Some Weird Realization. I'm very confused. Doesn't make sense.

[UpperMaster]

I just had a realization, but it doesn't make sense. 

I feel as though deep down inside I have resistance against being successful. It is as though the reason why I’m not successful is because I kinda enjoy being not successful.

I just began learning to code and this is not the first time I planned to do it, I said to my self that this time I am going to learn how to code, then I somewhat for some reason caught myself feeling comforted to the idea of possibly failing. It’s as if I like being the guy that keeps trying then failing, it is as if I’m tricking myself. I suddenly felt as if I would be out of place if I didn't fail. 

It is as if I secretly want to fail.

Super weird, really strange. But very clear. Suuper weird, I'm very weirded out. It just happened. What does this mean? 

Edited January 21, 2023 by UpperMaster

[Thought Art]

You will tend to want to fall back to what you are used to. It’s a pretty common feeling. Try doing daily visualization of you successfully doing this. It will feel weird but sit and just visualize for 5 minutes a day you learning to code. 
 

Also try this short 30 minute exercise:

Write out all the part of the failure mind set 

then, write out all the parts of the mindset you know will let you succeed. 
 

The ego gets pleasure holding onto being a failure. You are getting something by failing which is the pleasure of “ I could have it is I tried because maybe you fear the responsibility. It’s easier to imagine how smart we are, then to face daily just how much work is ahead of us. Do not quit. Consider getting a life coach. 

[LastThursday]

@UpperMaster this is a great insight to have about yourself. The sensation you're feeling is that of "levelling up", it can feel weird and confusing for a while.

Success can be scary. It requires commitment, responsibility and it may require you to keep fighting to stay successful, it takes work. Success can also be an anti-climax, the journey can be more exciting than the result: some people fear that.

But not achieving success or even trying can also be suffering in itself. When the vision you have of being a successful self doesn't match the reality, it can drain your emotions and chip away at your self-esteem. You may get a short term hit of pleasure by being defiant and talking yourself out of success, but there is a longer term price to pay.

Edited January 21, 2023 by LastThursday

[UpperMaster]

23 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

You will tend to want to fall back to what you are used to. It’s a pretty common feeling. Try doing daily visualization of you successfully doing this. It will feel weird but sit and just visualize for 5 minutes a day you learning to code. 
 

Also try this short 30 minute exercise:

Write out all the part of the failure mind set 

then, write out all the parts of the mindset you know will let you succeed.

Thanks. 

23 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

The ego gets pleasure holding onto being a failure. You are getting something by failing which is the pleasure of “ I could have it is I tried because maybe you fear the responsibility. It’s easier to imagine how smart we are, then to face daily just how much work is ahead of us. Do not quit. Consider getting a life coach. 

Yes, I feel as if I do like to hold on to failure. I just realised I might be somewhat afraid of success. I realise how I am kind of my own enemy. This is soo weird to me, I'm amazed. When I was younger I think I developed this sort of mindset, now I almost feel like I want to try and not succeed. I think I feel comfort about crying about it later. It amazes me still. 

[UpperMaster]

11 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

You may get a short term hit of pleasure by being defiant and talking yourself out of success, but there is a longer term price to pay.

yea your right. I want to fix this issue as soon as possible.