Cannot connect to anyone

[Lincisman]

(deep breath)

I am unable to form any meaningful relationships (Like spending free time together) with people (friendships and others), therefore I have only so-called acquaintances.

Possible reasons:

1. I had a couple of experiences where I was hurt and mistreated. Hence refuse to open up to anyone (avoid showing how I feel or think therefore people cannot relate. They feel that I am being fake maybe). I Don't express myself the way I should in order to make a connection. Put on some sort of mask, a fake front -> fundamentally I cannot trust another person to be myself in the interaction because I am afraid of being hurt and judged again.

(trying to articulate what I am feeling. But there is definitely a disconnect.)

2. I had an inadequate elementary school teacher. 3 out of 4 students in our class ended up having low self-esteem (which became obvious after I read Nathaniel Branden's work). In the book, he explains the dynamic low self-esteem in relationships. I may have this going on in me. (Lately, I have improved my self-esteem and my relationships did not change)

Should I start somehow digging up shit from my past and set it up on fire OR I just work on my self-esteem and social skills?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not fully aware of it but by attitude towards other people is not good.

Sometimes I feel like I am slowly becoming a villain. Seeing other people walking in the groups looking happy while I am alone.

Firstly I get overwhelmed by these feelings of loneliness and cannot function, then the mind calms down I feel this energy which I can use to do something bad, hurt others. No one loves me anyways other than myself (but still not fully.)

 

So after all of this I just go to the gym (yes, I exercise my legs too). This is my therapy whatever the meaning of this word is. 

Thank you if you bothered to read all the way to the end.

[integral]

What are your interests or hobbies? Join events and group activities with people who share your interests and something will connect. 

[Devin]

I would try to process anything you haven't moved on from from the past, I like to use a journal, view it, accept it, and move on with your life, sounds like you're carrying some things from the past.

I suggest looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs to see if you're missing anything below companionship stage, that will hold you back from making desirable connections.

And lastly, just have fun, forget the pressure you're putting on making connections, just enjoy the life that's in front of you, it's likely you'll make good connections but it's fine if you don't.

[Lincisman]

@integral Very practical. thank you.

10 hours ago, Devin said:

I would try to process anything you haven't moved on from the past, I like to use a journal, view it, accept it, and move on with your life, sounds like you're carrying some things from the past.

So what I do is remember what happened, write it down and try to bring more awareness and understanding to the situation. Is that how it works? And should I do it daily like a habit or just once? 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The biggest problem is that my mind spins negative thoughts about the whole situation. Imagine I meet potential girlfriend and she finds out I don't have friends. What does that say about me? shit like that

[Tyler Robinson]

3 hours ago, Lincisman said:

The biggest problem is that my mind spins negative thoughts about the whole situation. Imagine I meet potential girlfriend and she finds out I don't have friends. What does that say about me? shit like that

You're thinking too much about what others think about you. Spinning cycles. Then every thought becomes a consequence of the previous one. 

Remove limiting beliefs. Don't have beliefs at all. Be neutral while approaching a situation and try not to judge yourself or others. This way your mind will generate less drama. Right now you're caught in a movie you're spinning. 

[Devin]

4 hours ago, Lincisman said:

@integral Very practical. thank you.

So what I do is remember what happened, write it down and try to bring more awareness and understanding to the situation. Is that how it works? And should I do it daily like a habit or just once? 

--

If you have the time and energy I suggest you journal daily until you don't feel you need to.

Write down what's on your mind, empty out your thoughts onto paper, don't try to force it any direction, see what comes out, if then the thought why do I feel like this or think about this pops up then write that down, for me it just wants to flow itself and I just let it out, like emotional and mental constipation, then cry or scream or whatever emotions you feel, experience it.

To me it seems like we repress stuff and it just stays rolling around in our mind until we express it which let's it go, I feel lighter mentally, emotionally, and physically it releases body tension.

Having a journal book that I like to write in and a pen I like helps me to want to start journaling when I should. I like the typical bound mead composition notebooks and  the clear bic cristal original ballpoint capped pens, about the cheapest options and for some reason my favorite, the ballpoint dries faster so it doesn't smear when you're really emptying fast. Digital is too slow and screens put me off anyway. I really enjoy it, it's emotional yoga.

