Girlfriend gets in the way of getting work done

[Leo Gura]

Just cause you love a girl does not mean you gotta have her in your house every day. This is not healthy.

I love ice cream but I don't eat it every morning. And if I did I would get sick of it.

If you like a girl, create space for the chemistry to recharge. It's like you're draining a battery and never giving it time to recharge.

Not to mention that as a man you got other things to be doing than babysitting your girl. You need space to work on your life purpose and she should have something she's working on too, not just middling around your house.

Obviously do whatever you want, but I would urge you to think about how you might be shooting yourself in the foot by unconsciously following the "normal" path without thinking it through. Why do you need a girl living in your house? Think about it. Is that really wise?

Edited January 12, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Tyler Robinson]

I can never be sick of a person I love deeply. 

I'm hearing for the first time on the forum that people are sick of who they are attracted to. 

Strange. 

 

Edited January 12, 2023 by Tyler Robinson

[LastThursday]

If the GF needs something to do to keep her from distracting you, then just delegate some of your work to her. Two birds, one stone.

Seriously though, either find a work space away from home, or work differently, maybe in one hour spurts or at night. Tell GF you are only distractable exactly on the hour. Or find her a day job.

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

interesting topic!
 

Ive been contemplating this for a while and when i just moved in with my girlfriend it was tough and i had all these thoughts of leaving cause its never gonna fit together. but as time passes we really managed to improve and live more harmoniously with our clashing needs and worldviews. 
we both calmed down, learned to communicate properly and learned to demand our needs in healthy and mature ways. 
in retrospect i do feel i made a huge progress - especially as a guy who grew up with very toxic parents who had a toxic relationship and that affected me deeply (my ways of relating to another and percieving relationships). 

so... i think probably if your goal is to go very deeply within yourself you would have to give up human relationships BUT reaching that state also requires alot of work prior to that, which is more about becoming mature psychologically than about awakening to your true SELF, 
make sure you handled those kind of needs and issues prior to going "all in" on awakening. 
If you feel like you still have this more basic work to do. than moving in together with a girl might benefit you more than what you percieve right now from a place of struggle. it all depands, of course, on where you are at right now. 

 

16 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Just cause you love a girl does not mean you gotta have her in your house every day. This is not healthy.

I love ice cream but I don't eat it every morning. And if I did I would get sick of it.

not a good analogy. you dont consume your girlfriend lol 
love is about respecting your need to be alone aswell - and that can certainly happen in a healthy relationship. even if you are living together. 
I know a couple living 50 years together, happy as can be, both spiritual teachers. both leading individual lives aswell as loving each other. 
its about creating a balance between I needs and WE needs. 



 

[Michael569]

20 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Not to mention that as a man you got other things to be doing than babysitting your girl. You need space to work on your life purpose and she should have something she's working on too, not just middling around your house.

I'd argue that you can do that perfectly fine while living with her. I don't know if you lived with girl before but the day doesn't really involve catering to her needs all the time. You both work on your own shit during the day and mostly just have breakfast, lunch and dinner together, cook together and hang out on weekends. Ofcourse the girl needs to have something she is working towards as well. 

You guys have distorted view of what a mutual living looks like  

[Leo Gura]

5 minutes ago, Michael569 said:

I'd argue that you can do that perfectly fine while living with her

Not if you work from home.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Michael569]

Just now, Leo Gura said:

Not if you work from home.

duuh ! But not in a tiny ass apartment.

You need to be able to both isolate yourselves if you need some headspace or focus time. Have a flat with +1 room or convert a dining area into an office or something like that. Obviously you don't want to be sitting at one table both of you doing your work. It needs a little bit of planning. 

We've been in a home-based working environment since mid 2020 and it's mostly been alright. In fact, much better than working in an office. 

But this is just one person's experience so take that maybe as a limited view. I know couples who broke up weeks into quarantine because they were not used to being together or because they shared teeny tiny flat. 

It depends on the maturity of the relationship, I guess but it can absolutely be done without compromising your growth, but maybe it is not compatible with the hardcore level of stuff you do. 

[Snader]

You definitely need to have a serious conversation with her about this and start to change your home life to other direction. Sounds harsh, but in the end you should demand the free space, even if it costs you the relationship.

