Mother mentally torturing me again

[Hibahere]

21 and Asian, I am still living at home. I have come to accept our cultural norm where its safer to stay at home other than moving out before you get married. My country is shitty and not a safe place for women in general so please do not advise me on moving out. I would appreciate practical tangible suggestions that can be done while I co exist with this person in the same home. 

My mother has always been a pain in the ass. She has causes me tremendous trauma since childhood and teen years. Its only now that I am adult enough to make good coping mechanisms to Co exist with her or else she would literally drive me to kill myself. She can't accept me for who I am, she is an ungrateful narcissist type and a highly underdeveloped mind. Her minds almost childish, superficial. She compares herself to others and sometimes perceives me as a competition too. She would scream and raise hands to get her point across to anyone, a very fragile and traumatised ego.

 

 In my teen years I remember I would cry and go through a lot of trauma at her hands sometimes she would even beat me. If I argued or tried to push her away she would go mad and start shouting. In my childhood she dressed me the way she wanted and was too enmeshed in my life while my father was the avoidant type. I remember being told what to do and what not to do. It's only my teenage years when I rebelled and got to taste the misery of abuse from her. I think you can get a clear idea from this about the type of parent I'm dealing with.

 

Here I am 21, I had done some healing work and now I have actually started actualizing, and gaining a strong sense of self. I am more myself than I could ever be, I am more authentic and intellectual than I could ever imagine to be. It shocks me that despite so much trauma from both parents I have managed to become who I am today. I take self work seriously and ive done a lot of healing but sometimes i slip too...im human...

 

The problem is?...

The problem is that I still have to put up with my mother's bullshit especially when I am home for a longer time (like now, because of university break). Throughout the years I have learnt how to co exist with my narcissist mother, how to give her a fake sense of respect and gratitude. I have learnt a lot and learnt to almost treat them as children. It has helped me a lot and my mother actually started improving herself as well (it seemed like), becausein her eyes im the "mature better kid", as compared to my younger brother. The problem is that sometimes I lose my shit as well, sometimes I fall behind on my journey and in such moments like now, I have little patience or tolerance for my mothers bullshit. Just today she scolded on 2 stupid things...

1. Why do you wear the damn glasses all the time? Basically she gets an ego boost from people seeing my honey-hazel (idk wtf the color is) colored eyes and complimenting them. My vision is -3.5 and anyone with that would know why I wear damn glasses 

2. I want you to dress a certain why why do you wear so much damn black?...Well it represents my personality, soberness and depth.

 

She started a fight on these two things and started absolutely gaslighting me calling me crazy and psycho, just for proving my point and justifying and protecting myself. She won't let me fucking live if I spend more than an hour with her a day. ?

 

Help 

[Arthogaan]

The thing that helped me the most in the past is to learn to see her as a child. 

All her drama, all her validation it is so childish isn't it? But try to see a certain innocence in it. She does not know better. 

In a way it all this drama, all this screaming, in a way it is kinda cute. So innocent, so stupid, so cute. Try to accept that.
And just try to minimize interactions with her, but when you have to just be calm, loving. You have the power to be like that.
 

• And when you finally get out of that house, you will be invincible. You learned to see the cuteness of your mother which is the hardest thing to do for many (it was for me) so now it will be so much easier to see good in other people. You can do it 

[Hibahere]

@Arthogaan Thats a unique perspective, i appreciate this. Yes what helps me be more at peace is realizing that she can't know any better, so i just go with the flow mostly. Minimizing interactions is a hard part but i'll definitely try it out  

[Gesundheit2]

4 hours ago, Hibahere said:

Just today she scolded on 2 stupid things...

1. Why do you wear the damn glasses all the time? Basically she gets an ego boost from people seeing my honey-hazel (idk wtf the color is) colored eyes and complimenting them. My vision is -3.5 and anyone with that would know why I wear damn glasses 

2. I want you to dress a certain why why do you wear so much damn black?...Well it represents my personality, soberness and depth.

I have found that the best way to minimize conflict with controlling people is to never answer them directly no matter what. It's like when you're not supposed to look at a snake directly in the eyes (not sure about that though). Generally, that can be done through distraction by telling seemingly relevant stories in order to maneuver around the original topic and make it seem like you're answering without really giving an answer. 

For example:

• Why do you wear the damned glasses all the time?
• Well, I was actually thinking of buying new shades, maybe they look better. Or what about contact lenses? What do you think?