4 hours ago, Lincisman said:

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The biggest problem is that my mind spins negative thoughts about the whole situation. Imagine I meet potential girlfriend and she finds out I don't have friends. What does that say about me? shit like that

Just get a girlfriend then, you'll see it's an irrational fear. Some fears are easier accomplished by doing rather than thinking.

 

Accomplish your fears?, that was a subconscious slip.

Edited January 20, 2023 by Devin

[Cathal]

I can relate. Let me just offer something to reflect on, just regard everything as your mind and put the effort into facing the things you have habitually avoided, there's not much else to it m8. It feels like they are beyond your mind in the sense that the way they make you feel is intrusive and since it is so unpleasant, naturally you want to close off, keep away, avoid right?.  You have a little bit of rough terrain to walk in regards to learning to trust the good nature of people, that comes naturally as you trust and love yourself more and more by understanding yourself on a deeper level, it is when your intentions become pure that you stop distrusting other people. Start slowly, I highly recommend a therapist or a good friend/teacher that you can open up with and develop a sense of a relationship that is good hearted and open. It's possible, I went through it. I was way more fucked than what you wrote, it's not an easy journey. Arduous effort.

[Lincisman]

On 1/20/2023 at 4:10 PM, Tyler Robinson said:

Remove limiting beliefs. Don't have beliefs at all. Be neutral while approaching a situation and try not to judge yourself or others. This way your mind will generate less drama.

This is good advice but in your experience how should one go about doing it?

On the one hand, I can question them verbally, and actively. Or I can just look and see. This would be the more passive approach. Wait, I can put myself in situations where these beliefs (and related thoughts and feelings) can come to the surface (But what do I do once it's there?).

On 1/20/2023 at 4:58 PM, Devin said:

To me, it seems like we repress stuff and it just stays rolling around in our mind until we express it which let's it go,

I experienced that too

16 hours ago, Cathal said:

regard everything as your mind and put the effort into facing the things you have habitually avoided, there's not much else to it m8.

Interesting. I see but most of the time these unconscious/ habitual feelings and responses are way way more powerful (loneliness and surrounding negativity). They are unpleasant and carry me away like an ocean wave. Hence I run away. This results in destructive behaviors most of the time.

 

It feels like if I will allow these sensations to run through me they will destroy me. 

16 hours ago, Cathal said:

It feels like they are beyond your mind in the sense that the way they make you feel is intrusive and since it is so unpleasant, naturally you want to close off, keep away, avoid right?. 

YES

16 hours ago, Cathal said:

You have a little bit of rough terrain to walk in regards to learning to trust the good nature of people, which comes naturally as you trust and love yourself more and more by understanding yourself on a deeper level, it is when your intentions become pure that you stop distrusting other people.

So a big part of it is my relationship with myself, right?

16 hours ago, Cathal said:

Start slowly, I highly recommend a therapist or a good friend/teacher that you can open up with and develop a sense of a relationship that is good-hearted and open.

Therapy is interesting. I prefer doing it on my own. Once I went to a psychologist but it was meh. It appears to me that you must do like 10s of visits to make it work.

Does therapy mostly involve just talking and asking questions? How does therapy work in your experience? And what is the purpose of it?

 

[Ulax]

@Lincisman If you have the financial means and a relevant therapist is available, I'd recommend humanistic psychotherapy. 

[flowboy]

On 19/01/2023 at 7:29 PM, Lincisman said:

(deep breath)

I am unable to form any meaningful relationships (Like spending free time together) with people (friendships and others), therefore I have only so-called acquaintances.

Possible reasons:

1. I had a couple of experiences where I was hurt and mistreated. Hence refuse to open up to anyone (avoid showing how I feel or think therefore people cannot relate. They feel that I am being fake maybe). I Don't express myself the way I should in order to make a connection. Put on some sort of mask, a fake front -> fundamentally I cannot trust another person to be myself in the interaction because I am afraid of being hurt and judged again.

(trying to articulate what I am feeling. But there is definitely a disconnect.)

2. I had an inadequate elementary school teacher. 3 out of 4 students in our class ended up having low self-esteem (which became obvious after I read Nathaniel Branden's work). In the book, he explains the dynamic low self-esteem in relationships. I may have this going on in me. (Lately, I have improved my self-esteem and my relationships did not change)

Should I start somehow digging up shit from my past and set it up on fire OR I just work on my self-esteem and social skills?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not fully aware of it but by attitude towards other people is not good.

