Seeking perspectives & advice on my life path (currently in limbo)

[Loving Radiance]

Hello dear community,

 

This topic could also fit right in the Personal Development section, but I feel I mainly need experienced and wise perspectives on that matter regarding creating my life. I invite those of you to comment here who went through a conscious decision to create your life despite fear.

Please look over my rather spiritual-feeling descriptions if they bug you. It is how I relate to myself and how I can accurately describe where I am in life.

I made the most important points bold.

 

Background and values:

Currently, I am in a position in life where my biotech studies (14-15 months left) don't interest me anymore, and I want to live in a SD Green community. Notice that I never did such drastic shift in my life, as I was always playing the game of the social matrix.

I chose my studies on autopilot because biology was something I was interested and good at in school. During my studies, my interest shifted to psychology and all the stuff Actualized.org is about.

During my studies my main focus became personal development and I explored many SD Green training and retreats, primarily about psychology, emotions, needs, shamanism, neo-tantra. I too got into psychedelics till I had traumatizing experiences 1.5 years ago which lead to depersonalization-derealization which is present for me each day (but I become better in stabilizing it).

I am now 24 years old and feel that I wasted the last years, which also includes having been overly cognitive with contemplating actualized.org topics and less putting my vision and LP out there. I haven't even come to my LP, despite having Leo's LP course. I feel guilt and shame in that regard. Like a “looser” living in their mom's basement smoking weed for years.

This New Year's I was at a SD Green gathering (like a small co-created festival for community and inner work) which made it clearer to me that I am not interested anymore in my studies. This internal knowing already came up when I started my research internship in a lab 3 months ago and noticed that the lab environment is not for me (sterile, constant medium ventilation noise, highly cognitive peers, in the city center). Even though I am surrounded by PhD's and post-docs and knowing that not everybody needs to be at their level, I too noticed that I'm not that intelligent in this conceptual-intellectual area. My intelligence lies more in the human mind, seeing where people are and relating to humans. Being led by intuition in creating internal understanding in other people.

This Green gathering brought about an inner shift. It's like a primordial energy was awakened in me and all ungrounded things in my home were thrown into the air, creating chaos. It feels like my plans and values about my life have been busted, and I got to integrate that and orient myself now in limbo. This orienting is not intellectual but rather more subconsciously going on and the only thing for me is to take everything in and become still. I know that eventually something will arise from this, and till then I'm introspecting and contemplating small things of how to move forward. Still, there is the German conditioning urging me to know where to go and create a plan. This conditioning goes against the internal resting and quiet incubation, which also includes going and exploring the world, not knowing what may come next. Right now, I continue life and I'm acting as if this inner shift hasn't happened, but I know that it cannot go on this way. I would go against my integrity.

I like to connect my inner personal development work to being in community and I want to have the feeling of directly contributing to the community. Through that I want to serve and lift them up, empower them and for them to share that vision of empowerment and unshakable drive and love for the world, resulting in a tiny level-up for the whole globe.

 

Future considerations and financial position:

I can continue my studies, knowing that I don't like to work in that field after graduation. It would be a source of income after graduation. I am on that path right now.

I like to go into psychology, but I imagine that it may be just another lifeless topic without the real human aspect. So, I don't want to be a therapist. In the past, I liked to coach people and lead them to healthier perspective. But there are already enough coaches out there. I judge that most of the actualized people who share their LP here fall in a trap of becoming coaches, like it being the most no-brainer way of doing life with the actualized knowledge. Most of my friends that I got to know through actualized are coaches.

Still fresh in my mind: I'm creating small plans of quitting my studies, learning PHP coding in a month (read about it here), earning money and just working 2h a day for a comfortable income, and exploring what I want to create in my life while being able to work remotely. However, I didn't like coding in school and would just do it for the money.

I already ate up thousands of € during my studies and I still have 7k € left.

It feels childish and naive of me to ask and show my position here, considering that on paper it isn't thought-out and time-wise quite fresh to seriously think about it.

