When will I be ready to live life?

[MichaelJohn]

I feel that I have never lived a day in my life...

There is this nagging feeling inside that says, "You have been living the past 23 years as part of the audience for the play that is life, never an actor."

Here are a list of things that have been in and or a part of my:

• Practicing Meditation, contemplation, and self inquiry for years
• Have had a great family that have supported me with so much love
• Great friends from childhood, college, work, etc.. 
• Finish college with a computer science degree (This was well worth it. Personally, I needed the structure back then. I had struggled with childhood ADHD and being around peers with similar interests helped a ton!)
• Exercising consistently (weight training, running, yoga, etc.)
• Nutrition is where I want it (Leafy greens, tomatoes, carrots, berries, cucumbers, beans, nuts, all seeds, almond milk, salmon, olive oil, peanut butter, etc..)
  • No fast food and or processed sugar. 
• Reading tons of books
• Practicing my speaking
• No debt
• Practicing my writing
• Being obsessed with philosophy and neuroscience as always
• Practicing my programming
• Have had many awakenings that make me love this very moment with all my being
• Have not dated at all since high school but I had tons of great experiences with girls when I was young

and yet, I still feel as if I have been failing to live. There is a part of me that feels like I am faking my entire life. Trust me, I am grateful for this life. Also, I work as a software engineer and enjoy my work. Yet, I feel that I am an imposter.  I also feel that I do not deserve what I have. Each day I wonder when I will be fired for not being good enough and or ousted by loved ones for being a loser. 

I also spend a ton of time by myself. I do not socialize at all. There is a part of me that thinks I will never be able to find a group of people I can fit in with even though I have had amazing times socializing with others. I failed to find anyone to really match with in college. Overall, my alone time has not been negative. It has helped me accept that I am someone who has a hard time fitting in and that is something I need to work on. Yet, this all feels like one big joke. Each day passes and I wonder, "Why code this application? It will just be another thing I fail to finish," or "I'm a selfish fuck. I only live for myself. What do I contribute to others? Nothing."

How do I finally live?

Edited February 1, 2023 by MichaelJohn

[flowboy]

Congratulations on the material successes you've had, such as getting a good degree and a job, and having great friends!

You're actually so lucky.

Because people whose life is in shambles, they blame the "I'm not truly living" and "not good enough" feelings on external circumstances.

Which makes sense, if the external circumstances need improvement.

It's easy to rationalize feelings of selfishness, not being good enough and being a loser that way.

I did that when I didn't have a degree, didn't have friends, didn't make any money.

 

So you're lucky because you have your life together enough, that it becomes obvious that this problem is internal.

The way you feel doesn't match your life, and so, we have to look inwards.

This is my domain of expertise.

My feelings of notgoodenoughness started to shift when I started healing my childhood.

You can do this through self-regression or regression therapy with a professional.

I've experienced both, actively practice it and help others with guided sessions.

Here's some resources:

And you can try this exercise on the "not good enough"ness: https://youtu.be/qjG_4MSZDP0

 

[inFlow]

On 2/1/2023 at 3:28 AM, MichaelJohn said:

and yet, I still feel as if I have been failing to live.

 ADHD right here.

Reading every sentence in your post just reaps with ADHD. I feel compassion for you my friend. I've been stuck, and am stuck to a degree the same as you. Just live life not in a perfect manner. Shit happens. Observe stupid people and how happy they are not thinking about how bad they are. Learn to do mistakes and not judging yourself too much, this will kick start your journey.

As I understand you are successful, have everything you need. But I see that you lack the capability to not think in this "negative" manner. Learn to live and think differently.

[Nilsi]

1 hour ago, inFlow said:

 ADHD right here.

Reading every sentence in your post just reaps with ADHD. I feel compassion for you my friend. I've been stuck, and am stuck to a degree the same as you. Just live life not in a perfect manner. Shit happens. Observe stupid people and how happy they are not thinking about how bad they are. Learn to do mistakes and not judging yourself too much, this will kick start your journey.

As I understand you are successful, have everything you need. But I see that you lack the capability to not think in this "negative" manner. Learn to live and think differently.

No it doesn't lol

Stop projecting your bullshit on him.

@MichaelJohn I'll leave a longer answer later - I've had a lot of the same issues.

[NoSelfSelf]

Because you dont know yourself 

[mmKay]

@flowboy here is a concept for you

@MichaelJohn it feels like you want to feel more authentically and redent living passively, going with the flow of society. You are on the right path but start adjusting your life snd actions with what you've identified you're lacking. 

You also have some of these:

 

But that's okay, you can use these negative thoughts  to pull on the string and contemplate why do you feel/ think that way. This would be an introduction to shadow work and you would start to understand yourself better. 

[mmKay]

@Nilsi

On 3/2/2023 at 1:06 PM, Nilsi said:

 

@MichaelJohn I'll leave a longer answer later - I've had a lot of the same issues.

Hey your homework is due ?

[Nilsi]

1 minute ago, mmKay said:

@Nilsi

Hey your homework is due ?

The guy never showed up again 

[MichaelJohn]

@flowboy Thank you, Flowboy. I will put your video on my list of things to do this week. You are correct to some degree. There are certain childhood situations I like to ignore as they bothered me a good bit. 

 

@inFlow Yes, I still take medication related to it. And yes, I have a hard time not thinking about my own ability in a negative manner. But, with this said, I still do and try hard things. I am not that fearful to push my boundaries. Also, I don't trust Leo's knowledge on the subject. 

 

@Leo Gura I fundamentally think you do not understand that ADHD can be just as systemic as severe depression and or Bipolar Disorder type 2. I have modified my diet to an excruciating level, made sure I am drinking clean water, meditate and practice being mindful everyday, contemplate everyday, have a to do list that I mostly get done, have a healthy clean environment and I still have ADHD like symptoms. 

 

@Nilsi He's not projecting fully, It would seem I do still have symptoms related to the condition. Still, your input would be highly appreciated(; Also, life happens and I totally forget to respond to people in my real life so don't think I am doing this on purpose!

 

@mmKayThank you very much! Imposter syndrome has been a subject I have read about for some time. That second video was much needed!

 

@NoSelfSelfYou're right. It feels that I never can know myself as I constantly change my habits, environment, and interests. Just last year I was drawing every single day as I had a goal to be a portrait artist as a side hobby to my programming career. Now, I have dropped the artistic stuff and picked up Brain computer interfaces as I have dreams to interface with moment to moment consciousness under any kind of state (waking, dream, psychedelic, etc..) 

 

 

 

Edited February 5, 2023 by MichaelJohn

[hyruga]

Read and embody the principles in the power of now by Eckhart Tolle.