Resources for emotional defense mechanism

[Mjolnir]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone could point me towards some resources in regards to the following:

I'm trying to figure out if i have some unconscious behavior where I try to not feel, or in some cases stop myself from feeling, to protect myself from being hurt. I'm a deeply emphatic person and whenever situations come up where someone feels deep sadness or hurt for example I deeply feel for them sometimes tearing up as well. Whenever this happens I notice I move towards stopping behavior and go to a "not feel" state.

I used to be bullied as a kid and maybe this is a defense mechanism from back then. I also notice that whenever I feel slightly cheerful or had particular joy I get fearful of some bad thing happening and move to that "not feel" state, or like a "prepared" for something state.

Curious if anyone knows something!