I awakened and I don't like it

[Matthew85]

@Ninja_pig In reading your experience I wonder how much of it may have been affected and influenced by all of the concepts you had filled your mind with. It reminds me of how near death experiences always reflect the belief's and concepts held in the mind of the individual. I think we should be careful to not assume that psychedelics always provide some ultimate truth. They can be a very useful tool but they also just reveal what is in your mind. 

[Flyboy]

@vibv And this attitude is why you are not free.  Ask yourself why.  Are you afraid of doing what I described?  Do you want it to be easier?  Do you just want shortcuts?

Leo is leading you to schizophrenia, not freedom.  Choose wisely.

[vibv]

@Flyboy I don't really know what you're talking about. Freedom of what?

[Vajra]

On 2/21/2023 at 5:16 AM, Ninja_pig said:

I took 6g of mushrooms. I found out that I imagined the entire universe and then I imagined that I was a random guy in that universe. There are no other conscious beings in the entire universe. I didn't tell this to my friends because because I would basically be telling them they are not real. Mushrooms were fun for me until I took such a big dose. Now it's not fun. People said awakening would be a euphoric experience but it was the opposite for me. I found out that I'm completely alone and will always be alone. The dream will continue dreaming forever and always and there is no stopping it. I considered killing myself but I realized that would probably just end this dream and start a new one (I think). What is right here is all there is, all there ever was, and all there ever can be. A perpetual moment that is reality.

I'm asking the dream to help me come to terms with the dream. Don't you guys who have awakened feel alone? Isn't it depressing that reality is a never ending process of duality and I'm completely alone? I'm literally talking to myself right now but how the hell do I come to terms with this and accept this? The dream helped the dream realize what it is before, can it offer more assistance to itself now? Please someone help me.

The Realization is not in mind. Once it happens, very quickly the mind will react with all the fears it has in regards to it. But really, these fears are only real to that mind. Don't let the mind convince you that it's you!

[axiom]

Spirituality is like trying to fix something that isn't broken, in so doing actually breaking it, and then spending the rest of your life trying to fix it while making the situation progressively worse. Finally, "you" give up and realise that you were in your own way all along.

Psychedelics are the most seductive part of the dream. 6g of mushrooms is a pretty sure way to break something. Now you'll probably be "on the path" for a few years, convinced that you can go deeper.

[vibv]

9 minutes ago, axiom said:

Spirituality is like trying to fix something that isn't broken, in so doing actually breaking it, and then spending the rest of your life trying to fix it while making the situation progressively worse. Finally, "you" give up and realise that you were in your own way all along.

Spirituality eventually leads to the discovery that there is no path. But you have to walk it anyway. Trying not to also won't bring you closer to so-called enlightenment, that's already trying to achieve something.

In fact following your desire is already more authentic than not to, and thus more truthful and enlightened.

Edited March 1, 2023 by vibv

[axiom]

3 hours ago, vibv said:

Spirituality eventually leads to the discovery that there is no path. But you have to walk it anyway. Trying not to also won't bring you closer to so-called enlightenment, that's already trying to achieve something.

Agreed

3 hours ago, vibv said:

In fact following your desire is already more authentic than not to, and thus more truthful and enlightened.

No particular path is more authentic or worthwhile than any other.

[Colin Williams]

Hey @Ninja_pig! I hope you're holding in there okay! I know this stuff can be really challenging - I experienced something very similar over the past year and I'd love to share what it was like for me and how I've been finding my way out. I hope it's helpful to hear my story! I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but I know this is gonna be a bit of a long one 

Leading up to June 2022, I had done a substantial amount of spiritual work and I felt like I was on the cusp of something. I had some intense psychedelic experiences, meditated rigorously, and even popped into short non-dual states. But in all those years of spiritual work, I was still under the materialist paradigm and the illusion of a material universe. 

Sometime in June 2022, I took around 300 ug of LSD on a lazy Saturday. I had already tried 4.5 g of mushrooms and some NN DMT, so it's safe to say that I wasn't expecting that LSD trip to rock my world. But at some point during the trip, I fell into divine love and unity. I was writhing around in tears of pure bliss and had the realization that there is no physical world... there is only beautiful, loving consciousness made of nothing dancing in nothingness  The realization had been building over years, but it snapped during that trip and cracked me wide open. It was the most beautiful experience of my life up until that point.

...and then I started to come down lmfao. There was a HUGE discrepancy between the love and truth that I experienced during that trip and what I experienced on a day-to-day basis during that time, and because of that, it threatened my ego BIG TIME when it came back online. It was essentially a massive episode of ego backlash immediately after my most ego-less experience! Leo has a great video about ego backlash. The way I understand it is that following an experience of love and truth, my ego was so threatened that it had to lash out with fear and delusion in order to stay alive... so it threw my worst fear in my face: Nihilism!

All of a sudden, I started experiencing violent intrusive thoughts. I was so caught off guard because of what a beautiful experience I had just had on the LSD that I didn't even see it coming! But I was pummelled night and day with questions like "If God is whole and complete and you don't exist as a separate self, why stay alive?". Ultimately, these were fearful questions that had been in the back of my mind during my whole spiritual journey, and I believe that my ego used these as a last stand to fight against the experience of God realization that I was having. 

I felt existential dread every day for months, but I had this intuitive sense that the only way out was through. So I continued meditating intensely, reading, and of course, watching some lovely Leo videos to figure out what was going on. And the last time I tripped, I had a breakthrough! I realized that this fear, nihilism, existential dread, and even loneliness only happen in the human mind through ego-centric thoughts. In my most loving and truthful states after a deep meditation, there are no thoughts about that kind of shit... in fact, there aren't many thoughts at all. My mistake in dealing with my ego backlash was that I tried to fight my fearful thoughts with more thoughts! I thought there was a LOGICAL way out of it. But God isn't lonely, depressed, or nihilistic. God is love. And God doesn't need some external reason to exist. The point is itself! 

So anyway! Instead of engaging these ego backlash thoughts, I just do my best to love them and drop them. I get present and relax into the nonduality instead of going through thought loops about it! Because without the petty shit that my ego mind throws, there is no nihilism. There's just God! And nothing else. And now I'm back to crying my eyes out on the floor over the beauty of God! Full circle lol. Some helpful techniques include Vipassana meditation (or any meditation really), Leo's Satisfaction meditation, Metta meditation, and lighter, silly things that help me out of my head and into presence/love (watching standup comedy, appreciating some nature, laughing with friends).

I hope you can gain something from hearing about my pitfalls and successes here @Ninja_pig! I apologize for the long post - this is just a topic near and dear to my heart and I wish you the best of luck working through it. It's been a beautiful milestone on my journey and I know it is for you too

Also shoutout to my boi @Leo Gura the spiritual goat - thanks for helping me to realize nothing heheheee

Edited March 1, 2023 by Colin Williams