Jealousy : A Major Problem!

[Falk]

I´m the center of attention, or i can imagine i am. She looks at me. I have her. I am the good looking smart alpha male ...Cool, life is great!

Then this smooth guy comes in, he hugs her. They know each other, she smiles at him, laughing, does he look better than me? he is cooler than me isnt he? She loves him!!... FUCK! This is not cool!! FUUUUCK!!!

I wanna kill this guy! Why does she love him and not me! ...Ok i give up ...Life sucks *depressed mood*

 

This is the short version, i feel like i´m emotionally retarded I know what i get triggered into thinking is 100% hightest quality bullshit, but it still happens and i get fucking pissed off!

I know for a fact, this shit is hurting my relationships!! and even flirting & trying to have fun gets quite serious and tense/uneasy unless i´m the only man she is talking to... 

I would totally choose not to get triggered like this if i could choose!! It is not that i want to think these unproductive , idiotic thoughts!!! 

So ...should i go to the gym even more often, gain more muscles, dress even better, be more witty and humorous and learn how to destroy the egos of my competetors, maybe learn some real fighting mooves so i can actually kill men who wanna talk to my girl ...or should i just try psychotherapie?  nah but seriously i tried to spice it up with a bit of humour but essentially i mean it...

[Guest Annetta]

Jealousy sucks, been there.  Experienced a lot of jealousy personally when I learned that this man I was interested in enjoys polyamorous relationships...  
You can't own people's actions - or people, they will do what they please.  Easier said in theory, but changing how you view the situation can help.
If you end up in a predicament where you feel jealous of another man, try imagining that the woman you're interested in is not right for you and the new person they have just met is perfect for them, and they can be happy together.  Imagine that this frees up space for someone who is right for you to come along - and when that happens embrace it.
Here's what jealousy looks like for the other person, if you're curious:

Every time you feel jealous, try to look into the reasoning behind why you have those feelings, they are usually about you and not about the other person, however actions centered around these feelings can drive the person you want away.  They very might well do what you fear the most and cheat on you or peace out.  Also, try to have more than one woman to choose from.  Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
 

Edited March 2, 2017 by Whywolf

[Little Plant]

12 hours ago, Whywolf said:

they are usually about you and not about the other person,

@Falk Sorry just want to correct this: "They are always about you and never about the other person". I think it is important to really understand that it's YOUR feelings. Something triggers it, but don't correct that something, correct and investigate the feeling in you. The feeling of jealousy is the same no matter what girl or situation you are projecting on to.

SO GO FIND THAT ROOT CAUSE OF YOUR JEALOUSY THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SO EXCITING!!! It is not just much easier but also the ONLY thing you can do if you want to break your jealousy.  

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!! It sound rough but actually, it is the best news you can ever get!!!! I promise you this!!

I would recommend the two or three videos Leo has on being a victim, they will help you understand how this issue can be resolved in you. nad "Understanding emotions" as well. 

Edited March 3, 2017 by BobbyEmily

[egoeimai]

You should read about esther hicks

[Annie]

@Falk Learn to love yourself first, everything else will fall into place. I know it sounds hard, I've been down that road myself (still am sometimes) but it works.

Hermann Hesse put it to the point: “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.”

Think about it, I mean be honest to yourself and really analyze the situations when you feel jealous and see if it's true. If you can find your triggers (and there might be many different ones) you're on the right track. Only when you identify the core of the problem you can work on it.

[Guest Annetta]

@BobbyEmily Yes thank you, I was trying to be gentle about it.

[Nahm]

I had jealousy really bad when I was around 19. I learned that it was because I was scared of losing the awesome feeling that I thought was coming from her. Then I learned how that awesome feeling was actually coming from me! Nowadays, I'm all about the practicing of connection with the higher self and it feels better than anything else. Align with your inner self, or inner voice. Eat the way it says, etc. Loving yourself is the answer, and loving yourself means aligning with health, etc, and a ton of other things. It's the best rabbit hole. If that doesn't work, it's likely because you are a smelly pirate hooker.

[Sevi]

@Falk I don't know where you are in your relationship but your girl has a right to know about this (I mean it's not easy to share such things but..) so she can have a chance to build intimacy with you; actually not just your feelings but also the social male climate too; so she can rank others accordingly. And if you figure out that if there is a real issue in the relationship then at least you both can map out your lifes in a realistic way so that there can still be a trustworthy common ground. Roots and causes can be very personal but in a relationship jealousy is not a solo sport.

