Why do guys take gals for granted?

[Tyler Robinson]

I've noticed this - when I'm friends with a dude, he gives me a ton of respect. And when he gradually gets closer to me and becomes my lover/boyfriend he begins to take me for granted and respects other women the way he used to do(to me) prior to me being his girlfriend. 

Why does every guy do this?

Every time I move from friend to girlfriend status, I get treated like "no longer important." 

Guys are only nice in the friendship and honeymoon (read hornymoon) phase of the dynamic and beyond that  they become boring, don't pay as much attention to the girl, don't try to impress, lose interest and act tardy. 

I don't like how guys try so hard to impress me at first and then start acting like it doesn't matter anymore. 

I lose interest later with such behavior. 

 

[vishnusavestheday]

It could be a mutual thing, in that nobody is to blame. Sometimes the spark just dies, and the vibrancy and electricity in the relationship is noticeably faded. You could both be catching eachother at off glances. One wrong perception of the other can lead to unfortunate miscommunication of emotion.

 

It might not be so much a misogyny thing as much as it is a sign that both parties are not putting in mutual effort into the shared experience. 

 

Plus, most guys have little experience with deep relationships with non-familial women. Every moment of intimacy could be very complicated to them. Sure, we can all mirror eachother in the beginning of relationship dynamics. Everything is novel, and rough territories have not been discovered. 

 

Also, remember that long-lasting relationships are valued because of the very reason that they are marked notable from failures in the past.

 

Hope that helps.

[Tyler Robinson]

@vishnusavestheday yea that's understandable. 

 

[aurum]

I would say that’s a pattern of behavior common in all relationships, not just romantic ones. You can start to take for granted your business parter, your family, friends, your dog, etc.

The reality is that most people are driven by obtaining what they don’t already have. That’s the survival wiring of the mind. When you’re hungry, you aren’t grateful for the food you had last week. You just want food now.

In this way, gratitude and appreciation are actually harder embody. They require a higher state of consciousness that isn’t so survival oriented and can actually be satisfied with what is.

Men as a generalization might be more prone to this, but everyone struggles with this no matter your gender.

This is partly why conscious relationships are so tough. You must overcome your lower survival mind every day and choose to appreciate and love the other person. And not just in word, but in action. You must tend to the relationship perpetually, like a garden. And you must find what is new, novel and exciting about them, even if you’ve known them for years.

Edited January 20, 2023 by aurum

[Tyler Robinson]

@aurum cool explanation. 

[Tyler Robinson]

@NoSelfSelf input? 

[mr_engineer]

@Tyler Robinson What do you have to offer to a guy apart from your looks? 

This smells of them only valuing you for your looks. And, once they get you, they got the validation of being with a 'hot girl' and it doesn't satisfy them once, so they chase it again. 

You may want to look at issues with codependency and self-worth in order to break out of the pattern of attracting these kinds of guys. Cuz they will also be narcissistic and ask you to abandon your boundaries to be with them. Making promises that they break. 

[Tyler Robinson]

42 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

@Tyler Robinson What do you have to offer to a guy apart from your looks? 

This smells of them only valuing you for your looks. And, once they get you, they got the validation of being with a 'hot girl' and it doesn't satisfy them once, so they chase it again. 

You may want to look at issues with codependency and self-worth in order to break out of the pattern of attracting these kinds of guys. Cuz they will also be narcissistic and ask you to abandon your boundaries to be with them. Making promises that they break. 

I offer what any good girlfriend would offer - I'm fun to be with. I am funny, polite, witty and people love to talk to me. I have always been a loyal girlfriend and I value commitment. So I don't think that superficial attraction is the reason. 

It's just that guys cannot get this side right. They like a woman but they tend to lose interest as well. They have commitment so they don't ditch me.. 

But the intensity fades. It seems men tend to get super excited initially but underestimate their own capacity to value the other person. 

You're right about one thing. This is a classic narcissistic trait. To like a person only temporarily. 

[mr_engineer]

21 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

I offer what any good girlfriend would offer - I'm fun to be with. I am funny, polite, witty and people love to talk to me. I have always been a loyal girlfriend and I value commitment. So I don't think that superficial attraction is the reason. 

