She's A Mess. I'm Enlightened.

[eTorro]

Hello.

This is not a condemnation in any way.

I would like to know your opinion regarding my — bizarre and fascinating — relationship with an Arab, religious woman.

She's dysfunctional — neurosis, self-esteem issues, and jealousy. On the other hand, she has a good side too — loyalty, for example.

In the past five years, I've managed to kill off the ego — what I have left is only egoic leftovers that arise from time to time, but mostly, I finished them off (I'm rarely under the grip of my ego, and when I am, it has no power over me; I can notice how my egoic leftovers operate with clarity).

Anyways, the strange thing about my relationship is that her issues don't bother me. I'm loving in such a way that even if she's upset or sad, I can love her and be present with her, accepting her unconditionally.

Should I break up with her and find another woman? I don't plan to do that; I only want to know your thoughts on this.

Eckhart Tolle has said that those who are enlightened see the irrational behavior of other people (anger, jealousy, resentment, and so forth) as waves that touch you lovingly. Now matter how angry a person is, according to Tolle, it doesn't bother you at all.

Thanks.

[Leo Gura]

20 minutes ago, eTorro said:

Now matter how angry a person is, according to Tolle, it doesn't bother you at all.

Sounds like nonsense.

It's not so much an issue of bother, but why are you relating with someone below your standards?

Edited January 14, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Lyubov]

You have some blind spots you haven’t fully explored or resolved or you wouldn’t the choosing to be with this person. You need to ask yourself why do you choose to be with this person. What are your beliefs around this person and this relationship. 

[Michael Jackson]

56 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

It's not so much an issue of bother, but why are you relating with someone below your standards?

@Leo Gura Because Life is not a competition, and its not about how much you get out of it, but how much you give

 

[Michael Jackson]

49 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

You have some blind spots you haven’t fully explored or resolved or you wouldn’t the choosing to be with this person. You need to ask yourself why do you choose to be with this person. What are your beliefs around this person and this relationship. 

Nope. From a place of clarity and truth, any situation is just seen. There is no "choice" to be with the person, life just naturally unfolds the way it does.

[Leo Gura]

16 minutes ago, Michael Jackson said:

@Leo Gura Because Life is not a competition, and its not about how much you get out of it, but how much you give

If that's your philosophy then you can go wash a homeless man's butt hole.

Edited January 14, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Lyubov]

20 minutes ago, Michael Jackson said:

Nope. From a place of clarity and truth, any situation is just seen. There is no "choice" to be with the person, life just naturally unfolds the way it does.

Your belief is “there is no choice”

you have much more to realize 

[Michael Jackson]

13 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

If that's your philosophy then you can go wash a homeless man's butt hole.

@Leo Gura I like your sense of humor.

[Kore]

The universe has balancing forces.  The 'big' ('enlightened') and 'small' ('mess') balance each other out.  That's maybe why you are drawn to each other.  You may find that you might also go to war with each other as well as you differing or opposite perspectives.  That's normal.  The universe will maybe naturally separate you both when you are balanced out. 

Edited January 14, 2023 by Kore

[Thought Art]

Focus on finding high conscious and nourishing relationships. 

If you are making this post and asking... realize that, yeah, it does bother you.

It's okay to leave. 

Edited January 14, 2023 by Thought Art

[mr_engineer]

2 hours ago, eTorro said:

Anyways, the strange thing about my relationship is that her issues don't bother me. I'm loving in such a way that even if she's upset or sad, I can love her and be present with her, accepting her unconditionally.

Should I break up with her and find another woman? I don't plan to do that; I only want to know your thoughts on this.

Breaking up and finding another woman is a very, very tall ask in terms of lifestyle-change. So, if she doesn't bother you, why change anything?! Things just look comfy right now. Think about making changes when shit hits the fan. 

The reason for this is that you need to have a justification for her too. If she does something nasty/despicable because of her issues, or if you're able to pre-empt some bad shit happening as a result of her issues, focus on resolving those first. Then, think about breaking up. Because then, you'll have the right rationale/justification for doing so. 

Edited January 14, 2023 by mr_engineer

[Thought Art]

24 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

Breaking up and finding another woman is a very, very tall ask in terms of lifestyle-change. 

? It doesn't have to be. It's even harder to find a good woman if he just stays with this neurotic mess as he describes it. 

Like it's totally up to him.

But, it's not hard to find a value girl if you are a value guy. And, the process can be enjoyable.