With one of my ex I lived together with I had no problem with that. She respected my own time and would even kick my ass to get me more focused on my own shit, as I was bit of a pussy back then. Living together doesn't necessarily mean you need to give up your own time and space, but it very much depends on the boundaries which naturally form with some girls depending on their personality. 

I hope you two get this sorted out through talk and action!

Edited January 12, 2023 by Snader

[StarStruck]

13 hours ago, integral said:

So my girlfriend recently moved in with me its been 2 months now and i cant seem to find time to get anything done between 9am and 5 pm. Its like that entire period of time is filled with constant distraction and requests by her. Ive done my best to limit things with a schedule but its like from the moment i wake up there is "something to do" that needs my attention over and over again. The kind of work im doing requires 0 distraction, i cant multitask while thinking deeply. Like right now while typing this im being requested to go do something in the laundry room. Like... in reality there is nothing to be done... i handle maintenance perfectly on my own with out anyone's intervention to coordinate about it. We are both living in the same space and its non-stop distraction and "this thing over here has to be done now". 

So what do I do here? ?

Women are like that. If you don't tell them what to do, she will tell you what to do. And she will do it until she run you into the ground and move to the next softie to ruin his life. What she is actually doing is shit testing you. You need to draw boundaries and it seems like you don't have them because you are running around the house like a maiden lol.

You need to put your dick down and tell her how it is, and be willing to walk away. You should be the center of our own solar system, but it seems like you don't have enough gravity to put your foot down and define things how things will look like in your own house. What do you think will happen if you put your foot down?

Edited January 12, 2023 by StarStruck

[gettoefl]

separate residences is the only lifestyle worth living

dedicate the effort to see each other and keep things fresh as a daisy

i say better not to impinge on another's space and sovereignty 

my other rule for relationships?

renewal by mutual agreement every 12 months else part on good terms

[Kshantivadin]

32 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

renewal by mutual agreement every 12 months else part on good terms

that's metal bro. 

i once had an idea to put a timebomb on a relationship and make it count. like 6 months for example. 

[Devin]

@Michael569 Her having close friends and particularly nearby is usually essential as well.

 

 

Edited January 12, 2023 by Devin

[integral]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Just cause you love a girl does not mean you gotta have her in your house every day. This is not healthy.

I love ice cream but I don't eat it every morning. And if I did I would get sick of it.

If you like a girl, create space for the chemistry to recharge. It's like you're draining a battery and never giving it time to recharge.

Not to mention that as a man you got other things to be doing than babysitting your girl. You need space to work on your life purpose and she should have something she's working on too, not just middling around your house.

Obviously do whatever you want, but I would urge you to think about how you might be shooting yourself in the foot by unconsciously following the "normal" path without thinking it through. Why do you need a girl living in your house? Think about it. Is that really wise?

The reason for the move in is that is saves me time to drive around seeing her, we go to the gym 5 days a week together and she pays half the rent. I thought it would save time, im also happier with someone around.

The solution I'm going with now is a curtain around my desk to block things out, because we are working 1 meter away from each other and its a problem.

Awakening is another issue, we are both taking psychedelics every 2 weeks for spiritual reasons and doing a gallbladder cleanse together. Maybe for now this is a path that might work, im not going to get into it but yes there are a lot of issues that living alone would fix.

5 hours ago, Michael569 said:

I've lived with a girl for about 8+ years and let me tell you i wouldn't have it any other way. I absolutely love sharing our lifes together and the moments have been through will be what I'll remember when I'm dying on my deathbed.

First of all I agree with guys who say that it may slow down your progress if your aim is ultimate spiritual awakening. That's very possible, you may need to live alone for that. It may even mean you are done with dating, having a lot of sex with other women and doing pickup. Are you okay with that? Is it trade of you are prepared to take?

I don't see myself achieving ultimate awakening probably ever and I'm fine with it. Achieving high level of personal development, financial independence, great health, a healthy family and strong alignment with my life purpose is perfectly enough for me. I always wanted to have a family and if I'm lucky at least one kid. I'm gonna need a girl to live with me to do that ?

So you gotta return to what you actually want. Why did you let her move in in the first place? You have to understand that this is what many women are like. They like attention, distraction, fooling around and constantly desiring your time. But you know what, sometimes that exactly what you need and sometimes that's what makes a difference between a miserable day and an acceptable day, especially when you're having a really bad time at work or professionally. 

