Are multiple women right for me?

[Consept]

I'll give some context but want to keep this relatively short. So basically I was dating this girl at least semi-seriously, I was trying to maintain my freedom so I never really wanted to move in or anything like that, but I definitely enjoyed the benefits of the relationship, companionship, sex, having someone care about you etc. I like to think I offered her a lot as well, although I did have a block of letting her in fully, just because I've always liked the idea of keeping my freedom. I was open about this with her though. 

Anyway we broke up because i just felt we were arguing a lot and certain things didnt seem compatible, didn't speak for like 6 months, but she did get back in touch and wanted have a casual friends with benefits type situation, I told her I was concerned she might get hurt, she told me she was conscious of what she was doing, so I went ahead with it. Now I have other options popping up so I could sleep and date other women and in theory it would be all above board. Previously I actually wanted to set my life up like this, but what I keep thinking is to get to a certain stage with a woman they do kind of love you and as such you have the ability to hurt them even if it is all above board. Also I don't feel some crazy motivation to fuck as many women as possible, if a situation came up and we were vibing, I definitely would but it's not a big motivation in my life presently. I was also kind of into red pill before, although I didn't go too deep I liked the idea of becoming a man of value and having a rotation etc. 

So am I being a bit of a bitch by not taking up these offers at least for now? Or should I just put it on the back burner and work on myself? Or whatever other idea makes sense 

[something_else]

42 minutes ago, Consept said:

I told her I was concerned she might get hurt, she told me she was conscious of what she was doing, so I went ahead with it

I think that she might end up getting hurt. A lot of girls have an instinct to try and convert you from being a player-type guy into being in a committed relationship if they really like you.

If she's messaging you out of the blue many months later there's a chance she likes you more than she is letting on and is saying whatever she needs to in order to see you again

Or maybe she does just want it to be casual. But I would certainly be careful.

[Consept]

3 minutes ago, something_else said:

I think that she might end up getting hurt. A lot of girls have an instinct to try and convert you from being a player-type guy into being in a committed relationship if they really like you.

If she's messaging you out of the blue many months later there's a chance she likes you more than she is letting on and is saying whatever she needs to in order to see you again

Or maybe she does just want it to be casual. But I would certainly be careful.

Thanks for your input, yeah I think she probably wants a more committed situation. Thing is I do like her and the sex is great so I wouldn't be against it in theory, the issue from my side is I do like the freedom and I feel that with her and maybe a lot of women they get more attracted when you're just slightly out of reach, so it maybe that we settle down and she gets a bit bored or the relationship just gets boring. From her side we might not be compatible in that she's a bit of a perfectionist and I'm not so a lot of things I do naturally can cause arguments, however she has been on best behavior since we started talking again. 

I'm trying to be careful if it is just fwb but it is easy to slip into a more relationship type thing. 

[Lyubov]

Get a really deep long term relationship under your belt then go and enjoy being single. Sometimes I think we have to experience both of these. I’m personally not going to fully commit and sacrifice am the opportunity to shag more women in the future. I’m clear about that. If she still decides to follow me then that’s her problem. 

[LordFall]

I think as long as you're completely honest with your intentions and you seeing other women, you're ethically in the clear.

Keep in mind that locking down a "high-value man" all to herself is a female reproductive strategy that is not necessarily good for your own reproductive and life strategy. So her being hurt in this context is not being able to get all your emotional and financial energy all to herself, not you being toxic towards her. 

Also, keep in mind that this stuff is relatively new and there are multiple variations of open relationships that work better with women. For example if you were to date two bisexual women then that would perhaps work better for them than just being monogamous with one of them. 

If you're interested in a healthy harem lifestyle type of thing then look up Adam Lyons on Youtube, he's one of the guys that dates multiple women(and was married and has kids with two different women) and does it from an ethical place of love and abundance. 

[Eyowey]

5 hours ago, Consept said:

they do kind of love you and as such you have the ability to hurt them

Hurting people is inevitable. Either girls get hurt by guys not sticking around. Or you get hurt by not getting all the sex you want.

[John Paul]

It’s up to you. If you just want to have fun for yourself, you can. Some other people will have fun and some other people will get hurt like you said. You may even get hurt.

or if your main concern is serious personal dev. You probably shouldn’t waste all of that time dating if you are already experienced enough to hook girls. You should spend more time on your career. If you’re rich already well… I envy you a bit lol. It’s up to you when or if you ever want to settle down and have children. At some point I’d think “pussy” would get toxic and boring.

