Am I losing my best friend?

[Simon Håkansson]

Hello everyone

I have an issue with my relationship to my closest friend. We had a very good relationship in high school, but it feels like we are starting to drift apart more and more and I am not sure what to do about it. Immediately after high school we both started taking different classes at the university and he really threw himself head first into the university life, being extremely active, partying and studying a lot, we didn't hang out much during the first year at university, since he was busy all the time, but slowly he started to realize that he didn't like the hectic student life or the shallow relationships that he was building (a lot of his new friends turned out to not care that much about him, or at least that's his version of it). We started to hang out more and we always had very deep and personal conversations, it seemed that we could talk about anything and be very honest with each other.

Then came the pandemic, and we didn't meet a lot during that period (for obvious reasons). We hung out mostly on video and phone calls (which I generally do not like to do). After the restrictions lifted I could see three mayor changes in my friends behavior. First he had developed a mental illness and having problems with anxiety. Every time we planed to do something, like taking a walk, go out to eat lunch etc. he almost always cancelled out, and it wasn't rare that he did it last minute (an hour before we were supposed to meet), he always said that he was tired, that he had way to much studying to do, or that he had some side effect from the medicine he was taking. This was just something that I accepted by not counting on him when I booked something in my calender, I myself have suffered from mental illness in the past, so I don't want to be harsch on him.

Second thing that changed: Our conversations started to feel really boring, it felt like everything we talked about were our studies, what we were going to study in the upcoming semsters, what tasks we had to do etc. Other times it felt like the conversations were deep in a forced way. I generally love deep talk, but sometimes I felt like I wanted to talk shit, just talking about random stuff without it needing to be insightful.

Lastly: He got a new girlfriend at the end of 2020 and he has been isolated with her ever since. Almost Every time I ask my friends out for a gaming night. he can't because he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend, whom I've never met, despited me having stated clearly that she also could be invited to our board game night. (apperently he hasn't met her family either, despite said family living about 20 km away). 

The situation that really got me to lose my patience though was when my dad told me he had cancer, (exactly how bad it is we do not yet know). The same evening I wrote to my friend asking if he would like to met me this weekend, because I could really need it. He replied "Can we talk on zoom/phone on sunday, I can't because I'm with my girlfriend." I said that I didn't like talking on the phone, that I thought he was isolating himself too much with his girlfriend and it could be good if he set time aside to do other things too, I also said that I was in a situation were I could really feel better if I had someone to talk to. He replied that he decides for himself how to use his time, that he loves his girlfriend above all else and so the natural choise is to spend as much time with her as possible during the weekend when both are free. He goes on to say that he really doesn't want me to feel deprioritized, that he knows I hate to speak on phone/video but that it is the best that he can offer. Right now he is completely completely busy with himself and his psyche. (these last two sentences really made me start to question our friendship)

Sorry for long thread, I wanted to be as detailed and nuanced as I could. My question is: Is this relationship salvageable? I don't really know what to do.

[supremeyingyang]

6 hours ago, Simon Håkansson said:

Hello everyone

I have an issue with my relationship to my closest friend. We had a very good relationship in high school, but it feels like we are starting to drift apart more and more and I am not sure what to do about it. Immediately after high school we both started taking different classes at the university and he really threw himself head first into the university life, being extremely active, partying and studying a lot, we didn't hang out much during the first year at university, since he was busy all the time, but slowly he started to realize that he didn't like the hectic student life or the shallow relationships that he was building (a lot of his new friends turned out to not care that much about him, or at least that's his version of it). We started to hang out more and we always had very deep and personal conversations, it seemed that we could talk about anything and be very honest with each other.

Then came the pandemic, and we didn't meet a lot during that period (for obvious reasons). We hung out mostly on video and phone calls (which I generally do not like to do). After the restrictions lifted I could see three mayor changes in my friends behavior. First he had developed a mental illness and having problems with anxiety. Every time we planed to do something, like taking a walk, go out to eat lunch etc. he almost always cancelled out, and it wasn't rare that he did it last minute (an hour before we were supposed to meet), he always said that he was tired, that he had way to much studying to do, or that he had some side effect from the medicine he was taking. This was just something that I accepted by not counting on him when I booked something in my calender, I myself have suffered from mental illness in the past, so I don't want to be harsch on him.

Second thing that changed: Our conversations started to feel really boring, it felt like everything we talked about were our studies, what we were going to study in the upcoming semsters, what tasks we had to do etc. Other times it felt like the conversations were deep in a forced way. I generally love deep talk, but sometimes I felt like I wanted to talk shit, just talking about random stuff without it needing to be insightful.

Lastly: He got a new girlfriend at the end of 2020 and he has been isolated with her ever since. Almost Every time I ask my friends out for a gaming night. he can't because he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend, whom I've never met, despited me having stated clearly that she also could be invited to our board game night. (apperently he hasn't met her family either, despite said family living about 20 km away). 

The situation that really got me to lose my patience though was when my dad told me he had cancer, (exactly how bad it is we do not yet know). The same evening I wrote to my friend asking if he would like to met me this weekend, because I could really need it. He replied "Can we talk on zoom/phone on sunday, I can't because I'm with my girlfriend." I said that I didn't like talking on the phone, that I thought he was isolating himself too much with his girlfriend and it could be good if he set time aside to do other things too, I also said that I was in a situation were I could really feel better if I had someone to talk to. He replied that he decides for himself how to use his time, that he loves his girlfriend above all else and so the natural choise is to spend as much time with her as possible during the weekend when both are free. He goes on to say that he really doesn't want me to feel deprioritized, that he knows I hate to speak on phone/video but that it is the best that he can offer. Right now he is completely completely busy with himself and his psyche. (these last two sentences really made me start to question our friendship)

Sorry for long thread, I wanted to be as detailed and nuanced as I could. My question is: Is this relationship salvageable? I don't really know what to do.

Sry too hear that from your dad, you know my dad died 2 months ago.

Regarding your friend... We in my german Town have a slang word for it: Weg gewichst. He is weg gewichst, meaning we has lost the juice of life. Living just for the hedonic treatmill. Often when a man gets into a relationship he loses his backbone and becomes just lazy and complacent. That seems to be the case.

Can you tell him upfront that you think he is destroying himself and the friendship slowly?

 

Edited February 4, 2023 by supremeyingyang

[universe]

Only time will tell.

Some friendships slip away, and the pandemic really hit hard on many relationships.

And when you have a S.O. of course you won't have as much time for others as before. Thats normal.

With someone who deals with mental illness you almost have to accept that the friendship will be a bit fickle.

Focus on healing yourself and Self-Love, maybe it's time to make new friends?

Could be a new chapter in your life  

[flowboy]

Well, he's not taking up the position of "best friend" anymore.

And it can be painful to face that.

So he's signalling to you that you need to find a replacement for that, someone who can be there for you when heavy things happen.

In my opinion, if he doesn't make any time to see you if you get the news that your dad has cancer, he's no longer a friend.

Whether you call him an acquaintance, a former friend or a distant friend is up to you and your standards.

What you need to do is hang out with someone else and stop trying with this guy.

Let him come to you, but only for real meetings, not zoom calls.

Maybe he'll see the error of his ways someday.

Don't wait for it though.

Edited February 7, 2023 by flowboy