Ecstatic Liberation: ~80mg Toad Venom

[halfknots]

Friday January 20, 2023

Yesterday I sat with bufo for the third time. I know, there's hardly any bufotenine in it and the toad has been renamed, but the label stuck.

It was an overcast day in Malibu and a light rain fell as I drove up the coast listening to Zen koans. While driving I imagined inhaling the vapor with such clarity that it had a physical effect on me. This impromptu rehearsal expended any nervous energy I had surrounding the experience. I arrived at my destination at 3:00 pm totally at peace.

I was greeted by the assistant Cam who welcomed me into the space. Despite my familiarity the interior is no less spectacular, and the view of the ocean is awesome in the literal sense of the word.

Downstairs, I smiled to see Luna and we welcomed each other in a warm embrace. It's been almost exactly a year since my last bufo ceremony and a lot has changed. Focused medicine work with ayahuasca, kambo, and hapé has shifted my life in profound ways, for which I am deeply grateful. After catching up for maybe 15 minutes we found a dose, 80-85mg, and the space was prepared in the usual fashion.

Once again I was given the offer to receive the medicine while standing, which I was happy to do

"Inhale, good, nice and slow. Keep going, keep going..."

I draw the unctuous vapor deep into my lungs, raising my arms to the sky. My vision is wavering, electric thick and fluid

"A little bit more. Good, now some fresh air."

With that I close my eyes and fall back. I feel Dan catch me.

No one is laid down lovingly on the floor. No one has a silk scarf draped over their eyes. No one hears the sound of a hand drum or smells the burning incense.

. . . . . . .

No one.

Nothing.

      .

Everything.

All one.

. . . . . . .

As soon as one Planck of awareness asserts itself, it is fucking ON.

The entire play of creation revealed itself. It is perfect, complete, and whole. Between absolute negative infinite and absolute positive infinite is This. An unbridled orchestral storm explodes in the field of infinite awareness as every piece of information ever to exist or not exist, real or unreal, imagined or unimagined dances the impossible dance. Everything, and nothing, one and not one, beyond description and ever present.

This is total enlightenment. Simple as that. Done.

"What the fuck!" I open my eyes and sit bolt upright, shouting at the top of my lungs. "WHAT THE FUCK!!! THIS IS IT!!! ENLIGHTENMENT NOW! FOR EVERYONE!" I scream, I howl, I sing, the full range of my voice swinging and ringing out in the cathedral-like space.

" @Leo Gura!!!" I call out and laugh. "Jeremy!" I call out my fathers name. The name of my father feels like the sonic blueprint for creation in a very curious way. It is the pattern of creation, and my mother is the matrix of creation.

At this point I'm back in my body, writhing in ecstatic liberation and naming all that I love about life. It is color and sound, music, movement and beauty. It is cozy, having a body, stretching, fruit, beach, play, sex, family, community, caring, sharing, loving, freedom.

I felt very strongly, and still do feel, that this is the shared experience around which a new community is being born. This experience with it's unfathomable depth and profundity serves to dramatically recontextualize all of what is happening here, beckoning us to redirect our energy toward our own vision for what it means to live in harmony, both inner and outer. It presents an alternative investment opportunity so that we can withdraw our energy, physically and metaphysically, to whatever degree practicable, from those ways of being which do not interest us and do not serve our vision of the highest good.

I continued to roll around, whistle, stretch the body and feel the deliciousness of life. I snacked on some tangerines and chatted with Luna and Cam, where they helped fill in some blanks. I was fully in the medicine for 15 minutes, with an additional 15 minutes having passed since I regained body awareness. I felt exceptionally clear minded and open, inspired, grateful, and on purpose. We continued in this way for about 20 more minutes, at which time I packed up my things and drove home.

I arrived home around 6:30 pm, and was joined shortly after by my lover Michelle. We met years ago on a hike she arranged for everyone that's part of this bufo community. After reconnecting at the end of last year we fell deeply in love. We're still falling, and continue to do conscious medicine work together. She was eager to hear about my journey, and we agreed beforehand that she would take a small sip of vaporized synthetic 5-MeO-DMT as we lay in bed together. We did just that, and rejoiced in each other's company for some time. The night went on, the two of us hung out with my sister and eventually ordered takeout from a local Peruvian restaurant. We ate, Michelle drove home, and I was happy to crawl in bed early.

Luna mentioned that the third session is special. The first time, no one knows what to expect. The second time there may be significant hesitation at meeting the Absolute once again. The third time, there's some degree of familiarity, with a different level of clarity and embodiment. I'm inclined to agree.

Though my written description  may give the impression this ceremony was identical to my last two, the felt experience was different. There was a more pronounced sense of importance, hope, purpose, and joy. It feels like my life purpose is to work with this medicine, embody the wisdom imparted by it, and perhaps one day to share this medicine with others.

I am deeply grateful and humbled by this experience. As always I'm open to questions, comments, anything.

Thanks for reading. Blessings and gratitude to you ???❤️‍???‍♂️

[BipolarGrowth]

It sounds like you got to some deep territory and enjoyed yourself. Nice work ?

[halfknots]

Territory beyond territory my friend

[Brittle_buddha]

Beautiful my love... Another gorgeous remembering, reemerging. Iove you so, so much 

 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, halfknots said:

Luna mentioned that the third session is special.

The 173rd session is just as special, Lol.

[aurum]

@halfknots great share, thank you!

[halfknots]

13 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The 173rd session is just as special, Lol.

lol I intend to find out.

[Verg0]

First of all: Beautiful that you had such a profound experience!

"It feels like my life purpose is to work with this medicine, embody the wisdom imparted by it, and perhaps one day to share this medicine with others." 

- I would recommend that you are aware that you have almost no experience with this medicine whatsoever. If you feel the call to share this medicine with others, please work with it A LOT more to really get to know these realms more deeply. 

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, halfknots said:

lol I intend to find out.

Careful what you wish for

[halfknots]

4 hours ago, Verg0 said:

First of all: Beautiful that you had such a profound experience!

"It feels like my life purpose is to work with this medicine, embody the wisdom imparted by it, and perhaps one day to share this medicine with others." 

- I would recommend that you are aware that you have almost no experience with this medicine whatsoever. If you feel the call to share this medicine with others, please work with it A LOT more to really get to know these realms more deeply. 

I've received the message loud and clear, from ayahuasca, that it's not my time to serve anyone other than myself.

[Matthew85]

@halfknots Very profound. Thank you for sharing it!

[RamPhoenix]

  May I ask your reasons for using a facilitator?

I personally only use one if i'm seeking "psyche challenging dosages".

 

[halfknots]

@RamPhoenix

Because the space is beautiful and I'm using very high doses which are not safe without a facilitator.

These are not "psyche" challenging doses" I'm referring to but total death experiences in which I temporarily lose all touch with the material world. In states this deep one has ZERO control or even awareness of the concept of control. It's possible to move around, make noise etc and a facilitator makes sure that no harm is done.

I use synthetic on my own and at lower doses.

Edited April 4, 2023 by halfknots