Notice that no clear answer was given to the original question, and now the topic has slightly changed and is dissolving. Do that a couple more times and you will find yourself and her talking about something else entirely.

• Why do you wear so much damned black?
• Really?! I didn't notice that! I guess I'll have to make some adjustments to my closet.

The important thing here is to let her have being right and not fight over that. Do not argue or try to prove your point. You already know it's true to you, so what's the point of her agreement?

This distraction technique is a skill, and it gets better with time and practice. I'm not an expert myself, but I know a couple people who never run out of red herrings. I learned a little from them.

Edited February 19, 2023 by Gesundheit2

[Hibahere]

@Gesundheit2 wow, never actually thought of that thanks mate ? 

 

[Blackbeat]

4 hours ago, Arthogaan said:

The thing that helped me the most in the past is to learn to see her as a child. 

All her drama, all her validation it is so childish isn't it? But try to see a certain innocence in it. She does not know better. 

In a way it all this drama, all this screaming, in a way it is kinda cute. So innocent, so stupid, so cute. Try to accept that.
And just try to minimize interactions with her, but when you have to just be calm, loving. You have the power to be like that.
 

• And when you finally get out of that house, you will be invincible. You learned to see the cuteness of your mother which is the hardest thing to do for many (it was for me) so now it will be so much easier to see good in other people. You can do it 

Ouch.

[Blackbeat]

2 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I have found that the best way to minimize conflict with controlling people is to never answer them directly no matter what. It's like when you're not supposed to look at a snake directly in the eyes (not sure about that though). Generally, that can be done through distraction by telling seemingly relevant stories in order to maneuver around the original topic and make it seem like you're answering without really giving an answer. 

For example:

• Why do you wear the damned glasses all the time?
• Well, I was actually thinking of buying new shades, maybe they look better. Or what about contact lenses? What do you think?

Notice that no clear answer was given to the original question, and now the topic has slightly changed and is dissolving. Do that a couple more times and you will find yourself and her talking about something else entirely.

• Why do you wear so much damned black?
• Really?! I didn't notice that! I guess I'll have to make some adjustments to my closet.

The important thing here is to let her have being right and not fight over that. Do not argue or try to prove your point. You already know it's true to you, so what's the point of her agreement?

This distraction technique is a skill, and it gets better with time and practice. I'm not an expert myself, but I know a couple people who never run out of red herrings. I learned a little from them.

what if she see's thru that?

[Arcangelo]

13 hours ago, Hibahere said:

narcissist

Move out

[Gesundheit2]

10 hours ago, Blackbeat said:

what if she see's thru that?

The response would largely depend on how you deliver and how she responds, but it's generally safe to play innocent and dumb. Although, that doesn't generally happen because most people are not too conscious to catch up on it. Most of the times, they're just running a certain program/virus from past trauma and they're expecting a comforting result. So if you give them the comfort, they won't look past it. It's generally safe to assume that nobody is really interested in truth.

However, if they are persistent for some reason, you can tell them that you are willing to be flexible and compromise, and then return to distracting them further away from the topic.

[Hibahere]

@Arcangelo pay my rent then 

[zurew]

I think gesundheit's advice is good here, because I don't think you can actually solve these issues with narcissistic people, because these are not even disagreements, these are more like her narcissistic, fragile ego acting out in a very impulsive way. Rational arguments with impulsive people are not really productive, they need to feel that they are being understood and heard, because if they feel, that they are being dismissed, ignored, then they will probably get even more annoying and childish and impulsive.

The impression that I got from your post is that she really wants to feel that she is in control of everything all the time, so if you can make her feel like she is actually in control ( even though in reality she isn't, but you just make her feel that way ), then she probably won't bother you as much. The other feeling that I got from your post is that it is not likely that you can talk about your boundaries with her, so even trying to have that conversation might just end up in more fighting with her.

So what are your options? Well, follow what @Gesundheit2 said, the only thing I would add to it is that you will probably need to let go of certain things during your time staying home with her (if you want to and are okay with it). You probably know by experience what are the things (that you do) that are triggering her the most intesively and most frequently. Its about how you want balance these things out (how much control and personal agency you are willing to let go in order to trigger her less often) . If you feel like you are willing to argue and fight and not let go of control and certain things and you are okay with actually arguing, then do that, if you feel that you are really not in fight mode and you just want more peace, then you should let go of certain things for a random period of time. 

