Have to leave wife/partner to get enlightened?

[Mips]

A good while ago I posted a topic about my worries that my relationship with my wife would suffer if I pursue enlightenment work to the highest levels. @Leo Gura mentioned the following:

”Anything you're attached to will hold you back from ultimate truth. Because truth is infinite and all attachments are finite.”

I’m looking to delve into this a little deeper. This is of course mentioned elsewhere in spiritual circles & I expect that it’s unfortunately true. Is it therefore inevitable that those in relationships must split apart before one of the couple attains enlightenment? 

And how does that happen? Do people drift apart naturally? I remember reading that the enlightened master Nisargadatta Maharaj left his wife on awakening, but returned to her later & gave satsang from their family home.

I’ve engineered my life so I finally have a lot of free time so I can concentrate 100% on waking up. But I have a disabled daughter I care for and a loving wife that I can’t (and don’t want to) leave as I have a central caring role.

Being in this position, am I permanently barred from enlightenment, even though I now have 6 hours a day to do the work (while my daughter is at a day centre) and intend to make the most of psychedelics to maximise my chances?

 

 

[Sempiternity]

Everything, including everyone in your life, are all you. It's all the same. Everything is within consciousness. Nothing is outside of consciousness. Consciousness is one thing - Everything = God = You. This Now, is it, all of it, is you. To give up your family and loved ones or not, is irrelevant. It's still the same, all you, all God.

What's the point of all this, of life? It's to unify love. Can you reach higher states of love through "others"? That's for you to decide. My advice, love you family. They ARE the path to spiritual realization, as your love for them helps you maximize love. Use that love and connection as a tool on your path of realization. To do the opposite seems counterproductive.

Gratitude for those in your life is the path of love. Love is the path to realization of who and what you are. Which is Love. 

Edited January 5, 2023 by Sempiternity

[WelcometoReality]

@Mips No you don't have to leave your family to become enlightened. I didn't. If anything I would say that my relationship with my family has only gotten better by doing the practices. The most important thing is to do the practices and evaluate what you should do next. Work smart.

As everything else, once you set your goal and work towards it it's just a matter of time before you achieve it.

 

[vishnusavestheday]

Well what is enlightenment to you? Is it being that sort of teacher with that story of how one renounced their worldly life even though it wasn't too bad?

 

Think of being a man meditating in a field, after leaving your wife and kids to be homeless for years, and yet realizing "I alone am the Honored One." 

 

Is that what you desire? Is that what life is calling out of you?

[andysampl]

Use your loved ones to dissolve your ego by fully serving them.

Use the Situations with others for forgivness and learning how to unconditionallly love.

God didn't pur us here to live seperate in caves because thats the only way to wake up. We can wake up anywhere ind every circunstance and actually every circunstance is there to help US awaken. So use whatever life presents to you, it is there for you to grow... 

[Carl-Richard]

Letting go of control doesn't mean you'll necessarily leave your wife. You just have to be open to that possibility.

[axiom]

3 hours ago, Mips said:

Attachments veil ultimate truth. Because truth is infinite and all attachments are finite.

This is true (I tweaked it slightly).

Your body may be “attached” to your wife.

But you are not the body.

You are not “everything” either (as some here seem to believe). This is just another attachment.

Attachment is the self / Self.

To drop all attachment is to disappear.

Enlightenment is a disappearing act.

You have no choice about it.

Edited January 5, 2023 by axiom

[Breakingthewall]

@Mips if you want to dissolve the illusion you must forget things like: nisgardatta maharah did this... there is no nisgardatta, only you exist. only you will wake up. there are no beaten paths, you have to take full responsibility over your life. and the fact of raising this doubt denotes cracks in it.

[Hojo]

You just have to stop caring so much. Keep them around and have fun with them if you want but realize they are npc. Respect and love them but never left them hurt you.

[Moksha]

I just now saw a video from Adyashanti. He shared a true story of a Zen master who, in the last 40 years, took his students to a restaurant. In the middle of the meal, he received a phone call informing him that his wife had suddenly died. The Zen master collapsed into tears and wailed at the loss of his loved one. Seeing this, one of the students shook his head in dismay and asked how this was possible. The senior student looked over and said, "How sad that you have known our master all these years, and still have no idea of enlightenment."

Awakening is not the end of pain. It is the end of resisting pain, and the realization that denying the energy of the present moment only feeds a more ferocious level of suffering. Be careful what you ask for. If you want to avoid all pain, you must also avoid the joys of cosmic existence. You can't have one without the other. Let the energy of the moment flow through you, without losing awareness, regardless of whether it is pleasurable or painful. Live the dream lucidly.

