Note To Self

[ivankiss]

If you leave now, I doubt I'll be able to wait for you. It's too shaky and uncertain. And then there's also the whole trust issue thing.

I just don't see it happening. If you go, it's going to be the end of us.

And maybe, possibly, somewhere, somehow we find each-other again... but I cannot hold onto that idea. I'd have to let go completely. It would be too painful to hold on.

Intense stuff, my love. Intense past few months. Intense ride. I cannot do this much longer. It's too chaotic.

I wish you only the best.

[ivankiss]

I cannot trust you fully. It takes too much out of me. To trust you, I would have to completely ignore everything in me that's screaming that you're not trustworthy. That I'm playing with fire and might end up burning myself bad. To trust you, I would have to not trust myself. And I cannot do that.

[ivankiss]

A beautiful dramatic story. A beautiful tragedy. I am a sucker for stories like this. They're deep, intense, meaningful and impactful. So much to be grateful for. So much to learn. So much to cherish.

It makes you wanna cry and laugh at the same time. Like a good, heartfelt movie.

It's just not the kind of a movie you want to watch everyday. It burns too much.

Edited March 9, 2023 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

In my absence now
Irrelevant time will pass

In nothingness abide
See the evening rise and take my word for it
Focus is beyond your vision

Will unfold my empty space
Your Time froze over

I must lead the way to this conclusion
I let you inherit these words I sing to you
See how death will bestow seclusion
The one you are looking for is hidden from view

[ivankiss]

This is not a test of power
This is not a game to be lost or won
Let justice be done

There will be zero tolerance
For the creator of hallowed intentions
There will be zero tolerance
Fate is your deciding God

[ivankiss]

Just take one good look at the pain that you're trying so hard to avoid. That right there is the reason why we cannot last. That pain, and your unwillingness to feel and heal, is what's in between us. That's the blockage. That's the veil.

Edited March 9, 2023 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

There's nothing that Oneness desires more than to relate. In relationships, the true level of your mastery is shown. 

[ivankiss]

I do not seek pain and suffering. But when it comes knocking on my door, I invite it in and I sit with it as long as it wants to stay.

It's ok to suffer. It's ok to be in pain. There is a very good reason why it's showing up. There's something left to learn.

I wish you could see the depths of all this. But I'm afraid all you're capable of seeing is just the tip of the iceberg.

In that sense, we are light years apart.

[ivankiss]

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through
To see you naked but oblivious
And you don't see me

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind
The eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Here I am expecting
Just a little bit too much from the wounded
but I see, see through it all
See through, see you

[ivankiss]

You hurt me too many times from the very beginning. I can never be my full self with you because of that. I am always hurting behind the scenes. I'm always expecting you to fuck me over.

[ivankiss]

I'm already bending over things way too much. No healthy, high value guy would tolerate half of the shit you do. I'm sacrificing a lot of myself in order to make this work. Not too much, because then I would be out of the picture definitely, but still, quite a lot. It's not good for me, or us.

I cannot be the one to heal you and set you straight. I cannot teach you what relationships are about. I played that game once before and it was hell. I don't want to break myself over this. It's not worth it.

[ivankiss]

[ivankiss]

8 more months and I'm out of this country. Sometimes it seems like it's too far away, but I cannot lie, time does fly much faster with you around. Everything is so still and silent when I'm on my own...

I must see this through. I must finish what I started. It's tempting to give up and go back to my old ways... especially if I think about you leaving... but I cannot do that. I want this. I want to realize my vision. It's my greatest transformation yet. And even though it seem far away, the process is still super accelerated. I'm doing a lot in a short timeframe. Changing several core aspects of myself. Growing at lightning speed. And that comes with pain and lots of challenges. There's just no way around it. I must go through.

I cannot say that you are holding me back just yet. But you do cause extra pain and confusion in me. You also bring a lot of joy and pleasure into my life, but it's mixed with all that nastiness. Therefore I cannot really say that I want to take you with me when the time comes and I leave. I do not want to drag this with me. I want a clean, fresh start and I doubt you could adjust to that. I doubt you could follow me into this new life that I'm creating.

[ivankiss]

Letting go is actually very easy. What's difficult is to hold onto something that's harming you. What's difficult is making the choice to just drop it.

[ivankiss]

If you don't allow yourself to feel the bottom level of emotions you're capping the amount of positive emotions you can feel.

If you wanna go higher and feel higher vibrational emotions, you must become ok with feeling lower vibrational emotions.

You cannot embody bliss without any roots. It's not about avoiding feeling bad and trying to mask it with good feelings. It's about feeling whatever rises up and transforming it. That's true emotional maturity.

[ivankiss]

Not a huge fan of the emotional scale, but it can be helpful sometimes. It can make you a bit more aware of what's going on within you.

So I'm going to leave this here just as a reminder:

[ivankiss]

I will fucking see this through. I don't give a fuck what it takes. Only death can stop me. And not even.

[ivankiss]

In your relationship, there will be times when you're not only unhappy, but even miserable. And that's ok. It doesn't necessarily mean that things should end. It can be an indicator that you are going through a period of growth that is essential for the long term health of your relationship.

Don't allow happiness to be the primary metric on whether your relationship is healthy or unhealthy.

Edited March 10, 2023 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Nobody will ever see you as you are. It's just not possible. The sooner you accept that, the better.

[ivankiss]

I'll confess this: you're my tragedy
I laid you to rest just as fast as you turned on me
Gone forever, banished the memories
This place of pleasure are masked by your misery

Straight out of line

I can't find a reason
Why I should justify my ways
Straight out of line, I don't need a reason
You don't need to lie to me