A rant against polyamory

[ivankiss]

Been there, done that, took a picture and it was hideous. Not my cup of tea.

So... You are so damn loving and free that you feel like you should go out there and fuck around with multiple partners simultaneously? Your love is so damn strong and unconditional that you cannot possibly imagine giving it to one person only? It would be a crime not to share it with others, right?

You're full of shit, and you know it.

I'm sorry, but you know nothing about real love. You are emotionally underdeveloped and numbed out. You are scared to death of commitment. Scared to death of losing your false sense of identity and independence. 

You know nothing about dedication, devotion, respect, loyalty, truth, sacrifice... You know nothing about relationships. You are simply incapable of being in one. But you do want the benefits of it. You do want someone to be there for you and take care of you. You do want someone to love you and admire you and support you and listen to you. You want someone who will be by your side in your darkest hour. You want someone who you can trust and be vulnerable with. You want all that good stuff that comes with real love. But you also want to fuck around and do whatever you want, whenever you feel like it. Fool.

Just admit that you are immature, underdeveloped and disordered, and are not ready to be in a relationship. Just be single. Stop searching for loopholes to justify your sick and toxic ways. It's not love. Far from it. It's scarcity, cowardness and delusion. It's a lie.

And yes, I am triggered and butthurt, if you must know. Hence this post. I played this game once before and now I ran into another broken soul who waited for me to open my heart up and now wants to persuade me to 'expand my views' and 'be more open and progressive'. It makes me wanna punch a hole in the wall. I'm fucking sick of this bullshit. I cannot stand it. 

But, to each their own, I guess. If you wanna play your fucked up little games, be free to do so, just do it far away from me. Don't try to drag me into your pool of shit. I'd rather starve than choke on what's killing me down.

Edited January 5, 2023 by ivankiss

[IAmReallyImportant]

Polyamory has nothing to with being progressive. It is about being degenerate.

Many people seem to think, that individualism can be expanded to infinity.

However, this is not possible as the individual can obviously only survive inside and with the collective. Society iy like a dynamical physical system - it has to be regulated.More than one partner isnt a good long term strategie as well. Ravens e.g. are better in longterm planning than humans and are monogamous.

There are many other examples and evidence shows, that polyamorie is bad for society and for individuals. Even when putting the physical health risk aside.

 

[IAmReallyImportant]

And it is kind of obvious that if you dig into different holes, you wont get deep.

These people ran into the illusion of the perfect partner, who doesn't exist and end up dying alone this way. Or they know it deep inside, so nobody is sufficient. Not recognizing that they are insufficient to themselves and then call themselves independent. Trying to construct a Frankenstein monster out of different partners. 

It is kind of a selfish and holier than you approach to life, which is of course contradictory. An excuse to give in impulses, not being disciplined etc.

Edited January 5, 2023 by IAmReallyImportant

[ivankiss]

@IAmReallyImportant Thanks.

It's obvious, yes, just not to everybody - obviously. I can understand why someone would choose this and go down this road. What I hate about it is that these people try to disguise it all as them being more open minded and liberated and more unconditionally loving. When precisely the opposite is the case. It's just bullshit.

[Eyowey]

Imagine a world where everyone loves each other so much that you can touch anyone you want. Even in a grocery store. And no one is surprised or shocked by it. How awesome would that be? You're having a bad day and the cashier gives Ivan a kiss. 

[ivankiss]

@Eyowey Of course! A global orgy would solve all our problems and accelerate our evolution beyond comprehension! That's what love is all about! Haha!

C'mon.

[IAmReallyImportant]

12 minutes ago, Eyowey said:

Imagine a world where everyone loves each other so much that you can touch anyone you want. Even in a grocery store. And no one is surprised or shocked by it. How awesome would that be? You're having a bad day and the cashier gives Ivan a kiss. 

Then diseases and viruses would spread faster than you can imagine. It would also be a boring world, where everything is homogenous, you don't have to convince a partner or date etc.

