A Friend Who Seem Be Interested. Next Move!

[egoeimai]

2 hours ago, Shin said:

He made a 34 lines post about it.

 

He is not sure yet

Edit: the fact that you counted the lines shows legitness.?

Edited March 5, 2017 by egoeimai

[egoeimai]

2 hours ago, DawnOfReality said:

I know you ain't. And I am being honest when I say that you are right. But as you might know, knowing that something is right, that doesn't mean it is easy or straight-forward. Here is 2.30 pm already and we live quite far from each other. Tomorrow I've got lectures anyway, will have time to talk to her. But I appreciate the motivation you are giving me. I don't know if it will be tomorrow or next week, but FOR SURE my attitude will be different after having read what you had to say.  

But no really, if y'all think it is simple to "just do it", this forum wouldn't exist. I will take inspiration and try to switch mentality from over-thinking to "just do it" for sure but realistically in a gradual manner. Never been an instinct guy: I always consider PROs and CONs of pretty much everything and look for a way to balance them and I am (unluckily maybe, but still that's how it is... that is the reason why I am looking for advice) doing just the same in this situation.

But If this is just they way you act (over-thinking and measuring pros and cons) whats wrong with this? Let me tell you:nothing! Embrace your way of thinking. It is what it is. One last thing. I believe that everything happens for a reason,so...I believe that If you are not ready,If you hesitate then let it be.!!! Also,I you dont feel like doing it,it will be 'staged' the whole result,you will give a wrong image,and for sure we have to be ourselves in order for sth to succeed.

Edited March 5, 2017 by egoeimai

[DawnOfReality]

14 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

But If this is just they way you act (over-thinking and measuring pros and cons) whats wrong with this? Let me tell you:nothing! Embrace your way of thinking. It is what it is. One last thing. I believe that everything happens for a reason,so...I believe that If you are not ready,If you hesitate then let it be.!!! Also,I you dont feel like doing it,it will be 'staged' the whole result,you will give a wrong image,and for sure we have to be ourselves in order for sth to succeed.

I somewhat agree. But people don't feel like doing many things for multiple reasons. Comfort zone is called. That's why I agree to have a pragmatic action on this, but my mind says "you either ace it or lose it". That's what is holding me back. I feel like I gotta ace it, thus my resistance to the "Just do it" concept. 

I might be wrong that's why I wanted to hear an opinion from you!

I will collect your ideas to create a better one of my own and act upon it.

[egoeimai]

1 minute ago, DawnOfReality said:

I somewhat agree. But people don't feel like doing many things for multiple reasons. Comfort zone is called. That's why I agree to have a pragmatic action on this, but my mind says "you either ace it or lose it". That's what is holding me back. I feel like I gotta ace it, thus my resistance to the "Just do it" concept. 

I might be wrong that's why I wanted to hear an opinion from you!

I will collect your ideas to create a better one of my own and act upon it.

You will find your way sooner or later.

[DawnOfReality]

Thanks buddy. I surely will

[Shin]

SO, DID YOU PUSSY OUT OR WHAT ???!!!

[DawnOfReality]

All good my friend. Imma ask her before the week ends. Their friends already told me she has a crush on me. She is just trying to show the minimum necessary to make me understand and then hides again.

I got this. Thank all guys for the advice. I'll let ya know!

[abgespaced]

You hesitated. You want for her permission. You are overly invested. You are subconsciously waiting for her to make the move. You care what she thinks.

 

It's already over.

 

Ask her quickly so she can LJBF reject you and move on to another girl.

[egoeimai]

In fact, I can't understand why some guys aeen't brave enough to make the 1st move. I totally cant get it,but okay. (Generally speaking)

[Shin]

9 hours ago, DawnOfReality said:

All good my friend. Imma ask her before the week ends. Their friends already told me she has a crush on me. She is just trying to show the minimum necessary to make me understand and then hides again.

I got this. Thank all guys for the advice. I'll let ya know!

No, not "before the week end", today.

Otherwise it'll always be "tomorrow", and at some point an another dude will get her, it's not like she's gonna be into you forever.

[DawnOfReality]

Update:

So, this might switch the topic a lil bit, but that's ok. 

I asked her out although circumstances weren't quite optimal but it felt like the only moment possible. So she agreed to go out, but made it clear that she is not interested in a relationship (and with that I mean she is not interested in me whatsoever). 
So, this leaves me a bit confused: what I wrote in main post is not something that comes just from a personal perspective, I tried to be as objective as possible as I was observing her and it REALLY felt like it could end well. 

Needless to say that her clear response left me upset but also with the idea that going out together with this terms  set would be just awkward and would not help neither me or her. We didn't set anything yet: I just asked her if she would love to go and eat something one of the next days and then we talked of that. So now I find myself in a very uncomfortable position: she didn't reject the idea, but she clearly rejected the possibility of a relationship. Not quite sure what I gotta do. I was thinking of telling her that it would be better to wait a bit. I told her ( I mean, I am sure she understood it right away, so I just made it concrete) what I was aiming at, very kindly, of course (I didn't tell her that I want a relationship or want to have sex or whatever); just told her I wanted to go a little bit beyond. That's it.

