Memento Mori

[OnceMore]

You clicked on here because of my fancy title?  

It means something like "Remember you must die".

I got it from reading Steve Jobs' biography, where the author at some point went off on a tangent and started explaining that, as a general/gladiator returns from battle being victorious, he would be paraded around his city. And as this was happening, as he was being applauded and serenaded by all the crowds that have gathered to congratulate him, a servant was stationed behind him and was instructed to repeat "Memento Mori". 

Wow! That's cool. 

 

Anyway, this is gonna be my all-purpose journal. I'm unsure on how to go about journaling, what structure to use etc., so I'm just gonna wing it for a little while and see what happens. It's most important that I'm actually starting to journal!

I've been depressed for about 2 years now, but I really want to get out of this!

Reasons for why I believe I'm depressed:

1. Have no sense of purpose/meaning in life. As in, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing, and this has really been getting me down. I've done Leo's life purpose course, but didn't find my purpose. I believe I need to actually experience more of life before I have a life purpose. 

2. Have lost all of my friends and have no close connections anymore. I need to work on this. 

3. No girlfriend, and never had one before. I need to work on this at some point, but it's not a pressing issue for me. There are other things I need to work on. 

4. I'm unhealthy as fuck. I've started working out, but I need to make this an everyday sort of thing. I also eat like shit, which needs to stop if I'm to live up to my values. 

5. I waste a lot of time. I watch too much TV, movies, youtube, and porn. 

6. I have a heavy porn & masturbation addiction. I need this to stop, as it wastes so much time and makes me feel like an imposter. Maybe just do it once a week or something. 

7. Have a horrible self-sabotaging voice in my head. I'm naturally a positive and optimistic person, but for the last couple years, I've been crippling myself with that stupid devil chattering on inside my head. I need to quieten that voice down a few notches. 

 

So I'm gonna attempt to combat this by first getting my immediate life in order. i.e Sleep well, exercise regularly, meditate everyday, clean up my diet etc. 

 

I'm also currently a university student, so as well as getting my immediate life in order, I also have the goal of getting a First in my degree (Mathematics).

 

Habits I'm to tick off everyday:

Morning habits: 

Meditate (20 mins) / Exercise (1 hour) / Take Vitamins / Read Me Sheet / Be Grateful / Get Inspired!  

Evening habits: 

Meditate (20 mins) / Journal. 

Do-anytime habits:

Study Mathematics / Read a book. 

 

Anyway, lets see how this goes.

...

 

Edited March 2, 2017 by OnceMore

[OnceMore]

Entry #1

Did all of my morning habits except for exercising. Gotta fix that. 

Got my haircut and had a shave! Feel like a brand new man. 

Studied maths for a few hours. Got caught up on all of my notes from my courses, which is great because it took weeks for me to finally do. Only problem is that there is just so much material to cover, in such little time. 

Started reading a new book today: The Way of Zen, by Alan Watts. So far it's extremely interesting. I usually just read biographies, but this is the first book on Zen Buddhism that I've bought, and I think it's going to be a great read. 

Started the day off in a pretty ok mood, but now currently I feel a little down. I'm gonna do my final meditation session of the day after this, and hopefully I'll feel a little better after. 

Slept well last night. Best nights sleep in a very long time, I think. Only once I woke up in the middle of the night, usually it's 2 or 3 times. 

Heres hoping for another good nights sleep!

 

 

[Time Traveler]

Keep going !

But don't try too much simultaneously, cause all these things uses willpower and willpower ir limited resource.

[OnceMore]

Entry #2

The last few days have been absolutely terrible for me, in terms of my diet and exercise. Pretty much neglected a good bunch of stuff on my habits list. 

However, today has been (almost) perfect!!!

Woke up at 5am, feeling fresh and ready, went to the gym at 5:30am, and did a chest workout for about 45 mins and a little cardio. 

Had eggs and bacon for breakfast when I got back, with a healthy green smoothie. (bacon is not good, I know)

Did my morning routine. The meditation was peaceful this time (usually rather difficult, as theres a lot of noise around me, being in London and all)

Studied some multivariable calculus for like 3 hours, before having a bowl of fruit and some nuts.

