Not feeling pursued by my love interest :(

[aklacor727]

Finally found someone I REALLY like! And I am needing advice!

Because unfortunately, I am not feeling pursued much. And I don’t know how to go about changing this dynamic. 

maybe I showed him that I liked him too much too early so he’s just like oh I don’t have to put much effort in because I know she likes me. I was very vocal about that on our first date (I literally told him he was the handsomest and best personality with anyone I ever went out with lol). 

BUT yea… when we’re together we click and I can tell he likes me too. But then just not a lot of texting, (hard for him to at work and i think maybe he’s a gamer so I know how that can suck ppl in). 

And our last “date” — we had plans for what day we were getting together but he didn’t set any time or place. When the day came I asked if we were still getting together (which I feel like I shouldn’t need to).  And he was just like yea I’m still down for meeting up later. Ok great, but a time or place without me having to ask would be nice  So idk, if I was a man pursuing a woman I would want to lock that down. What I ended up doing was going out with my friends and meeting up with him afterwards because I was annoyed about that and wasn’t going to wait around. I called him while I was there and that’s when we figured out plans. He wasn’t assertive then either really was just like whatever you feel like doing! He’s very laid back. 

soooo yea! Currently just being casual because that’s how he’s being. But also he wants sex and I don’t really feel comfortable till I am feeling more pursued by him and with how casual things have felt. (Met up with him 3 times so far, each time we’ve hung out at his place after going out and I spent the night). Prly should’ve waited for that too. 

thoughts and opinions please!!!! 

 

[meta_male]

He's pushing all your emotional buttons without you being aware. You didn't say much about what you REALLY like about him.

39 minutes ago, aklacor727 said:

So idk, if I was a man pursuing a woman I would want to lock that down.

Most men actually pursue and it leaves them with a broken heart...

[aklacor727]

@meta_male what I REALLY like about him is he is a genuinely kind person. Among other things but yea for sure my buttons are getting pushed lol but he wouldn’t do that intentionally. 

[aklacor727]

@meta_male And true, but if he knows how much I like him he shouldn’t be worried about that right?

[meta_male]

24 minutes ago, aklacor727 said:

And true, but if he knows how much I like him he shouldn’t be worried about that right?

Just let him know you'd appreciate him taking you out on a proper date and then seduce you. Tell him what turns you on so he doesn't have to guess and then you'll see if he's really into you.

[aklacor727]

@meta_male I know he’s into me otherwise, he wouldn’t keep seeing me but it’s clear I like him more lol. So that’s not really the concern… I guess I’m just confused on how to move forward in a way that doesn’t come off as needy. his last girlfriend he told me was a bit controlling so I feel the less expectations I put on things the better especially this early on. Obviously, I want him to like me more not less!
 

Normally, I would be much more open towards the person I am dating about my thoughts about these things but since I like him so much, I’m being extra careful not to mess things up. Lol. But ideally I would love just an open honest conversation

[Ulax]

@aklacor727 Honestly, I wouldn't recommend trying to 'game', i.e. try and act other than how you would normally act, with anyone you want a serious relationship with. Only for those you want a casual relationship with.

Your mutual attachment styles are, to my mind, going to determine how your relationship goes.

I'd just follow your intuition, and maybe look up ways to build intimacy, i.e. via this:

. And try to make sure that you respect each other's boundaries.

And, hey if it works out it works out, if it doesn't it doesn't.

-----

That said, if you want to make having an awesome relationship a priority in your life I would get into doing deep inner work, and get it so you have a secure attachment style and have emotional maturity.

[flowboy]

@aklacor727  Have you already taken the lead too much from the start?

The practical advice I have is say: "I need to feel like a lady and so i want you to take initiative for our dates. Can you handle that?"

And then just never again fill it in for him.

Actually wait and don't call or text him anymore if he drops the ball.

if my hypothesis below is right, you'll find it difficult to actually do that and let him fail. But if you really want what you say you want, that's what you have to do.

Just say things like "so where are you taking me?" if you absolutely must - don't come up with initiatives and date ideas until he starts showing some.

And be prepared to actually drop it. It's very possible that this guy needs to have the experience of women losing interest over his passivity, many times over perhaps, before he learns.

Edited February 20, 2023 by flowboy

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, aklacor727 said:

When the day came I asked if we were still getting together (which I feel like I shouldn’t need to).

Neurotic struggle hypothesis:

You already know he's not going to give you the behavior you want from him - that's why you picked him.

If you really wanted to be pursued, you wouldn't have asked him that day, you would have waited and let him come through or not.

You're into him because you can try to change him into someone who actively chooses and pursues you.

Not because he actually is.

Was your father a bit like that? Passive? Did you have to initiate/work for his attention/love a bit more than you would've liked?

