The Fence Sitter

[Evilwave Heddy]

Just wondering what your opinions are of people who sit on the fence during an argument or something else.

I find myself doing this a lot not because I'm afraid to express my opinion on the topic at hand, but because I can see valid points on both sides.  I get called out on this a lot by my friends and I try explain my reason for "sitting on the fence" but they can't seem to understand it.  They hate it when I don't pick a side..and hate it when I correct one of their points in the argument.  

No matter what I do, I just get hate from both sides.  Not sure what to do in these situations.

 

Edited March 5, 2017 by Evilwave Heddy

[Nahm]

@Evilwave Heddy Go ahead and use this opportunity to comment or que up a 'point'. You have to let the fear go. This site is good for that as it is anonymous Humility is beneficial, but discussing, even debating, is also beneficial. I find there are times when I think I understand something and a good debate will help me see what I might not have learned yet, then I learn more. It's a great gap filling excercise. Yes, sometimes I end up looking / feeling like an ass, but I walk away from it with more clarity on my ego, a little more info on communication skills, and some more knowledge on a subject. The thing about fear is, "It's an illusion!"

[Arman]

When you examine most arguments (and actually most discussions) from a less emotionally biased perspective, you'll discover that much of our talk is completely frivolous, at least in regards to the things we think conversations are useful for. People think it is about right and wrong, about knowledge, about objectivity; for the most part that's all horseshit and we're mostly just monkeys trying to arm-wrestle each other, but we've discovered so many subtle ways to do it. (edit: like this post for example is me secretly trying to feel good about myself by trying to be 'right' about something) 

I don't think 'not taking a side' in an argument is a bad thing unless you're doing it from a place of fear or in-authenticity. Sometimes taking a strong stance is only you giving into your ego because you hope to have something to gain, and then lie to yourself in saying that it's the 'right' thing to do. So much discussion, debate, arguments, and entire social movements are built upon the grounds that it is 'right' and that if it is the truth, humanity must hear it, for the betterment of all! If you ask me, people are just jerking themselves off. Right and wrong become catch phrases used as excuses to be angry, fearful, or to put down others to make ourselves feel safe. This behavior is born out of dysfunction and only serves to create more social dysfunction.

The more you become less invested in approval seeking and needing people to see you in a certain way, the more these responses will become your best friends:

"Yeah, maybe."

"Haven't thought about it that way."

"That's interesting."

"I don't know."

And if anyone faults you for not obliging by social convention and picking red or blue, use it as an opportunity to be strong in yourself. The reason they're upset and trying to trigger you into taking a stance is because if you're not playing the game, they can't get their fix and dopamine kick by having someone to agree or disagree with. 

Edited March 5, 2017 by Arman

[SchallUndRauch]

Peer pressure is fun stuff. Trying to pull in others and making every debate a two sided contest everyone involved has to identify with is something very egoic. I'm right, you're wrong. So of course people get mad, if you don't participate in their stupid games. Standing above it isn't something negative to me. That's not to say you shouldn't let others challenge your opinions, but it should be stuff you're informed about and that actually involves you. It's a matter of picking your battles.

If I get forced to take a position about stuff I don't have a sufficient picture of, I usually just turn the thing around. If being empathetic and understanding to everyone isn't enough, you have to split. Go third party. Tell all of them they are retarded for not being able to compromise and give em the ol' middle finger. No need to escalate, but just a polite "fuck off" is often very effective.

[Nahm]

Cop outs. Get in the game if you ever want to transcend yourself. Don't be retarded by the fragility of your ego. Getting through your fear of vulnerability in expressing your current understandings is not at all the same place as attaching to being right or wrong. Huge difference. It's about letting go.

[Evilwave Heddy]

@Nahm It's not the fear of looking like an ass if I'm in the wrong though.  It's just that I don't want to contribute to an argument when I don't know both sides of the argument.  Yes, getting involved can help me understand both sides..but so can sitting on the sideline.  I think sitting on the sidelines is actually more beneficial because If i was on a certain side (of the argument) I'd feel I'd need to defend myself even if the other side comes up with a very good point.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Evilwave Heddy

[Loreena]

@Evilwave Heddy You're just playing the devil's advocate. Nothing wrong with that. That way you understand both sides of the argument really well. But if you were the one arguing with someone you'd expect the same, that your friend should pick a side, most probably yours. No big deal. Everyone needs a dopamine kick now and then. Just enjoy the show.