Went out to Starbucks and read my book (stopped reading the way of zen as I got really bored. So I've started on Sam Harris' 'Waking Up', which I'm flying though), before going to my lectures for the day. I really like Sam Harris' writing; it's wonderful to read and so clear. I used to be an advocate for everyone becoming an atheist, as I saw it as the only 'logical' conclusion to go with, but the last year I've changed my mind on that, and sort of think that a world full of hardcore atheists would be a pretty grim place, due to the lack of spiritual connection nearly every atheist has. Hopefully this book makes it out to people of that type. 

For dinner I had Salmon, piled next to a whole lot of veggies. (I really need to learn to cook though. My cooking skills are tending towards zero.)

Just now I've finished up my couple hours of work on Analysis. 

After journaling I'm gonna go and hang with my flatmates for a while, before going back to my room for the last meditation session, and then bedtime!

 

Other comments:

I always have an apprehensive and anxious feeling when I go to my lectures; I know I have no friends on my course. I wish I took the time and courage to make good friends with people on my course at the early stage. I can be a little moody at times, and the first week the course started I was in one of those moods, and just stayed away from everyone and preferred to be on my own. But the thing is that now everyone has their own little 'clique', so it's way harder to make friends. It's my own fault. 

 

I watched a Warren Buffett documentary like two days ago. He told a story (among many others) of the time where Bill Gates' father asked both himself and Bill, "What is one word that best describes what has helped you the most?". Both men replied, "Focus". I thought that was pretty amazing; Steve Jobs raved about the exact same thing when he was around, apparently. 

He also gave this careers advice: "What job would you do if you didn't need a job?". I've never seen my situation in that way, but I jotted down some ideas: 

1. Work in renewable energy / energy industry / clean & cheap energy

2. Travel the world and teach english (TEFL; google it)

3. Work in space industry / aeronautics industry

4. Creative writing / screenwriting for movies and films

Those were just some ideas. I liked that question. 

I thought the documentary, in general, was very good. I knew him to be a humble man anyway, but you gotta see the documentary to know more, for sure! He seems very frugal. Just a guy who likes numbers. 

 

Also watched a Sadhguru video, where a young man asks what he should do with his life. Sadhguru basically replies by saying that he should first ask himself, "what does the world need most right now?"

I answered that question with cheap & clean energy. 

Maybe this is a possible life purpose? I should do more research! Noted.

Edited March 6, 2017 by OnceMore

[OnceMore]

20 hours ago, Time Traveler said:

Keep going !

But don't try too much simultaneously, cause all these things uses willpower and willpower ir limited resource.

Very good point!

It does take some effort, especially in the morning. Even something as simple as reading my 'Me Sheet' becomes a serious event. 

 

[OnceMore]

Entry #3

Today, managed to do everything I intended on doing except for working out in the morning. I was meant to wake up at 5am; the alarm went off at 5, hit snooze, and kept hitting snooze till 8am

Went out for a lovely walk around London from 10:30am till 12pm. The sun was shining, and there was a hint of cold in the air, so it was a perfect combo for me  I felt really great in general. Started taking a vitamin B complex pills, maybe it's enhancing my mood. 

Did quite a lot of studying today; covered most of this week on multivariable calculus, but I'm looking to finish the whole thing tomorrow. 

Spent a few hours just chilling with flatmates. Probably too long. I felt like I should be doing some work, or something productive, after like a couple hours, but stayed sitting down. 

Now I'm gonna finish up here and watch some football 

The days are getting repetitive. I need to spice it up somehow...

 

[OnceMore]

Just fapped. 

Fuck. Sake. 

Couldn't even make it 3 days. 

[OnceMore]

Entry #4

Very shit and sucky week. All down to me though. I think I tend to blow things way out of proportion; I reckon I probably got this trait from my mom and my dad. Whenever something small happened, they would just go crazy as if the world had ended. Seems that I've took on the same sort of thing. At least I'm aware of it, though. That's a good first step. To just be aware of the negative habit. 

Another negative habit I have is jealousy and envy. Which I know for sure I got from my mom and other members of the family. Not so my dad. My mom always talked (and still talks) about other people as if they really, truly matter to her. Always saying stuff about what other people are doing. Who they're going out with. What they got going on with their lives. What university they're at. Is that university better than x's university. What job this or that person has. How much they're making. Blah blah blah. My aunt is very much the same. They like to ask me questions about people I haven't seen in years (like 5 years). They love comparing and gossiping, and they do it a lot whenever I'm around. 

