Law of state transference and social anxiety

[Farnaby]

I was watching one of your videos in which you talk about the law of state transference @Leo Gura and this is something I have been aware of my whole life but I wasn't sure if I was projecting and misinterpreting that emotional "contagion". It's actually a fascinating thing IMO. 

The problem for us folks who struggle with social anxiety is that knowing that my anxiety and feelings of unease in my own body transfer to other people is yet another source of anxiety lol. 

I guess the key is to stop ruminating about this and just practice a lot and work on getting into a good relaxed mood but sometimes I can't help thinking: "don't be anxious, you're gonna make other people uncomfortable", which, as you can imagine, just creates more anxiety. 

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

[flowboy]

I dealt with a lot of that, to the point where I can have a "bad trip" in my mind, sober, with an unsuspecting girl on the couch, lol.

Self-amusement is really helpful.

I think practicing and commanding oneself to "relax" is difficult and often has the opposite effect.

It's much easier to find something funny.

[Farnaby]

Dude, I have experienced the same thing so often. I have to remind myself not to get stuck in my thoughts and come back to the present moment. 

I agree that trying to "calm down" usually backfires. Same as focusing on breathing. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I start obsessing over how I'm not breathing correctly lol

 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

A woman will smell any ounce of fear in you and run away. All fear is easily seen in your eyes and will transfer onto her.

You don't solve this issue by thinking your way out of it. You solve it by facing your fear until it kills you. Throw yourself into difficult social situations until you become completelt desensitized to it and are able to fully relax and enjoy yourself without giving a fuck about anyone.

You can def solve this, but it will be emotionally brutal. You must throw yourself into the challenge and be persistent as a motherfucker. Trust the process. Only worry about taking action. Never doubt the process. Eventually you will be so comfortable in social spaces people will think you are supernatural.

Don't worry about faking your calm. Be anxious. It's natural in the beginning. That will go away as you gain experience.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Farnaby]

Just now, Leo Gura said:

A woman will smell any ounce of fear in you and run away.

Maybe, although I have gotten laid being extremely nervous so that's not really true in my experience. But it definitely makes things flow less smoothly.

So how can you have this awareness (of the law of state transference) and not let it make you more anxious? 

[BuddhistLover]

44 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

A woman will smell any ounce of fear in you and run away. All fear is easily seen in your eyes and will transfer onto her.

You don't solve this issue by thinking your way out of it. You solve it by facing your fear until it kills you. Throw yourself into difficult social situations until you become completelt desensitized to it and are able to fully relax and enjoy yourself without giving a fuck about anyone.

You can def solve this, but it will be emotionally brutal. You must throw yourself into the challenge and be persistent as a motherfucker. Trust the process. Only worry about taking action. Never doubt the process. Eventually you will be so comfortable in social spaces people will think you are supernatural.

Don't worry about faking your calm. Be anxious. It's natural in the beginning. That will go away as you gain experience.

@Leo Gura If a woman is going to be running away from me if she feels fear from me. I don't want to be around her anyways. I don't want a soft girl, I want a hard girl. For me those mousey mousey soft girls are too be avoided. I want a hard girl not a soft girl, someone who has real nerve.

[Chives99]

Smile and look confident, its an amazing feeling when u smile at a girl and she smiles back from across the room then you realise u both are attracted to each other , then you realise you are full on mutually staring at each other, then whatever comes out of your mouth doesnt really matter well within reason, if its someone you know you can relate it to something youve talked about in the past women love it when u pay attention, like i might repeat a common phraise they said like the german girl at uni I said Hallo in a german accent, which shows u pay attention if its someone you dont know just break the ice , make jokes, flirt, be playful funny. If u r needy u have nothing to give, but if u are full u only have to give, ur relationship with the girl is just an addition to ur abundance of love

Edited February 7, 2023 by Chives99

[Leo Gura]

19 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

So how can you have this awareness (of the law of state transference) and not let it make you more anxious? 

Just stop thinking and take action.

ACTION!!!!

All your thinking is destroying your natural game.

5 minutes ago, BuddhistLover said:

@Leo Gura If a woman is going to be running away from me if she feels fear from me. I don't want to be around her anyways. I don't want a soft girl, I want a hard girl. For me those mousey mousey soft girls are too be avoided. I want a hard girl not a soft girl, someone who has real nerve.

That's some serious cope.

You shouldn't want your woman to respect if you if you are so fearful.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Chives99]

17 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Maybe, although I have gotten laid being extremely nervous so that's not really true in my experience. But it definitely makes things flow less smoothly.

So how can you have this awareness (of the law of state transference) and not let it make you more anxious? 

if u dont maintain strong eye contact with her, she'll feel uncomfortable because u want her to be the masculine leader, Ive seen this happen right in front of my face she looked at me all sweet , then i looked like shit i dont know what to do, then she look at my confident mate then he kissed her and she just started necking him when she hadnt said one word to the guy

[Farnaby]

23 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Just stop thinking and take action.

ACTION!!!!

All your thinking is destroying your natural game.

Yes you're right. When I don't overthink things I can be quite charismatic naturally and the more I practice the better it gets. 

23 hours ago, Chives99 said:

if u dont maintain strong eye contact with her

I agree, but it has to be calibrated or you may end up looking like a psychopath lol Strong but playful eye contact works best IMO

[eTorro]

On 08/02/2023 at 0:02 AM, Leo Gura said:

Don't worry about faking your calm. Be anxious. It's natural in the beginning. That will go away as you gain experience.

Most people aren't socially anxious, @Leo Gura. They talk without worrying about what they'll say next.