[Consept]

On 16/01/2023 at 1:39 PM, Lyubov said:

Get a really deep long term relationship under your belt then go and enjoy being single. Sometimes I think we have to experience both of these. I’m personally not going to fully commit and sacrifice am the opportunity to shag more women in the future. I’m clear about that. If she still decides to follow me then that’s her problem. 

To be fair i have a couple long term relationships but i didnt see them as Id be with them forever, just had too much work to do on myself. Would you settle down at some point or just keep shagging indefinitely? 

23 hours ago, LordFall said:

I think as long as you're completely honest with your intentions and you seeing other women, you're ethically in the clear.

Keep in mind that locking down a "high-value man" all to herself is a female reproductive strategy that is not necessarily good for your own reproductive and life strategy. So her being hurt in this context is not being able to get all your emotional and financial energy all to herself, not you being toxic towards her. 

Also, keep in mind that this stuff is relatively new and there are multiple variations of open relationships that work better with women. For example if you were to date two bisexual women then that would perhaps work better for them than just being monogamous with one of them. 

If you're interested in a healthy harem lifestyle type of thing then look up Adam Lyons on Youtube, he's one of the guys that dates multiple women(and was married and has kids with two different women) and does it from an ethical place of love and abundance. 

That is very true, the mating strategies of men and women are very different and are often in conflict as in one side has to compromise somewhat to the other side. I checked out Adam Lyons a little bit, what ive heard so far is quite interesting and he does seem to have integrity in terms of telling his partners exactly whats happening, might be a road to go down. 

 

21 hours ago, Eyowey said:

Hurting people is inevitable. Either girls get hurt by guys not sticking around. Or you get hurt by not getting all the sex you want.

Yeah there has to be some sacrifice in a relationship i dont think theres a way around it, or maybe acceptance is the better word. 

15 hours ago, John Paul said:

It’s up to you. If you just want to have fun for yourself, you can. Some other people will have fun and some other people will get hurt like you said. You may even get hurt.

or if your main concern is serious personal dev. You probably shouldn’t waste all of that time dating if you are already experienced enough to hook girls. You should spend more time on your career. If you’re rich already well… I envy you a bit lol. It’s up to you when or if you ever want to settle down and have children. At some point I’d think “pussy” would get toxic and boring.

I would actually say personal development is more important for me, Im not really into chasing women just because I dont think its worth the sacrifice, but as you do work on yourself and become a better person its inevitable you will attract more women. Definitely not rich lol but things are ok still a lot of work to do! The children thing or settling down is probably the best reason to forfeit the single life, because then it becomes more about others than yourself, which is an important step in development, not sure im quite there but its probably moving in that direction. I guess what im wrestling with is that i may not have as much opportunity to have experiences with different women if i were to settle down, but then when you do the single thing it can be somewhat manipulative even if youre actively trying not to be. Its almost as though the very nature of playing the game does create winners and losers 

[John Paul]

@Consept yeah I guess your right unless you were to move to a serious party city like Leo suggests: Las Vegas, NYC, Miami, LA or something else crazy or like a crazy college town (big city is probably better) 

[flowboy]

17 hours ago, Consept said:

To be fair i have a couple long term relationships but i didnt see them as Id be with them forever, just had too much work to do on myself. Would you settle down at some point or just keep shagging indefinitely? 

You only settle down when one woman shocks you to the core in how amazing and compatible she is with you and how much she adds to your life.

All these girls you're seeing and have been seeing, they're not good fits for you.

Just temporary stations along the way.

So enjoy it if you want, be open and above board, but in my experience, forming long term attachments with people who you know are not going to last, just creates unnecessary emotional mess to clean up.

If you are attached to your freedom, like I am, don't mistake women who are okay with letting you do whatever you want, for the right partners for you. Don't get attached to those. Don't confuse them for girlfriends. Don't settle down with any of them. They are just confused and unsure what they want, and perhaps in a phase of their life where that's fine.

Wait for the one that makes you suddenly want to willingly give up your freedom because life with her is just so damn amazing.

