I'm addicted to sex

[ivankiss]

I love sex... I always did. It's a very important aspect of my life. If I'm not having sex regularly, I'm quite different... Bitter and kind of depressed.

I had plenty of girlfriends as well as casual partners since I lost my virginity at age 16. I was pretty much having sex non stop since then. I'm 28 now.

Up until recently, the longest I went without sex was two months or so. Then I had a pretty bad break up and decided to take a break from it all. It lasted for 5 months. It wasn't easy. I was horny all the time and was masturbating regularly. Then, one night, one very persistent girl insisted that I go home with her, and that was it... the end of my break. We started dating and were having sex pretty much everyday since then. Often multiple times a day.

I never allowed it to really spiral out of control. I'm not into switching partners often, having one night stands, juggling several partners at once, cheating, or anything like that. I had tons of sex, yes, but it was always with a girlfriend or a fuck buddy. So I wouldn't say that I'm a total slut lol.

Nevertheless, I'm kind of concerned about this issue, mainly for these two reasons:

1. I tolerate all kinds of bullshit from my partners, bend over all kinds of shit, and accept all kinds of disrespectful behaviour, just because I know I will be having sex. That's kind of what's happening with this current girlfriend too. I'm mostly in it for the sex.

2. I realize that having sex everyday might be too much for most people. I cannot expect my partner to be up for it all the time. It only makes sense to take breaks. I know it's much more delicious that way. But it's just so fucking hard for me to live with a hot girl, watch her walk around the apartment naked, and not make a move lol. I either shut down completely - not to feel the urge - or I get grumpy, or whatever else. It's not ok. 

I know this is an issue. I'm kind of in control of it, but also no, not really.

What are your thoughts? What do I do about this? Do I do anything at all?

[Devin]

Most women will like sex everyday if you're attractive. You sound pretty normal, if you want to step your life up a notch though try to be more selective of your woman, it seems you may be being less selective because you're afraid women won't want sex, this isn't true, they have that demeanor socially because of social pressure, but they all want sex with attractive men, lot's of sex.

Edited February 14, 2023 by Devin

[ivankiss]

@Devin Yeah, I definitely keep lowering my standards, just so I could have sex. I could be dating much higher quality women. But I usually settle for less, if we're having plenty of sex. Definitely something I could work on.

[Grateful Dead]

If you want to do something about it, learn about addiction. You can use these triggers in relationships to see where you have more work to do. It is important to understand why you are behaving this way. I recommend looking into the work of Gabor Maté and Richard Schwartz.

[NoSelfSelf]

I would rather never have sex, then tolerate any kind of disrespect from a woman, i would cut her off if she only raised her voice once, i dont get why is there such a high tolerance and low standard of yourself, like sex is more important than me as a whole! Thats could be like a root issue why you are depressed and bitter...you sell your whole being and who you are for sex...

[ivankiss]

@acidgoofy I am familiar with Gabor Mate. I'd say I understand addiction in general pretty good. It's just that I haven't done much of anything about this one in particular. Besides that 5 months break. Something needs to click a bit deeper...

@NoSelfSelf Ouch... Hit the nail on the head with that one. Thanks.

I'm disrespecting myself first, by staying in these kinds of dynamics. I'm aware of that. It just seemed kind of worth it. Of course I draw the line somewhere, I don't let women completely walk all over me. I give plenty of chances, probably more than I should... but this is obviously not healthy for me. I am spitting in my own face, in a sense.

[NoSelfSelf]

@ivankiss If you think its worth it then thats okay,yeah you get it...

In game, you tell her where the line is and if she crosses it once shes out...

If you dont see your worth and value and bring it obviously yes shes gonna disrespect you.

Thats why you need to tolerate disrespect in the first place because you dont have strong inner game  where she is the one coming to you for sex but thats next level ..

You dont have yourself and you are not connected to yourself enough where you can operate and get sex without disrespect(lot of work i know)..

 

[Grateful Dead]

@ivankiss Okay, I said that because I already recommended healing your trauma in your last topic. What needs to click is that you need to understand that you have more trauma than you thought. And then you actually have to do the ugly work of unpacking that shit and heal yourself. Even a 10 year break from sex wouldn't change the core issue, you could fall back into that behaviour anytime if you get triggered bad enough.

[ivankiss]

@NoSelfSelf Well, kind of yeah, but not really. I'd say I had two girlfriends up until this point, that were disrespectful towards me. The rest of them (and there were plenty) were perfectly fine. My most recent ex was hell. This current one is not an angel either. 

She keeps saying sex with me is the best she ever had, and I know she's not bullshitting. She's attracted to me and wants me. It's obvious. But I still feel like she's the one 'in charge' of it, and maybe she's kind of starting to weaponize sex too. She sees that it's my weak spot, I imagine.

I keep setting strong boundaries and I am very clear about stuff that I will not tolerate. But she does not seem to give too much fuck.

So I guess I either walk away, or keep negotiating with her.

[ivankiss]

@acidgoofy I see. Thanks.

I figured taking a break is not going to do the trick, yeah. And I don't really know how to go about unpacking and resolving this. I'm already doing a lot of inner work and healing, pretty much non stop for the past few years. Maybe this will sort itself out naturally. Or maybe I'll have to focus on it directly. I don't know...

What I'm pretty sure about is that this has to do something with worthiness, neglect and abandonment wounds from childhood, not being loved enough as a child, not receiving enough attention, etc.

I noticed that sex is often a way for me to connect to feeling and let go of myself, in a sense. Get out of my head.

