I Have A Reason To Live But Kind Of Pissed About It

[100rockets]

Ive never been this suicidal in my life. I was ready to end it all, I drifted away from anyone I knew and locked myself in a cave. I was looking for ways to get out, testing them out, all the while not caring about bills not caring about anything, I knew my day would come. The only thing I had any passion for was exploring reality or non reality. I hit a low point where I was almost on my way out, yet not quite there so I decided to do something drastic and somewhat irresponsible regarding something that was bothering me for a long time, I had nothing to lose, I did not care about the consequences one bit. Maybe a bit, but not enough to stop me, what did I have to loose? I thought if I do this and it turns out bad that will motivate me just enough to push the red button. The only thing I would regret is not exploring reality enough but who knows whats next? I might get to play there too. Sooo turns out what I did turned out pretty well, surprisingly, I got what I wanted. I'm a little confused now because now I have a gimps of hope, maybe something great can come out of this. However I now have to look at the damage Ive done by not caring for so long and repair it. I'm not happy, but I'm happy this worked out and at the same time a little pissed that it did. I know this is vague but I needed to vent a little bit. And a little confused how to go from here.

Edited March 10, 2017 by 100rockets

[Evilwave Heddy]

What did you do?

[blacksapp]

What did you do? [ 2 ]

[TeamBills]

I know you kind of mentioned that you didn't want to mention what you did, but it is hard to help when we don't know what you did.

[Elisabeth]

Anger is generally a "more positive" (=more resourceful) state than depression. Take this as s sign of progress and intend to move up from your anger further into "just" frustration, and from there eventually further into contentement, optimism, passion.  

I'm glad your thing worked out. 

[h inandout]

I watched someone completely exit society because of some really bad circumstances, and from the other side of the looking glass developed an entirely different view of the universe, one, which in my opinion, was too deeply rooted in paranoia.  He was totally valid, but was not able to access healthier realities.  After immense ammounts of frustration with trying to reenter a society that had been so cruel; what it really came down to was he simply needed to make one phone call, and we found out that the entire thing had cleared itself up six years prior.  He still struggled with disinfecting the paranoia and bad circumstances well after he found out, but is now back in school, and has a much broad perspective.  Having learned from this, I personally focus way more or pronoia now.  Yes, the universe is actually secretly conspiring to give you everything you ever wanted.  All you have to do is keep moving forward and accept this truth.

[Evilwave Heddy]

16 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I'm glad your thing worked out. 

Even if that thing meant murder?

[h inandout]

In the case I was describing, it was someone ran from the government because he thought they would throw him in jail for not paying child support... He was even reasonable to feel this way because he was hit by a car at the time of his divorce so his brain was doin all kinds of gymnastics.  But it turned out he was actually just lying to himself about the consequences of not having been able to keep up with the child support.  He spent countless hours learning about conspiracy theories, which only added to the inescapability of the damage.

9 hours ago, Evilwave Heddy said:

Even if that thing meant murder?

We are all the sons and daughters of Cain (the first murderer).  The only thing a Cain can do is try to spend the rest of his life to prevent it from happening again, which yes would even mean forgiving himself.

I don't think 100rockets did anything bad except to neglect his bills for a while, as he discovered a deeper meaning of life.  You know the Buddha ditched his family, so it is understandable when things get away from you sometimes.  Just use what you learned to teach other people something in future incarnations of your self.

[Nahm]

On 3/11/2017 at 2:11 PM, MissMiki said:

In the case I was describing, it was someone ran from the government because he thought they would throw him in jail for not paying child support... He was even reasonable to feel this way because he was hit by a car at the time of his divorce so his brain was doin all kinds of gymnastics.  But it turned out he was actually just lying to himself about the consequences of not having been able to keep up with the child support.  He spent countless hours learning about conspiracy theories, which only added to the inescapability of the damage.

We are all the sons and daughters of Cain (the first murderer).  The only thing a Cain can do is try to spend the rest of his life to prevent it from happening again, which yes would even mean forgiving himself.

I don't think 100rockets did anything bad except to neglect his bills for a while, as he discovered a deeper meaning of life.  You know the Buddha ditched his family, so it is understandable when things get away from you sometimes.  Just use what you learned to teach other people something in future incarnations of your self.

Just curious, if we're all the offspring of Cain, who is the female involved in that?

[Nahm]

@100rockets Ya. What did you do?

Great to hear you're finding hope. 

I assume you're young, like 16-23.

Don't write your life off. When I was 20, I was where you are. Total fucking hopelessness and suicidal tendencies. (I never thought about doing it, but I did feel that it would have been better)

The thing is, you DON"T KNOW what your life is going to pan out to be. I found this tiny little crack of hope way back then, and it led to a wonderful life. Actual fulfillment and satisfaction. Hang in there. It WILL get better. There are equal opposites at play. To the extent you have dove down deep into the abyss, if you just hang on for a while, you will equally rise to the bliss. All is relative to your experiencing, it can be no other way.

[h inandout]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Just curious, if we're all the offspring of Cain, who is the female involved in that?

He probably had us through immaculate conception.

My meaning is more: compassion is needed for ourselves, for our parents and for the whole freakin thing.  For example, I may not have personally caused all the suffering, and in unconscious ways am contributing to it, and I try to be concientious when I do thing, but we're all so enmeshed anyways, that eventually I have to move forward somehow and stop letting guilt and fear cripple me.

Edited March 14, 2017 by MissMiki

[100rockets]

@Nahm I was in a situation that was draining me but i invested a lot of time and emotion into it. I had a solution but I didn't think that it would be seen in such a good light so I was willing to risk loosing it but it turned out very well. It doesn't sound that bad now but I didn't have the energy to start over if it wasn't going to work. Thank you for your kind words, I am a little better now and have some hope. 

Edited March 14, 2017 by 100rockets

[Nahm]

That's so great to hear! 

Thank you.

[h inandout]

I think you have the equanimity and strength to move forward.

Edited March 14, 2017 by MissMiki

[100rockets]

@MissMiki I do now, thank you so much : )

Edited March 14, 2017 by 100rockets