How To Deal With Controling Needy Parents?

[Cudin]

Hey guys, this is my first post here.

I am on the journey of self-actualization for over 6 months now and am already noticing some great results in my life.

Basically I have been using mindfulness and self knowledge to extrapolate my own "insanity" and mental prisions to the people I relate to.

It is pretty scary to realize how distorted our self image when you never commit to looking inside.

Anyway, to the point:

I am a brazilian 28 years old engineer, still living with my parents (yeah, they really don't pay very well down here in Brazil, and housing rental costs are obscene).

I have lived by myself once in Toronto, Canada, for a period of one year. Since I came back, it has been very difficult to deal with my parents. I have realized how much of my life I have spent trying to please them, and to do things according to how they think it's right. They still treat me like if I were a teenager and that used to piss me off a lot.

Since I realized the illusion of ego and our mental prisions based on paradigms, dogma, relationships and environment, I
have been trying to have a more compassionate approach to other people that "get in the way".

Whenever I try to discuss some aspects of this control they try to have over my life, how they fight with each other, how their neediness actually keep me away and agravates stuff, they get bad Egoic reaction. My father generally gets angry and explosive. my mother gets emotional and play the victim. No matter how calm and unreactive I am when these conversations happen, it seems to be a game that I will never be able to win, because they play "role" of wise-always-right-older-than-you-shut-up in this game.

How can I improve my relationship with my parents, without giving up my personal and spiritual development?

How to point the unconscious aspects of other people without getting bad reactions?

Tks a lot!
 

Edited March 10, 2017 by Cudin

[alyra]

don't bother trying to tell them what to do lol. that's so rude no matter how much you butter it up. 

 

I learned the hard lesson it really is difficult to figure out, understand, practice, and learn. That when there is more than 1 person it is a team. and when something goes wrong it is just another factor contributing to the challenge the team is working to overcome. and if there is anything you can do to help, it is what you can do to help, not what the others should do or should have done. 

 

it is about taking your own responsibility. notice this is not placing blame! just saying. "what can I do in this situation to contribute to the good outcome we want? and trusting that if it is difficult or doesn't go as complete as you and your team hopes this time. that you are both exploring options, and relecting upon the circumstances, to learn for the future how to do better to prevent and/or recover from the situations that arose this time. 

 

your parents aren't needy and they aren't controlling. stop creating flaws in others (and in yourself) it is just that certain things have happened, and also you have a certain goal in mind. stay focused on the actions you can take to work towards that goal, and trust that others are doing the same. even if someone takes an action which hinders the goal, you can't go anywhere without trying - going backwards is just the long route towards going forwards. it's taking a left turn on accident,f from being stuck in the left turn lane, so just taking it, and then taking a right turn and a left turn to get back on track. that is what "doing the wrong thing" really is. 

 

 

if someone asks for advice on what they can do, that is the time to speak up on what you saw. and honestly, it's much more effective when you've spent a year thinking about how there is no blame. the advice you give is 1) more insightful, due to its lack of bieas 2) more meaningful to hear, due to its lack of bias 3) more meaningful to say, due to its lack of bias lol. I didn't even plan that but it's true. removing blame makes a Huge difference in understanding circumstances and moving forward from them in a productive, learning manner. 

 

Edited March 10, 2017 by aryberry

[Cudin]

Thanks a lot  @aryberry!

lots of insightful words there, I really appreciate it.

I recognize they have no blame, neither do I. I am trying to develop this chanel of communication exactly because I see all the suffering that these behaviours are causing them. Yes, they are actually controlling and needy, but that does not mean it's their fault. And yes, I might still have a lot of inner work to do, but since I stopped being the "good kid", got rid of the need to please everyone (specially my parents), I have been noticing these people desperately trying to put me back where I was at. And I have never felt better before in my life!

I think the main question I have is: How to show other people their biases (since it's a lot more easy to identify them being outside of their noisy mind), and how can I be more open so that people can actually feel free to point my own biases?

Thanks again!

Edited March 10, 2017 by Cudin

[Nahm]

@Cudin Trying to show others their bias is a repackaging of yourself compliments of your ego. It is you who must learn not to react. 

Be the change you wish to see in the world - comes to mind.

It is the only thing that 'works'.

Let go of it.

focus on your development.

No more reactions.

Meditate.

When you stop reacting eventually they will notice. They will wonder how you're not mad etc. They will ask. Then they might be ready, might not. Let it go. 

[Cudin]

I am still having serious issues related to this post... That's why I am "upping" it. Things got worse now that I am unemployed and staying home all day. My father shouted yesterday because I am not doing anything, while in truth, I am working on my personal development and consciousness. They are very spiral dynamics orange, and believe that I have to earn lots of money, a "respected career" and a nice car to go on with my life. I can't even start to explain them about my meditation habits, psychedelics, all reading about non-duality, psychology, etc.... 

Should I get a shitty job and get out of here, having less time for my personal development?