Finally Realized Why I've Been Ashamed Of Myself All My Life (+ An Exercise)

[sgn]

Story:
I grew up with 3 older siblings. So I was the youngest child. The dynamic is pretty different. Different roles.
What I thought, said and felt didn't seem to matter. Why would anyone listen to the smallest child?
I reacted to this the only way I knew how. By screaming and fighting. I became a rebel.
Just wanted to be heard, seen, listened to, respected, loved, approved of.
This lead to me being yelled at. That I shouldn't be angry and scream etc. I was told that I was bad, mean, naughty and shouldn't behave the way I was. Especially by my mother.

I didn't only feel that my behavior and emotions was wrong, but that I as a person was wrong. Flawed. Imperfect. A bad child. My needs were not met. My emotions was wrong. Some of my siblings fought with me and my mother often took my side I've been hearing. Which I don't even remember. But I've been told from my oldest sister.
She became jealous of this and picked on me even more.

My mother worked as a day mom or a childminder may be the word. She took care of other children at our home. I fought and was angry at them too. Didn't want anyone else to have her attention. And sometimes she had to take their side when I fought with them. I turned everything against myself.
The way my mom was feeling and behaving I thought was always because of me. 
And how others felt also. Still feels like it.
I've started to question this now and can see it rarely had anything to do with me at all.
She was often tired after work when all the kids went home and I wanted to spend time with her alone. But she wanted to rest and be alone. I thought it was because of me she was tired, because of how I was and that she didn't love me.

Had to take a brake here from writing this. Moving on. I remember a moment when I was outside her bedroom and she shut the door, and leaving me by myself.
I don't remember that much from childhood but this is clear as day.
I also remember standing beside her when we were out to walk just her and me.
And she ran into a friend. They just talked and talked and I had to just stand and listen and be quiet. Didn't feel I was worth attention. Not worth to listen to because now the grownups are talking and I'm unimportant. I became angry at her friends for this. Taking our time away from me.

Anyway because of how people yelled at me and called me things when I was causing trouble and screaming that left me with toxic shame. So I stopped this. And became quiet instead.
I stopped fighting and started to suppress everything instead. My emotions and what I thought and wanted to say. I wanted to be a good boy. I became perfectionistic in my thinking and behavior so others would accept, love and approve of me.
I was extremely shy.

I started seeking this love and approval from others. Always on guard and wondered what people thought about me. Scared of being judged. I saw myself as bad and was convinced that others saw the exact same thing when they looked at me. Bad. Worthless. Not deserved to be listen to. Should be quiet and especially when others are talking.
Others know better and my opinions doesn't matter.
I was a bad boy and should be ashamed of myself for how I am and what I've done. Always.

This turned to severe social anxiety in teenage years and I'm now 28 years old and this have impacted every single aspect of my life. Still ashamed. Feel fundamentally flawed. A victim. Given myself a life sentence of punishment. A life in mental prison.
And feel a deep fear of abandonment.
It's one thing if I choose to stop spending time with someone. But if they choose it, that's a confirmation, a proof of me being flawed, it feels like.

Childhood is a mothafocka...
Don't underestimate it I'd say.

I've started working on all this stuff now.
Doing a lot of digging and much inner child work.
Let me share a questionnare that may be eye opening for some:
(Please share what you score and your own story if you want to)

WOUNDED CHILD QUESTIONNARE
The questions in this section will give you an overall view of the extent to which your inner child is wounded.

A. IDENTITY

1. I experience anxiety and fear whenever I contemplate doing anything new.
    Yes _____ No _____
2. I'm a people pleaser (nice guy/sweetheart) and have no identity of my own.
    Yes _____ No _____
3. I'm a rebel. I feel alive when I'm in conflict. Yes _____ No _____
4. In the deepest places of my secret self, I feel there is something wrong with me.
    Yes _____ No _____
5. I'm a hoarder; I have trouble letting go of anything. Yes _____ No _____
6. I feel inadequate as a man/woman. Yes _____ No _____
7. I'm confused about my sexual identity. Yes _____ No _____
8. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and would rather give in to others.
Yes _____ No _____
9. I have trouble starting things. Yes _____ No _____
10. I have trouble finishing things. Yes _____ No _____
11. I rarely have a thought of my own. Yes _____ No _____
12. I continually criticize myself for being inadequate. Yes _____ No _____
13. I consider myself a terrible sinner and I'm afraid I'm going to hell.
    Yes _____ No _____
14. I'm rigid and perfectionistic. Yes _____ No _____
15. I feel like I never measure up; never get anything right. Yes _____ No _____
16. I feel like I really don't know what I want. Yes _____ No _____
17. I'm driven to be a superachiever. Yes _____ No _____
18. I believe I don't really matter except when I'm sexual. I'm afraid I'll be rejected and abandoned if I'm not a good lover. Yes _____ No _____
19. My life is empty; I feel depressed a lot of the time. Yes _____ No _____
20. I don't really know who I am. I'm not sure what my values are or what I think about things. Yes _____ No _____

