Help Please! What's Wrong With My/ This Awakening?

[Siedah]

Had a second toad trip yesterday after 9 months! This time, I took a dear friend with me as well .

Since this is not a trip report i won't go into detail of my experience, however, just to give a bit of a concept, here are some of the things I became aware of; I realized I was imagining it all, I realized I was the only thing as well as the only thing imagining it all and that there would be absolutely no difference between staring at a wall for 10 hours or working in an office job for 1o hours. Its all the same... Letting go of my self was ofcourse tough, its almost like a separation pain from the body. The pain is not physical, is not emotional, some inexplainable meta pain as most of  you may have expereinced as you realise you cant hold it anymore, you have to let your ego go... Then I found what I would like to call Nirvana, It was so beautiful, full of love that i no longer cared about my physical body, infact i forgot about it completely until my mind started coming online.  I didnt care if i actually died or not.. and of course it wasnt me as the ego self in Nirvana, It was "the being" that was there ..  I could have stayed there in the Nirvana for eternity and nothing could be more beautiful. 

I came around slowly and cried and wept for a half an hour at the beauty and the immense appreciation of how perfectly normal this life felt and how intense the other thing was because i had to slip back into my human costume in order to make sense of it all!

Then my friend went for it first ever time, and she had a really rough time letting go, cried, screamed, and freaked out. She couldn't let go of her ego, never found Nirvana, and just saw nothingness.. And it was awful for her, she is proper traumatised at this stage, pretty much convinced she has lost her  mind.. :-( She keeps crying and saying "there is nothing, it's all a dream, I am dreaming this and nothing matters. 

So the final part of this essay :-) ; i started wondering, is hers real awakening and mine is not? is there something wrong with me just being able to let go easy and not think it s a big deal that there is nothing but me and that this is all a dream..I have been dreaming all this including this essay. :-)  Have I not gone deep enough.. How can I just bounce back to my duality and act like all this knowledge doesn't feel heavy to hold? In short, I guess, does real awakening only come with trauma, am i missing something?

Thank you in advance for any of you who may read and respond :-)

 

 

[Thought Art]

Nothing changed It's still life. 

Time is a fabrication, and directly realizing that can be traumatizing. I think if I was less open minded that would have happened to me last night as I went so deep I became nothing for eternity. But... Paradox! Here we are. 

Simply do things you like to do, talk to friends, enjoy good food, play some video games, whatever you enjoy doing. Let it go if it's too much to handle. 

For many people the fact that reality is real, matters and is important is really important for their sense of enjoyment in life. Coming to terms with such a deep awakening and realizing the nihilism of it all can be disturbing if you don't have a solid framework of theory for what spirituality is. Even for people who do, when they really realize it that is very painful.

Collision With The Infinite Could be a good book to study now. It may help your friend?

Everyone has a different capacity to handle these truths. Deep awakenings can be very challenging and lead to depression and negative emotions following them. This should always be considered before using these substances. It doesn't need to traumatize you. But it might. On the other hand a deep awakening might just be what you needed.

In the end, an awakening in a mature mind is exactly what you needed. Namaste.

Edited February 19, 2023 by Thought Art

[PeaceOut96]

She didn't breaktrough to the infinite love realization like you. Everybody is different, have different ego structures, traumas, karmic trajectory etc. There is more depth to this than people realize. Awakening is beyond the mind, this doesn't mean that thinking and contemplating is useless, but use is as a correct instrument instead of doubting. Its the ego in you who doubts if you had an awakening. Its also normal, you get to these super highs states with substances. Its like being blasted out of your body, and than come down again. What you describe is correct. Your friend didnt get past the ego. She awoke to the "void" but couldnt let go and go deeper like you did. It takes courage and wisdom. I salute you. Good job.

[Siedah]

@Thought Art thank you for taking the time, valuable response.”awakening in a mature mind is what you needed” . How valuable ! ❤️

I m looking after her for now , perhaps her ego was not ready as I think Leo s teachings helped us all to mature . I ll defo recommend her the book, it looks good ?

