Interactive Journaling

[at_anchor]

If anyone's interested you are welcome in reading about my daily bore while on a journey to healing, growth and love, and you are more than welcome in commenting and conseling me on this journey in here if you wish so. 

I'm not sure that I'm 100% serious about this, but I could end up writing a lot here if I open my heart enough.

[at_anchor]

Leaves with him while I sleep and then complains about me at work, how I didn't give any sleep and how he is so nice to give a ride to work, how thoughtful of him. How thoughtful? He was called to do so and gladly did it out of benefit.

[at_anchor]

So not only am I a loser, but a loser that loses more and more rep all the time. How easy it is to take it from a foolish and naive character like me, while probably giving false compliments or something. Behind my back, a gray picture is being formed in the minds of others about me. People will have so many false facts about me in their minds, I'll be ostracised from society completely all the time, and it will be hard to survive then. 

How can parents want their own child to suffer and ultimately fail in life, to commit suicide, to take away everything from it, to basically leave it with nothing, abuse it while making it dependent and then it basically really ends up the way they want it to end up.

I always second guess myself, oh they must love me to finally let me sleep, but then it dawns on me that me falling asleep was beneficial for them to operate further, to harm me more.

Of course I care about not being harmed physically, emotionally and socially. If I allow them to keep harming me, forgiving, why not just commit suicide and give them what they want straight away? Why suffer even more and help them grow at the cost of my life that would be a prolonged misery, because it is like they're eating me alive.

Maybe I am just imagining this, but it could also be said that I am imagining that they are good to me when they are not and that they love me when they don't and that they care about my wellbeing when they do not.

[at_anchor]

What they ultimately want is for me to be ostracized and harmed by other people, cause in this world the only thing that matters is what other people think of you.

They want to separate me from everything in life to a point that I suffer so much that I wish to die. To make it harder. To implicitally harrass me. This is their targeting me so that no one can see, except those who want to join in.

Their words never will get used against them, their actions either. But mine will be used against me, and actions as well. Slowly building up this heavy burden in my life to the point where I'm better off disappearing out of sight, to the point that everything I do they can exploit and yeah. 

[at_anchor]

How nice? Left me a bunch of unhealthy cakes in all shapes and forms without anything else that's healthy. I wish i didn't give up on hazelnuts last night because they were baked probably with oil and contain gluten. 

So what would you choose if you were kind of hungry, hunger or cake after which you have really bad symptoms for days in a body filled with all kinds of unhealthy elements?

They know that it makes you fat and age faster which is why they want me to eat it. And of course, they know you can't get anything without them anymore. That's how dependent they made sure you are on them. That's why you always have to let go and forget the injustices and treat them as if nothing happened, as if they didn't do anything to harm you.

Oh, last night I wish I could remember the words, the long duration and the exact number of decibels used to shock me and harm me emotionally. Yet, I can't remember anything but how it made me feel and even that I discount because what can I do?

[at_anchor]

If I knew earlier that it is so crucial to extracate myself from these people that were the cause of everything bad in my life, I'd ask myself the question earlier: "How do I get out of here?", and then have better answers and opportunities than I do now. But ignorance can't help itself. Once I realized some things, it became too late to do anything about them.

[at_anchor]

Hazelnuts baked not in any oil, but probably hydrogentated soy oil. Why else would it say that it may contain soy if not because they used soy oil?

[at_anchor]

I feel I made a mistake. I'm not ready to write like this. It just brings unwanted attention and prejudice because I didn't write from the start all the time.

Maybe I should just let go and allow it to be howewer it is in your eyes... I wish I could let it be even though it may come with consequences when I give too much info that can be traced back to me and read and interpreted wrongly by  people that are gonna interact with me in real life.

[at_anchor]

Just found something I ca  use in the freezer, but that doesn't mean that everything I judgmentally concluded is wrong.

[at_anchor]

Back home repeatedly calls me "Idiot" in a loud and abusive tone of voice, tells me that I have nothing to do with my grandfather after I said that he gave that room to this person who then gave it to this other person now, cause I was told to get out of the space we should be sharing.

Obviously badmouthed me at work. Tells me that my grandfather would crush me with his legs and teach me order. Who is this person talking about? This person obviously wants to crush me trample me.

The other person today also dared me and did something that I explicitaly said not to do. 

But I guess that it is okay. This too shall pass, however long it ends up lasting. Maybe it will be worse than this, cause life kind of gets worse, but you also kind of slowly get stronher and able to tolerate more and more pain. One day I might end up getting used to extreme forms of pain that might be inflicted on me.

Right now I feel calmer which can be sensed in my writing. I'm looking forward to meditating.

[at_anchor]

Calling me "Idiot" loudly and saying bad things makes it seem like I was provocking, but far from the truth. People around will think I was provoking, others will know I wasn't and won't care, and yet many others will never even find out. So it is true, doesn't love me a single bit. Everything done for me is out of a selfish desire. But it is hard even for me to believe this. It feels a bit painful inside, my mind starts closing and doubting and second guessing and justifying the person being tired. But the person I suspect does not want me any good in life. How do I know when I get fruit sometimes?

[at_anchor]

Tells me that I am the only degenerate in the family, that my grandfather would suffocate me, then repeats that and says that he would suffocate me legally/with court.

[at_anchor]

Starts attacking me at the door and open bathroom so everyone can hear, saying again how this other person goes every day to find work and I neither study nor work, but just sit at home and maltreat my grandfathers child.

[at_anchor]

Knows that I type stuff online.

[at_anchor]

Why can't I fight back? Why do I have to allow maltreatment of myself, hard core humiliations and provocations and manipulations?

I guess because I really am a poor and pathetic idiot, a loser.

[effortlesslumen]

On 25.1.2023 at 10:16 PM, at_anchor said:

Why can't I fight back? Why do I have to allow maltreatment of myself, hard core humiliations and provocations and manipulations?

I guess because I really am a poor and pathetic idiot, a loser.

No you are not. You are stronger than most people. Dont give up until you can get away from this people. Leave them in their pity and move on if you can. But take with you what you have learned. Dont induldge in things others project on you. Then you would just repeat their automated gibberish. Dont start limiting yourself aswell.

People who are only able to get through the day by seeing others beneath them are slaves to them self.  Those a the real idiots. If they are so capable why do they constantly need to call others incapable.

First read the Enchiridion from Epictitus but dont mix stoisism with helplessness and unability to change. Apply it were it is reasonable.  https://openlibrary.org/works/OL27292376W/The_Enchiridion 

And Read Cant Hurt me from David Goggins for Insparation but dont start selfdestructing behaviour. 

I wish you well !

Edited February 16, 2023 by effortlesslumen

[at_anchor]

13 hours ago, effortlesslumen said:

Dont induldge in things others project on you. Then you would just repeat their automated gibberish.

I'm not stronger than most people. Sometimes you're just brought down so much that there is nowhere to go but down completely. These people are stronger than me and are gonna get what they want, so there is no point in procrastinating it. Injustice and tragedy are a part of this universe, so I can't really move on. Self-destruction is a trap I'm lead into and treated like a fucking animal by those psychopaths I can't take it anymore. Lost hope and strength. Lost ways to explain myself and they end up getting people, offices, resources which they even got before. There's just no way out of here. It is like a part of Dune when that fat monster attacks the helpless colony in the night.