Don't Know How To Treat Her

[Magic]

We first met at a trekking trip arranged by my friend. We spent two days sitting next to each other at the back seat of a car and trekking Norwegian hills. I liked her, she got hooked on me (as she told me later). I knew she lives 700km far away so that kept me rational. The trip ended and we haven't heared from one another for a month, save for a few fb to and fros.

After that month she texted me if she can come over. She was having some business meeting near me and wanted to stay overnight.
We spent 3 days, 1 more than planned, during which period everything started. We've become infatuated and then slept together.
She had gone home with no clear date for next meeting.

We saw everything in bright colours, the distance didn't appal us. Not for long.

Unexpectedly, three days later another business meeting popped up and she had to come to a city 400km away from my place. So I rearranged my week and went to see her.
We talked and things got really dark as the distance between us hit us. It appeared not to be so easily overcome anymore.
Things got very, very sour, but we had a walk, went for a beer and everything was back to good, we talked till sunshine again.
Next day she was supposed to go to some business party 700km away, but the communication turned out to be so poor, we ended up going together to my place. She left for home the next morning.

The moment she left the emotional gale started. It was my bad, because I set expectations.

The problem is that I don't know how to treat her.
We've known each other for just a few yet very intense days. So I might call her "an unknown girlfriend".

I know she cares about me a lot, she has shown me that.
I also know we don't know one another too well.
I am not needy, I walk my way, but I want this relationship to come off. I don't want to neglect her.

I can't find the communication balance here. I tried to stay one day offline, but that had pretty bad consequences, just another gale. Fortunately, we talked it over and managed to clear up the situation, though I feel something is still aching. One positive outcome of this gale is that it really hit me how much she cares about me, even though she tries to veil this every second.

I don't know to which degree I should pursue her at the moment to show her that I care and think about her, yet not to come up overwhelming. I don't know if at this point I should still be unavailable to her, or rather show her she really matters to me.

In simple words, I don't know if I should "wait her out" or rather text her something like "Hey my Dear, I am thinking about you:)". I am comfortable both ways.

Maybe some of you had similar experience and / or can give me a piece of advice?

Cheers.

[egoeimai]

Yes I was once in a long distance. It sucked. But that doesn't mean yours too. 

Listen up. First things first, a L.D.relationship can hardly ever succeed. So this is a con,here. A disadvantage. Write it down. The fact that you are not calling yourself needy is very positive,because at this type of relationship hardly anyone feels the opposite. Its rare to not feel needy. To be honest,I think you should have guts to come off this stronger. It will bend you. 

Now,that is something you can't claim. You can't say that she cares about you. All this,its so early.

Excuse me but I have to stress the negatives.

If all goes well and you can live with your bad emotions (driven by this situation-If you are mature enough) it can go well and you can succeed.both of you.

It depends on what you want from her. How old are you,your needs(which others can never fullfil)your desires etc.

If you have expectations,LDR may let you down. But never say never.

At the end,my opinion is that WE have enough converns. This type of a deal is a huge battle and for sure doesnt worth it.

Even If it was short distance,it won't worth your unhappiness. So stay strong and If you decide it,please dont blame her at the end. It will be your decision and your consequences.

Cheers.

[Magic]

Well, I read she cares about me from her talking and behaviour. Although it is not explicitly visible, it's still readable.

All that being said, at this point I am wondering if it's worth the effort.
I mean emotional effort. This is huge emotional effort.
But emotional effort is incorporated in self-actualisation.
So if this effort I would incur can make me a better man, I will continue.
This thought somehow positively energizes me.
I'd stay on my track trying to tackle the effort.
That gives me two scenarios: I win or I loose the relationship.
In both cases I learn something about women, relationships, and emotional mastery.

The doubt to clear is whether the effort really can have a good side, or it's just suffering?

[egoeimai]

9 hours ago, Magic said:

 

The doubt to clear is whether the effort really can have a good side, or it's just suffering?

