A journey into the Unknown

[Norbert Somogyi]

Hi!

I've been putting away the thought of journaling here for a loong time. Including today, it is about time to get into my night routine (but hey, better late than never, eh?).

I have no idea in which direction this  will be going. The funny thing is that I've been thinking about it for a while (for too long, trying to make it perfect without even making the first step - happes quite often). I guess I will just start and build it up as it goes.

I feel like I have been interfacing with the world around me on a surface-ish level. Barely did anything with full engagement, yet for some reason I have managed to accomplish a few things I thought impossible long ago. Things like finding a stable 9-5 job, moving out, going out to have fun with or without friends, some success with pickup as well. Sometimes I feel like there is much more potentiality in the life that I can build, yet once I start building it I start to feel like I can't do this and just escape back into this thoughtless existence (much like being on autopilot, when possible).

The office job I have now. In the first month or so I was basically great. Learned very quickly and I was told it will be really easy for me to do this. Then some time have passed and mistakes have started to come up, and eventually I sabotaged myself so much that I was on the verge of being fired more than once. Unhealthy self-esteem is a bitch, I know. For some reason I did not think I was capable of it (when I actually am, if I believed in myself). I guess there's a lot to unpack deep down.

Even now I'm just rapidly going around, barely sticking to any topics. I guess that is reminiscent in the way I live these days, my attention can barely be locked onto anything for more than a minute. Now that I think about it, buying that feature-phone does not sound like such a bad idea. I guess I really need that digital detox, no matter how long I have been postponing it.

Moving on, I have shit to do. Later

 

[Norbert Somogyi]

Another entry into my journal.

It is really hard for me to maintain this journal, because every time I set out to follow up on it I feel a rush of anxiety. I get the urge to distract myself, and eventually forget about it. It happens with quite a few things, but for some reason this time I have the strength to work through it and get down to journaling.

Just celebrated my 25th birthday with some friends camping up in a cave, then at home with family. It was a wonderful experience, got to know this friend I've been hanging out it for years a lot deeper. Up until now I was constantly looking up to him, but this made me realize (like he was saying for a while by now) that he is not better than me. Perhaps in some things, but then I am better in other so who cares? Had a lot of deep discussions with him about life, psychology, spirituality and the future that we can see for the world. That is something I am relatively good at, but talking shit and having fun with others is something I'm still working on, still dependent on external validation.

I've always thought that throughout my life I've always been passive & superficial with people in my life. However an insight just came to mind that the person I was showing to them at the time was actually me back then. Including the anxiety, seeking external validation, trying to please them instead of showing who I am. This kind of relieved me some of the guilt of me handling relationships transactionally in a sense (I only seeked the company of people I have seen value in (according to my perspective)), and the only way I could show them that I care was through either good deeds or material gifts of sort. Wanted to make up for my lack of social calibration, which seems to be improving week by week.

Journaling is still painful, but I'm sure there is a lot deeper to dig into and thus I'll keep going.

[Norbert Somogyi]

Today I managed to respond to a person I've been holding off for like 1,5 months. Social media is a bitch, it can easily distort your perception of responsibility when it comes to communication.

Another thing is a thought-process (perhaps an insight) that popped into my mind as I was travelling back to my apartment from work. I was always interested in things and had an innate curiosity, but it often stopped at a superficial level. Whenever I questioned things on a deeper level (concerning any topic including my identity) I met a wall which brought me pain and anxiety. Couldn't break through that effectively for years.

Maybe it is because it does not align with my self-image (which I'm just discovering on a deeper level). Perhaps my self-image does not include innate curiosity, wisdom and introspection. It is, a weird thought.

[Norbert Somogyi]

Finally got accepted into Integral Academy here in Hungary, my life is on its path towards enrichment. It is also a possibility for me to begin responding to my innate calling I've been ignoring for a long time. The interview was comfortable and cozy, went great. There is still a huge anxiety rushing over me (as always whenever I take steps in a direction),  an inner voice telling me I won't be able to do it.

Yet at the same time, I'm already formulating plans to deal with the financial deficit it may cause me, in ways I could further enrich my life. Didn't feel so excited yet so anxious at the same time in a while. Gonna push ahead.

[Norbert Somogyi]

Back again.

Ever since the incident I accidentally brought a hurt and long-repressed part of myself to the surface, my life has been swinging back and forth between periods of productivity and a general improvement in well-being, as well as intense anxiety. I had a coffee break booked with my coach but I had an intense anxiety the night before.  I decided to go out in the night to club and went overboard with drinking, trying to numb the anxiety. I slept in and felt intense guilt. Fortunately she handled it with grace and positivity, made it easier for me to forgive myself for it.

Even now I have an intense anxiety, and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I only have this recent episodes of anxiety (that I cannot connect to anything else) and a subsequent dream as a reference for the existence of this part of me. Not sure what event led to its' creation (separation) or how can I integrate it. I feel like journaling about it would be my best option at the moment, but the pain is overwhelming. Will try to do it nevertheless

Edited March 5, 2023 by Norbert Somogyi
added in details