As for our friendship, I am a little bit concerned. It wasn't hard enough to break it, but surely is something that can't be forgotten like if nothing happend. Experience anyway, I'll take it. I felt bad yesterday, today I am already recovering, although bitterness is there for the missed opportunity.

P.S Her friends thought the same. She is weird ah

Edited March 9, 2017 by DawnOfReality

[Toby]

Don't waste your time on this woman. There are enough other girls out there, maybe even in the exact same course.

[egoeimai]

The fact that she said that she doesnt want go be in a relationship, THIS means she saw it in you

(that your intention was to be in a relationship/or that you're a type of person who aims for relationships and sth 'serious') 

which is good,that she felt that for you,because you know,most of the women want to be in a relationship. So you have a + in that from her. (Unless you asked her If she would like to be in relationship,and she said no. But you didnt claimed that,so I suppose it never happened)

But you must know what you want,first things first,you must be clear for what you desire,TOO. To yourself and not in front of her necessarily.

If you dont know what you want,or you are afraid admiting that you want just sex,it will not end well,for you amd for her. It will mess up with your mind,you will regret any action and it will leave you feeling uncomfortable with yourself. First,you must know what you want. Be clear. Be open. Do not be afraid. 

The fact that she didn't reject you its good,at that is because maybe later she will be into you  Some people are a bit hesitant at first and then they give it all. So its a good start. But If I were you,her opinion doesnt matter If you dont know EXACTLY what you want. She can give and take,what she desires to give and take. But what about you?  She will play her role,play yours!

[DawnOfReality]

10 minutes ago, Toby said:

Don't waste your time on this woman. There are enough other girls out there, maybe even in the exact same course.

Rationally speaking I think you are right and I should do that. Emotionally it is not that easy! I will try, based also on what happens next. Surely I am not expecting her to get engaged with me anymore.

[Toby]

10 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

The fact that she didn't reject you its good,at that is because maybe later she will be into you

? If she isn't someone who just wants sex then it was pretty obviously a rejection. And why would he meet with her, when she only wants a friendship or sex? Doesn't make any sense, so wasting any more time, energy and attention on someone that unreceptive is just not very wise.

[DawnOfReality]

47 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

The fact that she said that she doesnt want go be in a relationship, THIS means she saw it in you

(that your intention was to be in a relationship/or that you're a type of person who aims for relationships and sth 'serious') 

which is good,that she felt that for you,because you know,most of the women want to be in a relationship. So you have a + in that from her. (Unless you asked her If she would like to be in relationship,and she said no. But you didnt claimed that,so I suppose it never happened)

But you must know what you want,first things first,you must be clear for what you desire,TOO. To yourself and not in front of her necessarily.

If you dont know what you want,or you are afraid admiting that you want just sex,it will not end well,for you amd for her. It will mess up with your mind,you will regret any action and it will leave you feeling uncomfortable with yourself. First,you must know what you want. Be clear. Be open. Do not be afraid. 

The fact that she didn't reject you its good,at that is because maybe later she will be into you  Some people are a bit hesitant at first and then they give it all. So its a good start. But If I were you,her opinion doesnt matter If you dont know EXACTLY what you want. She can give and take,what she desires to give and take. But what about you?  She will play her role,play yours!

No I didn't ask her to be in a relationship. But let me explain at this point, maybe I can get an even more insightful response from you: 
so, what happend is that I told her that I had to talk to her the day after. I had a generic plan of when where and what to say to her. Just circumstances fucked it up and what actually happened is that I had to do it at the end of lectures (which is not optimal, cause she had to go and take the train). Before quitting the class I looked towards her and she made me a gesture to tell me "don't go away" (and this after a whole morning during which we talked and laughed and didn't mention once about this "thing I had to say to her". This just to say that she was thinking of it the whole time for sure and I can't fucking believe she didn't know what I would have asked her). Anyway I waited for her to exit the classroom but she came out with her friends all around and she freking screamed at "WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?!" [and I was really "Come on sistah, u dumb?!"]. So I couldn't really take her apart, thus I told her low voice if is she wanted to hang out and she said "If you want" and I specified "with no pressure" and she replied "Yea, no pressure, you said it right". Then I couldn't really keep talking of that cuz we were with all these other people.

So in the afternoon I called her and told her about this thing (cuz I didn't want abandon the conversation halfway through and felt right to do so) and I pointed out that this had to be a very mindless thing, no forcing of any kind, after I clearly told her that I wanted "that something more". BUT she insisted in asking me "Well, you know what's my point of view, right?! I don't have a problem in hanging out, but you gotta know my point of view" so it was quite harsh imo and actually felt something you would say when you got 0 interest. So I just took the blow. That's how it went, pretty weird but keep in mind this is prolly my first time going serious about this, I had just 2 other "relationships" that were completely random.