Can be both. Risk it and you will find out. But the consequences will be there.

[Principium Nexus]

I'm kind of in a similar situation and my biggest fear is longterm adaptation. 700km is decent compared to my situation lol, if things will work out one of you will have to move and it will take lots of energy.

The other thing is that the first 2-3 months are easy and its the early phase of discovery, but after that it can get more tricky. Doubts can start to arise wheter you want to commit, if you still feel the same and she is really special to you than you should consider visiting each other more frequently in holidays otherwise it will fade.

Those few intense days are really great but you should try to go for longer periods to see what it's like to have someone around all the time.

Having someone around all the time vs LDR and short visits can change your perspective quite dramatically (in a good or bad way).

Hope it works out!

[abgespaced]

On 3/11/2017 at 5:19 AM, Magic said:

Unexpectedly, three days later another business meeting popped up and she had to come to a city 400km away from my place. So I rearranged my week and went to see her.

Big mistake. Why is what you have planned for your week so unimportant to you that you're willing to rearrange it all for a quick meetup? This behaviour raises red flags in her mind. If you're so willing to change your life for a girl you hardly know, how can she feel secure with you? How does she know you won't do that with the next girl that comes along?

 

On 3/11/2017 at 5:19 AM, Magic said:

The moment she left the emotional gale started. It was my bad, because I set expectations.

Why are you getting so emotional? Leave that for women. You're a man. You need to be the rock against her emotional tides- detached, nonreactive, grounded. A man who can be so easily affected emotionally by a woman, much less the absence of a woman, is repellant and unattractive. See here and here.

I'm curious to hear what "expectations" you set. To me this just reeks of neediness and insecurity.

 

On 3/11/2017 at 5:19 AM, Magic said:

I don't know to which degree I should pursue her at the moment to show her that I care and think about her, yet not to come up overwhelming. I don't know if at this point I should still be unavailable to her, or rather show her she really matters to me.

DO NOT pursue her. This is more of the same behaviour that turned her off. As a general rule of thumb you should avoid the mindset of having to pursue any woman, at least at this stage. With this girl, you have already displayed your neediness and lack of independence, so the only chance you have of turning the situation around is to display the exact opposite. 

 

On 3/11/2017 at 8:36 AM, Magic said:

All that being said, at this point I am wondering if it's worth the effort.
I mean emotional effort. This is huge emotional effort.
But emotional effort is incorporated in self-actualisation.
So if this effort I would incur can make me a better man, I will continue.

The only effort you should be putting in at this stage is returning your mental point of origin to yourself. Stop obsessing over her, ground yourself, find out what your life should be about and go put effort into that instead. That will be your best shot at making this relationship work.

Edited March 12, 2017 by abgespaced

[Sevi]

2 hours ago, abgespaced said:

Big mistake. Why is what you have planned for your week so unimportant to you that you're willing to rearrange it all for a quick meetup? This behaviour raises red flags in her mind. If you're so willing to change your life for a girl you hardly know, how can she feel secure with you? How does she know you won't do that with the next girl that comes along?

 

Why are you getting so emotional? Leave that for women. You're a man. You need to be the rock against her emotional tides- detached, nonreactive, grounded. A man who can be so easily affected emotionally by a woman, much less the absence of a woman, is repellant and unattractive. See here and here.

I'm curious to hear what "expectations" you set. To me this just reeks of neediness and insecurity.

 

DO NOT pursue her. This is more of the same behaviour that turned her off. As a general rule of thumb you should avoid the mindset of having to pursue any woman, at least at this stage. With this girl, you have already displayed your neediness and lack of independence, so the only chance you have of turning the situation around is to display the exact opposite. 

 

The only effort you should be putting in at this stage is returning your mental point of origin to yourself. Stop obsessing over her, ground yourself, find out what your life should be about and go put effort into that instead. That will be your best shot at making this relationship work.