Edited February 20, 2023 by flowboy

[meta_male]

3 hours ago, aklacor727 said:

Normally, I would be much more open towards the person I am dating about my thoughts about these things but since I like him so much, I’m being extra careful not to mess things up.

It would be fair if you were open with him too instead of playing games.

[aklacor727]

@Ulax @flowboy thank you, I will be watching that video that seems super helpful. and yes, definitely a priority!! I did spend a good 5 years in single hood doing all kinds of inner work, healing, etc, and have been dating again the past year. it’s still so hard for me to determine my attachment style. Kinda anxious I suppose or I wouldn’t be so concerned posting here lol. I also have avoidant tendencies because I’m quick to just move on from people. But, that could just be me being decisive too! But you’re right if I was fully secure/emotionally mature, I would just have full acceptance for however things are. And if I’m really self reflecting, I think it’s the unknown that makes me anxious. Tbh, the lack of texting mainly. Makes me worried he’s losing interest. And it’s not even that there’s actual *feelings* yet. I just really like who he is as a person, so kind, handsome, we have so much in common.  I could see myself with him long term.  That is a rarity for me! I’m 35 now and I’m just ready to be happy and settled with someone. I want control over the situation lol, I want it to work out!  Anyway thank u for initiating my self reflecting, I need to rewatch Leo’s letting go video and get some practice in ?

 I actually really do like assertive men/masculine energy..My last long term relationship was like that and it was one of the things that attracted me to him most..Very much took charge and made things happen, constantly pursed me. He basically told me I was his girlfriend instead of asking lol..that’s how assertive he was. But then he turned out to be kinda controlling  so me and him both have exes with that experience. We are VERY similar, too similar obviously in that way with our go with the flow personalities. Weve flipped coins on our dates to figure out the littlest of things just out of pure not caring either way.. but yea, the lack of pursuing and assertiveness I mainly don’t like because I’m not feeling validated! And it’s in the back of my mind that maybe he’s still out there exploring his options.

And honestly if he was I would be disappointed but I would feel ok in knowing if he found someone else he liked more then it just wasn’t meant to be.  N of course I would prefer not to put my energy and focus on one person if that person doesn’t see the value and potential in me that I do in him to where he feels the need to still feels the need to be put there looking.. that alone may make me decide we’re not right for each other .. would that be avoidant of me to think that way??  ? somewhat anxious lol. But tbh It would be nice just to know. Wish I felt comfortable asking. 
 

and THANK YOU for the practical tips as well. That’s very helpful and I will be keeping that very much  in mind. I did initiate our first meeting and suggested a place with a pool table. We ended up going to this other place and playing all kinds of games and I was beating him a bit.. so that probably didn’t enhance his masculine energy. (Ping pong and I was on the tennis team so I think that made him more ok with it at least lol)

but anyway, knowing ALL THIS now what are the thoughts…. Lol. Sorry obviously situations and ppl are complex so I can’t help but ramble a bit.. ? thinking i just need to chill n let him come to me if he wants..? n if he doesn’t o well then..?!

 

[aklacor727]

@meta_male what games?

[meta_male]

11 minutes ago, aklacor727 said:

what games?

Trying to get him to pursue you.

[aklacor727]

@meta_male well yes, I want him to. I can’t force anyone to do anything. I can just post in forums and get advice on the best way to handle situations, to where the outcome works out in my favor, which of course in this case is me wanting things to work out with him 

[flowboy]

@aklacor727 well that’s what my advice was based on, that you already have this ‘buddy’ dynamic that feels safe and comfortable but you don’t feel pursued in.

So now to turn that around I think it’s best to say it explicitly but in a feminine way. Just tel him that you appreciate how he can take charge (even if he doesn’t yet - what you appreciate grows), and that would really turn you on if he would completely make the date happen from beginning to end.

And stop beating him at games, instead let him teach you things.

Don’t initiate a date, just hint at it and let him pull the trigger.

Practice surrender and letting go into someone’s leadership, even if it doesn’t seem like much at first.

Men need to feel that they are trusted, it energises them and awakens their leadership automatically.

Edited February 20, 2023 by flowboy

[aklacor727]

@flowboy Yeah… ? I hope I didn’t ruin it!! I was just so excited to play ping pong and get my tennis fix it had been forever ? our third date was when  we ended up playing pool he was beating me some but I had to show him the right way to rack ? he did ask though I wasn’t going to say anything.. n it was just whatever kinda rules. Not trying to be all competitive or anything… but yea.. At this point I don’t even feel comfortable texting till I hear from him first… last convo was telling each other about our days and I haven’t heard back, which was midday yesterday. And that was literally our only text exchange yesterday. 

sigh lol. Well if I get to see him again or even have the opportunity to use this advice, thank you. ??? 