B. BASIC NEEDS

1. I'm out of touch with my bodily needs. I don't know when I'm tired, hungry, of horny.
    Yes _____ No _____
2. I don't like being touched. Yes _____ No _____
3. I often have sex when I don't really want to. Yes _____ No _____
4. I have had or currently have an eating disorder. Yes _____ No _____
5. I am hung up on oral sex. Yes _____ No _____
6. I rarely know what I feel. Yes _____ No _____
7. I feel ashamed when I get mad. Yes _____ No _____
8. I rarely get mad, but when I do, I rage. Yes _____ No _____
9. I fear other people's anger and I will do most anything to control it. Yes _____ No _____
10. I'm ashamed when I cry. Yes _____ No _____
11. I'm ashamed when I'm scared. Yes _____ No _____
12. I almost never express unpleasant emotions. Yes _____ No _____
13. I'm obsessed with anal sex. Yes _____ No _____
14. I'm obsessed with sado/masochistic sex. Yes _____ No _____
15. I'm ashamed of my bodily functions. Yes _____ No _____
16. I have sleep disorders. Yes _____ No _____
17. I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at pornography. Yes _____ No _____
18. I have exhibited myself sexually in a way that violates others. Yes _____ No _____
19. I am sexually attracted to children and I worry that I might act it out. Yes _____ No _____
20. I believe that good and/or sex is my greatest need. Yes _____ No _____

C. SOCIAL

1. I basically distrust everyone, including myself. Yes _____ No _____
2. I have been or am now married to an addict. Yes _____ No _____
3. I am obsessive and controlling in my relationships. Yes _____ No _____
4. I am an addict. Yes _____ No _____
5. I'm isolated and afraid of people, especially authority figures. Yes _____ No _____
6. I hate being alone and I'll do almost anything to avoid it. Yes _____ No _____
7. I find myself doing what I think others expect of me. Yes _____ No _____
8. I avoid conflict at all cost. Yes _____ No _____
9. I rarely say no to another's suggestions and feel that another's suggestion is almost an order to be obeyed. Yes _____ No _____
10. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. It is easier for me to be concerned with another than with myself. Yes _____ No _____
11. I often do not say no directly and then refuse to do what others ask in a variety of manipulative, indirect, and passive ways. Yes _____ No _____
12. I don't know how to resolve conflicts with others. I either overpower my opponent or completely withdrawn from them. Yes _____ No _____
13. I rarely ask for clarification of statements I don't understand. Yes _____ No _____
14. I frequently guess at what another's statement means and respond to it based on my guess. Yes _____ No _____
15. I never felt close to one or both of my parents. Yes _____ No _____
16. I confuse love with pity and tend to love people I can pity. Yes _____ No _____
17. I ridicule myself and others if they make a mistake. Yes _____ No _____
18. I give in easily and conform to the group. Yes _____ No _____
19. I'm fiercely competitive and a poor loser. Yes _____ No _____
20. My most profound fear is the fear of abandonment and I'll do anything to hold on to a relationship. Yes _____ No _____

If you answered yes to ten or more of these questions, you need to do some serious work.

Edited March 3, 2017 by sgn

[Bodhi123]

@sgn I don’t think many adults realize how intelligent and sensitive children are. Kids are not dumb.  Children have the capacity to learn and to feel; this capacity should be acknowledged and respected by adults.

It is during childhood that we begin to develop our self-concept. Every interaction, achievement, and slight informs our self-concept. Good feelings become internalized… sadly, bad feelings also become internalized.

It is good that you’ve realized the source of your negative emotions. You can begin to deconstruct these feeling now that the source has been identified.

Let me leave you with one last thing… you are not fundamentally flawed. That is a learned feeling that can be unlearned. Take care.

[sgn]

@Bodhi123 Thank you for replying.  I agree with you. Did you do the exercise? Maybe you don't feel the need to. Cheers.

[Bodhi123]

@sgn I did look over the exercise and it is possible that your childhood experiences would impact your response to the questions, but there could also be other variables that would affect a person's response.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[eskwire]

@sgn I just spent the day with a lot of children.