I was toxically shamed in early childhood, abused, beaten, abandoned physically and emotionaly, and left alone as a kid. My father was an alcoholic, and he never had a job. My mother was cleaning bathrooms so I could survive. My mother never interacted with us because she was depressed and emotionally distant; she was very narcissitic. But I don't blame my parents because I'm not a victim --- I'm only talking about my family background to ofer context and understanding.

Tragically, that sense of shame was constantly lurking in the back of my mind. I was unconscious of it, but toxic shame was active continuousy (non-stop, every day, hour, minute, and second) --- it operated through me without pause. I was the toxic shame itself. When I wanted to smile, that shame got triggered instantly, never allowing me to smile properly. People who aren't toxically shamed have no idea how painful that feeling is, and they don't know that it's always there, even when you're not with people. When I was in public, I was painfully self-conscious. When I had to go to work, I was anxious before getting there --- my heart was beating fast. When I talked to people, I was saying words or opinions about what they said --- I just couldn't interact with them authentically; I was forcing myself to come up with something about what they said. My toxic shame was noticed by people, and they rejected me because I was making them uncomfortable.

I was awkward --- it was so intense that it repelled people. They had no idea what the heck was wrong with me. So they despised me. Sometimes I wonder why I wasn't fired by my boss. Maybe he knew I was struggling, because he's way more conscious than most people, so he understood that I wasn't like that on purpose, and that I was struggling with a severe mental illness.

I also had ADHD, if that exists. I had brain for and I could't articulate my thoughts. I could barely get out of bed in the morning, because I wasnb't able to sleep more than four or five hours a night, but that wasn't deep sleep; it was a light sleep that didn't much for me. I was sucidal! 

The suffring was so deep that I wanted to die.

How am I going to compete with those who grow up in better families? Are they luckier than me? Because people see you as a victim, but they have no idea how painful your life was. Because someone that doesn't have enough pain can't possibly understand what you've been through.

But I managed to pursue spirituality and raise myself from death. I was running after enlightenment because Leo inspired me to get enlightened.

That toxic sense of shame is so much less intense but it's still there, miniscule, almost unnoticable --- somethimes it's so less intense that I believe it's gone. It will be gone at some point, but the ego is so tricky that when it's almost gone, it makes you think you've transcended it. The final stage is so tricky; the ego is almost unoticable, and you fool yourself into thinking that you've overcome it.

Has anyone gone through enormous suffering?

Edited June 21 by eTorro

[universe]

@eTorro Your emotions are the key here.

There is a shy and anxious eTorro but you see that there is also a courageous and peaceful eTorro.

You just work on yourself - peel layer for layer - until the shy and anxious eTorro is present maybe just 1-2% of the time while the other eTorro takes over.

Seems like you are on the right track.

[Rafael Thundercat]

On 02/02/2023 at 3:15 PM, Farnaby said:

"don't be anxious, you're gonna make other people uncomfortable"

What if you are actually catching the Anxiety of others ?? Never head of Co-Regulation?? People that live together co-regulate.. For example.. A child since is super sensitive and connected with her body more than her mind she or he will co-regulate with the parents.. and thats why parents are advised to do Nervous System Regulation work so the kid will feel more calm. Well, the kid will still have her emotions but is the truth that she will catch the Vibe of her parents.

So, if you are a sensible person and mainly if you are doing the work in yourself and cleaning your psycologic junk you will feel more of the environment. 

I learn this because I do or used to do a lot of Psycadelic in group setting and I did testing A and B to check that when I was in the Cerimonal circle I was in the brick of purging and suddenly after going out of the Room my Nervous System came back to normal and I even use Tuners to help it to get back to my own frequency again. 

So, sometimes we need to stop pathologizing ourselfs thinking is all our falt.. Yes sometimes is my falt, because I ate something that make my system stressed or other reasons. But sometimes some people arrive full of Anxiety at home and I catch the Vibe.. 

So be aware of the people around you..

 

Edited June 21 by Rafael Thundercat

[Rafael Thundercat]

https://www.instagram.com/p/C8aM_oOPv2x/?igsh=MW5kam0xMHE2bXJrNw==

[Emotionalmosquito]

On 2/7/2023 at 4:53 PM, Leo Gura said:

All your thinking is destroying your natural game.

On 2/7/2023 at 4:50 PM, BuddhistLover said:

But Leo, if I don’t think, I’ll end up saying something distasteful and dark and that’ll scare her off just as much as nervousness will. That being said, sometimes I intentionally say bad stuff just to get a rise out of her because having a girl pissed off and disgusted with you is much more of a W than her thinking ur a pussy. Because then you don’t have to feel the self betrayal of not being yourself since at least you stayed true to your authenticity 

On 2/7/2023 at 7:57 AM, flowboy said:

Self-amusement is really helpful.

 

On 2/7/2023 at 7:57 AM, flowboy said:

It's much easier to find something funny.

What if what you find amusing makes girls feel icky? It’s weird how they’ll have no problem LOLing at twisted humor on shows like South Park and family guy then they’ll run away when a guy talks about the same stuff in person.

I also don’t think state transference is as powerful as people say. Sure it works sometimes but it’s incredibly unreliable. Your choice of words and the remarks you make are just as important and sometimes more. Otherwise this wouldn’t happen all the damn time

                               ⬇️⬇️

 

Edited July 3 by Emotionalmosquito

[Emotionalmosquito]

3 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

 

Girls have this reaction all the time.

What if the guy here was having a great time and feeling secure in his skin when he said whatever the thing out of left field was?