But I've found perfect solutions. I can't believe its taken this long! Got some of this from Sam Harris' book 'Waking Up'

First, be aware of my feeling of jealousy and envy when and as it arises. Sort of like the problem of blowing things out of proportion, just 'noticing' the feeling will be a good first step, rather than taking on that feeling as if I am that feeling. I've been doing this lately and it has worked wonders. You sort of just laugh how stupid it can be. Jealousy? Haha

The problem to listening to jealous and envious gossip from my family will be easier to solve. Just walk out the fucking room. Just walk right out. I'll tell them first, that if they ever start gossiping or talking shit like that again, I will just walk out. So when they actually see me do it they can understand. Maybe this may let them question what the benefit of all this gossiping is. But man, its empowering to realise how much power I have. Even something as small as just walking out the room is huge. 

Anyway, had a sucky week.

But we go again!

 

Edited March 11, 2017 by OnceMore

[OnceMore]

Entry #5

I've realised how addicted I am to media and screen time. It's actually ridiculous. I know Leo talks about thinking/doing vs. being and all that, and when I heard it I was like "Yeah, I'm addicted to thinking/doing, for sure", which is a good first step, but now I realise a little more how addicted I am. It's absolutely uncanny. It's almost indescribable. Whenever I have a spare minute or two, what do I do? Boom! Get on my phone and check social media, if that's boring then check sports news, if thats boring then check world news, if thats boring then check actualized.org etc. And this happens all the time! It's happening everyday, and it's been happening ever since I was like 15. I can't stand just sitting there. I feel like I'm missing out on something. So I go on Youtube and watch wherever mindless bullshit that I see first, knowing full well that this will not benefit me. I watch so many sports games. Why? Probably because I use it as a crutch and leave my shitty life for a few hours. But that's also why I constantly check my phone: so I can get away from my life for a few minutes at a time. Exactly the same for TV shows and Movies. 

But I'm also addicted to self-help and PD material. Reading books and not taking action. Watching documentaries and not taking action. Going on this site and just procrastinating; it's no different from going on some bullshit sub-reddit, most of the time. I'm just doing this to justify growth, when it's not growth at all. It's stagnation. 

Which begs the question: What was my life like before all this shit?

Which leads to the questions: What was life like before technology, when people didn't have the choice to consume media? What did people do when they weren't needed to do anything?

So this is what I'm going to do, as a start: Whenever I have a spare minute or few minutes, I'm not going to just pull my phone out and start scrolling like a mindless monkey like I usually do, instead I'm just going to sit there. Just sit there, and see what happens. I imagine this will be difficult, because this is of course an addiction. I'm going to limit my sports matches to just one per week (that's a toughy). 

This is a much larger problem than I can probably fathom. Nearly all of society is like this, but they don't realise it. I sit down with my flatmates sometimes to eat dinner, and whenever there's a spare moment where it's just silence and nobody is talking, guess what happens? EVERYONE GETS ON THEIR PHONE!!! And what are they doing? Well, they're doing exactly what they did the last ten trillion times this situation has popped up: they just scroll, and keep on scrollin' (I bet a company like Facebook would love to come up with a song entitled 'Keep on Scrollin').

Time to get back to that place in my life where I never needed any of that stuff. What a joyous moment that will be!

We go again!

[OnceMore]

Entry #6

I've been thinking about the education system here in England recently. There's always lots of stuff changing with regards to it, and it seems the powers above that handle this stuff can't agree on anything. Lots of regulations and systems are integrated which often hinders and alienates the teachers, which in turn affect the kids deeply. Regulating constantly can leave teachers disconnected from their students. How can the teachers do their jobs effectively if they don't know what is going on with regards to their profession? It seems to me that there is a taboo against getting 'too close' to students. I don't mean physically; that stuff is obviously disgusting, and the teachers that are engaged in that behaviour should be punished accordingly. I mainly mean on a sort of emotional level. Whenever I think back to when I was at school, the people who had the greatest impact on me were not my family or friends (although there was impact there, just not positive), it was actually certain teachers I had, that took the time to give me advice and wisdom that was out of bounds from what the regular teacher these days cannot do, as they're afraid they'll be punished by their superiors if found out. It's a shame, because these sorts of bonds can be so amazing, and can bring relief to a student who otherwise has no positive influences from his/her home life. 