This morning, I babysat my friend's 2 home-schooled kids.

This afternoon, I looked after about 40 kids in an after-school program at a karate school.

Not only do people underestimate how sensitive children are, the children underestimate what a GIANT DISRESPECTUL PAIN IN THE ASS they are.

This is where compassion comes in.

We are all at different levels, interacting with each other.

It's necessary work that you are looking at where you need some compassion for your wounds...and also where your parents who had to deal with you screaming while also working, having two other kids, and dealing with their marriage + bills, plumbing problems, getting groceries, keeping the house clean etc. 

I often think about children....

It takes so much effort for me to stop and explain everything and listen to every little thing they say and help them do whatever and such and so forth....

And they can't even say "thank you," accept when I say "no," or stop trying to murder each other when I ask.

That deserves SO MUCH compassion. It's a Hurculean effort. 

[Bodhi123]

11 minutes ago, eskwire said:

Not only do people underestimate how sensitive children are, the children underestimate what a GIANT DISRESPECTUL PAIN IN THE ASS they are.

I have worked in school settings. This is also true

[eskwire]

@sgn Have you considered apologizing to your mother for your behavior as a child? I'm sure all of that was painful and draining for her. Reading what you wrote made me feel worse for her than you.

Have you gone to Toastmasters or anything similar to get over your fear of speaking?

What's the game plan here? 

We are supposed to take 100% responsibility, so what's the next step?

I do have compassion for your hurt sense of self. I imagine you were one of those really possessive, overbearing personalities who wants the whole world to revolve around them. That's just your psrsonality, honestly, I think. And your needs were different from others. You had more needs. More than what someone under those circumstances could give you. I have compassion for that. How do you get that much in this world?

So, what's next?

 

 

[sgn]

@eskwire That's impossible because she died when I was 16. 
I realize it was tough for her and I was too demanding and all that. No need to say.
I wrote much of the things not because I think she did wrong or is to blame. Also not for those example memories I gave. Or "look at how bad everyone else is but me" I've tried to figure this puzzle out for yeeears. She did the best she could and had to have other things in her life than just me. But it can be enlightening to see how it fits together and how I had a egoistic perspective about it. I know it was my fault. I got more examples in different areas that I think shaped me.

I live in sweden so I don't know what the alternative would be to toastmasters. That would be too much anyway.
I'm uncomfortable with only one person looking at me. Regardless of who it is.
I've been doing some cognitive behavioral therapy so it's easier to be around people. But not so much speak too.

Next is what I'm doing now. Educate myself of how to resolve this. I read books about it and figure out what I can do.
I go to a psychologist on and off but have trouble speaking to him too, or even thinking straight. So self-conscious.
I also think about if I need to meet someone who is more specialized in that particular field. Don't want to waste time.

Edited March 4, 2017 by sgn

[Bodhi123]

54 minutes ago, eskwire said:

I imagine you were one of those really possessive, overbearing personalities who wants the whole world to revolve around them.

I read the same thing you did, and I had a completely different reaction to what he wrote.

[sgn]

Lol, I want to clarify what I wrote that it rarely had anything to do with me. Sometimes it definitely did.
But I started to took the blame for almost everything in how people felt and behave. Even more after I calmed down and became shy and quiet. It was still because I was bad I thought. To this very day, the legend has it  

Edited March 4, 2017 by sgn

[Bodhi123]

1 hour ago, sgn said:

So self-conscious.

My friend... there really is no logical reason to be self-conscious. To be self-conscious means you are giving other people's opinion more value than it deserves. Your opinion is as valuable as any other person.

AND

In terms of your feelings of self-worth YOUR opinion is the ONLY opinion that matters.

[eskwire]

9 hours ago, Bodhi123 said:

I read the same thing you did, and I had a completely different reaction to what he wrote.

Oh yes, my reaction to this post was colored by the little children who demanded every ounce of my attention and compassion all day, with no return on the favor.   To me, these examples reflected a personality that needed more attention and validation than others.  I do think some personalities have greater needs in certain departments. 

@sgn Yes, if that's where you're at right now, Toastmasters would be way too much!  CBT is a good place to start - it involves a lot of mindfulness - but I appreciate that you don't want to waste time on therapies that aren't as effective or to-the-point.  It seems like you took on two different methods for dealing with wanting to be heard - first, you got loud - then, you got quiet.  Both are maladaptive reactions.  Many, many, many people react in a maladaptive way, especially as children.  When we react in an unhealthy way, people react back to us in unhealthy ways.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  It's a fact of life.  You're part of a system much bigger than you of people acting and reacting - unconsciously, most of the time.