I don't want sex, I am looking for someone I can pass some good time with, that makes me feel right . And for experience in a domain of life that I haven't ever really gone into before now. The former is stronger though, I have quite a hard crush on her.
 

PS: Prolly should have mentioned this: After this story, we sent each other few messages, some were very kind (when unrelated to this topic), the ones related to this were quite hard (e.g. I wrote her that we'll have to talk again and I tried to let her understand that my intentions were good saying "We gotta talk again, nothing to worry about anyway" and she answered like this "That's fine (although your "nothing to worry about things" are starting to getting me worried ahah")". 

Edited March 9, 2017 by DawnOfReality

[Shin]

54 minutes ago, DawnOfReality said:

Rationally speaking I think you are right and I should do that. Emotionally it is not that easy! I will try, based also on what happens next. Surely I am not expecting her to get engaged with me anymore.

You mean that you logically understand that there is lots of women out there, but practically you still feel that you can't date any of them, that you need a specific situation (like this one) to take a step ?

If that's the case, you need to brute force yourself to do some pickup, to really embody this principle, cause not only there is no "the one" but staying in this state of neediness (even though it's not how you think of it) is very detrimental to your growth.

 

Edited March 9, 2017 by Shin

[egoeimai]

This thing "I have to talk to you" maybe brings her anxiety. It sounds serious,I wouldn't recommend that. But now you're not just friends,you went it in a whole new level.And now you have to watch your words. And I dont mean 'dont be yourself', but I mean,you know, fear of rejection takes place,and you want your safety,so your words must be counted.

I highly recommend to sit back and take it slow. I know you just said that you have a crush on her,but get your shit together.Everytime you talk to her rembember that 'you dont actually neex her approval.you dont need her in general'  and let things  flow. I think all relationships and trials to get what you want from the opposite sex,is something that brings out of you hard-pressed feelings. You know,you trying to be nice and cool and you sometimes pretend sth that you aren't, and its totally normal...but even tho you have a crush,you need to chill and let her show some interest. And If she doesnt thats okay. Maybe she doesnt trust you yet,or she is afraid of you,she maybe thinks u will hurt her. Who knows. You made your move. And now chill. Things will take their destination to what you want or not.

One more thing. Dont ever do this again. Think about yourself "Im a strong man with little to zero needs. Even If she does reject I wont give a damn." Just dont say to her "with no pressure" Is she a queen or somethin? Doesnt she have flaws? Dont you ever mention this again. Its miserable. You're not a burden. I have a friends who acts the same. Not cool. Ok? Be confident. You don't need her. 

[egoeimai]

40 minutes ago, Toby said:

? If she isn't someone who just wants sex then it was pretty obviously a rejection. And why would he meet with her, when she only wants a friendship or sex? Doesn't make any sense, so wasting any more time, energy and attention on someone that unreceptive is just not very wise.

Boy, you don't necessarily have to take sth from someone. I used to think that way. You are unique. We are whole. Thats it. She doesnt want what he wants? Its okay. Then accept it and its cool.

There is no rejection tbh. But we mention this so we can be understood to each other. Its just all about desires. One desires sth different from someone else and that it. Freedom guys! 

And there isnt really a waste of time. Its just another term of human communication. We grow from every experience,especially bad ones. 

What If he was in a good relationship with her? Would it be "not waste of time? " 

Its all about perspective.

[DawnOfReality]

3 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

This thing "I have to talk to you" maybe brings her anxiety. It sounds serious,I wouldn't recommend that. But now you're not just friends,you went it in a whole new level.And now you have to watch your words. And I dont mean 'dont be yourself', but I mean,you know, fear of rejection takes place,and you want your safety,so your words must be counted.

I highly recommend to sit back and take it slow. I know you just said that you have a crush on her,but get your shit together.Everytime you talk to her rembember that 'you dont actually neex her approval.you dont need her in general'  and let things  flow. I think all relationships and trials to get what you want from the opposite sex,is something that brings out of you hard-pressed feelings. You know,you trying to be nice and cool and you sometimes pretend sth that you aren't, and its totally normal...but even tho you have a crush,you need to chill and let her show some interest. And If she doesnt thats okay. Maybe she doesnt trust you yet,or she is afraid of you,she maybe thinks u will hurt her. Who knows. You made your move. And now chill. Things will take their destination to what you want or not.

One more thing. Dont ever do this again. Think about yourself "Im a strong man with little to zero needs. Even If she does reject I wont give a damn." Just dont say to her "with no pressure" Is she a queen or somethin? Doesnt she have flaws? Dont you ever mention this again. Its miserable. You're not a burden. I have a friends who acts the same. Not cool. Ok? Be confident. You don't need her. 

Yea, I see what you said there. Thanks bro. 
 

The "no pressure" part actually highlights my personality quite a bit to be honest. I completely undesrtand why you don't say that, just I would try to "make comfortable"/be nice even with a stool. So that's something I must keep under control.