Insights about Anger

[TheAlchemist]

I was trying to figure out how to be more authentic and what is it that stops me from living my truth. I realized that anger was a key to authenticity and it tied into the core of my struggle.

Some of these points I should thank my friends for, who planted many of these seeds in my mind earlier. And of course what I read in books etc. But only now have they flourished into real insight that is a living truth for me:

• Anger is the most powerul emotion because it is the self-preservation/self-defense instinct. Just like an animal will bite you if you poke it and prod it, so will a human naturally protect their boundaries if they are breached. 

 

• The boundaries are what make the person, so it is not nor should it be a small thing to cross someones boundaries. Anger is a proper response to someone pushing into your space for example. In this way anger is absolutely healthy and normal and should be encouraged and integrated as a healthy aspect of being human. 

 

• Anger leads to problems when it is not just used for protecting your own boundaries in self-defense, but breaches other people's boundaries. When anger goes too far, the person wants to cause the other to feel the pain that they feel, because the angry person doesn't know any other, healthier way of gaining empathy. 

 

• Anger also reveals our deepest values, what we see as important (preferences/biases). We don't get angry over a dog pissing on the street. But we do get angry when someone is driving too slow or talks loudly in a hostel room at night. This is because for example we deeply value being considerate or aware of others. Or we have a need for rest. And anger can reveal that wonderfully. 

 

• When we completely supress anger, we lose touch with ourselves, since we constantly tell ourselves that our boundaries are not worth defending. We tell ourselves other peoples needs are more important than ours. This leads to low self-esteem and low self worth. We lose authenticity, we lose touch with our inner child that needs to know it's safe to be here since there is a sufficient internal protection and a robust self defense system in place. Just imagine how anxious and stifled citizens of a country that might be invaded any day with no defenses would be. Or a family in a high crime area that lives in a house with no protection or protector. In other words, no boundaries. That kind of environment is clearly not a place that encourages people who live there to fully actualize their potential.

 

• One root cause of low self-worth is suppression and denial of anger. With no anger, there is no safety, there is no confidence.

 

• The mature thing to do with anger is to channel it assertively and clearly to communicate if someone is breaching your boundaries or if some of your needs are not being met or to communicate what values are important to you. When angry tell the person how you feel, and what objective behavior of theirs is causing you to feel that way. Then tell them what they could do instead and invite them to do that out of their own choice.  

 

• When others are angry at us, and they are incapable of expressing it clearly; we can use it as an opportunity to help them notice how some of their needs are not bring met in that moment or how they might feel disrespected or not heard for example. 

 

• If you find yourself second guessing yourself and not sure if your anger is "justified", go back to your values, your needs and your boundaries. That's all you need to focus on. Not in making other people act a certain way, but simply making sure your self and its state of sovereignty is intact. And if needed, you can communicate what specific actions somebody could choose to do or stop doing to help you feel more at ease. 

 

A bit off topic:

• Diplomacy is interaction between entities that have needs, values and boundaries that are at times in conflict with each other. Great diplomacy is calm but assertive communication of needs, values and boundaries, which are defended by the potential for physical force for self-defense. War is an expression of anger. A "healthy" war is one that defends boundaries, needs and values of a specific entity, while still not trying to remove another entitys boundaries, needs or values. 
• World peace is the ultimate end goal of diplomacy. Anger and conflict have a healthy role to play in diplomacy and the path to peace.

 

Edited February 5, 2023 by TheAlchemist

[UDT]

6 hours ago, TheAlchemist said:

Anger also reveals our deepest values, what we see as important (preferences/biases). We don't get angry over a dog pissing on the street. But we do get angry when someone is driving too slow or talks loudly in a hostel room at night. This is because for example we deeply value being considerate or aware of others. Or we have a need for rest. And anger can reveal that wonderfully. 

Thats so cool! Great insight