The other thing that might be helpful (especially if the previous advice doesn't work) is that you can try to avoid her as much as possible (or in other words, create programs and make up a bunch of reasons and excuses so you don't have to spend much time with her). Try to go out as much as possible.

The final advice here is (what others already suggested) to try to move out as quickly as possible. The worst thing here is that you don't have any leverage in that relationship,  she can almost do whatever she wants, because she knows that right now you can't move out. You need to find ways and do whatever it takes to build up your leverage and ultimately thats the best way to resolve  or to make more tolerable this particular issue .

Edited February 20, 2023 by zurew

[Hibahere]

@zurew I honestly feel like the previous advice was best suited to me. It's clear now that I can never win in an argument with her. Whenever I used the argument tactic I would say harsh and true things to her regealing her own hypocrisy to her but then she would come this close to throwing hands because she would feel threatened and exposed. I think I can do the maneuvering argument thing but it will definitely require patience on my part. It's something I need to practice. And you are right she is super controlling and impatient. As far as moving out goes, I just can't do it right now because I don't earn anything. And mainly also because Asian parents would kill themselves if they heat that their child wants yo live separately. The only way out I have is marriage. I definitely want to get married along the late 20s or 30s. It is something that is on my checklist, but obviously I need to earn myself first and stabilise myself in my career prospects, so that I have a solid foundation under me that can support me even if nothing goes as planned

[StarStruck]

You need to find a way to cut her out otherwise it will be like cleaning the floor while there is a pig in your living room constantly shitting all over the place. It will drive you crazy and it will be futile. And on top of that she will attack you consciously and unconsciously when she will notice you are trying save yourself from her.

Her whole thing is to keep you so traumatized that you can't be an individual and move out. To me your only way out is to make the bold move to move out or find a good husband to move out.

[Rafael Thundercat]

Family is Karmic bonds, if you are the only one doing healing work, well,good luck. I say this cause is my case. Going to retreats, purging my shit away, observing patterns but when I go to my family I need to be sharp and open eyes or ears as a hawk because the projections,manipulations and deflections in case I speak up are incredebly sneaky. Helps a lot doing the study work from books and from observing. But lets admit that sometimes the best one can think about doing is going as soon as possible  as far as possible from the dramas. Sometimes far from them one heals karma better than close. Unless you enjoy the meatgrinder.

[puporing]

12 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Her whole thing is to keep you so traumatized that you can't be an individual and move out.

This.

You're like a fish in water and been raised in poop water for so long that it feels like you have to justify to yourself the water is fine.

I understand the difficulty with your situation. I would just say, be on the lookout for opportunities, and create them as much as you can to move out. You can always circle back later if you wish to help your family heal but this entanglement is likely not helping anyone.. but we always try to make the best of our situations and sounds like you're in a rough spot.

[Arcangelo]

17 hours ago, Hibahere said:

pay my rent then 

Go to your grandma's house or something

 

[Gesundheit2]

5 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

Go to your grandma's house or something

Family dynamics are not so simple in third world countries.

[Hibahere]

@puporing I second you ?

[Hibahere]

@Arcangelo she lives abroad with my aunt ?

And like @Gesundheit2 said its very hard in a 3rd world country where you are only expected to move out once married. Thatshwy pakistan has so many mamas boys and girls with daddy issues

[Something Funny]

On 2/20/2023 at 9:52 AM, Hibahere said:

@Arcangelo pay my rent then 

Seriously though. If you want practical solution, this is the only practical solution that will actually change something. Sure, all those little psychological tricks can make you living situation 5-10% easier, but they won't change much.

You need to start seriously considering the option of moving out and planning for it and in the meantime you can try to survive through your current situation and make is as good as you can.

If moving out is not an option within your country, then move abroad. Research what countries you can go to without visa with your passport or where it's relatively easy to get a visa and what are the requirement. Research living costs, research what kind of job you can do, develop new skills if necessary, etc.

For example in Poland, where I live right now, there are a lot of relatively cheap college options, some offer a possibility of paying a monthly tuition or making 2 payments per year, instead of a full payment. I think you can even get a visa for a weekends only courses, this way you can work 5+ days per week.

You can apply for a college here, get yourself a student visa, move here, rent a room in an apartment or a dorm, and find yourself a job that will cover both your costs of living and your university tuition.

I don't believe that there's literally 0 chance for you to move out. It takes work, but it's possible.