Trip Goes Bad

[MihaiXx]

Hmm.. so, 

I was jerking off, I think I realised i'm jerking off at myself when Reality started to make fun of me in a playful way like: "ha, you're only jerking off at yourself" and I lost a bit of that excitement, but I was able to get excited again. Then the thought that I was only jerking off at myself kept coming up. I Was getting excited, losing it, getting excited again, losing it. Until reality started making fun of me in a more serious way. Like.. you're seriously gonna be jerking off at yourself, that's a bit sad. 

I don't know exactly how to pin point this Reality that was talking to me. It was me, it was the girl in the video, it was everything around me and it was talking to me. I started thinking "huh, this must be the downside of reality, you can only have sex with yourself and you can never share anything with anyone but yourself." 

I felt like I was one with this "Reality" that was talking to me. Reality was like an infinite intelligence, it knew everything I was thinking and couldn't make any mistakes, it was that smart, it was perfection. It was me, and, I shared this intelligence with it, and, any other qualities. It was talking to me, guiding me down this rabbit whole of Aloneness and Oneness. It told me something like "you're infinit intelligence & perfection, you can do anything, but you're alone.."

I Wanted to accept this fact but slowly went into a feeling of despair and started contemplating reality. Then it told me "all your life life experiences, everything that has ever happend, you imagined all that because you couldn't accept that fact that you were alone." Now reality was guiding me out of imagining everything and at some point I've broken out from the illusion that was my life into this 'true' reality. And this is what reality was doing, it was guiding people imagining into stop imagining and having a 'clear' view of reality.

Reality also explained reality to me, it said "Reality has no point, we (as in reality as a whole) always been trying to find a purpose but never could. Welcome to the problem we've all been forever dealing with." So I was infinite completeness, perfection, beauty & intelligence, I could do anything but I was forever Alone in this Eternal, Meaningless Oneness. I was slowly starting to lose it.

Erlier in the trip I was contemplating my life, I was thinking about all these 'lost souls', the girl I wanna be with & how i'm gonna get every single soul out the illusion of being a small unworthy human being.. And I was getting excited about sacrficing my life for this higher Universal Purpose, stopping all earthly toxic human bullshit activities and embodying the true self and set an example for everybody else. Wanted so much to embody my God-Self, to seduce my dream girl & really turn this whole planet upside down, show them what consciousness can do.

But as I was going harder and harder in my excitement about transcending reality, my mind became foggy. I started doubting is there really such a thing as a Universal Purpose? It really was like a demonic force possesed my experience & was playing with mind. Then I went on my phone and the first thing happened. 

So basically, by having this acid trip and contemplating reality, guided by 'Reality' I came to realise & break out to the Truth. Which was that the whole of existance, all people I ever experienced & all experiences I have ever had, was something I was imagining because of my desires and because I couldn't accept the fact that reality had no point and I was alone. 

It was so real, like everything 'made sense', my desire for a purpose, my desire for a woman manifested my whole life & now by having this trip I've broken the illusion and now it was all gone, I had nothing but myself.. all my dreams, all people I knew and wanted to inspire & grow together inspiring the world and making it a better place, the girl I wanted to be with.. were all illusions, were gone, and, there was no point. 

I Was imagining myself & everything in my house was imaginary, my existance was eternal & meaningless. This was the place I broken into, the 'real place' where I wasn't imagining my life & other people anymore..

I Went through despair beyond any limit. And I don't understand. What the fuck was that shit? Was any of it real? Was it partly real? Did I project my fears onto the trip and experienced them? I don't have any mental health issues. But i'm a little bit suspicious of my reality & what the truth really is. Is there really a point? Is this happening because I (as god) have desires and I imagin everything to fulfil every desire (i guess the desire for everything) but is everything a Meaningless infinitely intelligent perfect illusion?

[Pudgey]

It was your ego that made it bad. 

Once you reduce your reliance on your ego, these experiences become more deeply profound. 

This was also just a taste - psychedelics always have more to show. 

[Leo Gura]

On 1/10/2023 at 7:57 PM, MihaiXx said:

So basically, by having this acid trip and contemplating reality, guided by 'Reality' I came to realise & break out to the Truth. Which was that the whole of existance, all people I ever experienced & all experiences I have ever had, was something I was imagining because of my desires and because I couldn't accept the fact that reality had no point and I was alone. 

It was so real, like everything 'made sense', my desire for a purpose, my desire for a woman manifested my whole life & now by having this trip I've broken the illusion and now it was all gone, I had nothing but myself.. all my dreams, all people I knew and wanted to inspire & grow together inspiring the world and making it a better place, the girl I wanted to be with.. were all illusions, were gone, and, there was no point. 

I Was imagining myself & everything in my house was imaginary, my existance was eternal & meaningless. This was the place I broken into, the 'real place' where I wasn't imagining my life & other people anymore..

Yup

Quote

And I don't understand. What the fuck was that shit?