[IAmReallyImportant]

Moreover, it wouldn't be good for society in a couple of points more, who overweight.

Like the concept of family is important for a society to survive. As to build something up and to raise children the energy and focus has to be concentrated on that. If you have multiple partners, this would of course weaken this focus, leading to faults you cannot reverse and to damages in the child as well as in your personal life.

And to try this out is a sick social experiment, too. When someone isn't selfish as fuck, even the lowest probability of something going wrong should be a reason to not do it. As it could (and will/allready does) cause immense damage in other people, children and society as a whole.

[meta_male]

@ivankiss @IAmReallyImportant You made some really good points. I've questioned monogamous relationships quite a bit, but had to come to the conclusion that I hadn't been attracting the right partners into my life. Friendships then showed me how deep a relationship can go, even on the platonic level.

[zurew]

46 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

More than one partner isnt a good long term strategie as well

Why?

47 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

There are many other examples and evidence shows, that polyamorie is bad for society and for individuals.

Would  be curious about the evidence.

40 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

And it is kind of obvious that if you dig into different holes, you wont get deep.

These people ran into the illusion of the perfect partner, who doesn't exist and end up dying alone this way. Or they know it deep inside, so nobody is sufficient. Not recognizing that they are insufficient to themselves and then call themselves independent. Trying to construct a Frankenstein monster out of different partners. 

almost none of your points is exclusive to polyamory and could be applied to monogamous people as well.

41 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

It is kind of a selfish and holier than you approach to life, which is of course contradictory.

The concept of selfishness is a question of pov. It could be argued that if you are into monogamous relationships you are more selfish because you want to own your partner and want to lock your partner to your own values and desires.

5 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Moreover, it wouldn't be good for society in a couple of points more, who overweight.

Most people don't want to be in a polyamorous relationship so the 'scaling it to a global level' is not a problem. What if a random individual wants to be in a poly relationship?

[thepixelmonk]

TLDR:

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

I am triggered and butthurt

 

[ivankiss]

What can many give you that one cannot? Diversity? Excitement? Experience? Thrill? Why do you need a hundred dicks? Why is one not enough? Why do you get bored and lose interest so quickly?

Can you see how this is an issue that goes much deeper? Can you see how polyamory is a way to cope with those issues? Avoid or mask them? Distracting yourself from looking deeper into yourself and figuring your shit out? 

It's not about owning somebody. It's not about being possessive. It's not about locking them down. It's about something far more profound.

It's about choosing one over the many. Staying true to that choice. Respecting that choice and your partner's choice. It's about trust. It's about loyalty and commitment. All that stuff you will never learn by avoiding this deep rooted issues and fucking around.

[IAmReallyImportant]

35 minutes ago, zurew said:

Why?

Alone because of the mangement emotional, financial and temporal resources over a longer timespan. Moreover, everything I just mentioned. Like, e.g. the increased danger of STDs, broken relationships. Like the partner finally finds a better one and that was the reason to begin with the polyamorie.

35 minutes ago, zurew said:

Would  be curious about the evidence.

Should I list you different papers that suggests that? You wouldn't read them anyways and I don't want to take the effort to pick all this out again for you now, just because you then try to pick out one particular thing, which you then take out of context to further confirm your entrenched worldview.

35 minutes ago, zurew said:

almost none of your points is exclusive to polyamory and could be applied to monogamous people as well.

That is no true:

And it is kind of obvious that if you dig into different holes, you wont get deep.
- obviously this only applies for polyamorous relationships

These people ran into the illusion of the perfect partner, who doesn't exist and end up dying alone this way.
- If you have a monogamous relationship, it doesn't matter if you think that or not as long as you figure the relationship out and stay there or brake up if it doesn't work at all. Of course, before choosing a partner one must know oneself well enough.

