Nothing matters

[Kimka]

9 hours ago, Osaid said:

You said yourself you're an introverted people-pleaser, so I can understand how hard it can be to sever a relationship. But, you have to learn to stand up for yourself and do it. Do it out of love and respect for your own self. Stop neglecting your own desires and beliefs for other people. Learn to say no. It's not loving to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. And, it's not necessarily not loving to stay out of a dysfunctional relationship. Maybe you leaving him will make him realize he needs to change how he is. It's not so linear.

Are you gonna start inviting every single homeless person you see on the street into your house just to prove you have love for them? Where is the line? There has to be a line.

Yes. Boundaries are so important, especially stuff like this because it gets you it to trouble when you don’t have any. Me starting to get aware of these things helps me bring them up to the surface. When I met him a couple of years ago I was blind to all of this. So I see it as a good sign. Trying to be able to self reflect and not get defensive

[flowboy]

21 hours ago, Kimka said:

Why the fuck can’t I just leave????

I’m in a victim mindset I believe.

Yes you can leave, it's very simple.

Block him on all social media, get a train/plane ticket and go.

Then get a new phone number and throw your old sim card away.

If you don't do it now, you probably won't live till 30.

Is that what your parents and family wanted for you?

Is it what you want for you?

[flowboy]

@Kimka I'm not going to indulge your feelings about how hard this is and how you're such a pleaser etc.

This is a matter of life and death, and if you don't rise above your tendencies and make an adult decision here, well, we've all seen Requiem for a Dream and Trainspotting. At first you say you'd never shoot up, then at some point you give in. Same boring story everywhere.

Here's an exercise that helped me once, and that can help you strengthen your resolve:

Imagine you died today.

Write your eulogy.

Start with: "Today we're saying goodbye to {your name}"

Then add all the things your friends and family would say while speaking at your funeral.

And what your life would have looked like if it ended now.

Because that's basically the fork in the road that you're in.

Ok let me know when you've done that and how it felt.

[flowboy]

20 hours ago, Kimka said:

My biggest wish would be for him to see his toxic behavior.

 

20 hours ago, Kimka said:

The sad thing is that he’s too caught up in all these conspiracy theories when we trip.

The definition of codependency is an unrealistic hope that people will change.

 

What's the root of codependency?

Almost always the relationship with one or both of the parents.

If your dad (or mom) was never attentive or loving enough in some way, or emotionally manipulative, always putting you down, or always needed you instead of being there for you in the way that you really needed, you have two choices: accept that he will never love you and be there for you in the way that you need (hopelessness, unacceptable to a child), or decide to struggle to change your parent into the person you need him to be, who can love you the way you need.

With such a history, people start dating as adults, and then they go looking not for the people they need, but the people who they can struggle to change into the people they need them to be.

And it never works.

See, this is the stupid boring pattern that you're caught in.

It's just imperfect parenting, making you want to seek out this loser and die of an overdose with him, thinking it's romantic.

It's not.

It's boring and hopelessly cliche.

Millions and millions of women have died because of loyalty to a toxic boyfriend, and nobody remembers them or thinks that's cool.

 

Your parents fucked some things up, now you're codependent. Is that worth throwing away your life over?

Because you could also escape this relationship and get therapy and have a great life.

Just don't forget the therapy, because codependency is not a habit that you can simply unlearn.

Edited February 2, 2023 by flowboy

[Tudo]

18 hours ago, flowboy said:

 

The definition of codependency is an unrealistic hope that people will change.

 

What's the root of codependency?

Almost always the relationship with one or both of the parents.

If your dad (or mom) was never attentive or loving enough in some way, or emotionally manipulative, always putting you down, or always needed you instead of being there for you in the way that you really needed, you have two choices: accept that he will never love you and be there for you in the way that you need (hopelessness, unacceptable to a child), or decide to struggle to change your parent into the person you need him to be, who can love you the way you need.

With such a history, people start dating as adults, and then they go looking not for the people they need, but the people who they can struggle to change into the people they need them to be.

And it never works.

See, this is the stupid boring pattern that you're caught in.

It's just imperfect parenting, making you want to seek out this loser and die of an overdose with him, thinking it's romantic.

It's not.

It's boring and hopelessly cliche.

Millions and millions of women have died because of loyalty to a toxic boyfriend, and nobody remembers them or thinks that's cool.

 

Your parents fucked some things up, now you're codependent. Is that worth throwing away your life over?

Because you could also escape this relationship and get therapy and have a great life.

Just don't forget the therapy, because codependency is not a habit that you can simply unlearn.

Very well exposition of how the codependency dynamic works.

[Leo Gura]

On 1/31/2023 at 11:39 PM, Kimka said:

my bf says that he’s awake

He's full of shit.

You don't need to be Awake to know that nothing matters. It's obvious with just a bit of thinking.

Edited February 3, 2023 by Leo Gura

[The Mystical Man]

Actually, everything matters. Everything is of infinite value. 

[tuku747]

13 minutes ago, The Mystical Man said:

Actually, everything matters. Everything is of infinite value. 

^ This

[WelcometoReality]

1 hour ago, The Mystical Man said:

Actually, everything matters. Everything is of infinite value. 

Isn't that the same thing as nothing matters and having no value though? ?

[The Mystical Man]

6 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

Isn't that the same thing as nothing matters and having no value though? ?

From a certain point of view, nothing matters. It's paradoxical.

[StarStruck]

6 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

Isn't that the same thing as nothing matters and having no value though? ?

If you value everything you value nothing and if you value nothing you will value everything. 

Value is relative and compared to something else. 

