What The **** Is Going On?

[100rockets]

I've been very suicidal lately. I'm realizing I'm scared of life, and I'm scared of death. We humans have so much shit, the insecurities, the pain, the fear. Fear of loss, fear of rejection. Entitlement. All these sensations of hunger, thirst, pain, attraction, feelings. For what? Whats it all for? What is the point? We're so ugly, ugly creatures. I'll spare you some of my morbid thoughts but the whole process of living and dying its bad and its ugly.  What is it for?

The reason I'm posting this here and not under serious emotional problems is because this thought just occurred to me, where is all of this anyway? Where is the pain? Where are the insecurities? Where is all the ugliness? It all runs so deep, its so huge I never realized this before. Even the good things are ugly, Where is all of it? The pain or the pleasure or joy or whatever. I can't point to any of it. What the ** is going on? What is this? It's like the whole thing a cosmic joke

 

Edited March 6, 2017 by 100rockets

[Christian]

I had the same realization. Life contains no joy, no happiness, none of all that shit you stated above. These are all illusory constructions of your mind. And seeing these constructions for what they literally existentially are is a scary thing. But it shows that your consciousness is growing, that's good. When you are having these emotional spells, that shows whatever techniques you are using are effective. Stuff is getting purified from your psyche and you are experiencing the aftermath. Be mindful of that going forward and ideally avoid getting discouraged by these thoughts. 

[Dodo]

It's all because the smiles of the children deserve to be! 

Many other things too. I think you just concentrate on the wrong things,  you choose where to look.

[100rockets]

What do you do now when you realize there's no happiness either? It's not just depression, I can see that its all bs. So why pursue it? Why do anything? It's all a lie. I can see all my bs is a lie! its nuts I dont know what to do about it

Even my family is a lie, my parents think im their child, or a friend or whatever. I'm really nothing. Its just a piece of meat with billions of nerves and stupid thoughts circulating around itself making meaning to nothing just trying to survive. For what reason? It doesnt even know. I dont wanna talk to anyone or see anyone. I havent been anyways, its all pointless

Edited March 6, 2017 by 100rockets

[Toby]

Get "The End of Your World" by Adyashanti as Audiobook or Book and get to the traps-chapter. It could be some aspect of the "meaningless"-trap.

[PureExp]

@100rockets It seems you are now taking baby steps towards liberation, aka absolute freedom.

Yes, the external stuff is like a mirage, and chasing happiness in objects, situations and people is bound to fail, its like grasping air with bare hands.

Once you see through it, such feelings like yours arise spontaneously, it all appears meaningless or even disgusting. This is the perfect time to detach and seek a teacher who will pick you up from this mess and show you a path to liberation.

Do not try to fix the mess, its not there, fix yourself, be free.

[100rockets]

@Toby Thank you

[Nahm]

@100rockets I feel that I was once where you are. I lost all sense of purpose, I lost all sense of even my own senses. Total LOST. I had absolutely zero to look forward to and nothing to appreciate. Death was attractive relative to where I was. 

The thing you have to have a little faith, reason, understanding in - you have no idea what the rebound or bounce is. I did not know how this worked when I was in that place, so admittedly, it's easy for me to say now, in hindsight  - but OMG if only I would've known about this then!!!!!! 

What we experience constructs us. IMO there is a reliable universal law that says however bad it is now, it will be equally good as a result of it. Hang in there or you'll miss the miracle!!!! 

Try getting away for a few days. You will likely get some perspective. 

Also, seeing the "lie" is a gift. You are liberated. If it's all a lie, now you can do anything. 

[PureExp]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Also, seeing the "lie" is a gift.

Yes, he is waking up from the Matrix, so to speak

[100rockets]

5 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Also, seeing the "lie" is a gift. You are liberated. If it's all a lie, now you can do anything. 

 

1 minute ago, PureExp said:

Yes, he is waking up from the Matrix, so to speak

The problem is this lie is so deep I don't think I've seen it all. Not enough. But It's freaky just taking a glimpse.

[Shin]

I'm at the point where I hear my mother asking me to come down when trying to sleep (with a creepy voice, horror movie style), while she's obviously can't be in the appartement.

Next step is hallucination I guess, cool shit, no need to sleep right

 

[cirkussmile]

Congratulations!

[Flare]

@100rockets Did you give Camus Sisyphus a read? (He used the old story as an metaphor) 

Life is absurd, but in seeing it as this you actually get to joy.

By the way,  I don't get it how you and others here can speak of a lie and "bs" neglecting happiness in the same sentence. Pure duality - nothing near awakening. If there is nothing true, there can be no lie. If there is no happiness, then there can't be any true depression. So why care anyway? Life can't be ugly if there is no good. 

Happiness does exist, it's something physical your consciousness is experiencing. Saying it doesn't exist is just as illusionary as clinging to it. Michel Foucault had the same ideas. Well turns out HIV isn't just a concept , sadly enough though - he was a real genius.

Other point I don't get, you're trusting your critical thoughts but not the reality. Thoughts and especially language is a social construct. If you wanna cut a knife with itself I really wish you the best luck. It won't work. Question your thought as much as you question the "reality". It's nice to see trough some misconcepts that were inflicted on you since you're a child, but please don't be that one sided. I get it that the (first) liberation can be painful, but you're still clinging to what is causing the suffering which are in this case your thought. You're making up the "problem" where there is none. You're searching for an solution, stop that. Problems only exist when there can be a solution, otherwise there not problems but just thinks to accept. Try it. Accept things as they are, your ego is just telling you that the world should be different, when in case that's the real illusion. 