That was Awakening.

Try to see it as a positive thing.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Mips]

@Leo Gura What’s the journey/process that makes this difficult experience transform to a fulfilling positive experience with total acceptance of the facts? Is it just a matter of experiencing the awaking many times until one is comfortable with it? i.e. many 5-Meo trips?

[Leo Gura]

10 hours ago, Mips said:

Is it just a matter of experiencing the awaking many times until one is comfortable with it?

Pretty much.

But it's not just that. Lots of contemplation and integration work between awakenings.

All the work basically boils down to thousands of hours of contemplation and self-reflection. You have to carefully think through all your mystical experiences.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Bob Seeker]

You didn't awaken to the Love aspect of it though,  it seems. So you saw Truth, but not the whole Truth, so you are therefor not seeing how it is actually good and all for Love.

[Vercingetorix]

@MihaiXx Oh shit that was painful to read. Too close to the similar experience I had and that I'm trying to forget 

Ignorant is truly bliss 

[Mips]

@Leo Gura Thank you.

[MihaiXx]

1 hour ago, Vercingetorix said:

@MihaiXx Oh shit that was painful to read. Too close to the similar experience I had and that I'm trying to forget 

Ignorant is truly bliss 

Hmm.. The trip was powerful. My mind took over & I went so deep into the nature of reality where every thought I had became real and that became my experience. But now that I think about it, you can use that to your advantage.. because if every thought you have becomes reality, it means you're in control of what you experience. For ex: When I realised Reality is a Meaningless Infinitely Intelligent Perfect Illusion - I interpreted that as a Bad thing, I gave it a Negative Meaning & that's exactly what it became - I created that Negative experience. If you understand this.. 

You can literally create Anything you want. 

Imagination - This is what I've got out of this trip - I think Imagination is the secret, Use imagination to expand the perimeters of your experience. Whatever you think Impossible is now Possible (you imagine everything, right?) Whatever limitation, criticism, you realise you've been imagining that the whole time.

I'm planning to imagine a whole new reality out of scratch, Why limit yourself? I'll imagine new ways of doing everything, new ways of being, new better ways of expressing myself, I'll imagine better relationships & better people in my life. I can imagine it's christmas everyday & that becomes my reality.. can you see how this works? There's no limit to what you can imagine.. It's Amazing! 

 

 

[Thought Art]

Wait till you realize that jerking off to yourself is perfect lol

[Alex_R]

next time do it while listening to this audio

 

 

 

you will find yourself

[BlessedLion]

4 hours ago, MihaiXx said:

I'm planning to imagine a whole new reality out of scratch, Why limit yourself? I'll imagine new ways of doing everything, new ways of being, new better ways of expressing myself, I'll imagine better relationships & better people in my life. I can imagine it's christmas everyday & that becomes my reality.. can you see how this works? There's no limit to what you can imagine.. It's Amazing! 

 

Not such a bad trip after all, hey? 
 

I would kill for an experience like that. This is what my trip tomorrow is dedicated to, awakening deeper. You took something awesome and made it horrible 

[ZenSwift]

This kind of trip report worries me so much when it comes to motivation for life purpose.
Like, will I loose the ability to be a lean, mean, machine?

Only one way to find out...

Edited January 13, 2023 by ZenSwift

[Alex_R]

4 hours ago, ZenSwift said:

This kind of trip report worries me so much when it comes to motivation for life purpose.
Like, will I loose the ability to be a lean, mean, machine?

Only one way to find out...

I use to have the same thoughts but after +15 trips and hundreds of hours watching non duality content my Energy and motivation is still the same, the Ego will always kick back harder no matter how much you push it.

[iboughtleosbooklist]

Beautiful thread. I had the same experience and it was extremely destabilizing tbh. I've completely changed. I quit all sports, friendships, work, basically everything which was causing me suffering. I realized that I'd always been suffering and the only reason I could handle it was my belief in 'other people' and the finiteness of mortal life. When you realize that you've existed forever, alone, it's like... Damn. I wouldn't say that reality is meaningless though, it's really cool how pre-awakening you get to experience duality, other people, novel experiences, and post-awakening you get to experience a life free from suffering, lack of fear, immortality, and get to enjoy new daily insights from the actualized forum :P. You're alone but not lonely.

[Thought Art]

when you have a deeper love awakening instead of judging the jerking off you will say to God "Thank you, thank you, thank you" and mean it. deeper than you've ever meant anything.

But you won't be saying thank you for jerking off

but, for infinity, for love.

[BlessedLion]

In my experience the deeper I go into Truth the more motivation and fire I have to live life fully and with passion. 

[Aaron p]

@MihaiXx just like going to the gym bro, be able to tell the difference between good pain and bad pain. If you want to tear down the muscle to allow it to build back stronger, expect pain. But try to remain vigilant about the difference between your mind being broken down in a healthy way, or your mind breaking in unhealthy ways. u don't Wana stretch a muscle <3