I already shared this with the gathering organizer and my coach (both SD Green). They encouraged me to follow that inner knowing and go out of the mainstream system (biotech). To let go of my hard thinking and let in a softness and ease of creating my life and letting go that neurotic controlled & planned-out-life urge. They have a good grasp on identity and community. Their bias is that they made drastic changes from a stuck Orange position over to a Green lifestyle and are now giving sessions to people, be it tantric massage, sex coaching, or astrology reading.

I ask you to share your perspectives. I don't plan to literally follow advice, but I like to be influenced in my future path by your input.

 

Thank you very much.

 

 

I'd love your input @LfcCharlie4@Michael569@The0Self@flowboy.

[Loving Radiance]

So far I had some time for introspection and contemplation and could connect things together for a good preliminary picture: Finishing my bachelors, creating my LP and perhaps learning to code on the side. I don't even have a feeling for how good coding would go for me, I would need to start it in order to know. I need to have the money handled to go out exploring in other areas.
Still, I feel that I avoid the suffering and chaos of financial insecurity, which would give me good lessons for life. I see that it's okay to be broke and struggling. The part of me that likes to impulsively spend too much money on less frequently used items would be very much limited because I learn to spend only on what is essential. Everything in life would get brought to the essential and less cluttered.

Anyway, my sense of direction becomes clearer with time and I trust myself.

[flowboy]

Hi @Loving Radiance

I re-read your post a couple times and let it sit for a few days.

Here's some stuff we have in common:

• I also studied biotech, but not as long as you
• I quit because I couldn't see myself working in a lab under fluorescent lights
• I sustained myself with programming, though I have much more of a passion for it than you
• I also did a bunch of stage green & neotantra retreats
• I also shifted my interest to psychology and the human mind
• I 'wasted' much more of my twenties than you, until I was 27 my life was mostly being in survival mode, unsuccessful attempts at personal development and starting businesses, being unconscious and held back by ADHD and childhood trauma, then at 27 I slowly started taking action towards something purposeful, still taking many detours trying to figure it out without burning out.
  Sometimes I regret the wasted time, but I can also see how it couldn't have gone any other way, given my history, conditioning and environment.
  And I had fun and made friends on the way.
• I also love personal development and community, and am working on combining those into a project I'm proud of
• I also have done (and still do) coaching

Here's what's on my mind after reading your posts:

1. There's perhaps a contradiction/conflict with your beliefs and your strengths

   On 07/01/2023 at 4:15 PM, Loving Radiance said:

   My intelligence lies more in the human mind, seeing where people are and relating to humans. Being led by intuition in creating internal understanding in other people.
   I liked to coach people and lead them to healthier perspective.

   So those are qualities that loosely relate to therapy, leadership and coaching. But then you say:

   On 07/01/2023 at 4:15 PM, Loving Radiance said:

   But there are already enough coaches out there. I judge that most of the actualized people who share their LP here fall in a trap of becoming coaches, like it being the most no-brainer way of doing life with the actualized knowledge. Most of my friends that I got to know through actualized are coaches.

   So you liked coaching, but not when everyone is doing it? What you want to do should not depend on what other people are doing. You can, will inevitably, find a way that is unique to you, if you do something long enough with passion and curiosity.
   I'm not saying you should start coaching again.
   Everyone and their dog is a coach now, I know.
   I'm just inviting you to check if you have the same bias that I have: a neurotic need to be unique and different.

   This has become a trap for me, as I tend to turn away from things as soon as I perceive other people doing similar things, and it doesn't satisfy my need to be unique and different anymore. Now, doing things in your own unique way is mostly a good thing because it leads to innovation, but for me there is also a dark side to it: I tend to be so distrustful or dismissive towards anything that comes with an established group of people, that I miss opportunities to learn from others. I relate this back to my childhood: I never belonged, I never fit in, not in the main crowd at least. Because of that, I now have an unconscious fear that if what I do isn't "alternative" and different enough, "they" will not accept and hurt me. This is something I have to keep in check. Maybe it doesn't apply to you, ignore this part in that case.
   
   Regardless, don't be a coach if you don't want to, unless it's really what makes you happy.
   Those strengths you named can be applied in many other ways too.

