Cheating Partner: To leave or not to leave?

[Ayla]

Hey Leo,

You mentioned in a post that you should do more "sex videos" so here's an idea if it speaks to you:

Almost by default, people separate after one partner has been unfaithful. Usually, the cheating partner is the bad guy and the "monster" lol... the reality is much more complex - so should the solutions be!  

 

[Leo Gura]

Maybe the topic title would be: How To Deal With Cheating?

That would certainly be popular. Not sure if my opinions on it would be too helpful though.

I would basically say something harsh like: If they cheat, move on to another guy/gal and don't look back.

In intimate relationships, once certain boundaries have been crossed, they can never be uncrossed. If there is a very strong desire to stay together and "work it out", I would suggest that that's actually an even bigger problem: neediness. A secure person with high self-esteem would not tolerate such serious boundary-breaking.

What would be a legitimate reason for trying to work it out?

Obviously the cheating happened because the relationship was flawed to begin with, no?

[Ayla]

How To Deal With Cheating sounds fine

the reason I see for this video is for people to at least Question this pattern of he/she cheated so he/she is out.. and instead sit down and see how the relationship got there... what/if they can change things.. 

I'll give you an example of a friend: she's been married 4 times - every single time, husband cheated on her ..... every single time, she left. All good, right? I've been able to understand some of her troubles which I will try to illustrate in a lady-like manner lol

- she would never do THAT during sex 

- she doesn't like it when he does THIS to her during sex

- That disgusts her... 

- she cannot talk to him about THIS ... 

And on and on it goes .... so no wonder poor guy goes away after a while, right??? Cannot do it/cannot talk about it/being trapped

Another situation: 

married at 28, he stops touching her almost immediately after marriage. they spend 10 years having sex max twice per year so in the end, she finds someone else and cheats on him... 

There are so many facets of this .... so easy to just dump everyone and everything... especially your own responsibility on the situation.. I figured it could be a good topic to cut through the "solidness"  

 

[Leo Gura]

Right, so I would definitely tell that person that if there is pattern of guys cheating on you, then that's obviously being perpetuated by you because most women do NOT get cheated twice in a row. Take 100% responsibility even if it seems harsh.

Merely changing guys without addressing the root cause will just create more of the same pattern of course.

This is a very common issue with women who get abused. She gets abused, then finally builds up enough nerve to dump the guy. Then the next guy she attracts is EXACTLY the same type of guy who abuses her even more!

My rule of thumb on this is: if there is even a thought about cheating in the air in your relationship, you already fucked up somewhere upstream.

In the examples above the screw ups were:

• Lack of open lines of communication between partners
• Sexually repressed (too shy or squeamish to discuss sex or ask for sex to be changed)
• Poor sexual skills which leads to stale boring sex that gets old really fast
• Too lenient about lack of sex. If there is no sex for a whole month, that's a HUGE red flag already that needs to be quickly nipped in the bud.

[Ayla]

I totally agree with you. But as long as this (type of) women do not look further than: 

He cheated => He's out

They'll perpetuate it forever. Same for men...whatever

Anyway, the request was only for you to try and unhinge the stuckness of a one-sided view, not about a particular case. 

If not, Sexting would be another good subject too LOL

[Leo Gura]

I agree that the issue of cheating needs to be addressed in a video.

As does sexting! I actually want to post a full, real-life sexting transcript on the forum Cause people will not believe some of this stuff if I just tell them about it.

[Sarah Marie]

20 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I agree that the issue of cheating needs to be addressed in a video.

As does sexting! I actually want to post a full, real-life sexting transcript on the forum Cause people will not believe some of this stuff if I just tell them about it.

Please do!!! This would be awesome!

[Ayla]

Just put a huge disclaimer : 

"DO NOT FORWARD TO YOUR MOTHER" 

 

lolololooolllllllllllll 

[Sarah Marie]

3 minutes ago, MaydayB4 said:

Just put a huge disclaimer : 

"DO NOT FORWARD TO YOUR MOTHER" 

 

lolololooolllllllllllll 

The worst ?

[AlmostActualized]

Ayla,

Great video suggestion.

Leo,

When/If you make this video don't forget to mention all the crazy thoughts that go through peoples heads on trying to get revenge or payback. How the victim should not go down to their level, keep your head up and move on.

[Leo Gura]

17 minutes ago, AlmostActualized said:

Leo,

When/If you make this video don't forget to mention all the crazy thoughts that go through peoples heads on trying to get revenge or payback. How the victim should not go down to their level, keep your head up and move on.

Yeah, that's a good point. A lot of people go down some dark road when cheated on. Like demonizing the opposite sex.

[Rares]

That is a good idea. How To Deal With Cheating and Why People Cheat its a very good idea for a video.  There will be practical advice and you can take action immediately to change the situation

[Phocus]

Some great discussion around dating and relationships in this thread and I have split it off into a new thread on the dating and relationships forum.  Lets Phocus on ideas for this video topic in this thread

[Guest]

On 6.2.2016 at 5:04 AM, Leo Gura said:

Maybe the topic title would be: How To Deal With Cheating?

That would certainly be popular. Not sure if my opinions on it would be too helpful though.

I would basically say something harsh like: If they cheat, move on to another guy/gal and don't look back.

In intimate relationships, once certain boundaries have been crossed, they can never be uncrossed. If there is a very strong desire to stay together and "work it out", I would suggest that that's actually an even bigger problem: neediness. A secure person with high self-esteem would not tolerate such serious boundary-breaking.

What would be a legitimate reason for trying to work it out?

Obviously the cheating happened because the relationship was flawed to begin with, no?

Totally agree. It can never be the same again. "Walk away and never look back!", the chacting act only revealed that there was something wrong to begin with. Of course there are people with their own, different oppinions about this topic, and everyone must deal with it in their own ways.