Girlfriend doesn't know how to police her shit

[ivankiss]

My girlfriend of 6 months is a complete flirt. She's trying to handle her shit, now that we're together, but still, it's obvious that she doesn't know how to draw clear boundaries and tell guys to fuck off. 

She's hot and she's oozing with sex appeal. Super charismatic and kind of overly friendly. So of course guys are hitting on her from left and right. She apears to be quite open and available.

I'm not too worried about her actually fucking someone behind my back... But what I am worried about is her entertaining these dudes who are hitting on her and not letting them know clearly that she's not interested. She usually giggles, tries to laugh it off, etc. It's like a defense mechanism.

I don't like that. She should know how to handle these situations better, when I'm not around. Just today, for example l, I am working and she's going to a birthday party without me. I know there's going to be plenty of drunk guys trying to hit on her there... It's not pleasant to think about. I hope she can handle her shit.

What is your experience with this? Guys - how did your girlfriend handle this kind of stuff while you were together? And girls - how do you go about setting clear boundaries when a guy is super persistent but you're not available or interested? How do you police your shit?

[The0Self]

You may want to actually sit her down have a conversation with her. In my experience, men are actually more promiscuous than women, so usually if you're a great guy who asserts boundaries, she won't stray. But if she's both hot and flirty, it's only a matter of time before a really high value man triggers some attraction in her and pushes her buttons enough for her to (possibly, though you obviously know her better than me; without you having warned her about the situation beforehand) have an experience that you would not be okay with, and that she will justify as not her fault, because it "just happened." So you may want to talk about this with her. It's not that big of a deal, and you know your girl better than any of us will, but you two might need to have a talk. I encourage my girlfriends to dress hot, if they want to, but I do warn them about how players work and sometimes just casually mention how they need to be on guard somewhat for the guys who will be trying to lead them into a line-crossing situation that "just happened."

Edited March 18, 2023 by The0Self

[mr_engineer]

Sounds like she's polyamorous. 

Has she considered this possibility? Have you talked about this? 

[The0Self]

8 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

Sounds like she's polyamorous. 

Has she considered this possibility? Have you talked about this? 

Polyamory is just a concept. Even if she has that proclivity, if @ivankiss is not okay with it, as he probably shouldn't be, then she will just have to forfeit the actions associated with it, if the relationship is worth it to her.

[ivankiss]

@The0Self Yeah, we talked a lot about all this stuff. She kind of admitted that she does not know how to handle these situations. But she says she would draw the line if someone was to start touching her or anything like that. 

Clearly, even me having to bring this issue up says a lot... I'm not taking this girl super seriously, because of this and other red flags. But if we can improve certain things, why not try. I think she does not have bad intentions, just doesn't know how to navigate this stuff. She was always in relationships where there was cheating and stuff going on in the background, so it makes sense why she did not develop ways to deal with this. She just kind of went along with it before. She does enjoy the attention. Self esteem issues, and so on. Her words... But still, she says I shouldn't worry. 

@mr_engineer Yes, we did talk about it. She's bi and wouldn't mind another girl in this dynamic. And maybe, possibly, I would be up for that too. But another guy in the picture is just not an option. 

She's more for polyamory than against it, but supposedly wants us to be exclusive. She did not want an open relationship when I asked her about it.

Edited March 18, 2023 by ivankiss

[The0Self]

@ivankiss Maybe see if you can make it open on your end and hers but only for women. No guys, because that dynamic simply doesn't work well. That's the best possible scenario for basic dating in general imo.

[Leo Gura]

Here are two ways to handle:

1) Sit her down and tell her this: If I am dating a girl, I am not okay with her flirting with other guys. So if a guy comes up to you and starts to flirt with you, you need to shut him down within the first 30 seconds. You tell him, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend." If I see that you are flirting with guys beyond this, we are breaking up. This is what I require from my girlfriend. If you are not comfortable with this then no hard feelings but we are not going to work out. So take some time to think about it and let me know your decision. I will be okay with whatever decision you make. I have no desire to control you, but if you are want to be my girlfriend then I expect it to be exclusive.

2) Just stop caring. Surrender your desire to control her. Let her do whatever she wants and you work on being a stronger man who isn't needy but detached. This should make her even more attracted to you.

Edited March 18, 2023 by Leo Gura

[ivankiss]

@The0Self Yeah, I don't really need it to be open on any end. I'm perfectly satisfied with one girl only. This one or another.

I had threesomes before, and it can be great I guess, but actually fully involving another girl into our relationship would be too much I guess. Too much drama and too expensive too lol.

So yeah, I guess I'm open for some casual fun with another girl, but that's all. And I wouldn't miss it if it didn't happen.

Btw, she just sent me a picture of the party... It looks quite chill and harmless. No guys around that are threatening in my eyes either lol.

She's trying, I think...

[Leo Gura]

4 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Btw, she just sent me a picture of the party... It looks quite chill and harmless. No guys around that are threatening in my eyes either lol.