@abgespaced

Have you ever loved a woman?

[abgespaced]

8 minutes ago, Sevi said:

@abgespaced

Have you ever loved a woman?

Yes.

[Sevi]

7 minutes ago, abgespaced said:

Yes.

What did that love teach you?

[abgespaced]

10 minutes ago, Sevi said:

What did that love teach you?

All of the above.

Btw, you should read this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ad_hominem

In before "jaded".

Edited March 12, 2017 by abgespaced

[Sevi]

@abgespaced I've read the article. What I understood is, I think I appeared to be attacking you, I hadn't realized that while writing it, but yes it's true. I apologize.

Is that correct what I understand?

Can we discuss some of your ideas?

 

[h inandout]

I know how you feel.

Edited March 12, 2017 by MissMiki

[Sevi]

@abgespaced I love you dear, I'm really sorry❤

??

[abgespaced]

@Sevi I linked that article not because I felt attacked but because the conversation was being steered towards me and my experience. Magic is the one seeking help here.

[Sevi]

Oh, I see. You're right.

 

 

Editing:

Hahahah!!! I've just checked the posts; I would suggest just the complete opposites of all of your sayings? may be I shouldn't cause any further confusion to Magic! Guy to guy you'll strategize your own ways... I wish for an happy ending though? 

Edited March 12, 2017 by Sevi
Complete disagreement

[Magic]

The game is over.
I ended it as she had been showing no initiative and even become snippy. When I told her that I can't see the point of it all anymore and the reasons why, she responded "There's a battle going on in my head and heart. Sorry for my behaviour." She even added "See you later.", but no hear for three days now, so probably totally meaningless.

I'd lie if I told you I don't care now.
I'm trying to gain from this situation, to be "antifragile".
I'm collecting takeaways from this shit, learn from my mistakes:

• SDS helps a lot.
  Digression: I practice 1h a day. All in all I've been meditating for half a year now every day, in SDS I'm just staging up from dropping thoughts to observing the consciousness itself. Quite recently, during SDS I fell into something close to ecstasy, the feel was orgasmic, I can't explain it, yet I was able to control it. I can reproduce this state, though can only sustain it for just few seconds at once. I used LSD a few times, but not this very first time. The substance could have advanced me, I guess.
• "No one is going to help me." helps a lot.
• Catching yourself on playing a victim helps a lot.
• Focusing on your emotional center and observing the emotions, not only during mindfulness meditation, helps.
• I am still myself, I was very happy before all this. This is just a temporary state and I will get back to center.
• Not to withstand or bear the suffering, but not to feel it is the best way. I am having glimpses of such a state from time to time, but it's really hard to sustain. You have to be constantly aware.
• The breakup exposed my vulnerabilities.
• It had a reason: Honestly speaking, this was the second time I made the same mistake - I was overly enthusiastic. Hence, life gave me the same lesson once more. Never more. @abgespaced, some of your tips could have been applied here (if I only knew - now I do), but not all - the girl is quite aware of the Corey-Wayne stuff. She was kind of special and self-actualising.
• "When people show you who they are, believe them." - almost certainly, I idealised her in this early stage.
• "Live life consciously - love comes to you on its own." - this is exactly why she was having a crash on me. Getting back to this state is a matter of days.
• Breakup revealed my insecurities. This one is a huge takeaway and a new space for personal growth.
• Now I'm looking the emptiness straight into the eyes, I know I'll find my happiness where I left it.
• Give yourself time to heal. Emotional wounds are just like physical ones, your energy level will be lower, you need time to recuperate.

I could do nothing but smile when Leo was saying this: https://youtu.be/PYRg1fQYyzY?t=22m45s It's just 1:1 what's happening to me.

Edit:
I forgot to add that I'll have to talk to her to get back my belonging and give her back hers. Any tips when and how to do it?

Edited March 15, 2017 by Magic

[Lai]

Treat her like the love of your life!