Unaware of my self-righteousness. Pls help.

[Manusia]

Growing up, I struggled to communicate with others, which led me to keep my thoughts to myself. As a result, I have developed a belief that I were more "true" than others since I never engaged in healthy arguments. However, when I did try to talk to people, I noticed that they didn't enjoy conversing with me for extended periods of time. Although I didn't understand why at the time, after graduating from university, I learned that some people thought I was self-righteous and talked behind my back. This upset me, as even my closest friends didn't inform me. Bro, I was unaware, totally.

I realized that I had to change, but I wasn't sure where to begin. My girlfriend pointed out that I am inflexible in arguments, which was the opposite of what I thought about myself. (I am shocked actually). I want to address this problem quickly so that it doesn't affect my relationships with others.

Any solution or experience on this before?

Thanks.

[Ninja_pig]

I used to be a person who was drawn to debate and loved arguing.

You probably are actually open minded and willing to adjust your beliefs when presented with new facts or a new perspective, but I would guess that you make the mistake of verbally challenging others who have differing opinions. You do this because you want to be skeptical and careful, but other people will misinterpret this as defensiveness. Most people are not as interested in debate as you are, especially for the purpose of updating or verifying old beliefs, which is why they don't understand.

My solution was to listen at least twice as much as I speak. Usually I don't really voice my own opinions at all. I merely ask questions, and if I really wish to argue with someone I do it by asking questions that provoke the other person into considering viewpoints they may not have before. Basically just don't argue, that's my advice. Listen to other's viewpoints and evaluate their validity only to yourself. This approach can counter-intuitively make you wiser, more considerate and more thoughtful than a healthy debate can.

[universe]

How much fun do you have yourself and bring into these conversations?

[Hibahere]

It seems like you are open minded and you can introspect as well. I would advise to be mindful while you are conversing. Try to observe yourself while go about your daily life. And definitely like @Ninja_pig said, try to listen more or listen well. People can perceive it when you are actually listening vs when you just want to prove your own point. 

Good luck

[Blackbeat]

"Thanks." Np.

[Manusia]

On 2/14/2023 at 10:55 AM, Ninja_pig said:

mistake of verbally challenging others who have differing opinions. You do this because you want to be skeptical and careful, but other people will misinterpret this as defensiveness. Most people are not as interested in debate as you are, especially for the purpose of updating or verifying old beliefs, which is why they don't understand.

I never thought of this before. Thank you for your sharp observation.

 

On 2/14/2023 at 10:55 AM, Ninja_pig said:

My solution was to listen at least twice as much as I speak. Usually I don't really voice my own opinions at all. I merely ask questions, and if I really wish to argue with someone I do it by asking questions that provoke the other person into considering viewpoints they may not have before. Basically just don't argue, that's my advice. Listen to other's viewpoints and evaluate their validity only to yourself. This approach can counter-intuitively make you wiser, more considerate and more thoughtful than a healthy debate can.

?

[Manusia]

10 hours ago, Hibahere said:

try to listen more or listen well. People can perceive it when you are actually listening vs when you just want to prove your own point. 

Yes. I think I definetely need to be mindful of this!

[hyruga]

Read ego is the enemy by Ryan Holiday.