You might like this book:

"Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures; Dr. Ayala Malach Pines"

[Guest Annetta]

@I_Like_Thing One is a long term girlfriend and the other partner is a dude.  The woman intimidates me, she has a masters in psychology, a more masculine personality and is very self-sufficient which heavily contrasts my lack of education, feminine-borderline-neutral personality and demure-shy-waif-like approach to the world.  He is a more feminine male - enfp - well-read - is however spastic and jumps from one fancy to the next - and with his choice of more masculine partners I have to ask the question, "Who then, makes the rules here?  Where is my stability?"

The father looks 100 % emotionally repressed, the mother distant, somewhat dissociated.  Am I her, then?  Perhaps...
And if that is the case - what is he recreating, with me as the third?  What is my purpose in all of this?  I'm so needy in my own ways - experiencially - joining forces with another needy individual, I've created situations where they have taken too much or I have taken too much.

And what then during moments where I am needy, will he be annoyed?

"Babe, I'm lost.  I don't know where I am - no, no, no - I don't know where that is, directions don't help.  You need to come get me!  On 3rd and what?  What?  Wait, no don't hang up the phone - your girlfriend can wait a minute, can't she?  Dude, I'm gunna cryyyyy."

"Babe, I know you're snuggling with your boyfriend right now but I'm having a flashback - I want to be snuggled."

"Babe, I don't know how to do thing - show me how to do thing - no... I don't want her help, it's fine I'll figure it out.  No no, no worries.  I got this.  Totally.
....
....
....
Babe, I think it's burned... but the middle might still be salvageable."

"Sorry, I gotta go - I had high hopes for an I Love Lucy sorta dynamic, but this more like I love Lucy, Genie and Dick van Dyke.  Parting is such sweet sorrow, however... I wish you all many... Happy Days."

[Guest Annetta]

@I_Like_Thing That sounds about right

[Guest Annetta]

@I_Like_Thing I don't really know much about thing, I know that it is another form of flow and interconnected very strongly with spirituality, but my understanding of it is very basic.  Naturally, I tend to follow my mate's suggestions and enjoy pleasing them, however my previous partner presented themselves as being very knowledgeable and experienced in life.  Instinctually I would follow their guidance, but the rules were consistently changed out of nowhere, or there was something about me that was not quite right, ect, ect and over the years it made me uncertain about myself, my abilities and my personality.  Before I met him, in my early 20's I was extremely similar in demeanor to this woman and am trying to salvage who that person used to be - because of these experiences I find myself having a hard time trusting enough to submit to another man's judgement.
I'm not sure how to reverse the effects of this relationship, the constant double binds have made me somewhat paranoid.

[Falk]

On 3.3.2017 at 1:42 PM, egoeimai said:

You should read about esther hicks

which one would you recommend to start with?

[Falk]

On 4.3.2017 at 6:28 AM, Sevi said:

@Falk I don't know where you are in your relationship but your girl has a right to know about this (I mean it's not easy to share such things but..) so she can have a chance to build intimacy with you; actually not just your feelings but also the social male climate too; so she can rank others accordingly. And if you figure out that if there is a real issue in the relationship then at least you both can map out your lifes in a realistic way so that there can still be a trustworthy common ground. Roots and causes can be very personal but in a relationship jealousy is not a solo sport.

You might like this book:

"Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures; Dr. Ayala Malach Pines"

thanks just ordered the book

[egoeimai]

AAIIG by esther and jerry hicks.

[egoeimai]

Plus "the astonishing power of emotions" apoe by the same authors

[Guest Annetta]

@I_Like_Thing To be honest with you, I'm not very intelligent - rather, trying to grow those areas; intelligence isn't something that I grade prospective mates on - my grading scale is usually:

• Are they stable?  Safe?
• Are they judgmental?
• Are they helpful, with good boundaries - can communicate directly with me about their needs and suggest ways I can be more helpful?
• Is there potential for growth?
• Do they give me a feeling that says something along the lines of, "D'awww, you're so cute and sweet and I just wanna squish your liddle face and pinch your cheeks but I'm not gunna because that would hurt, and it would be annoying - so let's do something fun instead, but be good about it because I'm kinda shy - but first... an arduous task, but mucho importante... to build a really epic blanket fort with LED string lights and a bunch of pillows, and ten-to-twenty blankets... and possibly nostalgic cartoons, but most certainly mason jars (that I painted intricate decorations on) filled to the brim with wine - or even vodka tonics... whatever tastes the best... in a fancy mason jar."
• And finally, the most important quality I look for in a mate would be and can only be described in such a scenario as, "Babe, I feel stressed out so I have this wire here - it's ethereal, kinda shiny, you can sort of see through it - anyways, I'mma plug this end in - it goes under your tongue right there and this other end goes in my left ear, and now what happens here is that the Chill Vibe Receptors™ activate through osmosis and transmogrify into a type of palatable soul food that when proper conditions allow can chill kitty chill thee thus."