+ Bonus you get to have all the sex you want without needing to swipe Tinder, pay expensive dates, try to compete with other guys and do all the things guys do to get girls. I think a sexually satisfied guy is more productive guy.

With time, the two of you will learn to accept each other's boundaries and how to navigate the living together state. And from that really healthy and mature relationship can grow. Give her time and she'll learn the rules of the game and you'll learn the rules of her game. It's also important that you help her find a purpose of her own, so she feels like she can actually channel her energy towards something for me and my partner, this was a significant step forward. It's unlikely she will find that for herself.

But if it really bothers you and you cannot tolerate it, then break up with her or tell her you want to leave alone, but expect that such decision will significantly impair the health of your current relationship as she'll probably take it as a slap across the face and a betrayal - your choice. 

I would also suggest you consider rereading David Deida's book to better understand why she is the way she is. She is an emotional creature living for the moment and your relationship is significantly more important to her than to you. 

Thanks for the book suggestion and testimony?. We will learn how to co-exist in the same space, that's the plan for now.

@Devin Will check out that book as well. ?

Edited January 12, 2023 by integral

[Michael569]

6 minutes ago, Devin said:

Her having close friends and particularly nearby is usually essential as well.

oh yes absolutely 

@integral good luck. Give it time for things to settle. 

[universe]

I think this depends on the type of people you are.

Clearly this is not working how it is now, so I would either get two different rooms to work in (we use the kitchen sometimes to work in).

Or for more long time solution. From the money you save by living together rent an office space nearby. They can come quite cheap and you can also do coworking where you can network with other people.

Her actions could be an indicator that she has fear of commitment. Think anxious attachment style. But that's just a guess from afar.

[integral]

20 minutes ago, universe said:

anxious attachment style

"Someone with an anxious attachment style may worry that their partner is pulling away from them and will often take small things personally. They may also seek constant reassurance to ease their sense of uncertainty about their bond. They can also become overly attentive to their partner"

Agree with this, but she is older and studied Buddhism for 10 years, so she handles things more mature emotionally.

Edited January 12, 2023 by integral

[Lyubov]

I stay up late and let her go to bed before me. This helps. I get a lot of work done at night. I had the exact same issues when my gf and I moved in together a year ago. There are solutions. Join a co working space. That can help. Really stick to your boundaries. My gf would get kind offended when I would stand up to her constantly distracting me and asking for me to do stuff. She is unemployed too so you can imagine how much she would distract me. Spend conscious time with her and give her your all when it’s couples time but set strong boundaries for work and alone time. It will take some time to get it right. 

[Lyubov]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Just cause you love a girl does not mean you gotta have her in your house every day. This is not healthy.

I love ice cream but I don't eat it every morning. And if I did I would get sick of it.

If you like a girl, create space for the chemistry to recharge. It's like you're draining a battery and never giving it time to recharge.

Not to mention that as a man you got other things to be doing than babysitting your girl. You need space to work on your life purpose and she should have something she's working on too, not just middling around your house.

Obviously do whatever you want, but I would urge you to think about how you might be shooting yourself in the foot by unconsciously following the "normal" path without thinking it through. Why do you need a girl living in your house? Think about it. Is that really wise?

Lol don’t expect any (beautiful) woman to wanna commit to you if aren’t willing to move in together. You are right about boundaries though. You will have a surface level relationship that is going nowhere and you won't learn as much about the nature of women as you could if after a year you are still doing the "dating" thing. It's a rite of passage for going to higher tiers with women by living together and going deeper in this domain. You won't learn that through pick up. It's not necessarily the right priority for everyone or what they need though if they need more space for their career and life purpose.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Lyubov

[yetineti]

@Leo Gura

What about having kids?

So far I’m completely on board; live alone. 
 

But have you thought about kids? Can you leave that door open, and raise them in a healthy manner, without living together?

I might just be missing your point here.

[Juan]

9 hours ago, vladorion said:

He's right.

What Leo describes is an avoidant attachment style.

@vladorion  I hear you but, I felt his response was like very urgent like: “DO NOT FOLLOW THIS CRAZY MAN!” Lol, ofc I’m exaggerating the scripted dialogue here. I was making a joke in the first place, still, is ok to point out this could a limited view on Leo.