2. You have the life purpose course, but you didn't complete it. Why?

3. One thing I usually advise clients with similar questions, is to make small bets. Leo's course also emphasizes the importance of small bets, trying things out to see how they feel.
   If you want to get out of theorizing and find your path, you will have to make lots of small bets.
   A small bet only counts if you honestly believe it has the potential to become your "thing".
   A small bet is often scary and requires some courage.
   A small bet often requires acting in the face of the fear of looking stupid.
   Learning programming even though you already know you don't like it, doesn't count as a small bet.
   That's not to say to not do it, I'm making a different point.

4. Learning something else you're not particularly interested in, in order to provide for yourself, seems like a step sideways: you're already in the process of learning something you're not particularly interested in, but offers job opportunities. Why exchange one for the other?
   I don't know anyone who actually works 2 hours a day at a programming job and can sustain themselves that way.
   Maybe that is the domain of the freelancers who delegate everything, I do know someone like that, but that takes a longer time to build up, because you need to understand it well enough to do quality control, and also build up a network of clients.
   If you already feel uninterested in the topic, and neither IT nor business excites you, that will be an uphill battle.
   I'm not saying don't do it, I am saying that you are probably looking at it through rose colored glasses because you're craving a change.

5. There are no real wrong decisions in this context. If you have the tenacity to keep trying things out and developing yourself, you'll find your path one way or the other.

6. It's hard to maintain a grounded sense of direction and know who you truly are, if you haven't worked through childhood trauma enough. What 'enough' is, differs from person to person, but you'll know you're there when you feel grounded and clear about your direction.
   How's your relationship with your father?
   Lack of direction usually has to do with the father.
   Either he's too opinionated on what his child should do, therefore the child can either try to neurotically please the father and abandon its own wants, or defy the father and be on its own too soon, because it had to defy him, resulting in excessive self doubt and lack of direction. Or it's the other way around, which is how it was for me: he's not involved and supportive enough, he's fine with anything his child chooses to do, he's sure it will work out some way or another, but doesn't really have enough input to give, to provide strong support and let the child internalize that sense of strong support, which is a more covert form of emotional neglect, also resulting in a sense of lack of direction.

On 07/01/2023 at 4:15 PM, Loving Radiance said:

I like to connect my inner personal development work to being in community and I want to have the feeling of directly contributing to the community. Through that I want to serve and lift them up, empower them and for them to share that vision of empowerment and unshakable drive and love for the world, resulting in a tiny level-up for the whole globe.

Great!

But, abstract.

Now from that, there can be thousands of iterations of concrete ways to actualize this.

Why don't you brainstorm a list of concrete ways, and figure out some small bets?

Stick to things that can be executed immediately, where you are, with the time you have, with the resources you already have access to.

That's where I used to trip up, I liked to keep it abstract or at least include some element that wasn't available yet, be it time or connections or resources. It's a procrastination.

I'm sure you have the resources right in front of you to actualize this, if you're willing to see them.

Edited January 11, 2023 by flowboy

[Loving Radiance]

@flowboy Thank you! I see how we are very much alike... Your response touched me in a (positively) uncomfortable way and I let it sit till I feel more clear about this, otherwise it would come only from intellectual thought and not from embodied feeling.

Edit: On #1 I can say that I don't like to compete and prove myself, hunting for clients like a thirsty man is for water. I am also cautious of being a coach being a trap (by having this actualized knowledge that the most chosen path is coaching). As you say, even dogs are coaches

Edited January 11, 2023 by Loving Radiance

[flowboy]

@Loving Radiance Lovely.

If more clarity follows, I'll be curious to read it.

[Michael569]

@Loving Radiance hey, sorry for late reply. I did not see the tag. I think much has already been said by Eric above. 

 

While my situation is not identical to you, it is slightly similar. I also find myself in a career where I see no desire to grow, no future potential and no fulfilment...BUT.....it pays my bills, my education and my transition in time when I am not prepared to quit it and go solo to do my health stuff just yet. So I am not able to quit just yet as much as I'd love to but I've kinda become okay with it. 