[StarStruck]

Your seeking answers about your sexuality. That is something good. Don't let others tell you there is nothing wrong. If you think there is something wrong, you need to psycho-analyse that to gain self-knowledge. I have some a good guess where it comes from but you should seek your answers for yourself.

[ivankiss]

@StarStruck Yeah, I am still not sure if this is such a big deal. Maybe I just need to fuck a lot for a bit longer. I'm sure it would exhaust itself naturally, over time. I won't have a sex drive this high forever. Maybe I should enjoy it while it lasts, in a healthy way.

Choosing a suitable partner is another thing though. That aspect definitely requires work.

Edited February 14, 2023 by ivankiss

[flowboy]

@ivankiss  Sex is great and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying... I've basically made most of my twenties about sex.

I sort of regret that now if I think about it, I realise that if I had just first done more trauma release, I wouldn't have had to work so hard and bend over backwards to get laid, also if I had buckled down sooner I could have been financially independent already and then there's always time for sex later.

Anyways, I had some great times and more to come.

Here's what I learnt:

• I symbolized heavily on sex and the girls I had sex with. Symbolizing means unconsciously trying to get old needs fulfilled through present means. So if I for example lacked belonging in my teen and child years, which is a core need, (I never was popular or accepted), I could sleep with a girl and make that mean that now I was a worthy, cool guy who would be accepted. It sound illogical but the subconscious works in strange ways. You can also symbolize with other needs, for example people who had a cold or stressed mother who didn't touch them enough as a young child, will try to seek that
• Symbolizing makes the experience way more stimulating, addictive and important than it really is
• Sexual transmutation is real. The more I'm in action mode with my life purpose, the less I'm thinking about sex, it actually feels like a distraction to me. So you might also ask yourself if you are doing something with your life that you are so obsessed with, that is so meaningful that sex is a joke compared to that. If not, find it.

Edited February 14, 2023 by flowboy

[StarStruck]

@ivankiss most valuable thing in this whole ordeal is self knowledge.  Be mindful from moment to moment while you are doing it. Eventually you will get answers and that will cut the Gordian knot. 

That whole “it will exhaust itself” bullshit is a half truth. The ego will never be exhausted. And eventually it will replace sex with something else. 

Edited February 14, 2023 by StarStruck

[NoSelfSelf]

@ivankiss True she is sensing the weakness and shes going after it,now i can see why to have game you have to be kinda ruthless and when making boundaries and saying stuff to truly mean it(its not a play its real stuff)you are not meaning what you are saying ,you just are saying it because you are suppose to say it, she can sense it and doesnt give a f ,she can get away with it shes in power position because you care more...dont get me wrong relationships are messy and im giving my pov how i see it with information im given...

Edited February 14, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[Grateful Dead]

55 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

And I don't really know how to go about unpacking and resolving this.

There are different ways. It's best to do some research and pick something that resonates imo. I like IFS therapy because it involves spirituality and is very practical. Also you can do a lot on your own with it, or even do it on psychedelics. Leo made a blog post about it: https://www.actualized.org/insights/ifs-therapy-for-trauma-healing

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

I'm already doing a lot of inner work and healing, pretty much non stop for the past few years. Maybe this will sort itself out naturally. Or maybe I'll have to focus on it directly. I don't know...

Yeah you already have a good basis but healing from childhood trauma takes time and a LOT of work, at least for most people. And I don't think this will sort itself out naturally. I can see it in my grandma she is 86 and it only got worse. You don't have to solve the whole thing right away and do nothing else, but I think it's good to become more aware so that eventually it will kinda sort itself out because you are so aware of all this all the time.

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

What I'm pretty sure about is that this has to do something with worthiness, neglect and abandonment wounds from childhood, not being loved enough as a child, not receiving enough attention, etc.

Exactly... Same here, that's why I'm posting. Sometimes when I read your posts I think I could have written them lol

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

I noticed that sex is often a way for me to connect to feeling and let go of myself, in a sense. Get out of my head.

Same. Sex and weed are the main things I use for that too.

[ivankiss]

@flowboy Good stuff, thank you.

I am deeply committed to my purpose and it's definitely the number one thing in my life. I have a very strong vision and I feel like I'm on track. But it can be argued that I tend to deviate from or neglect my life purpose because of girls. It can throw me off, definitely.

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

The ego will never be exhausted. And eventually it will replace sex with something else. 

Good point.

@NoSelfSelf Yeah, you keep hitting the nail on the head. I feel like you're precisely right about what's going on. I know I'm not standing my ground as firmly as I could. I'm trying to correct these patterns. I'm really not a fan of what's going on. Kinda makes me feel like a little bitch sometimes. I feel hooked and consequently taken advantage of.

@acidgoofy I hear you. Great to see someone can relate that deeply. Will dive deeper into all this... Might hit you up via PM.

Thanks!

 

[Leo Gura]

Find something in life that you care about so much that you stop caring about sex.

[ivankiss]

@Leo Gura Found it, long time ago. It's music. I live for it.

But this issue can get in my way sometimes... That's why I'm addressing it.

[Vrubel]

@ivankiss You seem mature and ready for psychedelics, not only will it help you with trauma and emotional healing. With the added consciousness you can see how silly it is to constantly think about women and sex. But of course, in regular consciousness, we men are cursed with a relentless horny desire. Look back at all your relationships, all the beauty and suffering have a specific meaning for your personal growth and spiritual path.

Edited February 14, 2023 by Vrubel