 

Have also been thinking about what I don't want from life. At this current moment, with the current psychology that I have (but that's constantly changing thanks to the self-actualised life), I do not wish to ever get married or have kids, and I do not care for hoarding massive amount of material things. So, because I have no need for these things, what am I to do? It seems that the society/culture that I live in try to persuade you to go deep in to these exact two things! So what happens if I were to take away these two things? What's left? The answer I currently have is: to just go out and live a life where I'm helping people, whatever that may mean to me. Doing a job where I'm helping reduce suffering, because I have seen that out there in some parts of the world. Suffering is super real for people. It's horrible to see. 

 

Update on my daily habits: I've been doing everything except for working out on a regular basis in the morning, which is my big one. It's very sporadic. Part of the solution to this is just getting to sleep at a good time, and therefore waking up at a good time, where I have no real excuse not to go to the gym. 

 

We go again!

 

[OnceMore]

I want to share these gems here:

 

 

 

 

 

[OnceMore]

Entry #7

So I've been feeling very depressed, anxious, and even suicidal recently, and decided to do something about. That 'something' was to read  book entitled 'Reasons To Stay Alive', by Matt Haig. I want to share some of the quotes that I thought were cool, and other things from this book. 

"One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it. So if I could have only known the future, that there would be one far brighter than anything I'd experienced, then one end of that tunnel would have been blown to pieces, and I could have faced the light."

"Words - spoken or written - are what connects us to the world, and so speaking about it to people, and writing about this stuff, helps connect us to each other, and to our true selves. Words, just sometimes, can set you free"

'But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself' - Albert Camus, A Happy Death. [Since my top value is indeed Courage, I guess I have no choice but to stick around for a while]

"I think life always provides reasons to not die, if we listen hard enough"

'. . . once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about' - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Some reasons to stay alive: 1. You feel that you're alone, but you're actually in good company. Some of the greatest heroes of this planet have been through this. 2. Things probably won't get worse. You want to die; that's as worse as it could perhaps get. It's only up from here. 3. The hope that one day you'll experience joy that matches this pain.

Running is a common weapon against depression and anxiety. Other weapons include writing, reading, talking, travelling, meditation, yoga, gratitude, laughing, purpose/mission. 

Some people who've suffered from depression/anxiety include: Buzz Aldrin, Jim Carrey, Winston Churchill, Stephen Fry, Jon Hamm, Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Stephen King, Abraham Lincoln, Sir Isaac Newton, Al Pacino, Teddy Roosevelt, Robin Williams, Woody Allen, Julian Assange, Christian Bale, Marlon Brando, Louis CK, Bill Burr, Bob Dylan, Eminem, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, Mike Tyson etc.

 

A little on Abraham Lincoln, who was known as someone who had major and deep, dark depressive episodes: 

". . . depression forced Lincoln into a deeper understanding of life. He insisted on acknowledging his fears. Through his late twenties and early thirties he drove deeper and deeper into them, hovering over what, according to Albert Camus, is the only serious question human beings have to deal with. He asked whether he could live, whether he could face life's misery. Finally he decided that he must. He had an 'irrepressible desire' to accomplish something while he lived."

He seemed a serious person to me. One of the great people of history, from what I know and read of him. His knowledge of his own suffering seems to lead to the empathy he showed when trying (& later succeeding) to abolish slavery. 

Lincoln is not the only famous leader to have battled depression; Winston Churchill lived with the 'black dog' for much of his life, too. 

"Watching a fire, he once remarked to a young researcher he was employing: 'I know why logs spit. I know what it is to be consumed.'"

Churchill did not 'overcome' depression to become a good war leader, rather that he became a good war leader because of his depression. 

The lesson here: Lincoln & Churchill didn't do great work because they solved the problem of their melancholy; the problem of their melancholy was all the more fuel for the fire of their great work. 

So, even if depression is not totally overcome, we can learn to use what the poet Byron called a 'fearful gift'. We don't have to use it to rule a nation, like Lincoln or Churchill. We can just use it in ordinary life. For instance, being aware of our mortality can make us steadfastly determined to enjoy life where life can be enjoyed. 

'And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on' - Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

 

Some reasons to continue on: Still need to see the Aurora Borealis. Still need to visit Iceland, China and Japan. Music (i.e Hans Zimmer). Sunny mornings. 

Things that help: Getting enough sleep. Mindfulness. Exercise. Yoga/Meditation. Sunshine. Slow breathing. Reading. Writing. Eating healthily. Cool movies. Good music. Going for a long walk. Helping people. Acceptance. 