Edited February 20, 2023 by aklacor727

[aklacor727]

@flowboy however… thinking about it more.  yesterday our last text about our days I had just gotten to a bar to play pool with my friends. Maybe he just wanted to let me have my fun..? I feel that way when a guy I’m dating and it’s really early on, sometimes I feel like I’d be bugging him. He seems like he might be that way too. And with the controlling ex,  told me it got to the point it was an issue just going out to dinner with his dad. So that’s why they broke up, and he could be intentionally trying to be extra chill bc he doesn’t want to come off like how she did . .idk, but hopefully it’s not that I ruined it. Lol

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, aklacor727 said:

Finally found someone I REALLY like! And I am needing advice!

Because unfortunately, I am not feeling pursued much. And I don’t know how to go about changing this dynamic. 

maybe I showed him that I liked him too much too early so he’s just like oh I don’t have to put much effort in because I know she likes me. I was very vocal about that on our first date (I literally told him he was the handsomest and best personality with anyone I ever went out with lol). 

BUT yea… when we’re together we click and I can tell he likes me too. But then just not a lot of texting, (hard for him to at work and i think maybe he’s a gamer so I know how that can suck ppl in). 

And our last “date” — we had plans for what day we were getting together but he didn’t set any time or place. When the day came I asked if we were still getting together (which I feel like I shouldn’t need to).  And he was just like yea I’m still down for meeting up later. Ok great, but a time or place without me having to ask would be nice  So idk, if I was a man pursuing a woman I would want to lock that down. What I ended up doing was going out with my friends and meeting up with him afterwards because I was annoyed about that and wasn’t going to wait around. I called him while I was there and that’s when we figured out plans. He wasn’t assertive then either really was just like whatever you feel like doing! He’s very laid back. 

soooo yea! Currently just being casual because that’s how he’s being. But also he wants sex and I don’t really feel comfortable till I am feeling more pursued by him and with how casual things have felt. (Met up with him 3 times so far, each time we’ve hung out at his place after going out and I spent the night). Prly should’ve waited for that too. 

thoughts and opinions please!!!! 

 

Sometimes a man will be involved with a woman because it’s an easygoing situation where he can get access to sex and some intimacy/companionship.

And most men are pretty content to stay in this mode with a woman because it’s low investment and comfortable. Men tend to just like to have a woman around if they can choose to have a woman around.

But men generally respond much more to women who challenge them and that have higher standards and require a higher investment in effort.

This is because men generally fall in love by giving love… not by receiving it.

So, you telling him how handsome he is won’t probably mean much to him beyond it being a momentary ego stroke.

And saying he’s a cut above other guys just communicates that your expectations of him aren’t high since he’s already exceeded your expectations from the get-go without any real challenge.

And this subtly communicates that you’re lower in value than he is because you’re looking up to him.

It’s actually much more effective to be a bit cheeky and tease him a bit (albeit on inconsequential things or patently false things that won’t register as an actual insult).

For example, if a woman and a man are talking about going to the gym. And the guy says he can bench 200 lbs. And the woman jokes that it’s not that big of a deal because she can bench 500 lbs. Not only does it give a good opportunity for laughter and banter… it also shows a kind of confidence that she’s willing to challenge him a bit.

So, that kind of thing could be good to try. But the main thing is to lean back a bit and wait to see what he does. The egg doesn’t chase the sperm.

If you lean back a bit and let him do the work, it will give him some space to woo you and chase you… IF he’s really interested. But if he’s not really that interested, he will move on.

Either way, it is a win-win for you… even if it might feel like it’s not.

And when you lean back, you must not do so to manipulate him into some particular outcome. Do it because that is what’s going to be better for you.

And you give low investment guys the space to sort themselves from your consideration… and you give the guys you like who are willing to invest in you the space to “earn” your affections.

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, flowboy said:

@aklacor727  Have you already taken the lead too much from the start?

The practical advice I have is say: "I need to feel like a lady and so i want you to take initiative for our dates. Can you handle that?"

And then just never again fill it in for him.

Actually wait and don't call or text him anymore if he drops the ball.

if my hypothesis below is right, you'll find it difficult to actually do that and let him fail. But if you really want what you say you want, that's what you have to do.

Just say things like "so where are you taking me?" if you absolutely must - don't come up with initiatives and date ideas until he starts showing some.

And be prepared to actually drop it. It's very possible that this guy needs to have the experience of women losing interest over his passivity, many times over perhaps, before he learns.

Yes, this is good advice.

[aklacor727]

@Emerald definitely. That makes so much  1000% agree.. ugh. Welp, it’s only been 3 dates. Not even 2 weeks. Maybe it’s not to late . But  I shall see if he reaches out. In the meantime I’m moving on assuming he won’t lol. If he does it’ll be a nice suprise. 
 

thank you ?❤️