Maybe you need to do better than 'any good girlfriend', then. What is unique about you, that they should choose you over other girls that also offer this? 

Them being resentful is not your fault. If they want someone else, they should go get them. But, from your perspective, you can change the situation by competing against other women for him. You do that, they'll value you more! Cuz value is relative. 

Edited January 20, 2023 by mr_engineer

[Cleopatra]

It’s nothing new, I’ve heard the same from guys as well, generally people tend to be on their best behavior when trying to get with someone and a surprising amount of people these days, male and female are incapable of nurturing and maintaining satisfying long term relationships and even friendships. Once it’s no longer shiny and tickling to their ego that they have the person, they are gone lol. 
That said, I’ve found that dating older men tends to reduce the unpredictability and boyish behavior because they know what they want and generally have more consistent behavior. Just be careful to avoid the ones that just got older but never really “grew up”.

[Tyler Robinson]

@Cleopatra that's a great perspective and insight. Totally agree. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Tyler Robinson

I cant tell you whats happening because i dont think about what other guys are thinking...i can give my perspective only....

What you described is off to me actually ,because every relationship that starts with lies will crumble eventually they(guys you decribed) are disengenius so its bad foundation from the start potraying a role.If you ask me i would lose interest if a girl is not compatible with my game so i would know before getting into a relationship if shes up for a task(and also me).
In a relationship if shes not following my game im losing interest.Otherwise there will be skeletons without having structure layed down.If i stop doing things i was doing ,means im doing it for you to get something from you aka manipulating,but i should be doing and continue doing things i was doing ,because its how i conduct myself not to impress or get something from you.

Edited January 20, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[Byun Sean]

In general we tend to take for granted things that are there more often. 

 

Most of us take air for granted because its always there.

 

It is common that once people become lovers, they want to naturally spend as much time together as possible.

This is why I think it can be beneficial for both parties to see each other less often in relationships where both people still have lives of their own.

Quality time together over quantity (even though quantity is obviously still very important).

Edited January 20, 2023 by Byun Sean

[Intraplanetary]

yes, the more you give yourself to a man the more he takes you for granted. The key is to be self-reliant and be like water to a thirsty mouth - let him  sip, don't gurgle. 

I agree with @aurum loving is a choice and practice and this has to be mutual.

I wish to have a relationship where I could completely let go and surrender in trust that the abundance of my love and loyalty would not be taken for granted. One day.

[Rafael Thundercat]

https://positivepsychology.com/hedonic-treadmill/

[Loba]

With the sting of the whip on my shoulder
With the salt of my sweat on my brow
Elohim, God on high, can you hear your people cry?
Help us now
This dark hour

Deliver us
Hear our call, deliver us
Lord of all, remember us
Here in this burning sand
Deliver us
There's a land You promised us
Deliver us to the Promised Land

My son, I have nothing I can give
But this chance that you may live
I pray we'll meet again if He will

Deliver us (deliver us)
Hear our prayer, deliver us
From despair, these years of slavery
Grown too cruel to stand
Deliver us
There's a land You promised us
Deliver us from the bondage
And deliver us to the Promised Land

(In a "funny" mood tonight - sorry, kind of vague humour.

In my experience, most people mirror your subconscious/karma/trauma so focus on bringing Light to it and these things should help - I wish I could offer better advice, but I am a permanently single person - saving it all for something else.  Another thing, though, relationships can be a distraction and take you off your path.  I think people in general can take one another for granted, or perhaps they have their own issues to work through?  Having a long-term meaningful connection is a lot of work, and I think a lot of people, me included, don't want to or simply can't put in the work that is required.  When you meet someone initially, it can seem easy, like the newness of it generates energy and it kind of tricks you into a false sense that this is a feasible connection, but over time when you see the person or talk to them a lot it can become more apparent that it isn't the right relationship.  I think that happens to a lot of people and instead of breaking it off, people sort of "counter surf" like a pup looking for a quick bite to eat.  I wouldn't take it personally, it's the age as well.  Connection is much harder to find/maintain than it was just a generation below mine.  This newer generation of 20 somethings has it rough.

Edited January 21, 2023 by Loba