Dude, you are way too insecure. No girl wants to be surveilled like this. She gonna lose attraction for you if you keep behaving that way.

You need to tell her your boundaries and then trust that she will enforce it herself and stop looking over her shoulder.

Edited March 18, 2023 by Leo Gura

[ivankiss]

@Leo Gura I didn't ask for a picture or anything. Didn't text or nag her in any way.

But if someone looked into your eyes and said that they have a long history of cheating and lying in relationships, you would worry too. It's not always insecurity. Sometimes there are legit reasons to worry. Even though I am doing this willingly. I know I'm playing with fire.

10 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

2) Just stop caring. Surrender your desire to control her. Let her do whatever she wants and you work on being a stronger man who isn't needy but detached. This should make her even more attracted to you.

Kind of gravitating towards this lately, yes.

We did talk a lot, but I still wouldn't say that I trust her completely. So better detach a bit and not give it too much importance. As I said, I'm not taking this relationship too seriously.

[Leo Gura]

@ivankiss I honestly think what you need is #1. You're way too insecure for #2.

You have that boundary, so you should communicate it to her properly. There is no need to deny that you have this boundary if you have it.

And if she said she has a history of cheating, then she actually needs you to set that boundary for her. She might even be thankful. Don't expect a girl to take charge on such matters. You are the man, you set the rules. Lead her. It will be easier for her if you are strict. Teacher her how to block flirting. Don't expect her to figure it out.

Edited March 18, 2023 by Leo Gura

[ivankiss]

@Leo Gura No, I think that talking too much and setting up too many rules would have a counter effect. She's just that kind of a girl, and as long as I choose to be with her, I have to learn to be immune to it. 

Maybe a nice balance between #1 and #2 is the way.

[StarStruck]

You need to understand that if she wants to cheat she will cheat. You can’t put her in a cage. 

And secondly if a girl likes you your dick is the only dick in the world. 

If she is so receptive it is only a matter of time she will try some of the other honey. 

[ivankiss]

@StarStruck I understand that. It's not like I could not easily have a side chick. Or several.

It's just that I don't like playing these kinds of nasty games. I want to know where we stand. And she's kinda shady...

[Leo Gura]

11 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

You need to understand that if she wants to cheat she will cheat.

Most girls who cheat do not want to cheat, it happens by accident because they are just being girls and not thinking ahead.

So it does help to set rules for her. She needs leadership. Without proper rules a girl like that will cheat. In the end a girl like that will end up with a guy who has the balls to lead her properly. She will keep floating around like a butterfly until a serious man catches her. That's how highly feminine women are. In a sense it's a test of how much you want her and how much of a man you. If you want a highly feminine girl, you must claim her as yourself. You literally have to tell her, "Your pussy belongs to me." This will drive her nuts with excitement. That's what she wants. The more feminine she is the more she wants it.

Edited March 18, 2023 by Leo Gura

[StarStruck]

2 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@StarStruck I understand that. It's not like I could not easily have a side chick. Or several.

It's just that I don't like playing these kinds of nasty games. I want to know where we stand. And she's kinda shady...

She lives on pleasure island. You told me she was also into drugs. You have to be honest with yourself. That is the thing with promiscuous girls. She tasted a lot of candy in the candy shop, is your candy good enough for her to disregard the other candy? 
 

 

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

Most girls who cheat do not want to cheat, it happens by accident because they are just being girls and not thinking ahead.

So it does help to set rules for her. She needs leadership. Without proper rules a girl like that will cheat.

With a god fearing girl you don’t need to do that. 

[Leo Gura]

1 minute ago, StarStruck said:

With a god fearing girl you don’t need to do that.

Lol

[ivankiss]

Just now, StarStruck said:

 is your candy good enough for her to disregard the other candy? 

Lol. Well, that's kind of what I'm trying to figure out. Can I trust her or not?

Of course she gave me all the 'you're the best I ever had, you fuck me like no one else, I cannot even think of being with someone else', etc... but is it all just bullshit or is it for real? That's what I'm unsure of.

[StarStruck]

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Lol

You didn’t understand what I said there ?

5 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Lol. Well, that's kind of what I'm trying to figure out. Can I trust her or not?

Of course she gave me all the 'you're the best I ever had, you fuck me like no one else, I cannot even think of being with someone else', etc... but is it all just bullshit or is it for real? That's what I'm unsure of.

Does she listen to you?

[ivankiss]

2 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

Does she listen to you?

I'd say she does. She's not going out alone, doesn't do drugs anymore, etc. She's spending most of her free time with me. It took a lot of talking and some arguing, but I think she's sticking to our agreements. I just doubt she's truly changed. I think she's just trying to be on her best behaviour to give me the impression that she's a good girlfriend.

Again, not trusting her fully and not taking her too seriously. It's too risky. Might end up burning myself bad. Better keep some distance.