Does Confiding In Other Hinder Personal Growth?

[Guest username]

Is it better just to sit alone with your thoughts and feelings and see them for what they are than it is to talk to other people about your emotional problems and personal life issues?

 

My intuition tells me the former is the better case since I feel emotional resistance to it. Also, I think relying on others for emotional support fuels need for validation and acceptance rather than letting one outgrow it. I think it might be useful for keeping us from going over the edge, but ultimately we need to learn how to handle that stuff completely by ourselves. 

 

What do you think?

[Paradigm]

@username Sounds like your intuition has already given you the answer. But I'll give my opinion anyway.

I've been practicing the former method that you describe a lot recently and I can confirm that it's very powerful. I basically just allow my thoughts and feelings to be there, letting them do their thing without interfering. This allows me to quietly observe them without attachment.

If sitting alone with your thoughts and feelings is your 'weakness' right now then I'd say focus on that. But ultimately you want to have both. What I'm trying to do at the moment is to achieve a healthy balance between dealing with my own problems and confiding in others (which I hardly ever do). The good thing is that because I've been spending so much time sitting with my own problems, now when I confide in others I can do it along the lines of "this is the problem I'm having, and this is what I'm doing to deal with it". Something about this feels better than just unloading my problems on others in a victim-mentality type of way.

[Guest username]

@Paradigm That's very interesting. One thing I've noticed though is that I get this high from dumping my problems onto others while constantly being solution-oriented is painful. I wonder what's going on when that happens. Is that just the ego trying to preserve itself, the system trying to maintain homeostasis and avoid growing pains?

[Paradigm]

1 minute ago, username said:

@Paradigm That's very interesting. One thing I've noticed though is that I get this high from dumping my problems onto others while constantly being solution-oriented is painful. I wonder what's going on when that happens. Is that just the ego trying to preserve itself, the system trying to maintain homeostasis and avoid growing pains?

That's funny, I'm the exact opposite I hate the idea of dumping problems onto others and only feel comfortable sorting things out myself. It would be hard for me to know what's going on in your case. Different people might have different reasons and underlying beliefs. For me, I know that I have beliefs such as:

"I don't want people to know about my problems"
"If I tell people about my problems, they might not like me or they'll think I'm annoying"
"I should be able to handle things myself"
Etc.

So I'm pretty much working through these beliefs and inquiring into them while also challenging them by trying to confide in others more. You could see if you can figure out what the beliefs are for you.

[FindingPeace]

Confiding in other can be very beneficial. The reason being that we tend to express more when we are able to verbalize our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the act of verbalizing and explaining our thoughts and feelings can reveal answers and insights to us without much participation from the other person. Kind of like using someone as a sounding board.

The important thing, though, is that the other person listens and accepts what you say. They don't need to give opinions and solutions because, as others have said here, they are not necessarily qualified to do so. But, if they can be open to listening and can encourage you to be open with your thoughts, then it can be very constructive. I have had people try to explain some life issue to me, only to finish off by saying that they feel so much better for having done so, even though I never actually gave much in the way of feedback.

There is only so much intorspection we can do in our minds and also we are not always so honest with ourselves. So having the opportunity to express things verbally can give us a means to 'straighten' out our thoughs and maybe even see answers for ourselves.

An alternative way of doing this is by journalling.

 

[Nahm]

@username do both. Do more of what helps / benefits you. 

 

[Extreme Z7]

Even though isolated contemplation is the more effective and more emotionally difficult option, doing both is probably the better option. Neither will hinder personal growth because the only hindrance to that is closed-mindedness and distraction.

But don't forget all the hundreds of other ways to broaden your horizons on life.

[eskwire]

10 hours ago, username said:

That's very interesting. One thing I've noticed though is that I get this high from dumping my problems onto others while constantly being solution-oriented is painful.

Using the word "dump" means you are using other people like a journal.

Use a Word doc or something for that.

Talking to other people to see where your blind spots are is helpful. Of course, it's also good to have deep relationships of substance and that necessitates talking about what you're really thinking about.

But dumping all your untrue thoughts and other such garbage that goes through the mind on other people is a great way to 1. push healthy people away and 2. attract mentally unhealthy people.

