Deep anger and hate towards God and Jesus.

[meninojiraya]

I wish I never read the bible, or tried to understand christianity.

I was happy just being told as a kid what God was and praying and asking for stuff and forgetting about it later.

I created so much hatred and anger towards God, Jesus and the church, I blame him for everything and just cuss at him, flip the finger at the sky sometimes.
I dream screaming at him (a scream that comes from my deepest self) and just feel like an abandoned son of a hateful and psychopath God (just by looking at nature, human suffering and the abandonment I cant love such God). There is nothing that I despise more than God.

It sucks the life out of me, I have no desire to get my survival stuff done and clean, my creative desires and worldly desires with this weight on my head and heart, I forget about it sometimes but it's something that I have no idea how to deal with. I say that I must go to the church or some shit like that but I have such a deep anger towards the church and Jesus (for many reasons, mostly because I don't agree with him, even if it was true, I don't like how he did things etc)

At the same time, I can't get it out of my head, I'm going insane. When I have nightmares I pray the prayer I was taught as a child and say "in the Jesus name" and the nightmare gets over sometimes, it's such a cognitive dissonance and I don't know how to deal with it.

I need something to hold to, like a spiritual path, because I know material stuff wont fufill this hole the size of a god inside of me,  and part of me feels if I go another path, it is from the devil, and all the Leo teaching and psychodelic shit are actually really gonna fuck up my mind even more. Like the devil disguised as light. My intuition says to not play with this (I'm mostly here for the self development stuff)

Anyone has had a similar experience? I just threw the bible I had in the trashcan but it makes no sense why do I have an anger towards it if I don't even know I believe it... Its crazy. I just want to be a functional human again

I grew up without a father so maybe my brain is mixing stuff up... needed to get this out of my chest for some reason.

Edited February 2, 2023 by meninojiraya
better writing and additional context

[Osaid]

It's unclear to me where your anger and hate comes from exactly, but it seems that you believe there might be some truth or utility to the bible and religion, but at the same time you're angry about how much pain it has caused you? Is that where the resistance is?

Or maybe you're frustrated with how difficult it is to find God and do what is "right"?

[Michael Jackson]

God is an image in your mind

[meninojiraya]

22 minutes ago, Osaid said:

It's unclear to me where your anger and hate comes from exactly, but it seems that you believe there might be some truth or utility to the bible and religion, but at the same time you're angry about how much pain it has caused you? Is that where the resistance is?

Or maybe you're frustrated with how difficult it is to find God and do what is "right"?

Yest, I think its the last one. I don't like the guilt that believing in god puts on me, and the whole concept of a omniscient god just makes me really angry, I despise the idea of a "higher primate" on the sky judging everything and everyone.

The God, evil, jesus and all this crap, it just messes up my mind and does not allow me to be really present and life. Just makes me nihilistic towards everything.

At the same time, there seems to be a connection between me and this beliefs that I can't get rid of.

[meninojiraya]

7 minutes ago, Michael Jackson said:

God is an image in your mind

Makes sense, how to I get rid or integrate it? Or at least stop suffering about it and be present in life again, trusting life... I sometimes get this feeling but I return to the God in the sky who murdered Jesus to save us and we are guilty and evil kind of trip. It seems dumb when I type it but it generates so much pain inside me that I am clueless on what to do

[Michael Jackson]

7 minutes ago, meninojiraya said:

Makes sense

Saying it "makes sense" is different from seing it for the actual fact it is. Do you SEE the image? Do you realize that it is just an image, like imagining a flying cat for example?

[meninojiraya]

1 hour ago, Michael Jackson said:

Saying it "makes sense" is different from seing it for the actual fact it is. Do you SEE the image? Do you realize that it is just an image, like imagining a flying cat for example?

Yes I do see it. I will have to sleep on that. Appreciate the interaction

[Basman]

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I imagine you are feeling rather confused.

If you are genuinely distressed mentally, I think it's the wise choise to seek some professional help, whatever is available. Talking to someone can help reduce the distress. 

This is conjecture: Infering from your text, it sounds like you where raised religious. Most people share the religion of their parents. Because of what seems to be abandonment issues around your dad, your spiritual "father" becomes sort of symbolic of all your upsets and misplaced childhood needs.

Children are naturally self-centered in a literal sense. They tend to believe that when bad things happen to them, that its their fault. They have an under developed sense of cause-and-effect. Because your father was absent, perhaps you feel it is somehow your fault and that there is something wrong with you. That you are inherently unlovable. In the context of being brought up Christian and believing in god, your abandonement issues could color how you see god. Children with abandonement issues tend to have problems with authority figures as they lack the basic security they need to form a trusting relationship.

I can't know you, so please take whatever I say with a grain of salt and make your own conclusions.

With that said, I highly recommend you find someone to speak to if you experience emotional distress to the point where you act drastically in a destructive way.