Sometimes I feel like I am slowly becoming a villain. Seeing other people walking in the groups looking happy while I am alone.

Firstly I get overwhelmed by these feelings of loneliness and cannot function, then the mind calms down I feel this energy which I can use to do something bad, hurt others. No one loves me anyways other than myself (but still not fully.)

 

So after all of this I just go to the gym (yes, I exercise my legs too). This is my therapy whatever the meaning of this word is. 

Thank you if you bothered to read all the way to the end.

@Lincisman I appreciate you being vulnerable here. I can see that took courage.

Yes, in short, you should start digging up shit from your past, when you're ready to live a better life.

I've been an angry jealous villain for a good while, it just causes more pain and then leads you back to the path of looking inside.

https://youtu.be/zXi_-8wssb4

https://youtu.be/qjG_4MSZDP0

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/reclaiming-your-life-jean-c-jenson/1114262202

https://www.pujalepp.com

Both people I linked here are excellent and you should buy the book and go to the retreat if you can afford to. It changed my life.

Most things out there related to shadow work and self-therapy are watered-down BS.

Edited January 23, 2023 by flowboy

[Federico del pueblo]

@flowboy hello again

I just read the ebook from the pujalepp.com website. 

That sounds like really deep stuff they do there. 

I'm wondering if you learn things in this workshop that you can later keep doing at home too or whether it's more like you need the group environment to achieve healing?

I mean, I would assume that you can achieve a lot in such a workshop, but you also want to continue with it afterwards right?

Also, do you still remember roughly the cost of such a workshop? 

Thanks buddy, you're a hero here in this forum! ????

[flowboy]

@Federico del pueblo That retreat is an excellent intro and you should do it if you have the opportunity. You'll process a lot in a short time and learn how to get yourself into a deep feeling state. I'm sure it helped open up the pathway for me and made it easier to primal about other layers that came up later. The group process and the way it's structures helps weaken the defenses and makes the feeling accessible. It's 2.5k at the moment.

And after that you'd still need to keep going, in the way I described in the linked post, whenever a feeling is trying to come up (whenever you get depressed or moody or anxious or something else, you can learn to recognize your signs of old feelings). That means having a session, unguided or guided, once or multiple times a week. Takes people between .5 - 2 years to process all their major stuff that way, after which they are not neurotic anymore and their mental and psychosomatic symptoms are gone forever.

That takes a lot of discipline and most people don't do that, unless they live near the Primal Institute and can come in for a session whenever they want. But it can be done. And really, what alternative is there. Letting the brain heal itself through a completely natural process of discharging stored pain, is much better imo than creating new neurosis upon old through hypnotherapy and other band-aids.

Edited January 23, 2023 by flowboy

[Federico del pueblo]

@flowboy  Ok, very interesting! Thanks so much!

 

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

And after that you'd still need to keep going, in the way I described in the linked post, whenever a feeling is trying to come up (whenever you get depressed or moody or anxious or something else, you can learn to recognize your signs of old feelings). That means having a session, unguided or guided, once or multiple times a week. Takes people between .5 - 2 years to process all their major stuff that way, after which they are not neurotic anymore.

That takes a lot of discipline and most people don't do that, unless they live near the Primal Institute and can come in for a session whenever they want. But it can be done.

Ok, makes sense that you need to keep going.

That you can do unguided sessions too is great, because I live on a different continent than the primal institute

But apart from that I do believe that I'd have the discipline to repeat the process again and again, every week. I'm already doing almost nothing but my healing stuff, lol.

So again, thank you!

[lisindel]

Attend workshops and improve on your social skills. 

 

[ravenous dandelion]

You will have to undergo some sort of psychotherapy. 

 

[flowboy]

14 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

@flowboy  Ok, very interesting! Thanks so much!

 

Ok, makes sense that you need to keep going.

That you can do unguided sessions too is great, because I live on a different continent than the primal institute

But apart from that I do believe that I'd have the discipline to repeat the process again and again, every week. I'm already doing almost nothing but my healing stuff, lol.

So again, thank you!

I appreciate and respect your commitment!

Give the questions I listed in the other topic a try, if you get a chance. Either by journaling or by asking your subconscious and expressing. They are powerful.