Or they know it deep inside, so nobody is sufficient. Not recognizing that they are insufficient to themselves and then call themselves independent.
- Polyamorous people would call themself independent. There are of course jealous people, who are afraid of loosing their partner. This is understandable and a stupid solution would be to just become polyamorous to resolve this issue. And this argument was just to explain why these people act how they do. I didn't say it is exclusive to polyamorous partner nets.

Trying to construct a Frankenstein monster out of different partners.
- Of course this can only apply to polyamorous relationships

35 minutes ago, zurew said:

The concept of selfishness is a question of pov. It could be argued that if you are into monogamous relationships you are more selfish because you want to own your partner and want to lock your partner to your own values and desires.

Nope, polyamorous relationships are risky and unhealthy to society and to individuals. I already explained why.
The jealousy part can exist, but also in a polyamorous relationship. In fact, jealousy often happens there, as most of the time one partner wants to convince another for this kind of relationship. And even if not, it still happens.

35 minutes ago, zurew said:

Most people don't want to be in a polyamorous relationship so the 'scaling it to a global level' is not a problem. What if a random individual wants to be in a poly relationship?

It can scale, if people get educated and socialized this way.

Edited January 5, 2023 by IAmReallyImportant

[IAmReallyImportant]

It is true that there are many monogamous relationships in which cheating takes place secretly.

However, hese are not mature relationships and show the lack of emotional development of our species so far.

[ThermalTide]

Everyone's different; if consenting adults are participating in polyamory, I really don't see an issue. However, in my personal experience having experimented with a fair amount of relationship styles, I noticed that a lot of people involved in polyamory are self-centered and lack empathy. The personality types that are obsessed with themselves and believe themselves to be right about everything tend to be the types that want multiple partners, 'cause they're so great, of course. lol 

[IAmReallyImportant]

I would say that polyamorous relationships are by far more selfish, because individual needs outweigh other needs and you don't want to sacrifice any part of your life. And both parties would sacrifice themselves for each other, so to speak, and it would be more productive over time. Therefore, one cannot say that there is always a selfish party involved who wants to have the other partner for himself alone, because obviously two partners are involved.

Then, of course, there is the part about health and the negative effect on society, the golden rule, etc.

Besides envy, there are other negative feelings that can occur in a relationship, so this is not an argument.

[IAmReallyImportant]

2 minutes ago, ThermalTide said:

Everyone's different; if consenting adults are participating in polyamory, I really don't see an issue

The issue is, that you participate on something which can scale and then it becomes a problem. Violating the golden rule.

Moreover, you live something for other people and signal that it would be good, even though it is harmful. This is similar to taking drugs or smoking at school. Not everyone can get rid of it.

[LastThursday]

11 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

What can many give you that one cannot?

I wouldn't be polyamorous (despite the allure), I don't need the drama. I feel that to give polyamory justice requires a level of maturity that most people don't have. Mostly, because you're having to co-ordinate the emotions, needs and desires of several relationships, all at different stages, and to do potential conflict resolution (jealousy etc.). All of that stuff can be hard enough with one person let alone many. There's reasons people keep affairs secret.

But every relationship does give you something different. Maybe Mary gives you the philosophical discussions you crave, and Jane is the adventurous type. Sometimes you just slip into something more than just platonic friendship, and what to do then with Mary and Jane? Date Jane and have an affair with Mary?

 

[ThermalTide]

9 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

The issue is, that you participate on something which can scale and then it becomes a problem. Violating the golden rule.

Moreover, you live something for other people and signal that it would be good, even though it is harmful. This is similar to taking drugs or smoking at school. Not everyone can get rid of it.

which golden rule? I genuinely can't see an issue with how people conduct their relationship dynamics privately.

[IAmReallyImportant]

I believe that with polyamory one tries to achieve a feeling of being "detached", because one could not do it that way.

I.e. these people feel restricted by the mere possibility of not being able to do everything they want. Although this is an illusion, because you can't do that anyway.

I think that has more to do with immaturity. Like a child who wants all the sweets, then eats them up and realizes that he's going into sugar shock.

Nobody can do that, and even if they could, it would still be harmful.