[ZGROPIUS]

11 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

If you value everything you value nothing and if you value nothing you will value everything. 

Value is relative and compared to something else. 

Ooooo0h，I feel now. Depressed nihilism is actually valuing something ideal in their mind, unconsciously. And rejects all the reality that seems can not fulfill them/ didn't give them enough love.

[puporing]

I don't know if internet is the best place for this. Maybe talk to a therapist, or some alone time, not to get advice, but to have a safe neutral ish space to sort out your own true feelings, even if it's conflicting. Because at the end of the day, we don't know you, or the guy, and people project things that may or may not be true.. all the best.

 

 

[StarStruck]

5 minutes ago, ZGROPIUS said:

Ooooo0h，I feel now. Depressed nihilism is actually valuing something ideal in their mind, unconsciously. And rejects all the reality that seems can not fulfill them/ didn't give them enough love.

Nihilism = 0 = nothing = everything = infinity 

It has no attributes and all attributes. 

 

[ZGROPIUS]

@puporing Hi Lady, through reading your posts, you gave me a steady, clean, neutral and caring feeling. I feel you are a reliable people. I like you????|●´∀`|σ♥️????✨

@StarStruck Thank you sir_(:з」∠)_????✨

[puporing]

@ZGROPIUS dawww thank you so much! You sound very lovely as well.  Fyi I love those kinds of emojis, very expressive. 

[Kimka]

22 hours ago, flowboy said:

Yes you can leave, it's very simple.

Block him on all social media, get a train/plane ticket and go.

Then get a new phone number and throw your old sim card away.

If you don't do it now, you probably won't live till 30.

Is that what your parents and family wanted for you?

Is it what you want for you?

I’ve thought about this. i have my car so I’m just gonna pack some things and leave maybe when he’s at work. I guess there’s no point to break up with him in person?

im actually turning 30 next year?

no, I want to have a family on my own but now with this guy under these conditions. 

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, Kimka said:

I’ve thought about this. i have my car so I’m just gonna pack some things and leave maybe when he’s at work. I guess there’s no point to break up with him in person?

im actually turning 30 next year?

no, I want to have a family on my own but now with this guy under these conditions. 

When people are that toxic and you're that vulnerable to their manipulation/charm, then it's better to just escape with no contact.

Each time you let him call you or see you, you risk being convinced, charmed or threatened back into the life that will lead you to an untimely drug overdose and a stillborn baby.

Yes, just go, and you better have changed your number and found a good therapist by the time you're 30

I'm rooting for you.

 

Gameplan

Go in the morning so you can get a head start.

Drive 4-6 hours to another city on the way, before he finds out.

In that city you copy the phone numbers of your most important friends and family to your phone memory, delete his number, throw the old sim card in the trash and buy a new temporary one.

Also block/delete him on all social media, and delete the social media apps from your phone temporarily.

Then just keep driving until you reach your destination.

There's always a moment of cold feet, regret, and we want to prevent him being able to talk to you.

Leave a note if you want, to make it feel like closure. Accept that you're never coming back.

But hide the note so that it will take him a day to find.

Prevent all contact from the moment you start driving.

 

 

Also: realise your part in all this. You're still going to be very vulnerable and attracted to other toxic guys for a while after.

So don't make the common mistake of landing in someone else's arms.

They are also not going to be healthy, even if you think so.

Just get some healthy friends, a place to stay, and a good therapist.

Edited February 3, 2023 by flowboy

[WelcometoReality]

2 hours ago, The Mystical Man said:

From a certain point of view, nothing matters. It's paradoxical.

Yeah, if every thing has infinite value it means that nothing has more value than anything else which is the same as saying that nothing matters.

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

If you value everything you value nothing and if you value nothing you will value everything. 

Value is relative and compared to something else. 

Exactly! ?

[Breakingthewall]

17 minutes ago, flowboy said:

When people are that toxic and you're that vulnerable to their manipulation/charm, then it's better to just escape with no contact.

Each time you let him call you or see you, you risk being convinced, charmed or threatened back into the life that will lead you to an untimely drug overdose and a stillborn baby.

Yes, just go, and you better have changed your number and found a good therapist by the time you're 30

I'm rooting for you.

 

Gameplan

Go in the morning so you can get a head start.

Drive 4-6 hours to another city on the way, before he finds out.

In that city you copy the phone numbers of your most important friends and family to your phone memory, delete his number, throw the old sim card in the trash and buy a new temporary one.

Also block/delete him on all social media, and delete the social media apps from your phone temporarily.

Then just keep driving until you reach your destination.

There's always a moment of cold feet, regret, and we want to prevent him being able to talk to you.

Leave a note if you want, to make it feel like closure. Accept that you're never coming back.

But hide the note so that it will take him a day to find.

Prevent all contact from the moment you start driving.

 

 

Also: realise your part in all this. You're still going to be very vulnerable and attracted to other toxic guys for a while after.

So don't make the common mistake of landing in someone else's arms.

They are also not going to be healthy, even if you think so.

Just get some healthy friends, a place to stay, and a good therapist.

Maybe It's a good plan but it requires great willpower and self-control. in my case it never worked, the same as with other addictions. What did work is making me aware of myself and the process that led me to fall into certain practices. The last time I was in a sick relationship based on drugs and madness that I couldn't get out of, it happened that one day I couldn't look that person in the face. it made me physically sick. The same thing happened to me with tobacco, with marijuana, with mdma, with cocaine, with bad food, with everything. if it were not so, it would only have replaced one toxin with another. it's enormously difficult to know how to act when you're that way. The only solution for me is go to the cause, not to the effects