Egodeath on Cannabis

[Lenny_]

Hey, I‘ve had some intense trips from weed before but yesterday it gave me a straight up lsd type of headspace so I want to share that. I think it‘s pretty cool.

I apologize for my potential not perfect english because I‘m not a native speaker.

I will just start to tell the story by sharing my chain of thoughts that I wrote down as soon as I could after, but before that I want to clarify one thing. This post is not biased against sciene nor do I want to make fun of science, it‘s just the thoughts that wanderd through my mind and led me straight into an egodeath.

So I‘m not a regular weedsmoker anymore, I maybe just it once a month for personal insights so my tolerance is pretty damn low. I started off with just a few tokes and wrote down some things in my diary. After a while and some more tokes a thought catched me: Why is the fundamental science that studys the mind not acknowledged as a real sciene? -Psychology. Because science can‘t grasp it. Science measures, notes down, concludes and calculates. The mind can not be measured, noted down, concluded or calculated. That‘s why science ignores the mind. And science is trying everywhere else to understand the universe using all kinds of methods. But it will never find an answer because it is impossible. Science, something that is trying to grasp itself but it can‘t because it is looking within itself. 

In my experience I became completely merged with these thoughts. I had a vision of the perspective of someone looking at a desk with scientific papers in front of him trying to figure reality out with no chances of understanding it while being reality itself.

You are all of reality and at the same time it is impossible for you to understand yourself so it‘s a never ending play of new discoveries that lead to new questions. This felt like a perfect balanced cycle with no beginning and no end.

 

I really felt the beauty of it with no fear at all. I would have never expected such insights from just smoking weed and it kinda took some fear of tripping from me. I had an intense unpleasant lsd trip around a year ago that gave me depression for a few months and completely scared me away from continuing the use of psychedelics but this may be a new start.

Let me know what y‘all think of this.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2023 by Lenny_

[vibv]

Thanks for sharing. What happened on the LSD trip you mentioned?

[OBEler]

@Lenny_ what Was happening on your lsd trip

[Lenny_]

@OBEler @vibv It was jut a Trip I‘ve done in a bad setting, because it was the only day that I knew for sure I could take it in the next few months. I was very young and still lived at my parents house and I was alone there for for two days. The problem  was there were construction workes in our garden that I didn‘t knew about when I planned the trip. I still decided to take it because my last trips were amazing and I finally wanted a breakthrough egodeath experience. So I took the highest dose I‘ve done so far, about 200 micrograms. Usually I spend the time in the garden, on the balcony or walk through different rooms of the house when I trip but now I was kinda trapped in my room because I didn‘t want to be seen by the contruction workers. I really wanted to see the nature but I couldn‘t and after about 2 hours I‘ve had a feeling that sth very serious is about to happen. So I layed on the floor and felt that I was dying. I had ego dissolutions before on lsd but they were more gentle and less forced. I knew all the theory what to to, just relax and to let it happen and I thought I did that in the moment but looking back I actually showed resistance without knowing it. When I sat up I was just looking through  the room trying to figure out what I am. I didn‘t felt connected to anything, there was no sign of spirituality or love or unitiy anywhere, it was just a bubble of consciousness desperatley trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I was too much attached to the idea of god and that psychedelics will lead me there (also because of my previous trip) and when I felt nothing of that on my egodeath I felt like nothing of this is right and I have nothing to believe in anymore. That was a big thought loop I remember, me just walking egoless around and having nothing left to believe in. 

But that wasn‘t even that bad, I kinda relaxed myself after that and a few hours later I sat down in front of a huge window when the workers were gone and watched the garden. My optics went crazy right there and I slid into another more mystic egodeath. I notice that this post is getting too long so I will hurry up a bit. My main insight from that second egodeath was sth like life has no meaning, because if it had a meaning, that would mean you could fulfill it‘s purpose and then life would stop, but life never stops so there can‘t be a meaning. The meaning of life is to search the meaning but you never find it. (similar line of thought like my weed trip) 

After that I spent just endless hours in the comedown (lsd last about 20 hours for me) and I was confronted with everykind of fears that came up especially social fears, so at the end of the night I just felt like life is an infinite torture that‘s only about survival and fears with no meaning and there‘s no way to stop this. The next morning I woke up with emptiness in my chest and no joy towards life anymore.