@Nahm Seems like a the state "drunk of emptiness". I actually really enjoyed this somehow. You literally don't care anymore. 

[100rockets]

3 hours ago, Flare said:

By the way,  I don't get it how you and others here can speak of a lie and "bs" neglecting happiness in the same sentence. Pure duality - nothing near awakening. If there is nothing true, there can be no lie. If there is no happiness, then there can't be any true depression. So why care anyway? Life can't be ugly if there is no good.

I can see that all happiness is bs only to satisfy some bs desire or get some pleasure which doesn't really exist anyway. I like what you're saying tho..duality. I guess I'm in a black hole right now so I am seeing this from there.

And I'll give your other points a thought. Thanks

[Leo Gura]

@100rockets This is where you gotta be very mindful.

Can you see that when you hold that reality is meaningless, and that's a problem for you, that's only a problem because you're actually giving meaninglessness a negative meaning? So you're actually not being true to meaninglessness. Meaninglessness is meaningless. Which means it can't be negative or bad.

Investigate this issue until your mind grasps that it's still creating negative meaning, but calling it "meaningless". But that is actually very meaningful. Which is untrue.

It's important that you don't allow the mind to misinterpret or warp existential truths. The mind can do that all day long and drive itself nuts.

[Barna]

Do you feel disgust against humanity and life? Then feel it. Don't think about it. Don't even care about it, just feel it. Don't be afraid of it, just feel it with your whole body. With your whole self. It feels bitter but sweet in the same time. Do you feel it? Become it. Make it your core energy. Let go of everything else. Don't be afraid of it, FULLY BECOME IT. Become disgust itself.

And then you realize, that you are the disgust end of the disgust-love emotion spectrum. But this is a false perspective, because you are not a point on the spectrum. You are the whole spectrum. All of it. You are yourself the infinite possibilities of EVERY emotion. You just chose to feel the disgust point of the spectrum, but the whole spectrum is inside you, part of you. The spectrum is INFINITE, but it is ALL inside you.

And now the freedom is yours. You can feel any emotion you want. There are no "good" emotions or "bad" emotions. All emotions are just different points of the same spectrum. And the whole spectrum is inside you.

[Bob84]

23 hours ago, 100rockets said:

I've been very suicidal lately. I'm realizing I'm scared of life, and I'm scared of death. We humans have so much shit, the insecurities, the pain, the fear. Fear of loss, fear of rejection. Entitlement. All these sensations of hunger, thirst, pain, attraction, feelings. For what? Whats it all for? What is the point? We're so ugly, ugly creatures. I'll spare you some of my morbid thoughts but the whole process of living and dying its bad and its ugly.  What is it for?

The reason I'm posting this here and not under serious emotional problems is because this thought just occurred to me, where is all of this anyway? Where is the pain? Where are the insecurities? Where is all the ugliness? It all runs so deep, its so huge I never realized this before. Even the good things are ugly, Where is all of it? The pain or the pleasure or joy or whatever. I can't point to any of it. What the ** is going on? What is this? It's like the whole thing a cosmic joke

Short answer: in your head.
When you don't think about it, like when you are watching a movie or something, none of it exists.
So is it really more then mental masturbation?

[Shin]

16 minutes ago, Bob84 said:

Short answer: in your head.
When you don't think about it, like when you are watching a movie or something, none of it exists.
So is it really more then mental masturbation?

Everything mental is mental masturbation ^^

 

Edited March 7, 2017 by Shin

[Dodo]

It's victim mentality. There's a lot to live for. You see humans as ugly, but have you seen the human eyes?

Have you seen your eyes in good lighting, or better yet, have you seen your inner eye/I.

You will fall inlove. Love is what keeps us here.

[Vercingetorix]

@100rockets If's it's meaningless how come you take your thoughts so seriously? aren't they meaningless either? 
can you see the blind spot of the ego? It thinks what's it thinks is true, even when it contradicts the thoughts it is thinking themselves.
The irony is that only through the mind division to good and bad, beautiful and ugly the world becomes such. that is to say, only if you are thinking the world is ugly, it becomes so. drop the thought and the world becomes beyond ugly and beautiful, which is quite beautiful  

How can you see this for yourself? Notice that every external situation that you judge creates a sensation inside of you. Together the sensation and the thought create an emotion. through observation of what's happening inside you, you can gradually see that the problem is not in the external situation but in the internal sensation that you are sensing and you were conditioned to resist. When you see that for yourself you can stop trying to solve the external situation with your mind and focus on the sensations. Then you can also become aware that the sensations themselves don't have the characteristics of "good" or "bad", "painful", "hurting", but rather more neutral traits as "pulsing", "itchy", "strong", "sublte", And the only thing that causes your pain and suffering is the resistance to the sensation. the resistance comes in two forms, mental activity of the brain, trying to solve the sensation (again cunningly the brains tells you it try to solve the external situation) and resistance in the body - contraction of muscles. If you understand this you can start to develop concentration and awareness to the bodily sensations and see them for what they are. Paradoxically, when you stop resisting the sensations and accept them as they are, they tend to vanish as if never existed (But if you watch them in the hope of making them disappear you will be still resisting them so it won't work, from experience  ).
And then when you stop seeing the sensations as good or bad, you will also stop seeing the world as good or bad, but just as it is. which is quite beautiful