Is low self-esteem a big puzzle piece in this?  Leo mentions this book.  I've read it and started applying the principles/exercises - it really is a *GREAT* book on the topic.  As @Bodhi123 said, the opinion you have of yourself is the one of most importance.  It matters more than what you think of others and more than what others think of you.  From my personal experience, it is totally possible to drop all of your baggage and step into becoming the realest version of yourself.  It takes time.  It doesn't happen overnight, but it is totally possible!  Good luck to you as you keep working.

Here is a reading of the book on YouTube.

 

[sgn]

@eskwire Thanks. I have the book and read it. I have other books about self esteem and psychology too. Problem is I start working on it but then fall back. Backslide. I think I've lost hope. Yes my self-esteem is very low. It feels like if people really saw the real me there is no way it would be accepted. I don't feel I deserve happiness even. It also feels like I shouldn't just let go of my past and get away with what I've done. That I should continue to feel responsible for making other people's life difficult. Maybe they think too. I mean you even asked me if I had apologized to my mother. Even when people say hello and are nice, I think in the next moment they judge me. I don't trust anyone. Is there really real goodness in the world or is it all an act? A ego game with no authenticity? And no real compassion, only when you behave how others want you too?. My belief is that people are only judging everyone. Constantly comparing. The world seems like a bad place and so hostile. But maybe it's my mind that's a bad place and hostile, and I'm just projecting.

Edited March 5, 2017 by sgn

[eskwire]

@sgn I know how you feel. I felt horrible about myself for most of my life and it's very painful.

You can regret things from the past. We make mistakes and it would be a lie to say, "Oh yeah, I would do it exactly like that if I had another chance!" We would do things differently. That is responsibility and regret.

Guilt is different. That is regret and some shame. As if you have control. You don't. The past is over. You can't change that.

So, I asked if you apologized to your mother because there was clearly a hard dynamic going on there. Accepting responsibility and apologizing for your part in it is healing. But, it's not necessary for healing and moving on. I have apologized for friction in relationships before and it opened up a conversation.

That's all. You can move on other ways, and feeling guilty forever doesn't help anyone. Guilt doesn't make your past better. Guilt makes the present and future worse.

In fact, I have noticed that friends and boyfriends hurt me more when they felt guilty for something that went wrong in our relationship. Because they avoided me when they felt guilty. Then I felt rejected. It doesn't help. You don't need to keep feeling guilty.

Keep moving forward. Once you feel less negative, you'll see less negativity in others. Remember that people spend like 99% of their time thinking about themselves, what to eat, a text from someone cute, whatever.  They don't spend their day judging you. People are more so selfish than hateful hahaha. It's ok!!! It can all change. You got this. 

 

[eskwire]

@sgn Oh! There's a book called Healing the Shame that Binds you. That may be helpful. I don't remember it perfectly, but it has some inner child work. 

[sgn]

@eskwire I see. Thank you. I just got that book and another book by the some author which is called Homecoming. The last one is what I'm reading now. It's from that one I got the questionnare I posted.
It would be interesting and probably very powerful to participate in an inner child workshops which he talks about, but seems it's not such a common thing. He also talks about joining a twelve-step program. Because addicts also seems to be very shame-based and empty and use that to fill the void. There you open up about your "horrible secrets" that causes you shame in a supportive and non-judgemental enviroment to people who can relate, and you'll get the acceptance you feel you never got. And realize people wont hate or abandon you even when you expose your "dirty" secrets. He also suggest a supporting and non-shaming friend, partner, therapist etc. I will look into this. Thank you again for writing.
Here's a playlist with him which I'm currently watching:

 

[eskwire]

40 minutes ago, sgn said:

@eskwire I see. Thank you. I just got that book and another book by the some author which is called Homecoming. The last one is what I'm reading now. It's from that one I got the questionnare I posted.
It would be interesting and probably very powerful to participate in an inner child workshops which he talks about, but seems it's not such a common thing. He also talks about joining a twelve-step program. Because addicts also seems to be very shame-based and empty and use that to fill the void. There you open up about your "horrible secrets" that causes you shame in a supportive and non-judgemental enviroment to people who can relate, and you'll get the acceptance you feel you never got. And realize people wont hate or abandon you even when you expose your "dirty" secrets. He also suggest a supporting and non-shaming friend, partner, therapist etc. I will look into this. Thank you again for writing.
Here's a playlist with him which I'm currently watching:

 

@sgn Sure, it was nice to talk to you! I will check out these resources. ?

[sgn]

This one is great:

Another version: