How to process things quickly without backlash?

[Norbert Somogyi]

Hi!

I've been a loong-time lurker of this forum with only a few posts here and there. Another addiction of mine.

I was at a cafe reading Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden I just bought recently. I tried to read it first by taking notes along the line, but I soon realized that it was not effective and I was lowkey fooling myself. So I started to just read it and dive deep into the book. Turns out I went a little too deep, as the book was slapping me around with each page I was reading. A lot of things have risen to the surface I was repressing for years.

The thousands of hours I spent browsing the internet semi-mindlessly. The number of times I sabotaged myself when things started to go too well, like in job roles and relationships (or even friendships - I have underlying attachment issues as I could not form a healthy relationship of any kind so far, not even with my family - or myself for that matter).

The bursts of energy and motivation, followed by falling back into my old protective, but unhealthy habits soon after once (again) things started to go *too* well. I am also heavily dependent on external validation. There's so much more.

I felt incredibly vulnerable standing up and going home, been feeling like this since. In fact my brain threw me a quick dream, in which I was walking somewhere until I met someone who was pointing a bright flashlight at me. He pushed me back so much I fell on my cheeks. He sit down so I could see his face (with the flashlight still in my face), and pointed in a direction possibly signaling for me to go away. I have woken up soon after (must have been not even an hour into my sleep), feeling even worse. I tried to reconcile myself and tried to start talking to the part of me that felt vulnerable and hurt (with little success, but was an eye-opening experience).

For some context: I am a 24 year old male, spent some time with psychotherapy (solo and group alike). I achieved some success (living on my own independently, with a stable job, some success in pickup too), but I just feel there is so much more potentiality. This is something that's been holding me down for a long time, and only now I am starting to realize how deep it is.

[flowboy]

Thanks for sharing!

You're just in the phase of recognising several neurotic symptoms (self sabotage, dependence on external validation, etc)

Perhaps just about to realise that self-help books which teach you a healthier mindset, don't always stick, or sometimes the backlashes are immense.

And it can seem like subconsciously, part of you wants to fail or stay in that sabotaging state.

Reality is more positive than that.

This mechanism (self sabotage) is designed to create a feeling that is reminiscent of unprocessed childhood or infant pain.

Or, that's the effect of it. This is how people get stuck in the same traps.

If you use them as a pointer, your subconscious will help you to permanently heal.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89452-healing-my-childhood/

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89850-death-by-childhood-how-trauma-slowly-kills-you/

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89100-weird-jaw-tensioncramping-during-meditation/#comment-1261494

[Norbert Somogyi]

@flowboy Thank you for the thoughtful response! Given me food for thought. I will also check out the links you provided.

You also inadvertedly have given me the motivation to start a journal here, so thanks!

Edited February 13, 2023 by Norbert Somogyi

[flowboy]

@Norbert Somogyi Thank you as well, I was able to turn that response you inspired me to write into a new text on my website

Journaling here helped me a lot, good decision!

Edited February 13, 2023 by flowboy