Heartbreak and hope of getting back together

[Cocolove]

After a 3 year relationship with so many great things I don't know how I can avoid not constantly hoping things will work out between us once we have both grown and changed and worked on our issues. 

Here you are so adamant that once you break up with someone you should never get back together, which in principle can't always be true I don't understand.

Why can't two people grow on their own and if they genuinely fix the problems they had, get back together. Why must you start all over with someone new if you couldn't make it work at one point. 

 

 

[Cocolove]

Yea this is such a big dilemma for me i just really realy]ly hope it works out with this specific person after we take time to work on being more independent. and if you're right that there is no reason that makes sense I need to understand because thats my whole mindset right now is that im doing this for myself but also hopefully or us. If I actually need to fully let go of that possibility that's going to be a whole another thing mentally.

We lived together for years and our problems aren't that bad they are things that we can totally overcome if we are more independent first.

[Cocolove]

Bumping this.

I know noone is special but it feels like that. After you've lived together for years isn't there hope for fixing things and being better than starting over with someone new. We really have unique circumstances where we recognize if we both learn to be okay on our own we can maybe get back together in a month or two.

[meta_male]

@Cocolove Hey dude, I'm sorry about your break up. It sucks.

On 21.1.2023 at 7:13 PM, Cocolove said:

Why can't two people grow on their own and if they genuinely fix the problems they had, get back together.

You can't grow on your own while still hoping to get back together in the future. If you really want to reach your full potential you need to get rid of Oneitis as this keeps you from developing yourself freely. Getting back together with an ex is never a good idea...there's a reason you two broke up instead of working out a way to grow together.

13 hours ago, Cocolove said:

We really have unique circumstances

Who doesn't?

Edited January 24, 2023 by meta_male

[Cocolove]

But we really are not fully broken up, I plan to fly to her to see her in a month as friends and we will see if we have grown enough to have a healthy relationship.

On 1/24/2023 at 5:15 AM, meta_male said:

.there's a reason you two broke up instead of working out a way to grow together.

But what if what we need to in order to have a healthy relationship is to break up and be apart so we can be okay on our own first, and have an interdependent instead of codependent relationship.

[Cocolove]

On 1/24/2023 at 5:15 AM, meta_male said:

 

You can't grow on your own while still hoping to get back together in the future.

Are you sure? am I not making any progress right now?

I know that whether we get back together or not, I need to feel the pain and work on having positive habits and making myself happy.

For the past 9 days I have been in absolute misery just such horrible heartache and constantly thinking about it and panicking. I've just been breathing through it and feeling the pain and not distracting myself because I know it's what I need to do. Are you saying that if I'm also hoping things work out between us, that I am not healing at all?

Am I just torturing myself and putting myself through a bunch of unnecessary pain for no reason, do you think all this pain is just from me hoping we will get back together. I keep telling myself we might not get back together and I will be okay and I need to shift my mindset to be okay no matter what happens but it just seems there is nothing I can do to stop myself from constantly hoping that we will get back together and have a healthy relationship.

[meta_male]

On 25.1.2023 at 5:46 PM, Cocolove said:

Are you saying that if I'm also hoping things work out between us, that I am not healing at all?

It's going to sting even more if it doesn't work out. This shouldn't hold you back though if the two of you have unconditional love for each other and you're 100% sure you're not co-dependant...

I don't know the details of your situation or whether she feels the same way. Is it going to be what's best for her long term?

 

[Leo Gura]

On 1/21/2023 at 10:13 AM, Cocolove said:

Here you are so adamant that once you break up with someone you should never get back together, which in principle can't always be true I don't understand.

Why can't two people grow on their own and if they genuinely fix the problems they had, get back together. Why must you start all over with someone new if you couldn't make it work at one point. 

Look, dude, it's not some commandment of God. It's just a rule of thumb.

Try it and see what happens. Worse case you'll learn your lesson for doubting me

I've definitely broken my own rules, and I always ended up regretting it. But maybe you are different. Don't let some YT asshole cockblock you.

Edited January 26, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Dazgwny]

Not that I’m wanting you to take this as a cert that it’ll happen but it certainly can. My parents are living proof. Married young and had a couple of kids. Split, divorced, then 4/5 years later got back together, remarried and had another 4 kids. They couldn’t be happier with their relationship and the way they live their lives and family. I’m fully aware this is a rare occurrence but seems I was smack bang in the middle of it being a child of their first marriage I personally witnessed first hand this happen. There is one factor which is that they already had children together which kept them in close contact whilst they were apart. As I say these things are no cert, so don’t rally on this one story to set your hopes too high. Because every situation is uniquely different. But yes, of course it’s possible 

[Cocolove]

On 1/26/2023 at 5:04 PM, meta_male said:

It's going to sting even more if it doesn't work out. This shouldn't hold you back though if the two of you have unconditional love for each other and you're 100% sure you're not co-dependant...

I don't know the details of your situation or whether she feels the same way. Is it going to be what's best for her long term?

 

Yea it did sting more breaking up the second time since it didn't work out lmao.

We are working on being less codependent. Both using this time to be work on okay on our own hoping that once we are more independent we can be interdependent. She says she is just so unhealthy and jealous/paranoid after finding out I slept with other girls while we were apart the first time and she thinks the only way we can have a healthy relationship is if she is okay on her own first.

Yea it would be best long term. She also hopes and wants me to come home to see her in a month but she just thinks we need to be different people for it to work.

 

@Leo Gura Okay yea thank you. I wasn't going to let you cockblock me but I was just curious I've been watching you for 6 years and it's been so transformative so I value your opinion a lot. 

Maybe I do need to learn.

 

 

 

@Dazgwny Thanks. I guess logically there must be plenty of occurances of this.

[Cocolove]

I'm starting to feel a bit better but still quite bad crying every day, dreaming every night that we get back together. 

When I broke up with her the first time I needed space for like two weeks. She does too now. So we haven't talked for a week.

 

I'm just trying to work on myself and my life and feeling like I will be okay either way. Now that I;m making some progress towards that it's clear to me I think I can heal while still hoping things work out.

[Leo Gura]

38 minutes ago, Cocolove said:

so I value your opinion a lot.

You value it too much.

[meta_male]

11 hours ago, Cocolove said:

Yea it did sting more breaking up the second time since it didn't work out lmao.

And you wanna go for thirds?

11 hours ago, Cocolove said:

She also hopes and wants me to come home to see her in a month but she just thinks we need to be different people for it to work.

This one obvisously isn't interested in who you are RIGHT NOW.

[Globalcollective]

@Cocolove How old are you btw, give some more context on the relationship? 

[Cocolove]

23 hours ago, Globalcollective said:

@Cocolove How old are you btw, give some more context on the relationship? 

We are both 21, I'm in my third year of university, her her 4th. Started dating right after high school.

 

On 1/30/2023 at 7:47 AM, meta_male said:

This one obvisously isn't interested in who you are RIGHT NOW.

Because I lied to her when we were broken up about how I had slept with other people because I thought it would just hurt her and I didn't think we would get back together. She thinks we both need to be less codependent but she is still in love with me. 

[Cocolove]

What are people's thoughts on rebounds?

I was very upset and slept with someone a day after when we broke up the first time and i regret it so much, because it hurt her, didn't actually help me move on, was very immature, and I was trying to fill the void instead of dealing with the heartbreak.

So because of that when we got back together, she was always worried and obsessed about that. Now she says she doesn't know if the relationship is ever repairable but she hopes it is.