@PeaceOut96 perfect response thank you ..it brings the question “is void prior or after the nirvana ..?”hmm interesting !

overal goes to show why this is sacred knowledge , really needs to be treated with caution and care! 
 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

There are many types of enlightment and how it manifestes, i think Leo has the episode about it...

 

[OBEler]

your awakening is fine, you had a deeper awakening than her. she missed the love part. She should do the frog again

Edited February 19, 2023 by OBEler

[Siedah]

@OBEler thank you ! My ego needed to hear this I guess ?

[Thought Art]

Yeah you sort of need to make your own conclusions based on what your friend said 

[Breakingthewall]

@Siedah

that out of the nothingness has happened to me many times and it is extremely horrible. You are not there, it is infinite, empty, absolute and dead nothingness. very traumatic. This nothing is the last frontier. you have to go through it. When this happens, I immediately go back to taking a high, maximum dose. you return to nothingness, but nothingness opens. you are the absolute infinity. there are no words. Hallelujah. it is the whole reality. Atomic bomb.  Enlightenment. tell your friend to go beyond there or she will have a lifelong trauma, nothingness is horrible 

 

Edited February 20, 2023 by Breakingthewall

[Razard86]

On 2/18/2023 at 8:03 PM, Siedah said:

Had a second toad trip yesterday after 9 months! This time, I took a dear friend with me as well .

Since this is not a trip report i won't go into detail of my experience, however, just to give a bit of a concept, here are some of the things I became aware of; I realized I was imagining it all, I realized I was the only thing as well as the only thing imagining it all and that there would be absolutely no difference between staring at a wall for 10 hours or working in an office job for 1o hours. Its all the same... Letting go of my self was ofcourse tough, its almost like a separation pain from the body. The pain is not physical, is not emotional, some inexplainable meta pain as most of  you may have expereinced as you realise you cant hold it anymore, you have to let your ego go... Then I found what I would like to call Nirvana, It was so beautiful, full of love that i no longer cared about my physical body, infact i forgot about it completely until my mind started coming online.  I didnt care if i actually died or not.. and of course it wasnt me as the ego self in Nirvana, It was "the being" that was there ..  I could have stayed there in the Nirvana for eternity and nothing could be more beautiful. 

I came around slowly and cried and wept for a half an hour at the beauty and the immense appreciation of how perfectly normal this life felt and how intense the other thing was because i had to slip back into my human costume in order to make sense of it all!

Then my friend went for it first ever time, and she had a really rough time letting go, cried, screamed, and freaked out. She couldn't let go of her ego, never found Nirvana, and just saw nothingness.. And it was awful for her, she is proper traumatised at this stage, pretty much convinced she has lost her  mind.. :-( She keeps crying and saying "there is nothing, it's all a dream, I am dreaming this and nothing matters. 

So the final part of this essay :-) ; i started wondering, is hers real awakening and mine is not? is there something wrong with me just being able to let go easy and not think it s a big deal that there is nothing but me and that this is all a dream..I have been dreaming all this including this essay. :-)  Have I not gone deep enough.. How can I just bounce back to my duality and act like all this knowledge doesn't feel heavy to hold? In short, I guess, does real awakening only come with trauma, am i missing something?

Thank you in advance for any of you who may read and respond :-)

 

 

She wasn't able to reach the love awakening you had because her self-love has not yet in her personal life been realized. You were able to let go of your ego because you were not too attached. You were able to OFFER yourself up as a sacrifice so to speak. The biggest barrier to accessing these states is being able to let go, to trust, it's like diving into a bottomless pit with the trust that everything will be as it should be.

You are very trusting, loving, and giving and thus was able to do what few are able to do. It's not a judgment against them, they just aren't ready yet. Let's say they need more cooking, or nurturing before that stage in their development can be realized. 

[Rahra]

There are many different forms of awakening, like Soul-Awakening, Supernatural-Awakening, God-Awakening and Dimension-Awakening.

But it is certainly death which is the highest awakening.

And I fear not it, but I fear where I may arrive.

I mention this since I’ve thought immensely about death recently, and I realized, I still realize, how extraordinary it is that I will actually die one day.

I know of places I don’t want to go, and I know about mighty supernatural beings I never again want to have anything to do with.

So I shall pray, until my last breath.

