Note To Self

[ivankiss]

I don't know you. I don't know your past. Don't know your destiny. But I do know what you represent in my life. I know why you are here. It's no accident. 

Please, carry on. Do what you're here to do. Do what you must do. What you're bound to do. Finish what you started.

I will play my part. I have no other choice. I'm done trying to avoid the pain. It's inevitable.

 

 

I foresee the dark ahead, if I stay...

Edited March 5, 2023 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Tonight you will kill me again, and the moon will take my place.

[ivankiss]

Why do I keep coming back to this? Why is the pattern repeating itself? What am I to see here?

How is this taking me closer to where I want to be?

Is it a trap? A distraction?

How do I respond? What choices do I make?

 

 

I love the sound of no one coming by...

[ivankiss]

The night is silent, but not dead. She went to bed early. We don't normally go to sleep separately. She usually falls asleep on my chest.

Tonight is different. Something is changing.

 

I've got more important things to give my attention to. My time and energy.

Why is this relationship camouflaged as the most important thing in my life?

It's really not.

I'm on a mission here. I've got work to do. A goal to achieve. A vision to realize.

I am committed to my purpose. 

I must shift my attention. I built a habit of obsessing over this. It's doing me no good.

 

 

 

Calling no witnesses to the stand... Clearing my name with no evidence...

[ivankiss]

He is much more relaxed and friendly since we had the talk. I don't think we would if I didn't initiate. It's good that he let it out. I know he's been suppressing his thoughts and emotions for a while.

I feel good here. I'm glad I found this place. It's perfect for this sequence.

[ivankiss]

Everything is perfectly fine. I have no reason to worry about anything at all. It's just a bad habit. A pattern I must erase.

[ivankiss]

Self unfolds like a disintegrating dream

All revealed but the sinister cause

My lying eyes come apart at the seams

Still how could I ever regret the loss

The self transformed into wave lengths

Reverberating this unyielding dream

Lost in this greedy illusion

I'm forever devoured by the closed eye visual delusion

[ivankiss]

To rise above and transform this reality, I must leave you behind. It pains me to see you broken and expired. You've come a long way. Please forgive me. I must go on.

[ivankiss]

I wish it was fair play. But it cannot be. The lesson would not be learned. The transformation would be incomplete.

It must be twisted and unjust. You are the catalyst. You are the announcer of change.

[ivankiss]

I'm stronger than I was before
Thus you reinforce these walls
I can't fight you anymore
 

Threatened by the open door
All the chances I ignore
I can't stand still anymore

[ivankiss]

Won't you feel bad while you're trashing out?

Makes me feel sick to know she's had enough

[ivankiss]

Lies

Laying your guilt and pain
On people that had no part in the molding of a life
That creates its destruction

Lies

Right before your very eyes
A reflection of the mistakes
To the end you will deny
Your part in the demise of a life
Lack of comprehension
Thriving on your cliche
Compelled by self-resentment

[ivankiss]

I acknowledge you and I release you now.

Thank you for your service.

[ivankiss]

Truth on the mountain and Truth in the valley are the same Truth. Just coloured differently.

[ivankiss]

How easy it would be to sell my soul and take advantage of this situation... I mean, it is a very tempting offer. Hardly any man would be able to resist it.

If only I didn't yearn for more... If only I was only seeking to maximize pleasure and extract the most out of this...

If I fuck myself up in order to play these fucked up little games, the damage might be irreversible. It might leave a mark. It might pull me too low.

That's not who I want to become. I have a much greater and much brighter vision for myself...Yet I cannot deny that the offer turns me on. It's hot and it's messy. And something in me is attracted to that. Even though I know it's not good for me.

[ivankiss]

I see

You don't want liberation 

You keep belonging to what's not even here

[ivankiss]

And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity
While I formulate denials
Of your affect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence

[ivankiss]

I need an object of interest to keep me grounded and focused in reality. My inner world is too big. It's easy to get lost in it. 

You keep me here. You make me want to be here, in the present moment. Even if you're not doing anything. Just sharing space with me. It's enough to keep me here.

People objectify each-other all the time. Whoever says they don't, they're either lying or not being aware of what's going on.

You are not an object, of course. It's just how the mind works. It needs form. An object to focus upon. It needs to hold onto something.

You are that something for me, right now. I'm not too proud of it, but if I'm being honest, I think I'm more interested in you than anything else. Even my greatest calling and mission.

Edited March 7, 2023 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

At times I am genuinely disgusted by you. All those lies and fucked up little games... It makes me want to throw up. I don't know if it's all me, or maybe I'm tuning into your feelings that you are unable to feel, and experience the sickness in my body as if it was mine... In any case, I am deeply repulsed by some of your facets. And others, I am extremely attracted to. I think you have some incredible qualities. But they kind of get ruined once you see the dark side too. Darkness can be beautiful. But I don't see the dark in you that way. It's low quality and low intelligence. Shallow and petty.

If you're going to stand for the Darkness, commit to it fully. Do it tastefully. 

Edited March 9, 2023 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

It would be so much easier if I didn't love you...