Talk when it's appropriate and truly helpful. Don't talk when it's not.

I agree with the comment that friends aren't going to be that helpful anyway. A therapist or life coach is an appropriate confidant for mental dumping, aside from your journal.

Rethink what relationships are for. What is their purpose? Are they trash cans for mental garbage or something else?

And how do you feel listening to people doing the same thing?

I've had the same issue and have thought about this a great deal myself. Thanks for your question. 

[99th_monkey]

depends on far along you are. and far along the other person is. my advice, if your a newbie to this  (which i suspect you are) , find someone more advanced in this work then you, who can point you the right directions.... unloading you garbage will make you feel much better but its not a fun party trick. when you move along further and begin know yourself better they way you communicate with others will change and evolve. ... ehhh you see... keep at it.

[h inandout]

Try coaching someone younger, or who is facing issues that you have already faced.  Your love for them will force you to clean up your act and start loving yourself.  You already have a huge variety of knowledge worth sharing, so stop being so stubborn and share it!  And share it mindfully.  It's okay to say what you think is right, and then admit that you are wrong later.

[Guest Annetta]

I'm starting to think that it could hinder personal growth in some cases for sure.

[Guest username]

@Whywolf See? I think it's good for keeping you sane while you deal with the emotional difficulties, but in a way, it's like training wheels. You need to learn to take them off if you want to get better.

[Sevi]

In Hero's Journey, have you seen any of them, sitting alone with their thoughts? Don't be mistaken, Hero's journey is the journey within: deep down into your own soul... but to get there is ironically through the outside world true growth and realisation comes from uncomfort; honestly if you want any enlightenment in your life, you better be willing to take all that dirty, ugly business of the interactions in daily basis. Sitting and philosophizing around surely will give you a regretful life.@username

[Guest username]

@Sevi That's not what this is about, though. I'm not saying to not take action or avoid human interaction. This is about confiding in others vs. handling your emotional issues on your own.

 

Also, just because no Hero's journey is about contemplation doesn't make it a less valid path. I think the contemplative path is the deepest and most meaningful Hero's journey.

[Sevi]

5 minutes ago, username said:

I think the contemplative path is the deepest and most meaningful Hero's journey.

This depends on where the individual is... that's why having a master is so important; the deeper the levels the sneakier the traps... sometimes ego gets so elusively convincing then it gets so easy to deceive ourselves unfortunately, especially if you are alone on your own.

14 minutes ago, username said:

This is about confiding in others vs. handling your emotional issues on your own.

And again depends on what type of emotional issue we are talking about.. generalization can be such a mislead..

[Sevi]

@username

I'm sorry! All of my nerves kicked in when I read the posts I don't know what nerve you touched in but,I got all defensive all of a sudden My ego has got something to tell me I guess.. so back to work then, thank you though! Love you!

[Guest Annetta]

@username I agree, I think for some it is fine unless it becomes a tool, like it has for me.

[Consept]

I dont think theres anything wrong with talking to people about problems per se but i guess just be aware while doing it so you can see the reasons behind it. I would do this every so often and a lot of the times i realised that the reasons behind it werent to sort out the problem it was more to get sympathy which doesnt help at all in sorting out the problem, in fact it can make it worse as it will validate the problem and justify you not sorting it out. 

Also watch who you talk to about problems, it can be very telling who youre drawn to, for example you might find yourself going to those who you know will give sympathy but no solutions. 

[Sevi]

@username I've just learned the exact meaning of 'confiding in others'; now I understand the question. This is an important question.

I think the awareness level of both parties really matter here. The one who is considering confiding in, needs to have some pre-work done: like knowing where his/her vulnerability level is ( for the sake of protecting himself/herself, more than bothering the other) and should have the ability to scan the other person if she/he has enough awareness to share. How strongly they can connect to each other, especially in an emotional level is important too.

Relying on the others for emotional support is such a sensitive important topic, that I wanna write it later. It's not a 'bad or good; should or shouldn't' think... it is 'every single time and in every single situation is a different one' thing; mostly depending on both parties' capabilities... and it'll be unique and different in every relationship.

Edited March 10, 2017 by Sevi