Help me. Be with me. Bring me back to You, and give me a good form and place to be in.

Deliver me from darkness and evil, let not it triumph over me.

[Eternal Unity]

@Siedah

Nice work! Beautiful insights. it's not wrong, per se, but there is an element - a bit of cute confidence will do you good

Take some time to integrate. when you are ready to that again. Try to recreate as much of the circumstances as the original trip. You'll have a mystical experience into the nature of Unity,

Greg

P.S

Really good path! I'm following you

[Siedah]

14 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

@Siedah

that out of the nothingness has happened to me many times and it is extremely horrible. You are not there, it is infinite, empty, absolute and dead nothingness. very traumatic. This nothing is the last frontier. you have to go through it. When this happens, I immediately go back to taking a high, maximum dose. you return to nothingness, but nothingness opens. you are the absolute infinity. there are no words. Hallelujah. it is the whole reality. Atomic bomb.  Enlightenment. tell your friend to go beyond there or she will have a lifelong trauma, nothingness is horrible 

 

thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Short but full of knowing and wisdom :-)  .. I actually read this to her today and she could resonate.. She realises she will have to go again when she gathers her self to get to infinite love which is what makes this pain worthwhile. 

[Thought Art]

This isn’t advice 

but Martin Ball has said that if a trip sort of scares you 

Do another one 

Not advice 

Edited February 20, 2023 by Thought Art

[Siedah]

@Eternal Unity thank you :-)  this was my second time and I must say my death was a lot smoother this time around.. When you understand what it is like to die, you are able to die easier the next time i guess as weird as this sounds :-D.  

 

[OBEler]

@Siedah I think if your girlfriend really want a positive out come She should take normal dose Mdma and directly after the peak (1.5 to 3 hours after ingestion) a  5 meo breakthrough dose. Mdma kills the fear and everything will be ok. 

 

[Breakingthewall]

10 minutes ago, Siedah said:

thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Short but full of knowing and wisdom :-)  .. I actually read this to her today and she could resonate.. She realises she will have to go again when she gathers her self to get to infinite love which is what makes this pain worthwhile. 

@Siedah

tell your friend that she can't imagine what's behind nothing because it's unimaginable. It is the absolute and it is you. It is the peak moment of your life. you just have to have the courage to completely disappear. to become infinite nothing

[Siedah]

5 hours ago, Razard86 said:

She wasn't able to reach the love awakening you had because her self-love has not yet in her personal life been realized. You were able to let go of your ego because you were not too attached. You were able to OFFER yourself up as a sacrifice so to speak. The biggest barrier to accessing these states is being able to let go, to trust, it's like diving into a bottomless pit with the trust that everything will be as it should be.

You are very trusting, loving, and giving and thus was able to do what few are able to do. It's not a judgment against them, they just aren't ready yet. Let's say they need more cooking, or nurturing before that stage in their development can be realized. 

I really appreciate how beautifully written this ism so thank you Razard :-)  .."offer your self as a sacrifice" wow!  what a wonderful way to explain the route to infinite love :-)  When i first started listening to Leo somewhat 6 years ago, I was like, everyone should know this, everyone should try 5meo, then realised no! talking strictly in duality terms, its a sacred knowledge and could be crushing , life-destroying, traumatising when used recklessly with premature minds! I never thought, my friend would respond like this! Now i am getting to understand she never really fully understood what ego was! this was a lesson learnt for me  as well .. how many trips approx you had so far?   

[Siedah]

7 minutes ago, OBEler said:

@Siedah I think if your girlfriend really want a positive out come She should take normal dose Mdma and directly after the peak (1.5 to 3 hours after ingestion) a  5 meo breakthrough dose. Mdma kills the fear and everything will be ok. 

 

that's a good suggestion .. that's if she can't bear the thought of going for toad again.. because she knows in her heart, her journey was not complete and that she ll have to go again at some point soon not to be stuck with the trauma ..

[Siedah]

18 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

This isn’t advice 

but Martin Ball has said that if a trip sort of scares you 

Do another one 

Not advice 

lol! i think she actually booking an integration session with him on my recommendation .. so hopefully that will help :-)