[PeaceOut96]

@meninojiraya 

You probably have some deep trauma that you need to work on. You describing the devil hidden in the light is just your fear of infinite love. Fear is an illussion, there is nothing to fear or worry about. The Love and Peace you want is inside you. You need to open your mind and heart to that possible that all that "horrible" stuff that has happened to you are nothing but a total illussion. If you seek from your heart and you're being totally honest with yourself every moment as much as possible, than you can get to begin the journey towards total healing. But remember its not in your hands, so just flow as much as possible with life. Use your inner intelligence, heart and open your mind for possiblities. 

[Breakingthewall]

Hate and anger are your reaction to things not being exactly the way you want them to be. but you cannot decide to accept things as they are and live in harmony, it is impossible. what has to happen is that "you" disappear. then things are revealed as perfect. If you have a pesky ego, that's an incentive to dissolve yourself, but it's not an easy job, not at all.

[Jodistrict]

I understand totally your reactions.   Christianity is a toxic dogma.  Give yourself credit for getting in touch with your feelings and recognizing that you have been violated.  Now, you have to deal with the anger and get to the feeling underneath, like hurt, sense of betrayal, violation of boundries, and so forth.  The anger will still bind you to the toxic dogma.  Freedom comes when your feelings to the dogma become neutral.

For a spiritual path, there are options that don't require toxic made-up beliefs.

Here is one helpful channel that has helpful advice with a Taoist orientation, and has a path for healing.

https://www.youtube.com/@WuWeiWisdom
 

[Rahra]

God is too Great and Conscious and Understanding to care.

If God was hateful or psychopathic as you say you feel, woundn’t He have punished you for your blasphemy already?

God loves you.

Pray that His Glorious Presence destroys you.

[meninojiraya]

22 hours ago, Basman said:

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I imagine you are feeling rather confused.

If you are genuinely distressed mentally, I think it's the wise choise to seek some professional help, whatever is available. Talking to someone can help reduce the distress. 

This is conjecture: Infering from your text, it sounds like you where raised religious. Most people share the religion of their parents. Because of what seems to be abandonment issues around your dad, your spiritual "father" becomes sort of symbolic of all your upsets and misplaced childhood needs.

Children are naturally self-centered in a literal sense. They tend to believe that when bad things happen to them, that its their fault. They have an under developed sense of cause-and-effect. Because your father was absent, perhaps you feel it is somehow your fault and that there is something wrong with you. That you are inherently unlovable. In the context of being brought up Christian and believing in god, your abandonement issues could color how you see god. Children with abandonement issues tend to have problems with authority figures as they lack the basic security they need to form a trusting relationship.

I can't know you, so please take whatever I say with a grain of salt and make your own conclusions.

With that said, I highly recommend you find someone to speak to if you experience emotional distress to the point where you act drastically in a destructive way.

Thank you for the kind hearted response. I`m already doing therapy but we didn`t went deep on this topic yet.

I really think there is something to do with my childhood and the void I feel for never having had a father, I appreciate your insights

Cheers, friend

[meninojiraya]

19 hours ago, PeaceOut96 said:

@meninojiraya 

 Use your inner intelligence, heart and open your mind for possiblities. 

Thank you

[meninojiraya]

6 hours ago, Jodistrict said:

I understand totally your reactions.   Christianity is a toxic dogma.  Give yourself credit for getting in touch with your feelings and recognizing that you have been violated.  Now, you have to deal with the anger and get to the feeling underneath, like hurt, sense of betrayal, violation of boundries, and so forth.  The anger will still bind you to the toxic dogma.  Freedom comes when your feelings to the dogma become neutral.

For a spiritual path, there are options that don't require toxic made-up beliefs.

Here is one helpful channel that has helpful advice with a Taoist orientation, and has a path for healing.

https://www.youtube.com/@WuWeiWisdom
 

Thank you for the words. That`s really helpful, I am going to look into it. 

[at_anchor]

On 2/2/2023 at 10:34 PM, Michael Jackson said:

God is an image in your mind

Even in Islam? Cause as far as I know, they don't have any imgase of God.

[Aaron p]

Yeah watch out, Christianity is a warping trap dressed with cloaks of kindness and softness.

There is truth to it, but your mind will get warped by all the indirect unecessary symbolism. A good rule of thumb is this: no matter what direction your going, always be careful not to overstretch the mind. Stretch, yes... overstretch, no...

 

Like any Extremely powerful thing, Leo's catalog of teachings can also be dangerous if you don't apply it in the right way. I think sometimes people don't understand that the teachings here are military grade, life and death. It's pretty serious stuff...

Edited February 5, 2023 by Aaron p

[StarStruck]

You turn your back against the sun and then you complain about the shadow. 

Honor thy cosmic father and comics mother to fall back into their grace.

 

[Hojo]

@meninojiraya change the image of god to an image of yourself and love yourself instead and you will be loving god as well. Picture yourself doing great things and becoming a great person. You are that great person right now just a few miles back

Edited February 5, 2023 by Hojo