Microdose cannabis experience and anxiety.

[The_Searcher]

Hey, I had interesting experience yesterday on cannabis. I feel my anxiety and cannabis is connected. I'm trying to kill two birds with one stone here by talking about the experience and anxiety. I will have few questions, because I seek outside perspective, but feel free to add your own insights. Any help is appreciated. 

Background
I smoked weed on occasion like 4-3 years ago. It always made me introspective, and made me a little anxious from the beginning of each experience. It felt a bit psychedelic, I wouldn't call it chill drug. When I used weed my thoughts naturally went to more existential and self development topics. In that time I was in a stressful but relatively good mental state it felt steady. Being aware of existence felt good. Until I got to college, stress was building up, anxiety too. In that time I had bad edible experience I had a panic attack. We have to keep in mind that I had panic attacks before and I dealt with it few years back. Going to college my anxiety worsened and started having panic attacks, at that time I quit weed entirely. My view on existence turned from bliss to "I don't even want to look at it". I got to the point where I was so anxious that I sometimes felt like for example car headlights had eyes, and other weird manifestations. But I was conscious that it's not true and it's mind weirdness in the experience itself. Like with cannabis sometimes I felt like I don't know where I am but I do know where I am.

So I tried few times to come back to weed. Started form CBD. I had anxiety even before using CBD and during. Until I get used to it and I feel relatively fine, I still do feel some anxiety. Let me explain why I fear it so much. I feel like I don't want to be present, or introspective because it brings existential dread mentioned above. I don't like to be trapped in bad experience I don't want, learnt from my panic attacks and anxiety. And I had grandfather who had delusion disorder, so I'm worried that weed or psychedelics can induce psychosis or schizophrenia. My experience with car eyes that I told didn't help.

Present
I feel much better now, I don't have panic attacks and excessive anxiety because I'm currently not stressed. I still dealing with it.

Experience

Yesterday I used  just a little amount. I don't know if I was even high. I was so anxious to do it, but did it anyway. I feel like I approached my anxiety differently then I did, I let it in, did not fight it, just watched with minimal judgment. Insight came that that's not weed that makes me anxious, that's me. I felt anxious but in a better way, like overcoming fear. Then I felt like I am not what I am. I felt like I was identifying myself to a feeling, like that existential dread is apart of me. And I started to feel more like when I was a kid. It felt good but also scary, because I was l losing myself by losing that dreaded feeling that I identified with. 

After effects
Few hours later, in the evening I noticed that my mind is clearer than ever, more intuitive, faster, structured. It was like I had more RAM and better processor. I remembered that I had this mind, but it got lost somewhen. I started taking some supplements for my mental performance a week ago, but I noticed that after my weed experience. So I don't know if it was supplements or my experience somehow affected it. I would assume experience but I don't know fully.

My questions
Q1: What really happened when I seen eyes on cars? Should I be worried? Is this could mean I have predisposition to psychosis or other mental disease?
Q2: Why I started changing my view on existence in such limiting way and started identifying with it? Anyone dealt with that?
Q3: Why my anxiety felt not that bad when I used weed? Because I welcomed it? If then why it's so much harder to welcome in other situations or on other things?
Q4: Do feeling like not myself is normal? Is that some kind of growth/healing I did?(it did feel like so)

After thoughts
It feels weird to talk about it. I'm still trying to put pieces together, that's why I'm asking perspectives from the outside. Thank you!

[Human Mint]

Interesting... probably the combination with supplements, but hard to know for sure. It seems you are finding a balance, keep experimenting with it.

On 8/1/2023 at 11:04 AM, The_Searcher said:

Q2: Why I started changing my view on existence in such limiting way and started identifying with it? Anyone dealt with that?

More common than not, that's like everybody's condition to experience. That's why we discuss how to gain insights so much, that's why we share insights too, to become a little bit more limitless and change unconscious trajectories.

On 8/1/2023 at 11:04 AM, The_Searcher said:

car headlights had eyes

I always liked to see faces in cars, didn't we all?

Edited January 12, 2023 by Human Mint

[vishnusavestheday]

On 1/8/2023 at 6:04 AM, The_Searcher said:

My experience with car eyes

 

2 hours ago, Human Mint said:

I always liked to see faces in cars, didn't we all?

Haa cars are the insectoid carapaces of our Earth hive

[The_Searcher]

On 1/12/2023 at 6:59 AM, Human Mint said:

More common than not, that's like everybody's condition to experience. That's why we discuss how to gain insights so much, that's why we share insights too, to become a little bit more limitless and change unconscious trajectories.

Well I am glad I'm not alone. Weird how mind tends to limit itself. 

On 1/12/2023 at 6:59 AM, Human Mint said:

I always liked to see faces in cars, didn't we all?

Nah, for me kind of weird not in a good way.