Why am I attracting girls like this?

[ivankiss]

It's not all of them, of course, but quite a few girls I was more serious with, had a terrible past. Stuff that kinda makes you wanna throw up.

One of them was gang raped when she was 9. The other one was hooked on coke and was sucking dick for it at age 15. This current one was involved in all kinds of nasty stuff too. Dating guys twice her age, was harassed many times while she was blackout drunk, and I'm pretty sure she was raped too. I'm trying not to go into it or ask about her past too much, because, well, it just fucking hurts to imagine her in those kinds of situations. Or any girl for that matter.

What's up with all that? Is it me or what? Why am I attracting or being attracted to girls with heavy baggage? How do I not judge them or feel sick when stuff like this comes up in a conversation? Or should I avoid girls like this? They do tend to be kinda coo coo at times. It only makes sense.

Any experience with this guys?

[ivankiss]

@Mormegil Yeah, I hear you. Definitely had the role of a saviour in the past. I already did a lot of work in this area and I think I'm doing good now. I'm not trying to save this girl or set her on the right path or anything. At least not directly. It's kinda happening on its own, simply by spending time together.

I like quite a few things about her. We're in love and all that. But some stuff I just cannot digest. What she's been through is shown in her behaviour in the present, one way or the other. It just seems like too much work. It's too twisted.

I'm not ready to walk away just yet. I do enjoy being with her, most of the time. But I'm pretty sure this won't work in the long run.

I'd just like to avoid feeling sick and judging her about this stuff. It's her life. Has nothing to do with me. Don't know why I feel this so intensely... 

[Devin]

Avoid them, it might seem cold but you're playing with fire. Don't be so quick to get in a relationship with a woman until you have a good sense about her, date a while before making it official.

[Everyday]

24 minutes ago, Devin said:

Avoid them, it might seem cold but you're playing with fire. Don't be so quick to get in a relationship with a woman until you have a good sense about her, date a while before making it official.

That's really good advice, man :))

 

[ivankiss]

@Devin I hear you, and maybe I secretly enjoy playing with fire lol. I don't know. Of course I'm not a fan of the pain and drama that comes with it, but there is just something about girls like this that gets me hooked. There is depth to them. And sex is more often than not insanely good. Maybe that's the catch. Maybe if I wasn't into having lots of freaky sex, then I wouldn't be into girls like this at all...

Definitely something to think about more deeply.

[ivankiss]

It makes me think... does this make me some kind of a predator too? I mean, it's not like I'm consciously seeking out girls like this.. more often than not they come to me first and, in a sense, pick me up... But I do choose to stay with them, despite getting to know all that stuff about them. Should I walk away, right away, because I see how twisted it is? Should I know better? Am I 'taking advantage' of them?

I never harassed a girl in my life, ever. Never even pushed hard, or anything like that. I always got girls easily. But I see how staying with this kind of girls could mean that there is something twisted deeper within me too...

Edited February 4, 2023 by ivankiss

[integral]

24 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

pick me up

Its because its easy to get them, and they want and are needy for all your attention.

Edited February 4, 2023 by integral

[Devin]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

@Devin I hear you, and maybe I secretly enjoy playing with fire lol. I don't know. Of course I'm not a fan of the pain and drama that comes with it, but there is just something about girls like this that gets me hooked. There is depth to them. And sex is more often than not insanely good. Maybe that's the catch. Maybe if I wasn't into having lots of freaky sex, then I wouldn't be into girls like this at all...

Definitely something to think about more deeply.

Well if you're into it have fun then, sounds like you probably don't want it long term though so I'd just try to remember that.

Nice girls like a lot of good sex too by the way, maybe more long term too because they haven't had as much.

[eos_nyxia]

Off the cuff, all or one of these could apply:

1) Some version of "your trauma is attracted to their trauma" on a sub or semi-conscious level.
2) Some version of finding "normal, healthy", perfectly well adjusted, perfect on paper" boring and/or unrelatable, or even vapid. (Even if you feel that you are supposed to feel a different way.)
3) Someone mentioned the saviour complex. Often this strikes me as a way of deflecting from being with your own feelings, especially being still and alone with them. On a purely selfish level, it's easier to focus on "fixing" someone rather than yourself. And it makes people feel good, and gives them a sense of purpose to their lives.
4) There's also simply wanting someone to feel like you're better than someone. Or more put together, more stable, more accomplished... whatever it is, really. That layer of judgement prevents you from interacting as if you were on par, simply and openly as one sentient being to another. As a couple, it's so you can literally feel like the better half in comparison. I honestly think this is probably more common than people would care to admit. Even if you don't exactly say anything or overtly do anything to show this, I sense that lots of people get some silent sense of vindication and self-worth this way. It saves people from focusing on themselves, simply on their own terms.... God forbid that you also "be a mess"...

