Bipolar Disorder And The Spiritual Path

[lightnessofbeing]

Hi there ?

About 10 years ago i suffered a severe episode of depression after a series of loses that caused a protracted crisis and a lot of questioning into the nature of self and reality . Things started to feel pristine but empty of substance including myself . I experienced a shattering of the ego self and a tremendous amount of fear arose that i resisted until i didnt. It felt like dying and letting go into that great annihilating Void. Thats where Peace came and Joy came in . At that point I studied Adyashanti ,Ken Wilber , Stan Grof and othes.  Meanwile i was put on antidepressant meds for several months until something clicked into my mind and i became manic. I had effortless God consiousness ,realizing I and Everyone /Everything as That ,sleeping too little , having a tremendously hedonic energy flowing through my body , creativity etc. 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and put on mood stabilizers from then on . I have a love/hate relatioship with meds like these. From time to time i quit taking them cause i reframe my experiences as stages of the spiritual path and not psychosis .

From my ego death and on i just cant seem to be able to rebuilt a solid sense of self that can be 'normally ' functional into the society . I work from time to time , i managed to make a family , but i just cannot find the motivation to reestablish myself into the dream i left at 2012.  I just cannot believe in the solidity of the  physical world and fully engage with it as the immanent God that I Am.  Embodiment seems a great challenge and i wonder what my meds are doing for me or preventing me from doing . From time to time i just feel a pull to a great Silence where everything (incuding my child ) seem unimportant ,meaningless and second hand byproducts of the Godhead . At that point i crave for death to liberate me cause i just can't seem to be able to stay for a long time at God -Immanent mode . Again, and i conclude with a question for you all , what do you think of the psych meds and the path .For those who are taking them and pursue enlightenment: how do the benefit or not from them ? 

Thanks for reading 

[Alex_R]

watch the chanel of Bipolar Awakening by Brandon Rohe, i can testify that he is very advanced.

[lightnessofbeing]

@Alex_R thank you 

[Grateful Dead]

he is in a member here @BipolarGrowth

[Michal__]

I would recommend reading through this: https://eudoxos.github.io/cfitness/html/cfitness.html#the-progress-of-insight-map

Tell me if it rings a bell.

[Matt23]

11 hours ago, lightnessofbeing said:

i reframe my experiences as stages of the spiritual path and not psychosis .

I'm sure this is a big confusion in general and I'm not exactly sure how you differentiate the two.  I presume more advanced teachers know the difference pretty well, but as for someone who's not very advanced or who knows the spiritual terrain well, I'd say look to teachers (but also be weary and think critically since they themselves may be confused as well).

From my very limited experience, it sounds to me like you were/are experience dissociation/derealization.  Shinzen Young talks about how this disorder is the "ugly cousin" of awakening.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA

 

11 hours ago, lightnessofbeing said:

Embodiment seems a great challenge

Sounds insightful and true to me.  

I'd try more embodied practices; physical activities like tai chi, yoga, exercise, or just being in nature.  

What practices are you doing now?  Sometimes laying off spiritual practices can also help, even if it seems counter-productive.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Matt23