[Sevi]

On 3/5/2017 at 0:24 PM, Falk said:

thanks just ordered the book@Falk

You look eager to take action on this, it's kind of rare, congrats! Then, keep in mind that, what you see can be completely different than what really is.. also remember, women are different than men, they connect to one man; they're kind of wired like that -if she doesn't have any other issues-; they are not like men. Don't mess your relation up with wrong ideas, just share your uncomfort and your needs.

[Sevi]

On 3/4/2017 at 4:44 PM, Whywolf said:

The woman intimidates me, she has a masters in

@Whywolf Sometimes you face your weaknesses simply on a forum board, which shows your strength; Sometimes a 'masters in psychology' might be a protection of your social image toward other female competitions;

What matters is the intend behind the action.

17 hours ago, Whywolf said:

To be honest with you, I'm not very intelligent -

If you are open to discuss your intelligence, you are intelligent enough.

While evaluating ourselves, rather than to be 'learned humble', we need to learn to be objective and realistic. Undervaluing ourselves as women is not a virtue or spiritual maturity, it is delusional mislead from our paths.

Love you.

[Guest Annetta]

@I_Like_Thing No worries dude! I knew you weren't making fun of me.
@Sevi Thank you for your response, you're very kind!  This particular woman seems to be very level-headed, grounded, intelligent and mature - so it's all my own baggage. (I tend to feel intimidated by women sometimes)
My intelligence is something I'm kind of insecure about - not sure if it is because I am a woman, it's something to look into for sure.  Being submissive is just an aspect of my personality - I've been very, very sheltered from the world and don't have a lot of life experience.

My dominant would have to be gentle, sweet, compassionate and someone I could look to for guidance and advice - a true gentleman.  Not so much like the classical dom that might come to mind.
---------

Some of my experiences have legitimately fucked me up for life, and it is what it is but there's just a lot to put together and it feels overwhelming to do it on my own.  So I would like to find a good mate.  I think after a period of time working on self love and compassion, getting my physical and mental health managed better that I'd be a good partner.  

• I'm really loyal 
• I'm sweet and gentle
• Kind to animals
• Creative
• Despite my place being a mess right now, I do know how to keep a clean home
• I snort when I laugh
• I'm a really good listener - really enjoy hearing people's stories
   

Let me think here... with a partner, I'd like to work on:

• Communication - I'd really like to know what's expected of me in the relationship.
• Sex - not very experienced, have hangups from traumas - subsequently body image issues - and would like to have that one partner that is trustworthy that I would feel safe with.  I feel sexually repressed and it frustrates me, but I'm also very shy so it is a ridiculous mixture...
• Anxiety might be a problem sometimes, idk - depression is easier to manage than fear.  But would like to work on that - not sure how it would interfere with maintaining a healthy partnership.  I have panic attacks a few times a month.
• Growing - learning from my mate - becoming less needy and more self-sufficient and confident in the world - don't know how to do that now, my "paradigm" bubble popped and reality feels overwhelming.  I might not act needy/clingy in a healthy relationship, though - honestly not sure.  Input, always always.  Keep that feedback loop goin'.
• Would be grateful if my partner would help to set the pacing on what is comfortable for them as well, as I tend to swing from moving too fast (very bad, always run away when I do this) or too slow.
• My mate would have to understand what dating a survivor would entail.  Subsequently, they would end up being my rock, my most cherished one.
• Finally, I'd like to get into a good routine, a nice groove.  Move through life, flow through life with a modicum of stability.

Ok... enough of that nonsense.  I'll leave it alone.

[Guest Annetta]

Someday this Velveteen Rabbit will become a real bunny, but first - addressing this field mouse bopping habit.
"Fuck you, Bunny Foo Foo."
Potential?  Maybe, wanna be an artist.  What about you, what do you wanna do?