Only you can look at yourself decide what is honestly true though, I suppose.

(Coming from someone whose childhood automatically makes them "damaged goods" on paper, one way or another.)

[Gesundheit2]

Could be the class/level you're socializing with/at.

[vindicated erudite]

You're not advertising yourself to enough women. BPD women experience negative feelings strongly such as insecurity and thus will push for relationships harder than other women thus why you've only ended up with "crazy chicks".

[Leo Gura]

From my experience something like 50% of girls have been sexually abused in one way or another.

Edited February 5, 2023 by Leo Gura

[supremeyingyang]

@Leo Gura

That is a really sad, I ask myself if I happen to meet the other 50% or if I just don't know. That can't be right.

[Grateful Dead]

The last girl I dated went through some shit too. Abused as a kid by a guy from the church and later got addicted to heroin for a year or so and stuff like that. With her it was, as you said, "playing with fire", very intense and dramatic. I also thought it's the depth that got me hooked because it seemed so interesting. But I found out that it was a trauma bondage. As on a subconscious level, I am addicted to feeling intense emotions and she triggered me like no other. It goes very deep, but basically you will attract people like that until you heal your trauma. Maybe it's similar for you..

 

[Vrubel]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

From my experience something like 50% of girls have been sexually abused in one way or another.

Disgusting. 

I was walking the other day onto a relatively quiet train station and there were these teenagers, boy and girl. The girl was absolutely hammered she was laying on the ground with her legs all over her head, and in other similar suggestive positions, the boy kinda dragged her along. And the worst part is that it was just the early evening and they were planning on taking the train somewhere, probably to party. 

I asked them "is everything alright?" They both replied "Yes!"

But then some other random big dudes stepped in and didn't allow them to board the train and basically ordered them to go home. 
They were both just stupid teenagers, it didn't seem particularly malicious and the girl herself really wanted to go. But holyshit, this is how rape happens and lives are ruined for both girls and boys. Imagine your daughter or sister being that girl. 

Edited February 5, 2023 by Vrubel

[supremeyingyang]

14 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

Disgusting. 

I was walking the other day onto a relatively quiet train station and there were these teenagers, boy and girl. The girl was absolutely hammered she was laying on the ground with her legs all over her head, and in other similar suggestive positions, the boy kinda dragged her along. And the worst part is that it was just the early evening and they were planning on taking the train somewhere, probably to party. 

I asked them "is everything alright?" They both replied "Yes!"

But then some other random big dudes stepped in and didn't allow them to board the train and basically ordered them to go home. 
They were both just stupid teenagers, it didn't seem particularly malicious and the girl herself really wanted to go. But holyshit, this is how rape happens and lives are ruined for both girls and boys. Imagine your daughter or sister being that girl. 

By the time they are teens you can't really do much. Parents need to talk to their kids when they are younger.

I sometimes see Youngsters (16-21) when I buy groceries in the evening and they ask me to buy them alcohol. I don't do it. When I was their age I would ask strangers to buy alcohol for me it and they did it. Now the Question - why would they buy me alcohol? Didn't they know what I know now?

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, supremeyingyang said:

@Leo Gura

That is a really sad, I ask myself if I happen to meet the other 50% or if I just don't know. That can't be right.

You have dig deep into a girl's secrets to find it. Most girls will not just shower you with such information.

99% of sexual abuse goes unreported to anyone.

Edited February 5, 2023 by Leo Gura

[ZenSwift]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

From my experience something like 50% of girls have been sexually abused in one way or another.

That recontextualizes for me so much about why women behave the way they do.

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

You have dig deep into a girl's secrets to find it. Most girls will not just shower you with such information.

99% of sexual abuse goes unreported to anyone.

That makes sense too, most people don't have the emotional support to be able to have that vulnerability. 

[StarStruck]

@ivankiss your own sexuality attracts people with similar sexuality. From other threads I know you like a certain kind of sex. You need to do some sexual transmutation to purify your sexuality. 

Edited February 5, 2023 by StarStruck

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaYK2utj97Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJ6c36XQ5RM