But I managed to get back to my old self I‘m now traveling in another continent and enjoying life mostly again so to anybody who feels like I did, there‘s a way out I promise.

 

And sry for bad english again

[vibv]

You seem to be very self-conscious and insecure. Your english isn't bad at all, you don't have to excuse yourself.

My guess is that you got a lot of trauma to work through (I speak from experience). From that perspective life can seem like hell, but I promise you that it's not. But you got to find that out for yourself. Psychedelics could help with that, but my advice would be to at least stay away from high doses.

I wish you the best on your journey!

[OBEler]

Woah Yeah this sounds like you have been through a challenging Trip. 

It sounds like my first lsd Trip. Same dose, and I wanted ego death. But after 3 to 4 hours I felt something serious will happen and I was very nervous. I stand up and went to the garden. There it kicked in, I  felt like something is putting me to the ground, I was loosing myself. I got more nervous and then I was just Jogging around my Block, taking a shower and Jogging again. I repeated that for hours. I recognized that I dont move at all as consciousness which was depressing. Many more things happened, too much to tell here

[Pudgey]

@Lenny_ That's a dark spark moment in your LSD trip and you will recover with time. Usually, when LSD hits the ego and you become ego-death, it's common for you and the body not to know what to do. The ego tries to prevent death, but not all the time - depending on your experience. It appears LSD hit your ego further against the ego backlash that could have developed from your previous trips)and your mind went insane (terrified, vulnerable, anxious, and ultimately, fearful). Please know that where there is fear, there is usually God Realization hiding in the midst of it. 

This is a lesson to further progress your contemplative efforts and actually sit down and write what's happening and what's going on inside your mind and deconstruct the ego and the mind and other spiritual insights you are having. You then want to integrate human spiritual practices such as meditation (specifically, focused meditation) to further deconstruct and contemplate during and after these trips. You also want to contemplate social fears and anxiety. Why you have them and why they exist. This is usually from childhood trauma. 

Contemplation and note-taking are the core of this practice. 

You will understand yourself more and more often. 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Pudgey

[Lenny_]

@vibv @OBEler

Thanks for your answers!

@Pudgey

Can you explain what do you mean by ego backlash? I‘ve heard the term before but never really understood it especially in the context of a trip.

Does anxiety always arise from trauma or can it also originate from general bad experiences? I actually discovered a very dark side of myself that I am now embracing in my life but I don‘t see any correlation with this and my past trip. I mostly had a nice childhood in general, I wouldn‘t expect any trauma coming from there.

[Pudgey]

@Lenny_ 

Ego-backlash: Usually, when you have multiple ego-death on psych, the ego comes back and surges. It usually correlates with strong emotions, such as anger, sadness, or past trauma. It grounds you back into the human body and all its faults but the emotions feel multiplied. So, the sadness or anger feels 2-3x more than it normally would. But, it passes, and just have to ground yourself further with a meditation practice. 

Also, anxiety can arrive at any point, whether you have a trip or not, but it's usually correlated with past bad experiences. Some people have it during childhood, but others can have it growing up anytime during their life, whether it is as a teen or adult. It can also be from historical family ties (e.g grandfather could have it or other ties in the family). 

Ayahuasca can also bring out aspects that are deep within you. It doesn't require to show itself during the trip. In fact, most aspects of myself were noted after the trip and comes up unexpectedly. Psychedelics are very strange and can deeply root out parts of yourself that you didn't know, sometimes months down the road. I've micro-dosed Ayahuasca and can confirm that it can heavily influence your body, mind, and perspective in life - even without a trip and bring things that can be beautiful and daunting. And sometimes, it can bring out hidden traumas you never knew you had. 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Pudgey

[Lenny_]

@Pudgey okay, thanks for your time. I‘m considering to participate an ayahuasca ceremonie in a few months when I go to thailand. I‘m looking forward to it, hopefully some more things will reveal itself.