 

'Put your ear down next to your soul and listen hard' - Anne Sexton

[OnceMore]

Entry #8

Well, the last few weeks have been a devastation of utter, utter mediocrity. No work has been done, which I should be doing as I have exams in less than a month. Haven't been meditating. Haven't been exercising. And I've been eating like shit. I've been masturbating profusely, and I'm ashamed of myself because of it. I've been wasting time by watching bullshit on YouTube and Netflix. I've also been wasting time by thinking pointless stuff, and then choosing to fixate on this stuff (mainly from my past, which I'm having a hard time accepting). This has been my behaviour for the last two years now, and it's absolutely shameful and disgusting. Not because there's anything 'Truly' bad about any of that stuff, it's just that all of that stuff is 100% against my values. I feel like shit, and even more so, I feel like a failure. I know I have great potential to do some really great stuff (I've seen this potential before, that's why I believe in it), but my level of self-sabotage is unceasing. And it's just horribly shameful. I'm living a lie. 

Yet, I'm still alive, so we go on. 

On the good side, I've just read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy!, and want to post some of the things that I've got from it. I doubt they'll be useful to others, but may be to my future self. 

While reading this book, I had a truly profound realisation. I call this 'profound', because it stuck me that this thing I've been believing for years isn't true at all. The belief I had for years was "I don't care what people think of me". But reading this book has made me question my actions, and I've realised that, oh man, I care more about people's opinions than perhaps anybody I know! I've always thought that I'm focusing on myself, but I'm not at all. Not even a little bit. I've realised that I have not been focusing on myself or my own needs. I've been focusing on the needs and wants of my family and friends, even friends who I haven't talked to in years (this is done by me just thinking of how they'd approve/disapprove). I care so much of their approval and good praise that I am self-sabotaging my own future. It seems that I'm still the little boy who is clutching on, so very hard, on to my family and friends. I need to find a way to just surrender finally and let them all go. I guess this could be done by just taming my mind to not think of my past friends anymore. They don't matter anymore. That time is long gone. There are plenty of other people on this planet who I can call on to be my friend. Go out and befriend them. Let go of my family by becoming financially independent, as that is what I realise is the catalyst for this overthinking on the family side of this. 

The amount I lie is absolutely insane. I lie about EVERYTHING. And I do this because I want to seek approval from others. And so I try to hide my (perceived) flaws and mistakes. And I'm very creative with the lies that I come up with. I'm a truly dishonest, and secretive person. The sad thing is that I hardly realise this. It's become so habitual that I don't even realise what I'm doing. I need to fix this. 

 

[OnceMore]

Something I've learned: 

I'm a truly, horrible person. And I fucking hate myself. I don't know why I keep self-sabotaging. I want to improve. But I keep doing the opposite, because I'm a stupid idiot. 

[OnceMore]

Mistakes I've made and how I self-sabotage:

1. Lying. I lie so much. About big thing and even petty small things. It has ruined my life. If you're reading this, please try not to lie. It'll kill you off in the long run. I lie about me, my life, how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, why I'm doing something / why I'm not doing something. I lie pretty much about everything. 

2. Not working hard. I've slacked off 99.9% of the time in my life, doing pointless shit. 

3. Not taking action. 

4. Wasting time. 

5. Zero discipline. 

6. Not taking full ownership of my own life, and being a victim. 

7. Not socialising and connecting with others, thus becoming a lonely bastard. 

8. Not being optimistic enough (even though it's one of my values)

9. Caring what others thing. This is a big one. And will kill you. 

10. Wasting money. 

11. Forgetting my friends  Forgetting my family  And now they've all moved on, getting married etc. And I'm here, failing and failing and failing and failing etc. I've burned all of my bridges  I wish I knew back then that life is fucking toughhh without some community of people rallying around you when shit goes down. 

 

I'm pretty angry at myself currently, for good reason I think. And this depression is going away any time soon I think. The foreseeable future seems pretty bleak...

Edited May 13, 2017 by OnceMore

[Timotheus]

Don't beat yourself up so badly. You cannot control everything. Things will change for the better, just be patient.

 

[tyy]

Dissolution is needed for growth to happen. One can't happen without the other. Those are pretty much Eckhart Tolle's words. Go with the flow and accomplish a little at a time and things will change @OnceMore

[OnceMore]