(there's still freedom on the other side, you just have to go through a bit of ego death)

[Consept]

5 hours ago, flowboy said:

You only settle down when one woman shocks you to the core in how amazing and compatible she is with you and how much she adds to your life.

All these girls you're seeing and have been seeing, they're not good fits for you.

Just temporary stations along the way.

Your whole reply resonates with me a lot, and me ego definitely isnt thanking you for it 

Im not sure ive had someone who shocks me to my core as you say, they never feel 100% compatible, but im not sure if thats because i havent been open to it and been defensive of my freedom or because i just wasnt who i wanted to be or they just genuinely werent compatible. 

Whats difficult is that i feel that they love me and i do love them but just something wasnt completely right. If im being honsest i did like the idea of being with someone and putting my effort into that but it always felt a bit of a paradox as i wanted my freedom and i didnt like the idea of restricting myself and having to report back to someone all the time. 

5 hours ago, flowboy said:

If you are attached to your freedom, like I am, don't mistake women who are okay with letting you do whatever you want, for the right partners for you. Don't get attached to those. Don't confuse them for girlfriends. Don't settle down with any of them. They are just confused and unsure what they want, and perhaps in a phase of their life where that's fine.

Wait for the one that makes you suddenly want to willingly give up your freedom because life with her is just so damn amazing.

(there's still freedom on the other side, you just have to go through a bit of ego death)

Yeah this rings true as well, because the women ive stayed with longer and keep contact with do let me do whatever i want and i do fall in the trap of basically having them as girlfriends even if im always above board and say that we have an open thing or a casual thing. The reality is I do like the feeling of someone caring for me, what puts me off is the conditions that care comes with sometimes. 

Do you think its even a realistic option to have a few girls that you see and care about or is this just an ego game?

[Lyubov]

@Consept I think early 40s is a good time to look for a long term partner to marry. Testosterone goes down as you age so you probably won’t be as tempted. Also you will have had a solid 20 years to build yourself up and also sleep and date a ton of women. We are gifted as guys because we can play the field longer. I wouldn’t waste that on a marriage in my 20s or 30s. To me it’s important to sleep with a lot of women and get a good taste of all that’s out there. I have a friend who is 43 who was dating a 27 yo. We as guys should not waste this. I’m perfectly fine as of now not getting married and shagging young women till I’m in my late 40s.

Edited January 18, 2023 by Lyubov

[flowboy]

41 minutes ago, Consept said:

Do you think its even a realistic option to have a few girls that you see and care about or is this just an ego game?

Yes, no reason you couldn't do that.

Do it for as long as it satisfies you.

As long as it's all above board, you can find women who are up for that.

When you feel the calling for a deep relationship, you will know it's time for a new construct.

 

Here's where my perspective comes from: I've done the casually-seeing-women for a good while, and then I started to realise I wanted something deep.

I had a whole belief system built up at that time, around needing freedom and open relationships and why that's better and great and everything.

Then, after some searching, my love presented herself.

And she didn't want an open relationship.

So I had a choice between giving up on her, or unwiring the web of beliefs I had built up.

My knowing that she was right for me was strong enough to make me choose the hard, ego death option.

Now this didn't go smoothly, it was a bumpy ride with a lot of confusion and pain and insecurity for both of us.

But after lots of time and contemplation I got to the stage where I loved her deeply enough that no part of me wanted to do anything with other women that would cause her to feel pain.

My empathy deepened.

You can't really force that, forcing it would have seemed to my younger self like a terrible restriction of freedom.

So my advice to my younger self is to not worry about it as much.

A really strong love had to come in and slowly melt me.

Can't force that.

I tried to make myself believe in monogamy before, because I thought that that was the next evolutionary step for me (Aubrey Marcus evolved from polyamory into monogamy so I thought I should)

It didn't work.

Loving someone deeply is taking their best interests as part of yourself.

That dissolves the desire to do something that would hurt them.

No need to fear that or rush that.

And then within the boundaries of what would not hurt them, you can explore your and each other's desires and fantasies.

I've found it best to first really let go of all such expectations. Then over time, as trust builds, some boundaries might widen. Or they might not.

What prevents me from feeling deprived and restricted, is not what I'm allowed to do within the bounds of my relationship, but the fact that all my desires can be talked about without judgment, and so I feel fully seen.

Edited January 18, 2023 by flowboy