretend because they cant understand and will react delusional.

Ex when someone loses family.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Bob84

[egoeimai]

@eskwire  Well my oldest sister has done the same for me. 

Dont give your kidney UNLESS you forgive him. Remember forgiveness has to do with our peace of mind. This is a huge case dont take it airily. Dont do this because you think you are a better person. Firstly you have to truly forgive and then expect nothing. Some people are assholes 

[Nahm]

Careful, the universe will only present you with more opportunity for connection. This is coming from you. 

[eskwire]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Careful, the universe will only present you with more opportunity for connection. This is coming from you. 

What's coming from me?

[Nahm]

@eskwire The whole show. You are the whole thing. You're the perceiver. The lens. The resolve is not within your brother or the world or the past. The resolve is within you right now. The resolve comes from letting go, not adding to. "The undercurrent" is something you created. There is no 'tool' to fix it. It must be let go of. Empty the ego, and love fills in. 

Edited March 11, 2017 by Nahm

[eskwire]

@Nahm Yes and no. One tool might be expression of these feelings so we can have a healing conversation.

As to just throwing my ego out the window right now as the solution, I'm not there. I've had glimpses of that but it's not lasting enough to carry me through long life experiences with no fall back. It also seems to be a way to suppress things instead of dealing with them at lower stages of consciousness. It's theory and maybe a backfiring mechanism until it's real. 

[Nathalie]

@eskwire  why not first clarify the whole Situation with your brother? Tell him what you feel, as far as possible without judgement.. Just what you felt as a child and later and what you feel now. Tell him you need to do so for yourself, to forgive and forget all this burden, but it wouldn't influence the fact that you will give him your kidney.. No blackmail here, just the Intention to make your relation even better than it already is.. And in the same way, optimize the vital quality of your gift.. maybe.. maybe too esoteric..?

[Shunpei]

This distinctly reminds me of the story of Arjuna from the Bhavagad Gita. Whether you do or don't, it'll be a choice you'll ultimately have to come to. I have to agree with egoimaei about forgiveness, not to say you need to forgive him now. Remember, if it does come down to it, and you do decide to give, there will be huge internal consequences on your part without confronting it first. How you confront it has to be up to you. Either way, whatever pain is born from this, this will be a learning experience for you and your brother. So whether you answer yes or no, you (probably) can't go wrong... probably.

Another thing to also keep in mind is that you do not owe anyone anything, not even your own brother. If the relationship breaks down because you said "no, I'm not ready to forgive you yet" well, maybe the question then is: were the last two years of your relationship with him simply built on bullshit, ego-driven means of a "reconciliation"? It's expected he reacts angrily, or even hatefully. Most people, even those into self-development, don't really get the concept of love or forgiveness at a deep level. The question then is, are you willing to be okay with that? Would your own integrity be compromised by "giving in" to family expectations? Would that even be your own decision to give him your kidney?

Good luck to you bro, hope you come to an answer.

 

[Echoes]

@eskwire Your brother probably too got hurt in his past by cruel behavior from other people. The things people say to hurt other people are almost always the things by which they got hurt themselves. They then project their emotional wounds on others. Maybe you can talk with him about this? 

And never forget: Whatever you do, it is alone YOUR decision. You are in control. Don't think you have to do something you don't want to do because you feel social pressure or something. Only do it if YOU decide to do it out of your own free will.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Echoes

[Steph1988]

@Loreena I agree although the situation may be more nuanced this a good guideline to live by.

[SMC]

Love goes both ways so why show anyone one person what they don't exactly show you. Malicious brings evil about and why not stand up to shit like that because on the end they don't love you. Especially someone taking somethig from you. When you have everything the world has to give would you give it away? That's why sometimes I feel I don't want others to be enlightened And to stay trapped in their delusions. 

[Loreena]

@SMC This is exactly what I wanted to say. You put it perfectly. 

[MsNobody]

@eskwire You say he woudnt give if it was him.

My phylosophy is, dont ask or expect from others what they dont have (not even for themselves, much less for giving), if you give, its because you have more inside you, I'm not talking about a kidney, I'm talking about love.

Whenever I get hurt or people do mean things for be what helps me the most to have compassion is this, they can't give me what they dont have, I feel lucky for having what I have inside me and being able to share with people that cross my life.

It doesnt matter what we all say, you do what feels right inside you.

i have this hanging on my wall, whenever I give my light it multiples, sounds airy-fairy but man, love is powerful

 

[Nahm]

We're never defining someone else, but we're always defining ourselves.

[eskwire]

1 hour ago, Laisa said:

@eskwire You say he woudnt give if it was him.

My phylosophy is, dont ask or expect from others what they dont have (not even for themselves, much less for giving), if you give, its because you have more inside you, I'm not talking about a kidney, I'm talking about love.

Whenever I get hurt or people do mean things for be what helps me the most to have compassion is this, they can't give me what they dont have, I feel lucky for having what I have inside me and being able to share with people that cross my life.

It doesnt matter what we all say, you do what feels right inside you.

i have this hanging on my wall, whenever I give my light it multiples, sounds airy-fairy but man, love is powerful

 

You're very kind and, apparently, have love to give.

I don't feel love at this time. 

[Martin123]

@eskwire you dont have to do anything. That being said, we evolve based on our choices.

 

Follow a simple rule and the choice will become clear soon. In every moment , choose what feels good in your body. That's the fastest way to freedom

 

[ShadowWalker]

I'll start with the caveat that it's fairly easy to give generous advice when it's someone else's kidney on the line. That said, here are some quotes I really like, that may serve as guidance:

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” - Mark Twain

And these are all from Matt Kahn:

"To judge is to withold love from yourself. You can't do both at the same time."

"In the heart of surrender, treating people far better than they treat you becomes an acceptable way to live, especially because their inability to treat you well has nothing to do with you, but reflects the kind of relationship they have with themselves." (from Whatever Arises Love That)

"You're learning to be nourished by the love you give, not by the validation offered in response to your giving."

Finally, don't let social pressure or the internet dictate how you should act. Agreeing to give your kidney from the role of victim/martyr would lead to even more resentment that will further erode your relationship, whereas if you are coming from forgiveness your sacrifice would lead to fulfillment and potentially resolve your painful memories of being mistreated. In my personal experience you can't force yourself to forgive someone - first you have to be able to forgive yourself for all the neglect and self-destructive thoughts and behaviour. Only once you have empathy for yourself can you extend it to those around you.
Good luck!

[eskwire]

Thank all of you for sharing your thoughts.

You seem to have a lot of love, and also boundaries.

This is exemplary of the self-actualized life.

The theme is that I need to talk to my brother. He loves me very much and I also love him. We should be able to talk.

I don't know if I will be the donor, but this incident has made it clear that we need to have a conversation. If not just for the kidney, for the potential of connection.

Again, thank you all for helping me through this by listening to me. Often, sunlight is the best disinfectant. There is sunlight on old issues now and that is a great opportunity. 

My heart was recently broken and I've been very bitter. But I can feel a new little heart, ready to grow. Thank you all. ❤

[ShadowWalker]

Sounds like a good plan. If you feel anxious in beginning the conversation I would highly recommend a chapter in "The Seven Habbits of Highly Effective People" describing the idea of Emphatic Listening. For more on a related note, there's also a lot of valuable insight and tactics in "Crucial Conversations". Best of luck!