On your question, there is little value in abandoning family to meditate forever in a cave. If you want to know if you are truly awake, put yourself into situations that demand the focus of your awareness. People are the perfect litmus test. When you are able to remain fully aware in the present moment, allowing whatever arises to be without identifying with it, only then will you be free from the attachments of the world. Realize yourself as the ocean, while enjoying the apparent dance of the waves.

There is, one knows not what sweet mystery about this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath…for here, millions of mixed shades and shadows, drowned dreams, somnambulisms, reveries; all that we call lives and souls, lie dreaming, dreaming, still.

- Herman Melville

[Carl-Richard]

17 minutes ago, Moksha said:

Awakening is not the end of pain. It is the end of resisting pain, and the realization that denying the energy of the present moment only feeds a more ferocious level of suffering. Be careful what you ask for. If you want to avoid all pain, you must also avoid the joys of cosmic existence. You can't have one without the other. Let the energy of the moment flow through you, without losing awareness, regardless of whether it is pleasurable or painful. Live the dream lucidly.

?

Edited January 5, 2023 by Carl-Richard

[Mips]

Thanks all, some fabulous replies. What a great forum this is..

[Thought Art]

Yeah, not worth leaving fam 

[roopepa]

21 hours ago, Mips said:

I’m looking to delve into this a little deeper. This is of course mentioned elsewhere in spiritual circles & I expect that it’s unfortunately true. Is it therefore inevitable that those in relationships must split apart before one of the couple attains enlightenment? 

No.

There is nothing you have to do per se. There isn't attachment to any things. All attachment is thought-attachment.

21 hours ago, Mips said:

I’ve engineered my life so I finally have a lot of free time so I can concentrate 100% on waking up. But I have a disabled daughter I care for and a loving wife that I can’t (and don’t want to) leave as I have a central caring role.

Being in this position, am I permanently barred from enlightenment, even though I now have 6 hours a day to do the work (while my daughter is at a day centre) and intend to make the most of psychedelics to maximise my chances?

Waking up does not happen in, nor has nothing to do with 'the world'. "I now have 6 hours a day to do the work" is a thought held now. Notice the narrative spinning about a self doing 'the work' and waking up in the future. That's the thought-attachment standing to be let go here.

Do what feels good to you. It's more likely that the work just makes your relationship and family life even better. Don't know if you're familiar with Nahm / Phil but that guy would probably have great advice for you.

Also, I'd recommend leaving psychedelics for later / for when you have a day or two completely for yourself. Tripping while a daughter is waiting at daycare does not sound like a good idea to me.

[Leo Gura]

You don't need to leave them. Just make time to do your spiritual work.

Breaking your attachments to family will be more of a psychological thing than a physically leaving them thing.

Edited January 6, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Razard86]

8 hours ago, Moksha said:

I just now saw a video from Adyashanti. He shared a true story of a Zen master who, in the last 40 years, took his students to a restaurant. In the middle of the meal, he received a phone call informing him that his wife had suddenly died. The Zen master collapsed into tears and wailed at the loss of his loved one. Seeing this, one of the students shook his head in dismay and asked how this was possible. The senior student looked over and said, "How sad that you have known our master all these years, and still have no idea of enlightenment."

Awakening is not the end of pain. It is the end of resisting pain, and the realization that denying the energy of the present moment only feeds a more ferocious level of suffering. Be careful what you ask for. If you want to avoid all pain, you must also avoid the joys of cosmic existence. You can't have one without the other. Let the energy of the moment flow through you, without losing awareness, regardless of whether it is pleasurable or painful. Live the dream lucidly.

On your question, there is little value in abandoning family to meditate forever in a cave. If you want to know if you are truly awake, put yourself into situations that demand the focus of your awareness. People are the perfect litmus test. When you are able to remain fully aware in the present moment, allowing whatever arises to be without identifying with it, only then will you be free from the attachments of the world. Realize yourself as the ocean, while enjoying the apparent dance of the waves.

There is, one knows not what sweet mystery about this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath…for here, millions of mixed shades and shadows, drowned dreams, somnambulisms, reveries; all that we call lives and souls, lie dreaming, dreaming, still.

- Herman Melville

Love your responses I can tell you do the work of integrating. Keep sharing that wisdom.

[Moksha]

@Razard86 ?