Is your current situation of being a biotech student earning you any money? Are you making any income or is it a future planned income? Could you make any side income like a part time job? 

I can't tell you whether to quit or not. I'm a more cautious person in life and I try not to take radical decisions when I can avoid it. Maybe you are different, it depends really. 

But in your situation, depending on how many more semesters you got, maybe finishing the studies would be a good idea. Maybe you don't need to go for the best grades and go the extra step to be the top student but just so that you have a degree on your CV. With a degree, it is easier to find jobs even if it was not directly along the line of what you studied. Just pass with ok grades, do the bare minimum and use any spare time for strategising, journalling and planning your alternative route. 

Maybe you won't be able to transition in the next year or two or five. Career transition may take years and it is important you are prepared for that. I definitely wouldn't consider your path so far wasted, but you just didn't know any better back then. And for all you know that degree might open new doors for you. Sometimes it is enough to have A degree even if irrelevant to the job you do. 

For me an ideal transition revolves around staying in an environment where you are getting paid and slowly tunneling your way out by getting re-educated, starting some business or getting new skills. You work on mornings, evenings and weekends and slowly takes steps towards freedom. But it takes time.  If you can, cut down that commitment of your main income source to part-time or to remote work even better. It may require some work for a company that you despise and some emotional suppression but I don't know if there is another way to "buy freedom" unless your parents can help you or you can obtain resources to pay your bills otherwise. 

It's not easy. I'm neck buried in this struggle myself and I know many other guys around here are too. But if you don't pursue the correct journey you'll eventually despise yourself for it. 

Just don't give yourself hard time and simply do what you can with the time you have. 

Btw you mentioned something about therapy and coaching. There are millions of ways you can pursue this. People suffer from all sorts of problems - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and you can zoom in on any of those without needing university degree. Maybe journal on that. You could get some sort of yearly or two yearly therapy training, get licensed and try practicing. Not sure what the options are in your country but I think they are plenty  For me, for example I don't need about 40% of what I studied compared to what I use today. But I needed the license to practice, that was the biggest takeaway. 

Hope that works. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear

 

Edited January 12, 2023 by Michael569

[Loving Radiance]

@Michael569 Thank you. This helped tremendously.

[Loving Radiance]

@flowboy @Michael569 Thanks! Now that I've had more conversations with people, I'm now going to discontinue my studies.

 

On 11.1.2023 at 6:33 PM, flowboy said:

You have the life purpose course, but you didn't complete it. Why?

I was never 100% committed to it.

Thank you for #3 - #5. I took it to heart.

On 11.1.2023 at 6:33 PM, flowboy said:

How's your relationship with your father?

After your post I had a chat with my father and I felt more emotionally connected to him. Yes, in childhood and adolescence he didn't at all provide me with guidance and was fine with me choosing what I wanted to. After talking with him there was a relaxed internal sense becoming more clear of "I will figure life out along the way."

On 11.1.2023 at 6:33 PM, flowboy said:

Why don't you brainstorm a list of concrete ways, and figure out some small bets?

Now that I think about it, I can do this easily already when searching for something new.

On 11.1.2023 at 6:33 PM, flowboy said:

I'm sure you have the resources right in front of you to actualize this, if you're willing to see them.

Thank you for the encouragement

 

On 12.1.2023 at 1:30 PM, Michael569 said:

But in your situation, depending on how many more semesters you got, maybe finishing the studies would be a good idea. Maybe you don't need to go for the best grades and go the extra step to be the top student but just so that you have a degree on your CV. With a degree, it is easier to find jobs even if it was not directly along the line of what you studied. Just pass with ok grades, do the bare minimum and use any spare time for strategising, journalling and planning your alternative route. 

I am going with this. For the next months I make small beta and plan where to go to.

On 12.1.2023 at 1:30 PM, Michael569 said:

Just don't give yourself hard time and simply do what you can with the time you have.

I very much appreciate your kind words. Thank you

Edited February 19, 2023 by Loving Radiance
Changed my mind to quitting after having had a breakdown and then talking to my parents.