Should men talk about their feelings and express their emotions?

[Brent Rothwell]

I get confused about this because it's seen as toxic masculinity if your a guy that suppresses your feelings and keeps them to yourself but then there are other people on the internet giving dating advice saying that women lose attraction and respect if you communicate openly about your feelings or cry for example and they will end up leaving or cheating on you. So you basically need to act stoic and tough like your always in control.

And I'm a young guy so I don't have enough experience to know what's true, any advice?    

Edited January 11, 2023 by Brent Rothwell

[vladorion]

If a woman loses attraction to you because you communicate openly about your feelings then she's not really attracted to you in the first place. She is attracted to the facade that you present.

If you have to hide your feelings from your partner then your relationship is gonna be pretty superficial.

[Leo Gura]

Within reason. Don't do it more than she does. This is not a license to be a pussy.

The point is not to act like a man because you are afraid she will leave you otherwise, but to act like a man because that is how you most respect yourself and feel best.

In general, a man should not need to run to a woman for a shoulder to cry on. That's not the kind of man you wanna be.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Clabber Girl]

Women like to see vulnerability and emotion in the masculine way, not the feminine way of emoting. Being masculine doesnt mean what you think it does... Acting stoic she will sniff that out and see you are not being sincere. 

You can still be strong and masculine and express emotions.

For example, I think some of the sexiest, most masculine guys are dancers... Yes ballroom dancers. They are expressive, caring in their movements with the woman but also vulnerable at the same time. Men who dance are secure with their masculinity but also can show emotion. You can show emotion with dignity and self respect, even if its crying or hard at first.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuJ-B-NGeYc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p8ZggaGDrM

[Ulax]

@Brent Rothwell David Tian is a good resource to learn from imo. See his youtube channel if interested.

I'd also be wary. A lot of people pull ideas out of their ass when it comes to dating.

[flowboy]

15 hours ago, Brent Rothwell said:

I get confused about this because it's seen as toxic masculinity if your a guy that suppresses your feelings and keeps them to yourself but then there are other people on the internet giving dating advice saying that women lose attraction and respect if you communicate openly about your feelings or cry for example and they will end up leaving or cheating on you. So you basically need to act stoic and tough like your always in control.

And I'm a young guy so I don't have enough experience to know what's true, any advice?    

@Brent Rothwell Acting tough like you're always in control, if it doesn't match how you feel inside, is incongruent and women won't feel safe with you or trust you if you do that. Don't do that.

Don't do any acting.

There's a difference between:

1. expressing your emotions with the implicit ask for her to listen and help you feel better
2. acting unconsciously out of your emotions (being emotionally reactive, blaming/accusing etc), and:
3. being aware of what you are feeling and talking about it with her, without putting the burden on her to make you feel better, without being unconsciously controlled by your emotions

You can do some of nr 1, in my relationship we do that for each other, but it's best to make sure that it is with permission. Either implicitly or explicitly, you should have established that she has the space and energy to listen to you. If you overdo it, or are unconscious about it and demand more of this type of attention than she is willing to give, you get a dynamic where you are the needy one and the other will feel burdened and pushed away.

It's possible that there is a true incompatibility, where one partner wants to have lots of listening and caretaking of each other's emotions, and the other doesn't want so much of that in a relationship. It's a personal preference that is not right or wrong, but it needs to match. If it doesn't match, a change is needed where one person either gets a therapist or sees their friends more, or the couple seeks counselling, or they break up.

You should avoid nr. 2 when you can, because it's the cause for drama, but also beware that you can't always avoid it. The amount of this that you can't avoid, should roughly match hers, because it's a measurement of your level of maturity. It's pretty standard for people in relationships to have a certain level/frequency of drama that they are comfortable at. If you are incorrectly matched there, you won't be together long. And when it happens, introspect and learn from it together.

Nr. 3 you can do lots of, and your girl will love it. Unless she's not interested in who you are, which would make it a superficial relationship.

To sum up:

• Consciousness: practice to be aware of and take responsibility for what is going on inside you, so you can talk about it instead of act from it.
• Permission: if you have a need to be listened to or for someone to make you feel better about something you're feeling, that involves the other person expending energy and you taking it. It can be a good thing, but only if both people are up for it. Don't over-demand or unconsciously take, or you'll push someone away.
• Responsibility: who is holding space for the feelings being discussed? If you are holding space for your own feelings, you can tell her about them casually without it taking energy from her, in fact that will be attractive and positive to her. If you have a need to be made to feel better, then she is expending energy to hold space for your feelings. Learn to sense the differenc.

Edited January 12, 2023 by flowboy

[Tyler Robinson]

In order to maintain polarity and attraction, women prefer a combination of Vulnerability and strength. You have to be vulnerable enough to show that you want your woman to listen, that you need her. You have to be strong enough to show that she can depend and rely on you because you are going to be her pillar. 

If you are too masculine, she will feel dry and unwanted, rebuffed, un-needed. If you're too soft, she will feel like she can't rely on you when she needs you. 

Learn to balance both these aspects of strength and Vulnerability so you win her command as well as her trust.