 

Edited January 14, 2023 by Thought Art

[mr_engineer]

42 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

? It doesn't have to be. It's even harder to find a good woman if he just stays with this neurotic mess as he describes it. 

Like it's totally up to him.

But, it's not hard to find a value girl if you are a value guy. And, the process can be enjoyable.

There are dangers to dumping a neurotic, messy woman, actually. You don't want her to turn into a psycho ex or something, you want to preferably end it on good terms with someone who's going to take it personally. 

And, you have entanglements with such a person, you definitely have dysfunctional patterns to work with that are keeping you stuck with such a woman. 

You could be a high-value person, for sure. But, the relationship is a mess! And, the priority should not be to replace the person you're with, it should be to fix the relationship. Or else, you're not, in fact, going to get another high-value person. The next person you'll get will be even worse, in fact, if you don't change yourself first. 

This is what it takes to make changes. That's why, my suggestion is that if you're comfortable and you're not bothered by her neuroses, it's relatively trivial shit for you to deal with, don't unnecessarily do anything to rock the boat! 

[something_else]

If you are choosing to stay with a girl you don’t really like, or respect, that’s incredibly selfish. And when you combine that with talking about how enlightened you are… Well, you shouldn’t be with a girl who you consider below your standards. Let’s leave it at that

[eTorro]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like nonsense.

Yeah. It surely sounds like nonsense but it works for me.

But here's my story — I work in a restaurant with lots of clients; it is similar to a McDonald's one, so the atmosphere there is a bit stressful.

Some clients are so mean and rude that they trigger you. So I told myself that whenever I'll be triggered (it happened a few times a day) — instead of reacting — I should allow myself to feel the feeling completely, smile, and then let it go, as if nothing has happened.

I purposefully used the letting go technique in tense situations — I did that in the past four years, daily. And sometimes I deliberately annoyed my co-workers — as they reacted in a negative manner, I remained utterly calm, without being triggered at all.

Chimp behavior to me was an opportunity to deconstruct my ego — I learned how to de-energize any negative emotion, consciously, in an instant.

And now, nothing chimpanzee-like troubles me — when a person is rude, that rudeness is like a warm wave of love.

Isn't it fascinating? You can use your job to deconstruct the ego. In places with lots of people, there will be chimp behavior; your co-workers and the clients will annoy the hell out of you, so you have the greatest opportunity to evolve spiritually.

1 hour ago, something_else said:

If you are choosing to stay with a girl you don’t really like, or respect, that’s incredibly selfish. And when you combine that with talking about how enlightened you are… Well, you shouldn’t be with a girl who you consider below your standards. Let’s leave it at that

@something_else — I'm trying to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. And also, to grow; I'm developing patience even for those who are small-minded (I'm not saying that in a judgmental way).

[something_else]

1 hour ago, eTorro said:

I'm developing patience even for those who are small-minded (I'm not saying that in a judgmental way).

I don’t care how you mean it, it makes you sound like an asshole and you should know that you’re being manipulative and likely hurting this girl

[Michael Jackson]

2 hours ago, something_else said:

I don’t care how you mean it, it makes you sound like an asshole and you should know that you’re being manipulative and likely hurting this girl

To me he is not at all sounding like an asshole, but more like a really compassionate and conscious being.

[Thought Art]

@mr_engineer well, that’s not your fault if she does whatever she does when you break up. Why would you date someone who turned into a psycho because of a break out? Obviously they are already psycho. If you date someone who would explode after a break up… you gotta just pull the pin now because that’s not a relation that’s a hostage situation. 
 

Regardless there’s a lot of aspects to these things and triviality in what you do. He has to decide what he will do for himself. 
 

If he wants to stay in a toxic relationship because he doesn’t mind, or if he hopes things will change, or if he wants to leave etc that’s all good. 
 

This girl can heal. I’ve had breakups that I dealt with really badly at first. But, I know that’s what I need to go through. My neurotic anxious avoidant tendencies aren’t my partners responsibility But mine.

Notice how you are biased towards him staying with her. Why are you biased in this way? Why is staying better if not equal or worse than leaving?

I don’t know this girl. He must be a man and make his own decisions. 

Edited January 14, 2023 by Thought Art

[vladorion]

Why do you want to know other people's thoughts on a relationship you enjoy?

[something_else]

1 hour ago, Michael Jackson said:

To me he is not at all sounding like an asshole, but more like a really compassionate and conscious being.

if he was compassionate he would break up with her